He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

I feel guilty and I realised everything I thought about my friend's cunt of an ex I could apply to my DP

And to you as well. I'm flabbergasted that you can dismiss your friends exDH as a cunt without realising that your behaviour (not just with this man but with several other married men) makes you just the same!

I've just take a read of that. Goes to make a certain report to Mumsnet

What BIWI said with bells on-you are also a cunt my love, an even bigger one than I initially thought as it would appear your type is married...
Oh & as far as I know, I've never been cheated on either.

OP you are, unsurprisingly, being given a hard time here. For the record, I've never been the OW and I'm about as sure as I can be that I've never been cheated on. I wouldn't be the OW 1. because of a sense of sisterhood and 2. because I wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who was capable of cheating with his wife. I'm not writing this with any particular axe to grind. So I just think you should consider a couple of things you've written:

Why is it so hard for posters to believe he does love me. I get it some of you don't think he's capable of real true deep love and I kinda get that view. But I am really so awful he'd only be with me so he gets lots of sex and his housework and shopping done?

it wasn't my 1st affair, I've had several before my current DP. 1 for over 10 years with no consequences which is why I had my previous opinion. I am not proud of it and I am ashamed of it. I know I'm no angel and it does serve me right if I'm now racked with guilt because of my friend and the fallout of my DP's marriage.

Believing he's probably not in love with you, or his love isn't worth much, isn't about you. It's about him. He stood up in front of friends and family and made vows of fidelity to his wife. He broke those vows repeatedly over more than a decade. That does not smack of someone who falls in love easily. I've never met you and even from what you've said here have no idea if you're loveable and besides, people fall in love with all sorts of people for all sorts of reason. It's a very subjective process.

And now you admit that this is not your first affair. Why do you go for men who are unavailable? I know there aren't many decent men out there but if you want no-strings sex with someone, trust me, there are enough single men for that. And if you want something long term an affair, as you are now realising, is not a good starting point. Why do you do this? Ultimately maybe you think you're awful and unloveable. And despite what you've done, I don't think that's necessarily true. I do think you should do a lot of work on yourself to work out why you accept 2nd best so often.

Ok OP. You clearly had a few affairs when you were younger. Presumably with you as OW (and not as the cheat) and in your head it was ok as long as no one found out, they wouldn't cheat if they were happy blah blah. You turned a blind eye to the pain.

Not brilliant but you cannot change it and you have said you wouldn't do it again. That is all you can do about the past at this point.

However 1) your dp does not seem v sorry
. Sorry he got caught maybe. And happy enough not to do it again, for now.

2. i take it he was the first of your affairs who got caught? So possibly the reason why you feel you love him so much is actually the guilt. The 2 of you wrecked a marriage (although despite what pps say he is more of a cunt - he lied and lied to dw and dc and he was the one who had agreed not to cheat by getting married). So it is hard to turn around and say oh yeah but it was a bit of a laugh. Meant nothing. Just some fun. Um sorry about that. So it is easier in the short term to believe neither of you could help.yourselves.

Be absolutely sure you really do love him and its not guilt and infatuation and the flattery of thinking he chose you.

I am not saying this as cheated on partner (though I have been). Once i was the bit on the side in someone elses rs. (I have never been unfaithful but I facilitated his infidelity which is still shit). He wasn't married or cohabiting but still shit. He felt no shame but I felt v guilty. Tried to finish it several time but through my own stupidity I got hoovered back in. Then he split with her (she still does not know) just when I had decided that enough was enough and called it a day. I then felt trapped because surely if it was ok to shag him when he was attached then now he was free...etc. etc.

Not a good idea. I could never settle. I was eaten with guilt. And I put up with a whole host of shit behaviours from him because i felt I deserved not better after what I had done.

Never once though did I accept his bs that it was any of his partners fault he cheats. He cheats because he wants to because he likes having his ego stroked and because he can. I thought I loved him despite the fact he was a bastard.

Afaik he did not cheat on me in the 6 years we were togethet but logic suggests he did. He has cheated on several.dps since including with the gf before me (so one tiny comfort- she is no better than I am but that just makes us both wrong). Part of the reason he does it is because he likes to have a backup plan for when current dp dumps him. He was most pissed off when i binned him not because he missed me but because he had nothing lined up.

And that op is where you come in I am afraid. You are miss will do for now sering as the dw has dumped me and he is mister well I must love him or I wouldn't have shagged him knowing he was in an rs.

You didn't win him. You got him because no one else wanted him.

Look deep do you really love him or is it avoiding facing you did something for no real reason? (Like me)

You need to reconcile yourself with the things you have done and then look at if this is what you really really want or what you feel you deserve. And you also need to consider is he truly truly sorry. Has he admitted there was no excuse for what he did. Until he does that you will always feel he might be a bastard because he is a d an unrepentant one at that.

OP, I

How interesting that op hasn't been back since Snufflet's message...

AndDeepBreath I'm really hoping no one is this deluded and easily played...but somehow I do suspect some are. Hopefully this will convince others even if the OP remains stubbornly ignoring the obvious.

You said upthread it's no longer an extramarital fling... But he is still married. In the eyes of the law it is still an affair right now and you are entitled to nothing of his. I'd back off until he is divorced at the very least (I mean, assuming you don't see sense and run for the hills)

He didn't want to leave his marriage because of his kids and the stress and upheaval. They had grown apart, rarely went out together and didn't have a spark anymore. I am not saying it was down to his wife. That is pretty much every married man's justification as to why he had an affair.

We were friends as well as lovers and of the flings he had ours was the most involved. Did he tell you that too, op? You are so naive. It's called a line. Men spin them when they want to get into your pants.

Op, how do you feel about the fact that had his wife not kicked him out, he would have dropped you as quick as anything?

What did your friend's partner say to her as justification for his affair?

I hope you do stay together and neither of you gets bored. At least it will stop you polluting someone else's life with your selfish, cuntish behaviour. You are lucky that the DW is 'lovely', someone else might have beaten you senseless.

I stepped away from the thread as it was becoming hard reading. I know I have done wrong but it's a bit hard to stomach being called a cunt.

I found the IWasHappy thread that has been mentioned and read the OP. I can see why posters jumped to conclusions as there are a lot of similarities. However there are some differences and I'm not the OW in that situation.

My DP really missed me despite me only being away for a few days. We spent a wonderful weekend together last week and I don't have any doubt he does love me despite you all telling me differently.

Our house was clean and tidy when I came back. He'd hoovered, cleaned, everything was put away in the kitchen. He had done some washing.

He's not a fucking bone idle arse. He does do some jobs around the house. He always does the bins and he never needs reminding. He works longer hours than me so it's only fair I do more around the house.

I don't have to clear up after him, he's very clean and tidy.

Great, then you have the relationship you want.

You should be happy and confident in that.

And tell your friend that she needs to looks at it from the other side. Love Conquers All, and her cheating DH was right to do what he did for the greater good.

Good luck to you.

... This is joyous news!

Look my relationship is great take the fucking piss if you want I didn't post about my relationship. I posted cos I am finding the guilt hard. I am struggling with what we have both done.

Not all OW are the heartless bitches you all portray us as but I am sure some are. I care about the hurt we have caused. I have had sleepless nights as a result of the guilt.

It's very hard to take this or you seriously.

Have you thought about changing usernames and posting a new thread asking people of ways to deal with guilt? If that's the issue you want internet strangers to commiserate on?

You then don't have to specify all the stuff up thread. You might find the attention help you've been looking for.

My DP really missed me despite me only being away for a few days. We spent a wonderful weekend together last week and I don't have any doubt he does love me despite you all telling me differently.

That's great OP, I hope you are right and not being played like his shocked and surprised wife was. If you are secure in your relationship then you don't need to keep justifying it. Though the things you are justifying with are things I suspect the ex wife would have also said at the time. I suspect if you ask your friend she would say they had a great relationship just as you say you have now, if you asked her cheating ex then I think alarm ells would ring because it would sound very familiar...

How is your friend now?

Nope, you posted because you said you felt differently about your OH having now seen the hurt caused to your friend.

And then it came out about your multiple affairs and guilt.

If you were away for a few days, are you sure it was him doing all that cleaning up? Hmm! Good luck with that!

Have you questioned how your friend might feel about you now?
Knowing you and your dp are the same low moral type as her h? Can you give her any insight as to why you all feel its acceptable to behave like this.

My friend is still in a bad way. I saw her yesterday which prompted me to post again. I feel very guilty each time I see her.

She knew about my affair from the start, we have been friends a long time and are close. She thought my DP was bad news from the off and she hasn't seen him since she found out about her own DH cheating.

She has asked me how I could have hurt another woman like I have and it has been difficult on occasions. I can't give her a satisfactory answer cos there isn't one.

My friend thought her marriage was good. Her ex said his affair didn't mean nowt and it was just sex. He's not with the OW any longer.

Gabilan I know my DP made vows to his wife which he repeatedly broke. He's justified what he did by saying he only cheated when their marriage hadn't been good for a bit.

She changed when they had kids and he couldn't leave because he didn't intend to break his kids home up. He wasn't happy with her and yeah he thought he was entitled to have his cake and eat it.

I am not condoning what he did to her, far from it, but can see why a bloke could have gone elsewhere.

I haven't intentionally gone for attached blokes. I have been out with single blokes as well. I have never intended to have an affair. It's always been just harmless banter and flirting and then they've made a move and I have been too selfish to keep saying no when I have been attracted to them.

My 1st proper boyfriend was married. He's the 1 I had the long affair with. I had shit self esteem then, I didn't think any man would ever want me and frankly I would have fucked the 1st bloke who asked I felt that shit about myself.

Perhaps having a MM as my 1st relationship warped my view of normal relationships. I thought all men cheated and saw how easily the lies came.

I ended the affair to go out with a friend of mine and guess what, he took up with another woman.

Her ex said his affair didn't mean nowt and it was just sex.

Which makes one wonder if it was worth losing his marriage over it. Your DP too.