He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

TBH you're not much of a catch are you? Self esteem issues dealt with by shagging married men. Was there a reason you couldn't attract someone single? The reason is you use sex like like a transaction to buy yourself attention.

Real women don't repeatedly do what you have done. The guilts all yours. Both of you are a mess and deserve each other. I'm sure his wife doesn't want your vile sympathy anyway.

Have a baby with him and you'll change your opinion of him. Be warned.

I appreciate your post Sanity I had not thought of looking on Amazon and I will do so.

I did doubt my DP could stay faithful initially but he has convinced me he can. I have taken on board your comments. I appreciate our relationship did not start in the best of circumstances but it doesn't mean we can't be happy together cos we are.

Yep. He's definitely working late every time he says he is, for sure. But as long as you're happy, y'all.

Bath look I know our affair was just sex, he had no intention of leaving his wife - nor did I intend to break up his family. I know I was 2nd choice to start with.

My DP didn't make me any promises when his wife slung him out. We agreed we would just see how our relationship developed or not. If it was too soon for him to get into a serious relationship I would have understood and I told him so.

So he could have kept the relationship fairly casual for quite a while if he had wanted to and still got sex. He is not using me for sex and housework.

As a result of his change of circumstances we spent a lot more time together and developed a normal relationship which didn't involve sneaking around and illicit sex. He developed deeper feelings for me and he has made all the running in pushing our relationship to a different level.

Yeah he is happy the way it has worked out, hurt aside. I know how he was when his wife slung him out, how he felt then and I believe he is sincere.

I would rather he did still have some degree of feeling for his wife as they were married a long time and she is the mother of his kids. I think it is preferable and shows him in a better light than if he showed callous disregard for her.

I do take on board your point about it being easier for his wife and kids if we split up. But it still won't put their family back together again.

Different as I frequently stated I haven't come on here to upset anyone and if I have I apologise.

I keep mentioning my relationship cos it seems to be what posters are focusing on and I have had to defend it.

I did post for the reasons I have stated and not for the reasons you state.

It may surprise you to know I agree with your assumptions about what my DP likely said to his wife. I know he did tell her at least some of those claims and I have guessed as much to the rest.

You are possibly right in your thinking I would like someone to tell me I'm not as bad as the woman my friend's ex had an affair with and my DP isn't as much of a bastard as my friend's ex.

I also know there is fuck all chance of that happening and it would be lies anyway. We're probably both worse than the other pair because it has been repeated.

You are way off the mark about me not feeling guilty. I know I have behaved shockingly but it has never been with malice or intent to hurt. I do feel very guilty. I feel shame and I have told family, some friends and work colleagues we started going out when he was separated because I am too ashamed to admit the truth.

Short of leaving my DP which I will not do perhaps you can tell me how I can make things easier for his family because I don't know how to.

I don't want to be the sort of woman who has caused my friend so much pain but I am and I cannot fucking change it.

Perhaps my punishment is in seeing my friend in so much pain and knowing I have inflicted the same pain on another woman every time I see her.

I know my DP's track record is pretty fucking awful but he's very happy with me and has zero reason to stray.

You're clearly doing research for a novel - no one could be this stupid

Too late to make any amends.

There is nothing you can do to make things easier for his family now if you intend to remain in their lives.

You can change it.

She will suffer more pain every time she sees you, hears about you, thinks about you than you will every time you see her.

You know what is the right thing to do now but you won't do it.

You should leave him. Not just for his family but for yourself. You have allied yourself to a bad man who only "loves" you now because it is convenient for him to do so.

Find a man for whom you are the first choice.

Pretty boring novel, Lynda

Do you live near his wife, you say she's nice?

Look I am not stupid. If he wasn't happy with me and he had the chance to cheat on me I expect he would cheat cos he has got form.

The difference is he is happy with me and he has no reason to stray. He cheated on his wife cos he wasn't happy with the lack of sex, intimacy and excitement. He didn't feel emotionally close to her in many ways, they stopped doing couple stuff. She went on at him and they grew apart.

DP and I are emotionally close, we really talk to and support each other. He can talk to me about anything knowing I won't criticise him. I don't nag him. We are very intimate, tactile and loving with each other. Our sex life is brilliant. Daily, passionate, varied and spontaneous.

He enjoys my company and likes spending time with me. He spends a lot more time with me than he did with his wife in recent years cos he wants to.

The difference is he is happy with me and he has no reason to stray. He cheated on his wife cos he wasn't happy with the lack of sex, intimacy and excitement

I'm glad you're seeing this for what it is.

Aren't all new relationships full of fun, excitement and sex in the honeymoon period?

Speak to your friends who have kids or who have been through tough times in their lives like bereavement or health scares or a stressful time at work.

You'd better hope and prey you never succumb to any of the things we mortals have to go through periodically because by your own admission, you're already his second choice behind his wife and you know he cheated on her despite her being his first choice.

You'll never hold him if you can't always be exciting and put out. In fact, given your his second choice and circumstances meant he's now with you there's no saying that even if you are putting out you can hold him.

Eww. You just sound so ... Desperate

All these married men and now you've got your own one to play with!

Congratulations. Never let him go.

OP there you are again as if you had actual knowledge about what went on in their marriage other than what a recognised liar has told you.
You keep convincing yourself you can trust him.

But by your own admission op, you only have his word that his marriage was unhappy & lacking in intimacy.

He could be telling a OW that right now, about your marriage.

Well, when he gets a bit bored with you, when it gets a bit samey, and another woman presents him with a new opportunity for excitement, OP, you'll know how his wife felt. He's simply not monogamous - he's cheated numerous times and you're lining up for the same treatment. Smart move. Not.

I dislike the word 'nag'. Have you thought about why his wife might have had to repeat herself (which is what 'nagging' boils down to)? Might be because he didn't listen to her or help her or have enough respect for things that were important to her to act on her requests.

Or she might be a total cow. But I don't know her (and neither do you, a fact you might keep in mind when judging her shortcomings based on your boyfriend's opinion). I do know what your boyfriend is like, and so do you, so I'd be less inclined to trust his words as 100% truthful.

Anyway, all that aside, he's got you right where he wants you and has clearly told you what will happen to you if, god forbid, you criticise or nag him!

DP and I are emotionally close, we really talk to and support each other. He can talk to me about anything knowing I won't criticise him. I don't nag him. We are very intimate, tactile and loving with each other. Our sex life is brilliant. Daily, passionate, varied and spontaneous

Oh my god you sound like one of those "surrendured wives". Don't ever criticise the man, just be supportive and be gymnastic in the bedroom.

Eeeeeeeewwwwwww.

Darling. I will never nag you. I will never criticize you. I will always be varied and spontaneous in the bedroom. I will never give you a reason to cheat on me.
I just can't understand why your first wife and why my best friend didn't do this. Then they too could have hung onto their men.

I have sat on my hands to stop replying before now but this is seriously making me giggle now - you can't be real! This can't be real. Can it? Voices from the crowd, do you know any people as deluded as this in real life?

Would anyone start a thread on a mums support network like this one, detailing an affair, and keep repeating how fab their sex life was over and over? With repeated posters saying this thread can't help them?!

It's certainly no ordinary thread, that's for sure.

Philosophical question: if you judge one man for cheating on his wife but repeatedly fuck other married men, do you have (a) morals or (b) a case of galloping hypocrisy and entitlement?

I don't understand why you keep posting on here more than two weeks after you started the thread. You were the first poster on this thread this morning.

I am trying to understand your motives.

I agree with anddeepbreath. Why do you keep telling us about your sex life and how 'intimate' you are as if you are different from anyone else or as if he could never have shared that with his wife?

Why haven't you let the thread die a natural death? The overwhelming majority of posters disapprove of you and your actions. You are goading people now with these details.