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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

875 replies

ComeDownToMe · 12/09/2015 12:55

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 18/09/2015 09:59

He probably does genuinely love you. And he is getting a great deal all round: nice rewards for shitty behaviour.

If you value your financial security don't marry him without full information on his financial situation, pension etc, as you are the higher earner and the future might not be as rosy as the present.

Also, shagging someone frequently whilst being emotionally unavailable because of some supposed conscience about the family is hardly "holding back" or laudable.

Duckdeamon · 18/09/2015 10:01

Your relationship is strong because you helped him through the fallout of the breakup and revelations with his DC?! Barf.

Well how very nice of you. Am sure the DC appreciate it.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 18/09/2015 10:01

Cersei I posted because I feel guilty and I realised everything I thought about my friend's cunt of an ex I could apply to my DP which conflicts with how I feel about him.

I discovered the site as I did an internet search trying to help my DP with issues with his youngest. I didn't realise the depth of feeling as I avoid obvious cheating threads, if I've upset anyone I'm sorry.

OP posts:
ToGoBoldly · 18/09/2015 10:02

You're getting an awfully hard time here OP, and I think in this place you're surrounded by women who have been destroyed or watched others destroyed by this sort of thing. Betty89 that may be so, but the OP is also conveniently ignoring completely logical and non-judgemental posts like yours that tell her she is being deluded. All she's doing is saying "but it's not like that, we're in love!". Which is short sighted and foolish.

I'm telling it how I see it having been an OW myself in the past and deeply regretting it. Heck, even if this isn't real and some other loser OW sees it it might stop her putting her own chances of happiness on the sacrficial altar for some loser of a man.

AndDeepBreath · 18/09/2015 10:09

Oh no. Is the woman who's had dozens of affairs and now feels a bit sad getting a hard time? Ok guys. Back off now. She's said she's sorry and that the sex is great, what more could anyone want.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 18/09/2015 10:11

Look I know we have both done wrong. I have not denied it, we have both behaved appallingly.

Regardless of whether our relationship works out I won't ever go near an attached man again. I do realise, belatedly I know, affairs are not harmless even if undiscovered.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 18/09/2015 10:11

"I didn't realise the depth of feeling as I avoid obvious cheating threads, if I've upset anyone I'm sorry"

Ah. And now you're deciding that all the people on here are only posting because they have been the victims of cheating men, so obviously are going to feel irrationally strongly about the subject and you can ignore them. Right.

Duckdeamon · 18/09/2015 10:14

You are the wrong person to try to help your DP with his problems with his DC, since you were a part in those problems. His responsibility, and his ex's as co-parent. Surely if he needs information or advice he can seek this himself, or is he too busy enjoying his lovely life with you?

Alittlecurious · 18/09/2015 10:16

I don't understand why you started a thread about your 'bastard' of a partner when you say you have had numerous affairs including one of 10 years. What's the difference between him and you? Doesn't that make you as bad as each other?

Wewereneverbeingboring · 18/09/2015 10:17

What reasons did your friend's DH give for having an affair, are they in any way similar to the reasons your DP has given you regarding his own split from his DW? Even if the reasons aren't similar, both men would have justified their actions in their own mind.

I'm guessing you don't agree with your friend's DH reasons for having an affair or you wouldn't be so angry with him. So what is it that makes your own DP's reasons/justifications valid but your friend's DH reasons invalid?

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 18/09/2015 10:18

I don't think anyone is irrational about it, not at all. I didn't say that. I said I hadn't realised there were so many women on here who have been cheated on and if my posting has caused upset it wasn't intentional.

I am taking on board what is being said even if some of the remarks have hurt me.

OP posts:
AndDeepBreath · 18/09/2015 10:21

Yeah ... But you probably would do it again if you were "in love" wouldn't you? You'd have to. Because of "love". That all consuming power which none of us can fight because, you know, sex and all. You'd justify it somehow like you did the times before and end up hating yourself again.????Seriously .... what were your parents like? Were there difficult patterns in your family growing up? Could you try counselling? Counsellors won't judge, they're trained not to and can help you resolve things. ????Btw I've never been cheated on, I don't know anyone who has. I still know it's wrong and did before reading about it.

MakeThemEatCake · 18/09/2015 10:23

OP you're experiencing Cognitive Dissonance - look it up, it'll explain a lot.

This thread won't help you while you're still with him, research about your emotions won't help you while you're with him. Helping your friend certainly won't help you while you're with him. There's a pattern here... You've had an epiphany, unexpectedly and subconsciously, and the only way you're going to feel at peace is to end things with this man, or at least take a break from him and be on your own for a while.

Fratelli · 18/09/2015 10:37

He wasn't putting his kids first when he was banging other people was he. And this wasn't your first affair? You sound just awful.
He sounds like the type of man to look elsewhere when things get real ie kids etc. A lot of men say their wives "go on at them" when they are actually just asking for help. Once things aren't new and exciting with you anymore he'll say all this to the next one.
You were convenient for him. If he loved you he would have left her. He wasn't staying for the kids. If he put them first he would have worked on his issues and spent time with them rather than spending all his time persuing any woman who would have him.

thehypocritesoaf · 18/09/2015 10:43

Op I've not been cheated on (or as you might say I've never knowingly been cheated on)

I just like women. (Not like that) and I don't put the needs of my fanny over other women's lives.

BertrandRussell · 18/09/2015 10:54

"I don't think anyone is irrational about it, not at all. I didn't say that. I said I hadn't realised there were so many women on here who have been cheated on and if my posting has caused upset it wasn't intentional."

Just so you know- opinions on this thread are pretty unanimous regardless wither the poster has been cheated on or not. So don't use that as a way of dismissing people's views.

GammonAndEgg · 18/09/2015 11:19

Op, have you just moved into the house opposite his wife's house?

ScrambledSmegs · 18/09/2015 11:26

I've never been cheated on. I'm just able to discern between right and wrong all by myself.

Miraculous, isn't it?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 18/09/2015 11:35

I've not been cheated on, OP, but there is a lot of it about.

Like you, I have seen a good friend cheated on, her husband actually left her for the ow, and I've seen the devastation to her and the children's lives: emotional and financial.

I don't like women that have affairs with married men - it's against the sisterhood. You should feel guilty imo.

BertrandRussell · 18/09/2015 11:53

Nope- I've never cheated or been cheated on. I am just in position of a fully functioning moral compass.

alphabook · 18/09/2015 12:09

I haven't been cheated on. But I can't fathom being so selfish and deceitful as to lie to my life partner, mother of my children and person I'm supposed to love for over 10 years. And I can't fathom being so lacking in self esteem as to settle for sloppy seconds over and over again by having multiple affairs with married men, and so selfish as to only realise the hurt affairs cause by seeing it first hand.

YouBastardSockBalls · 18/09/2015 12:13

I'm not 1 of those women who has to have a boyfriend no matter how much of a wanker he is.

You sure about that?

TheSnufflet · 18/09/2015 13:00

ComeDownToMe I don't exactly know if you are for real or not, and I know you mentioned you don't look at cheating threads because of the oh-so-terrible guilt but if you do anything, please use the internal Google search for iwashappy's affair recovery threads. Even if you're not the OW in question your story sounds IDENTICAL.

Read it all (there are several threads that are quite long) and then have a long, long think if you really want to be this guy's consolation prize.

Lweji · 18/09/2015 13:09

I'm shaking my head more and more in disbelief.

I think you are being very and unfairly judgemental in relation to your friend's ex. He's a can't, but your DP behaved like a bastard and you have made an innocent mistake because you were convinced that affairs hurt nobody.

I think you should be telling your friend:
He only cheated because he wasn't happy married to you
He only lied and cheated to protect you from the upheaval of a divorce. You should thank him.
He didn't know affairs could hurt people, so just forgive him if he says he won't do it again.

See how that goes.

Lweji · 18/09/2015 13:11

Sorry, he's a cunt. (My autocorrect is still not entirely up to speed with MN)