He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

My friend's DH has recently pulled the shit your DP has done and it nearly destroyed her.

She found out because he hadn't logged out of his email account, so when she opened the page for the email, the emails he'd been sending his new shag was just there, she didn't nose at anything, and I doubt your DP's wife did either.

I really hope that your finances are completely separate so you will be able to make a clean break when he leaves you for the better prospect that'll come along soon enough.

He's not just 'had an affair' he is completely sexually incontinent. No matter how much you earn, how desperately you pay attention to him or how amazing you are in the sack, he will find someone else. I hope you're prepared for it.

You will get lots of support on here when he does though.

I was feeling heartsore for the OP- thinking "What would I be feeing if she was my daughter in this situation and saying these things and not hearing the warning bells as she careered towards the inevitable disaster" - then that "had a nose at his phone" just brought me up short.

I've not read the whole thread yet but a gew things stand out for me.

I think it's actually quite normal yo not think about the pain of cheating until it happens to you or to someone you care about. As Bert said upthread, it makes you realise that the cheater has hurt a perfectly decent person and you start to see them differently.

You said upthread that to you it wasn't too nad if the wife didn't know and therefore didn't get hurt. I have to tell you that whether the wife knows or not, she is still being hurt (the same for cheated on husbands obviously). Her husband will have changed how he behaves towards her and he is actively deceiving her. Other people will know more about what is going on in her relationship than she does.It makes a mockery of her marriage, which is enormously damaging, regardless of whether she is in possession of all the gory details!

Finally, I think that people can change, but this is only if they are truly sorry for the pain they caused and determined to never hurt somebody like this again. Your dp's life is turning out quite well. H doesn't sound at all regretful

nose at his phone

The wife correctly suspected that her husband was having an affair. Again. She knew from past experience that he would lie through his teeth if she confronted him directly. She had a nose on his phone and discovered that she was right, he was having yet another bloody affair. The kids were older, it would be easier to split up now, especially if he became awkward over money. Or maybe she'd just finally had enough. In any case, she slung his cheating arse out. He moved out. He tried to say all the right words to make her forgive him. Maybe he said he had dumped OW. But this time she was having none of it, he stayed slung out. He wanted sex, housework, adoration and a bigger living room none of which were available in his little flat (or was it a hotel?). So he moved in with you.

Do you seriously think you will never have a little nose at his phone? Really?

Well it all sounds peachy then OP and you sound increasingly well suited to each other. You've had an absolute myriad of responses exploring why you feel the way you feel, and endless warnings about the potential future pitfalls of your relationship. So what do you think - have you got what you needed from this thread yet?

ComeDownToMe Has she confirmed what he's said, that she stopped having sex and poor him he was trying but she didn't bother? Cheaters who won't accept responsibility are very good at saying bullshit.

I'm not sure why you posted OP, you sound very in denial and getting there more despite what people post.

I really hope you don't but very much suspect that you will be posting soon enough about suspecting your OH cheating and not knowing why...

My cousin was an OW, she brought the BS too. Exactly the same as yours and so very cliché. She found out the hard way. In fact isn't there a 'formula' somewhere on what Cheaters say to gaslight and justify?

I don't know what you should do, but I think cheating when something has gone stale is very worrying. All relationships go through ups and downs. It's impossible to maintain that kind of electric excitement you have at the inception of an relationship. There will always be younger or more exciting single women looking for no strings liaisons and plemty of opportunities for a man to meet the,. I think it's imperative to have a man who appreciates the value in the relationship, in the person he is with, whether or not you are going through a stale patch. I think I will get shot down for this and maybe quite rightly so, but what has he learnt from his affair. That is was wrong? Best of luck whatever you decide.

OP, you believe he is not a cocklodger. I agree. I think he is a man who likes having a housewife. What's not to love?! I want a willing housewife too.

A housewife who works FT to earn a good wage, still does all household duties, does not feel resentful about it and is still up for sex. Seriously what's not to love!

Now, if you want to be sure he loves you for you not because of your housewifery then you can easily find out.

Insist that he does his fair share of housework.

Let's say you just ask him to be in charge of laundry. You do still do everything else as normal. See what happens.

I sit here gazing into my crystal ball and I predict:

He will agree to do it and you will be happy. Excpet it won't last a month. I predict he will have a very busy time at work, he won't be home to do the laundry. You'll feel sorry for this hard working guy and help him out with the laundry. I mean, it would be mean not to, right, when he is so much busier than you with work? His job is so important and he is so stressed, you wouldn't get all petty and nag him would you? Of course not. Before you know it, you are back doing all the housework, wondering whether he really was working late.

I wouldn't worry about him cheating - he's getting on now and won't be the catch that he once was.

I'd be more worried about him using escorts once he's too old to pull young 20something women.

I needed to go away for a few days to see family and he wanted his youngest to stay over for a few days and we thought it would be good if they got some time together just the 2 of them so we coincided it at the same time.

'Nose' wasn't meant in a nasty way but she did look at his phone behind his back. I haven't looked at my DP's phone but he's open with it anyway.

He's probably got another phone. I'm amazed he wasn't clever enough to do that first time.

Nettle of course he pays his way. We split rent, shopping, bills etc.

I do still have my own life and see my friends.

Fatrascals I haven't made anything up, why the fuck would I?!

Your claim I'm gloating and don't care about the pain we've caused is so far from the truth as to be insulting.

I posted in the first place because I was finding the guilt hard to cope with and struggling to understand how he could hurt someone he was supposed to love.

I have been defending our relationship because posters have been continually telling me how much of a fucking bastard he is and he's only with me because it's convenient which is fucking incorrect.

Fatrascals his ex should have talked to him not looked at his phone.

I'm not judging his ex in the slightest, I feel very sorry for her.

Someone needs to say this is a great relationship.

You don't need to defend the relationship to us, if you're happy about it. You're the one with the doubts and who asked about your partner. Why do you think you have doubts? Because, possibly, you are now imagining yourself in his ex's place. And you are wondering if he will do it to you too.

Get some paper and honestly fill the pros and cons. Then evaluate where you stand with him.

Fatrascals his ex should have talked to him not looked at his phone.

You're joking, right? If she asked him if he was cheating he'd just suddenly be honest and tell her the truth?
Surely you don't believe that?

Fatrascals his ex should have talked to him not looked at his phone.

I'm not judging his ex in the slightest, I feel very sorry for her.

Those 2 sentences are oxymoronic.

You didn't feel sorry for his wife when you were screwing him early in your relationship, and I doubt like all hell you do now.

I suspect that, given that you're not his first fling or his last, I'll wager his wife knew the signs that he was having yet another tawdry affair, while promising her that you didn't exist, promising her that he only loved her, sleeping with her and promising her the earth. She almost certainly knew, because he'd done it so many times before. So she merely confirmed her suspicions by looking at his phone.

I wonder if he used the same lines with you as he did with all his other women? Maybe that's why she's being nice, because she knows exactly what he'll do to you and pities you already, because she's seen him do it all before?

Jesus, should have talked to him like he talked to her?

Fatrascals his ex should have talked to him not looked at his phone.

Oh should she, now?

This woman, who was married to this man for years and years, who bore his children, who he wanted and planned to grow old with, who knows him far better than you can possibly claim to, who is still his closest relative and spouse in law, you think you get to have a fucking opinion on how she should have conducted her marriage, to a lying philanderer?

Get a fucking grip of yourself.

He wanted to stay married to her. Thee is zero chance he would have told her the truth.

You should be grateful that she had her little nose, because if she hadn't you'd still be the meaningless bit on the side of an ageing lothario.

Instead you have been promoted to the exalted position of chief cook and bottle washer.

It's very easy to see why nobody bothered to snap you up before now.

Rabbit I had self esteem issues years ago but not any more.

I didn't chase him, he chased me. He was into me but it was complicated to start with and he didn't want his wife to be suspicious. I did fall for him when it was mainly just sex to him at the beginning because it couldn't be anything more.

I couldn't care less what he earns. He's self employed and doesn't pay himself too much because he doesn't need to.

The sex is mind blowing and he is very charming and pays me a lot of attention. He does make me feel good and we haven't had a major disagreement.

Yet