He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

"he did do his fair share with the kids. She did get a break. I don't know why he didn't do more, he's perfectly capable around the house. We've not talked about it in detail.

He's not blamed her really but she wasn't bothered about making time for just the 2 of them so the effort was 1 sided."

I've copied your post exactly, these are not two statements made hours apart, they followed each other in your post of 16-Sep-15 08:53:56.

Can you truly not see that they contradict each other?

'I don't know why he didn't do more' versus 'she wasn't bothered about making time for just the 2 of them so the effort was 1 sided'.

Think about that. Exactly what effort could he have been making, to make time for the two of them, if he was leaving all the time-consuiming domestic drudgery to her? And 'she wasn't bothered' - that's a judgement if ever I heard one! She COULDN'T make time that she didn't have, all her time was taken up with running a house with two children. Very, very time-consuming, especially when your husband is a shirker.

And now here you are and you are doing "most of the household stuff, cooking, cleaning, shopping."

He's using you.

And I'll ask again, because I think it's important given that he got away with shagging about for 15 years - how did his wife find out about him shagging about with you?

The thing is you don't know what happened in his marriage.
You don't know if there were sex issues.
You don't know if she made time or not.
You don't know if he did his share.

What you do know:
He lies.
He lied for years to the woman he promised to be faithful to.
He cheated several times, with different women, for more than a decade.
He is with you because he was dumped by his wife.
He supposedly works long hours for little money.

How does that sound to you?

I'm having internet connection problems so I am having difficulty posting.

He does love me, he's not cocklodging and he's not with me until someone better comes along.

He didn't leave his marriage because he didn't want to fuck up his kids life and it's a lot of stress getting divorced and splitting financially. He said he would have left his ex years ago if they'd not had kids and not been married and financially entangled.

He regrets the pain he's caused but is a lot happier than he was with his ex.

Then its perfect!

We're apart for a few days as his youngest his staying with him and we thought it would be good for them to have time together. He's really missing me and can't wait for me to get home.

I'm not worried about him cheating while I'm away and I know our house will be clean and tidy when I get home.

He got his own place when his wife slung him out but he spent most of his time at my flat before we got a house.

His wife found out because she had a nose at his phone.

So if she hadn't done that you'd still be his bit on the side...

He went with you because you were the next best option, not because he is madly in love with you. Think whether you believe you deserve more than that.

So you move out when his kid comes?

Keep on being the super girlfriend.

It all sounds like you are giving up a lot of yourself and your dignity in really subtle ways, while he is taking. He's walking all over you and you don't see it. Other people here see it because they've been cheated on and/or they are extremely astute, intelligent people who can tell it like it is to you. I see it because I was in similar shoes to you, except the man in my case left his wife first before trying to set up with me. I didn't want to devote myself, because I was always unsure and never trusted him because of the way our relationship started. For various reasons I turned out to be entirely correct, it ended messily.

You're putting all your trust into someone who has proved he is untrustworthy. That is very foolish. If you're happy with this, carry on. If you're not, listen to the voice that is telling you he did a very cuntish thing.

So, you are leaving your own home for him to see his kids there?

This means they don't want to know you, presumably. How do you feel about it?

Even if either of those things are true, he'll be saying it's because the children don't want to meet her.

This man has been lying to the women in his life for decades.

Nothing he says can be taken at face value.

Especially not things about how he feels about the woman he is shagging.

"His wife found out because she had a nose at his phone."

Gosh, you do dispise her, don't you?

She said the ex wife was nice earlier upthread. I see less despising and more pitying, which is why I feel like the OP is a being a bit smug and leaving herself as an open goal for a rude awakening, rather than feeling guilty and repenting of her sins while she still has control.

If you're going to be the Other Woman who bags the prize of a cheating arse of a man, you must never be arrogant or complacent. You always have to watch your back. Which is a terrible way to live.

It was the "had a nose at his phone" that sounded so disparaging. How very dare she.

I know.

Before you met him did you have some serious self-esteem issues?

I am asking because you chased a married man who wasn't that into you. You don't mind him being a 50+ workaholic who earns less than you. You do his share of the housework.

Has his attention been a massive boost to your self confidence?

Is he really good at sex? Is he good at being charming? Does he always say the right thing to make you feel good?

Have you had a major disagreement yet?

Where do you go to when the kids come to stay? Isn't it YOUR home that he moved into, and yet you are leaving it? You have been together 2 years, you think its serious, you have a future, and yet you still stay away from your own home so he can see his kid?

You need to ask him to start sharing the housework, seriously, 50-50. Because whether you like it or not you are setting up the future, and if he doesnt help out equally now, when he retires he will do fuck all. And it will prove a little that he moved in for you, and not because you could take over the domestic duties that he lost when his wife threw him out because although he had his own place, it seems he preferred (surprise) you looking after him to him having to do that work himself.

And I hope he is paying his way. I hope he is contributing proportionally to bills. I hope you have time out away from him during the week, to still have your own life, follow your own hobbies, you havent let that slide.