He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

Fatrascals I mentioned the sex because I was answering a direct question, I wasn't gloating.

Oh well. Can't say we didn't warn you.

"There are none so blind as those who will not see. The most deluded people are those who choose to ignore what they already know." John Heywood.

You keep telling yourself how great he is.
Love is about growing old together.
He has not nor ever will fall in love with you.
And he is charming because he has learnt this to get all the ladies into his bed/hotel/car.
But don't worry you keep sticking up for him.
Hope you have had your std checks.
Hes been with many many woman so hope you are well protected.
Hes a great guy who can con a lady into bed that's all.

You do have issues.
Self employed so has plenty of time to meet and greet plenty of woman.
It wont be long before you have a 'nose' on his phone then.

it was mainly just sex to him at the beginning because it couldn't be anything more.

I think you mean "because he didn't need anything more".

It was just sex for him as long as he had a wife he loved and was planning to stay with at home.

Such a coincidence that he suddenly realised you weren't only good for a shag when he found himself lacking a domestic female appliance.

Aw op, just as long as you don't give him any reason to stray, you'll be fine. ;)

Ok then. Truth is, no one here cares whether he loves/tolerates/dumps you or not. They've given you the best advice possible. Again, what more did you want from this thread? Forgiveness? Reassurance?

Incidentally, you must have known that posting on Mumsnet of all places would lead to responses from women who've had their lives wrecked by this kind of selfishness. You must know (despite claiming to feel guilty) that you've been insensitive in the way you've posted and continue to post. And you've now posted enough identifying information over the course of this thread in terms of ages, circumstances and holiday dates that if his ex happened to be a Mumsnet member, she could possibly spot you. Was that the plan? Are you for real?

If the ex is on here at least she'll know she has a unanimous "you're well rid".

Maybe this is the ex posing as the OW to try to fathom what on earth she is doing?! It's fairly elaborate thou

You say you don't have self esteem issues any more, you're lying to yourself love because anyone who didn't wouldn't settle for this 'prize' of a man
Take a real look at the relationship, it certainly isn't what you're telling yourself it is. Great sex only goes so far I'm afraid, to make it last you need way more substance.

Frankly he does love me. Our relationship is a lot more than just sex and I am not his housekeeper as some as you seem to think.

I don't need std checks as he was careful.

Bath he fell in love with me when we spent proper time together and had the chance to develop a proper relationship.

he fell in love with me when we spent proper time together and had the chance to develop a proper relationship.

Of course he did!

The old familiar romantic story - happily married man who enjoys putting it about shags woman for months then suddenly falls in love when kicked out by wife.

Hey comedown there is nothing in your posts that say he loves you.
Your history started with sex and ends with sex.

True love to oneself is not hurting other people.

Like many woman you believe the man and not your own feelings.
Anyway it will be over soon enough as hes a man/child who will get bored with you soon enough.
And the reason you stay with him because you told yourself that he loves you.

Get some real help with your feeling.
And seriously get a std check he is a serial cheat.
And by saying that you think you are fine tells me how plainly naive you are.
His penis and mouth has been everywhere inside many woman.
Now Yours

"I don't need std checks as he was careful."
That's an extremely silly thing to think. Being foolish about the emotional side is one thing, playing Russian Roulette with your health quite another. Surely no one is this clueless unless they are 13?

When I first posted I didn't know you were the OW.

There's no telling you - you will believe what you want. But the truth is, you are not bloody Romeo and Juliet.It's not a great love story - your relationship is the result of a sordid affair. His wife is well rid.

What he can do with you, he can do to you. But like I said, there's no telling you.

Maybe he won't cheat. But if you were certain,you wouldn't have asked. Either way, you've got a real prize in him

I don't need std checks as he was careful

his wife trusted him to be faithful, and you're trusting your sexual health with him because you trust he was careful with all the women he's slept with.

You do know that barier methods to protect against all STDs.

Once again your judgement is shocking.

Deep I don't expect complete strangers to give a fuck to be fair.

I posted because I was confused as seeing my friend experience being cheated on made me really think about what we've done.

It bothered me before as I am racked with guilt but it weren't in my face and it now is. I don't see my DP as a bastard as he's a great bloke and I like to think I'm a nice person. The facts are telling me otherwise and I don't know how to cope with it.

Perhaps I would like forgiveness but I know I won't get it and I don't deserve it. His ex hates me.

I am sorry if anyone thinks I have been insensitive. I didn't intend to be. I thought I'd been quite vague with identifying details but in any case I can't imagine his ex being on here as she's very private.

I've not come on here thinking his ex might be on MN so I could goad her?! Why the fuck would I, I have no wish to hurt her more than necessary.

I am for real, why the fuck would I come on to get ripped to pieces?

this is the problem. He LOVED his wife. If she hadnt been nosy he would still have been loving his wife, because, kids or not, when you love someone you would have left to be with them and faced the consequences later.
But he didnt. He only LOVED you once his wife kicked him out, when staying in his own home, taking care of his own domestic shit wasnt such a great idea.
Men dont go from sex to love. It doesnt work that way. You were latest bit of skirt, latest fancy, latest titilation, because he likes something new and shiny. It didnt take too long for his marriage to bore him - he cheated for far longer than he was faithful. Cheating is settled very easily in his mind. How long did all these different women last before he got bored and went for the next one? Because if he was just looking for sex, then why the serial affairs? why not just stick with one person who he could trust to be discrete? Because he feels entitled to/wants variety. And there is your risk - no matter how 'mind blowing' the sex is now, it WILL get boring to him, because its with the same person. Swinging from the chandeliers, taking it every which way, its still the same person, the same body, the same face. And Im not convinced that he has proven he can do intimacy, because someone who looks for a bit on the side instead of working through the tough bits of a marriage, is very superficial.
Id give it another year or two at the most.

And yes, Im glad he pays his way, but you havent addressed the idea of him taking on 50% of the household tasks.

My beautiful, wonderful Aunt was driven to 'having a nose' at her ageing, philandering husbands phone when she could stand the suspicions and double-think no longer. What she found was so unbearable to her that she killed herself.

Yes, we all 'pitied' her. And sincerely hope that her husband burns in hell for what he did.

"The facts are telling me otherwise and I don't know how to cope with it."

Forgiveness won't help you to cope, because the wife or whoever forgiving you won't change the fact that, in relationships, your partner is a bit of a shit. You won't ever be able to truly reconcile that with the amazing man you wish he was.
If you are serious, you really should get an STI test. It's sensible anyway, but essential if you are sleeping with someone with a history of being unfaithful and of lying.

MrsFring I am sincerely sorry to read your post re your aunt. I am genuinely shocked reading it. I am sorry.

I like to think I'm a nice person.

Just another thing you are dead wrong about.

You are neither a nice person, nor a good person.

You are an extremely foolish and deluded person.

I guess he's had years of practice at picking them.

Sure you are OP. Sure you are.

Words kind of fail me here. Yes, private people post on MN too, especially after their marriages break down and they need help. ????How do you know (for example) I'm not the ex who's just shipped a kid to exDH, a self employed bloke in his 50s who cheated on me for decades and who I separated with a year ago, whose girlfriend (who he cheated with me 2 years ago with) has just gone away for a few days while he has the DC? .... Etc. etc. ????I can only guess you didn't (and don't) care if she reads this. You didn't care about hurting her then or now, and this childish seeking for some internet mums to give you reassurance is weird when you keep saying "But he loves me!" like a teenager. ????THAT'S why I asked if you're for real, I can't fathom the way you have justified things or the way you couldn't see harm in affairs until now. ????Do you want me to say you're a nice person because you finally realised what a shitty thing you did? I can't. I don't know you. You might be the friendliest cheeriest apparently kindest person in the world. You can't reconcile that with your actions. The nicest thing anyone here can say is start looking after yourself. Maybe you need to see a couples counsellor and talk this stuff out professionally. And get this thread deleted (unless you like the potential drama).

Er, that was me. Have no idea why it posted in old name. On app, have reported!