He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

"What do you mean she fell for his lies?"

She fell for the whole "oh I tried to fix it", "it went stale", "it's different with you". Lines would do as well as lies. I'm not absolving the OP of responsibility but I think he's worse and I think she's very naive.

Different I only have his version of events. Exactly! if you want the truth, you won't get it from him. Ask his ex.

He didn't walk out on his kids Actually he did. Every time he chose to shag another woman & not support their mother, he was emotionally, at least, walking out on them.

He wouldn't have cheated on his wife if they'd been happily married. That is the oldest line in the book, and not true. men don't cheat because they are unhappy, they cheat because they want sex.

Did he tell you how sorry he told his wife he was when she found out, how he told her that he loved her & wanted to work on their marriage, how he told her that of course he was happy, he just 'made a mistake' ... because that is what they ALL do when they cheat. If he was genuinely unhappy, he would have left before starting numerous affairs.

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years
they split up last year so it's not been that long in terms of getting divorced.

So you WERE the OW? Well, that explains it all then, to be honest. I had my suspicions that you were, you talk like someone who has been sucked in to the 'romance' of it all. He's only with you because his wife didn't want him anymore (sensible woman)

Is that why he wasn't too keen to begin with? It's not that he wasn't too keen, he realised that he fucked up his marriage & settled, instead of being alone...which tells op exactly what he thinks of her. She is an option, a stay, a fall guy, a stop gap.

Rabbit he's a workaholic and obviously I've seen first hand how good he is at lying Ohhh so he already works long hours...do you where he is the ENTIRE time he is at work? He lies so well, do you trust him 100%?

How can someone reach the age of 30 without realising that sleeping with married men hurts people? I think it has something to do with being very selfish.

You do realise he's only with you because his wife slung him out, don't you?

He wasn't even that interested in you, before. You were his "bit on the side".

Now, instead of having to fend for himself, you've given him a place to live, and you do all the housework.

He's not in love with you - he's settled for you.

Now maybe noone he perceives as better will come along for him, and you'll still be together in 20 years time. But you'll always know that you were second best.

Is that what you want?

I feel ashamed I have played a part in her devastation.

As others said, you only played a part because she happened to find out he was shagging someone else.
He didn't come clean to her, did he?
He didn't actually leave her for you, did he?

As others said, you just happened to be someone he was having sex with at the time and he obviously didn't want to go without sex. Which is great. For now.

If you had any self respect, you'd have dumped him as well, tbh.

he does pull his weight. He's not a lazy fucker, he works hard.

At what? Work? For all you know he could have yet another woman on the run.

Home?

What did he tell his wife he was doing while he was balls deep in you OP? That he was at work? Is that where the belief he's a workaholic comes from as he really can't be if he found time to fuck you behind her back? Is that what he tells you now?
How low must your opinion of yourself be if you think you have a fantastic relationship with a man who settled for you as the easy option when his wife threw him out?
Don't feel sorry for his wife, you've done her a favour taking this serial shagger off her hands...

He wouldn't have cheated on his wife if they'd been happily married

Oh come ON! Are you really going there?

Do you think poor people are poor because they haven't worked hard enough to deserve riches? Do you believe people fall to ill health because they didn't eat enough spinach? The planet doesn't operate on the Just World Fallacy. Sometimes, shit things happen to nice people, because the world isn't fair.

Don't be surprised if your friend drops you once she gets over the grief and shock and finds her anger.

If someone is sniffing around elsewhere they are not happy with their marriage, however that doess not mean the spouse has caused the unhappiness. If someone is unhappy in their marriage, the decent thing to do is resolve it and, if you can't resolve it, end it.

Even if this guy was unhappy in his marriage, he hasn't shown that he takes things head on and tries to resolve them respectfully, he tries to resolve them by sleeping with other people. This isn't the sign of a hard done by spouse who got to the end of their tether, it's the sign of someone with a staggering sense of entitlement. You worshipping him is basically telling him that what you did was ok, and it makes him feel like some sort of king. I am pretty sure if you were to stray from your place, eg stopping doing his housework, making friends with a man your own age however innocently, he would not treat you like a queen. He'd either use it as an excuse to go fuck someone else or, more likely since he is getting on a bit now, he will make you feel shit about yourself.

OP, I posted yesterday evening
"So I'm guessing he moved straight in with you after she threw him out?
"

I definitely maybe wasn't specific enough about what that implied question was.

I'd like you to think about timelines and sequences of events. And to be honest with yourself.

Your OP included "It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious."

So your feelings were stronger than his. Presumably at this time, his wife didn't know? What came first, his wife knowing or him deciding your relationship was serious after all?

When she threw him out, did he move straight in, or get his own place for a while? Because there's a big difference. I'm guessing he moved straight in (or very very quickly). After all, he strikes me as a man who likes his creature comforts. Someone to do all "most of the household stuff, cooking, cleaning, shopping" so that he doesn't have too. I've often thought that most serial adulterers would prefer to be single and shag around openly, but, well, it's nice to come home to a clean house and food in the fridge without having to put any effort into it, so they marry to get that and shag about not-so-openly.

So, back to the timeline. And be honest with yourself. How close in time was him deciding your relationship was more serious, and her finding out? Or to really spell it out - did him getting thrown out make him pretend to take your relationship more seriously because he needed somewhere to stay that was already furnished?

I know you're still in denial, but he really is taking you for a mug. Yes, you have behaved badly; I suspect foolishly and naively rather than maliciously. Your friend's devastation has taken the wool from your eyes. But in your current situation you are not just a perpetrator, you are becoming his next victim. Step back from it a bit and see it for what it is. He is a user and a taker. He's charming to you right now, on the surface. But sometime soon, if it hasn't already happened, those words 'stale' and 'excitement' are going to resurface.

You need to ask yourself - is that what you actually are here? The supplier of comfortable domesticity, just like his wife was, a base from which to continue his established pattern of cheating?

Oh, forgot to ask - how did his wife find out?

If I had a "workaholic" DP who had spent years putting in all those hours only to drive a battered old car and not earn that much money then I think I'd expect him to get a different job and put all that extra effort into our home and family.

Unless of course all those extra hours were actually spent inside somewhere else.

Sounds like you've been in denial a look time OP, spinning a story of a poor neglected husband that found his true love at the wrong time and now, seeing your friend, you are realising how wrong and rubbish that story and the justification is.

Now you are realising the truth, you have to accept his reasoning were bullshit. He could have easily ended the relationship with her first, been amicable or worked on things. He chose not too. If he still maintains he had reason too then he's making excuses, not accepting what he actually did and the heartache and he will do it again.

Some cheaters can change but that depends on situation and affair length. If they accept all responsibility for the cheating, not blaming it on an unhappy relationship- because an unhappy relationship can be worked on or changed into two single happier people which is the right thing to do if both are respected and cared for. The cheater leaves the other person feeling a whole host of other emotions including blame, anger, confusion, inadequacy, uncertainty and distrust.

If your OH still maintains his wife was at fault and doesn't see it as his responsibility then you are fucked, because he hasn't changed and can still justify it at heart.

In another year or so, you will likely be in the wife's position of being betrayed and that uncomfortable feeling in your gut? It's screaming at you that things don't add up, that your fairytale and OHs words don't add up. Good luck.

I caught my ex husband spinning the same crass lines to other women about the relationship not being good, 3 months into our engagement and 3 months after leaving him.

I was his second wife and the heartbreak very nearly destroyed me.

3 years on and he is now married to his 3rd wife. You can bet your arse she doesn't know anywhere near the truth about why he was divorced for the second time, otherwise there's not a cat in Hells chance she would have married him.

Get real luv, leopards don't change their spots, they just remember how they got caught out last time and change their strategy

Isetan he did do his fair share with the kids. She did get a break. I don't know why he didn't do more, he's perfectly capable around the house. We've not talked about it in detail.

He's not blamed her really but she wasn't bothered about making time for just the 2 of them so the effort was 1 sided.

If 'I'm up for it' as you put it, it's because I want to be not because I think I need to be to stop him straying.

Creme she knew there were issues with their sex life but she was shocked he cheated on her.

But ComeDownToMe - you've only got his side of the story here! You have no clue just what was going on or who put most effort in.

And it's classic 'follow the script' stuff to claim that he made an effort and she didn't.

Does he do his fair share of the cooking cleaning and shopping now?

If not, then he didn't do his fair share with the kids then.

Creme she knew there were issues with their sex life but she was shocked he cheated on her

Yep. That's because decent, honourable people do not react to issues with their sex life by cheating. And she obviously still thought he was a decent, honourable man.

OP I could almost understand you writing it off and minimising it if he had a one off fling n foolish error, but he was cheating on his wife with multiple people since, what, the 90s?! How can you see this as anything other than massively taking the piss out of her and their children, whatever was going on at home?

Please read your posts as if someone else had written them and see what you think.

By his reasoning let's say there were issues meaning he couldn't have sex for example or it was less frequent than you would like. Would it be ok for you to cheat or his wife to have cheated? All these things he's telling you are just excuses and not good ones! He's obviously going to tell you the effort was one sided. The only effort he was putting in was shagging numerous people! That doesn't sound like a person wanting to work on their marriage does it?!

If he wasn't happy with their sex life he should have done what any decent man would, talk about it.

If it could be solved he then could have done what any decent man would, leave the marriage or suggest a concentual open marriage.

The fact that he didn't suggest a concentual open marriage means that he knew she'd not agree and he was putting his own selfish needs before her right to decide she'd rather not have an open marriage.

He deliberately concealed because it suited him when it didn't suit her.

He'll do the same to you if you needs don't match his because that's who he is.

So, did he only 'commit' to you after she found out and threw him out? Or did he actually choose to be with you and end the marriage himself?

If he only 'committed' after she threw him out, how does it feel knowing that despite whatever your beliefs are, he wanted the marriage, not you, and was forced into being with you be his rejection by her.

And the story is changing yet again.

On Sunday you said:

"His ex didn't really get much time for herself when they had the kids from what I gather."

And now it's:

"he did do his fair share with the kids. She did get a break."

As you've already said that he's a workaholic, I suspect the first version is probably closer to the truth.

Again, when exactly was his wife meant to find this extra time?

Creme she knew there were issues with their sex life but she was shocked he cheated on her.

Do you think that she was wrong then? To find out her dh cheated MULTIPLE times with MULTIPLE women, while she raised their kids & kept their home?

Remember what you said a few posts ago I only have his version of events

Remember that EVERY TIME he talks to you about what happened...

Fratelli makes a good point. If you were to get frustrated with your relationship or sex life for any reason, which is entirely possible (he is getting older, you are doing most of the housework, you may or may not want children and there are obstacles there, you may just get bored of him...), if you were to seek solace in the arms of someone else I am pretty sure he would not give the same charitable assessment of your actions that you are giving to him. He would not say "oh well, I understand, she did no worse than I did", even though he set the precedent.

The thing about selfish people is they are often also exceptionally arrogant, and hold other people to different standards. You are enabling that, so when shit happens, which it will, you will be on the back foot. He doesn't care about you more than he cares about his ego. If he did, he wouldn't have kept you as a bit on the side until his wife slung him out and he needed some shelter. The shelter came with shags and a housemaid, so he has it made.

Your thread is interesting. Usually the ow tries to talk about how it was a big love affair, unstoppable etc.

You can't do that, because he was happy living with his wife, wanted no strings fun with you, and then ended up with you only when his wife found out.

So, you have to do the next best thing: they weren't right for each other, she neglected him, but you two are, oh yes, you really understand each other.

The trouble is, you know that's not quite true either.

Just make sure you absolutely devote yourself to him - always put him first, keep an eye on him, and fgs don't get ill or pregnant - I think you'll get your happy ever after with the man of your dreams.

I don't know why he didn't do more, he's perfectly capable around the house.

I'm going to take a wild guess and say he couldn't be bothered.

Plus, presumably there was the time he spent pursuing and indulging in his various affairs over the years - a couple of hours spent shagging someone else vs running the hoover around and doing the laundry probably seemed like a no-brainer at the time.