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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you get an 'allowance'?

150 replies

Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 08:43

And how do you feel about it?
I'm a SAHM and H has always given me an 'allowance' every month for clothes, food ect. We've never had joint accounts. I like the fact I know exactly what I have each month but sometimes can't help feeling a bit patronised.
There are lots of other issues but yesterday my husband had a go at me for using the prime TV account (from his bank account) to buy the kids a DVD to watch (£4) He's now changed h's password to reprimand me!!

Every so often he'll have a dig. We have 3 young children and I hardly ever buy stuff for myself. If I do it's an ebay item or charity shop. We were on holiday this summer for a week and he kept on about me buying all the stuff as he didn't have any money left.
I do use ebay to sell stuff too and he makes fun of me for that.

We are in no way hard up. He has a very well paid job in central London and he also owns other property ect.
Sometimes I feel like a small child and him the parent.

OP posts:
wonkylegs · 31/08/2015 08:45

Nope and DH wouldn't dream of even commenting on my purchases and v.v
We are a family and our money is ours not his or mine.

Original poster
Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 08:46

Also meant to say that unless I am desperate I never ask for more money. (I'd sooner ask my mum) but if I do, I 'owe' it to him!

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 31/08/2015 08:46

No, that sounds like an awful way to live. I couldn't put up with that. When I was on mat leave and not earning, I always had full access to joint account. My DH earns more than me, but he's never once questioned anything I've bought in 30 years. Is your husband abusive in other ways?

bittapitta · 31/08/2015 08:47

Sounds fucked up to me. If you divorced you'd be entitled to more. Why not have a joint account if you're married with only one earner? You need funds for groceries, looking after the kids etc

Changing the p/w seems a symptom of emotional/financial abuse tbh - very controlling behaviour. What's his relationship like with his children?

Twunk · 31/08/2015 08:50

No, we have a joint account. We make larger decisions jointly but day-to-day I never even mention what I spend and neither does DH. Your situation doesn't sound great to me, rather controlling. I haven't had pocket money since I was 16.

MothershipG · 31/08/2015 08:52

To punish you for spending £4 on the kids is absolutely unacceptable. You should have equal access to family money and be an equal voice in any big financial decisions.

Unless you have a history of serious reckless spending he should not be controlling your access to family money like this.

Original poster
Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 08:52

Not great bitta, he's always working so doesn't see them much. Gets fed up of them after a few minutes. I really find it exhausting, but guess until now just saw it as 'my job'. I think he is of the mentality tat looking after the kids is the mother's job full stop.

OP posts:
HamaTime · 31/08/2015 08:52

Sounds awful. I was a SAHM for 10 years and I suppose I technically had an 'allowance', but so did DP. My 'allowance' wasn't for food and clothes, it was for crap. DP has a similar account for his crap too, and family expenses came out of the joint account.

I know it's only a snapshot but it sounds abusive. Is he tight with his own stuff, or would he buy a £4 dvd of a film he wanted to watch?

WeirdCatLadySaysFuckOffJeffrey · 31/08/2015 08:54

That sounds like a horribly controlling way to behave OP. How does he treat you in general? It doesn't sound good to me at all. All our money is joint, always has been. I haven't worked for a number of years due to poor health but all our money is still joint. DH wouldn't dream of commenting on anything I spent money on. I think you need to have a good hard think about how he is treating you and whether he could maybe change or whether you need to leave. Hugs.

LucyMouse · 31/08/2015 08:54

I couldn't live like this. DH earns 3x my salary but we each have the same amount of personal "spending money" per month, for clothes etc. Anything for the home, for DS, food, petrol etc comes from a joint account.
Does he belittle you in other ways? Does he spend a lot of money on himself or is he generally penny pinching?

Original poster
Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 08:55

When we met, I was working and really enjoyed my job but we soon had to move so he could come here and work. I got pregnant and have been a sham since. I'd love to do some hours but it's impossible with his working hours unless they had a babysitter or something (which is not on the cards).

OP posts:
PosterEh · 31/08/2015 08:56

I'm a SAHM and I have equal access to our family money. If anything I have more control than dh since I manage our finances and so know where the money is.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2015 08:57

What do you get out of this relationship now?. This is no way to live and your children are learning damaging lessons about relationships.

You feel patronised because you are indeed being patronised. His behaviour is abusive because this is about power and control; he wants absolute over you. His behaviour re funds and changing passwords is financial abuse to me; he is actively controlling your access to funds. You have to account for every penny that you spend.

It is often very difficult for victims to recognise abuse which is of an economic or financial nature: it may develop slowly and insidiously, so that what at the outset could be seen perhaps as protectiveness can become increasingly controlling, and leave no outlet for an independent life of any kind. For example, a potential abuser might say something along
these lines:

"I’ll take care of all the bills – you don’t need a bank account".

"I earn enough for both of us, so you don’t need to work now: I’ll look after you".

While initially this might seem acceptable, it gives the one earning and paying the bills considerable power which could potentially be exploited in order to perpetrate abuse over the other partner. This is precisely what he is doing here.

He will not change; your best option here going forward is to seek legal advice with regards to separating from him.

Joysmum · 31/08/2015 08:57

Your question isn't about allegations wanted though, it's about your DH making digs and not valuing you. He'd get an earful if he tried that on me!

We know what our expenses are, have savings and each of us has current accounts for our allowance which is our disposable income divided in half. We have equal spending power with no need to justify or explain or keep track of our own spending.

There's no way on earth I'd want to share s joint account as that makes you venerable if your partner is a spendthrift or decides to leave and empty the account. My money is safe and we have no arguments over money as most couples do.

waitaminutenow · 31/08/2015 08:57

Yes but we don't see it as an allowance. It's money that is just for me. I can choose to spend or save it as I see fit. It doesn't get questioned/budgeted for.

ExplodingCarrots · 31/08/2015 08:59

Sorry Op but your DH is being a controlling. He doesn't sound great to be living with.

I'm a SAHM and I have access to money without having to ask. If I need to buy something big I ask (as its in my nature) but DP never minds as long as we got the funds. If we sit down and do our budgeting and we need to cut back he says right, WE need to cut back. I'd feel like a kid getting an allowance and if that started with me I'd be straight back to work.

Original poster
Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 09:00

Yes, he s does criticize me a lot. He does spend on himself. Bought a new computer couple of weeks ago, new clothes ect. I never question it as I just thought 'well he earns it'. I always feel guilty buying myself stuff.
It was my birthday (35th) a couple of weeks ago and I got £50 no presents. That made me a bit upset!

OP posts:
bittapitta · 31/08/2015 09:01

Take serious consideration into whether you and the kids would be better off if you left, I suspect you would. He is making your life miserable. You'd get what you're financially entitled to.

DoreenLethal · 31/08/2015 09:01

Hows about making your allowance a regular thing, and call it Child Support and then you will have control over your own affairs, in your own house, and then you will also have some child free time when he has the kids at his, every other weekend and overnight in between.

Win-win.

DurhamDurham · 31/08/2015 09:02

Since the day we moved in together our money has just been pooled in one account, most of the time my husband has been the main wage earner but occasionally it's been me. For a period of time when our girls were little I didn't earn anything at all.......however I would have felt completely patronised if he had wanted to give me an allowance. It was just 'our' money as a family.
We both buy what we want whilst keeping an eye on the balance, we strive to not go overdrawn but if it happens occasionally there is no blame directed at each other, we just cut back and get back in to the black.

DirtyMugPolice · 31/08/2015 09:03

What a dick. Are they not his children too? That's terrible complaining about a purchase for them.

OP did you have any financial independence before you had your DC? I'm going on ML in a few months and although the finances will become a bit tighter me and my H have worked together to plan for this so we aren't struggling and I can still do the things I want to such as buy things and go for a coffee without giving it too much thought. We do both earn roughly the same though and finances are joint - as they should be I think when you have DC.

tribpot · 31/08/2015 09:03

Agreed - an allowance is for personal spends, not household items like a movie for the kids to watch. My DH has recently bought a movie for ds not realising we already had it on DVD somewhere - slightly annoying but I would never dream of changing the password as a form of punishment, that's hugely disrespectful. (Btw I earn the money and my DH is a SAHD).

I don't get the comments whilst you were on holiday either - it sounds like he resented spending time with his family and so wanted to punish you by making you pay for everything. Like it was your 'fault' he was on holiday with his family, WTF?

Frankly your DH is exactly the sort of person I would never want to be a SAHP with.

ssd · 31/08/2015 09:04

I can't understand women who put up with this sort of crap.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2015 09:04

I would also think OP that this has been going on for quite a while now; such abuse is insidious in its onset. What he is doing is financial abuse and such men can also be abusive emotionally too. All these behaviours are aimed at controlling your actions and giving you hardly any freedom of choice.

What at the outset could be seen perhaps as protectiveness can become increasingly controlling, and leave no outlet for an independent life of any kind.

BeautifulBatman · 31/08/2015 09:05

We don't have a joint account (I don't work) but dh transfers money to my personal and 'housekeeping' accounts every month. If I run out, I use his card or get him to transfer me more money. He certainly wouldn't comment on what I have spent money on. Mainly because he knows I'm not a spender as such but also because he wouldn't see me go without. He certainly wouldn't go telling me off or changing passwords/pin codes.