Do you get an 'allowance'?

[Mylastname80]

And how do you feel about it?
I'm a SAHM and H has always given me an 'allowance' every month for clothes, food ect. We've never had joint accounts. I like the fact I know exactly what I have each month but sometimes can't help feeling a bit patronised.
There are lots of other issues but yesterday my husband had a go at me for using the prime TV account (from his bank account) to buy the kids a DVD to watch (£4) He's now changed h's password to reprimand me!!

Every so often he'll have a dig. We have 3 young children and I hardly ever buy stuff for myself. If I do it's an ebay item or charity shop. We were on holiday this summer for a week and he kept on about me buying all the stuff as he didn't have any money left.
I do use ebay to sell stuff too and he makes fun of me for that.

We are in no way hard up. He has a very well paid job in central London and he also owns other property ect.
Sometimes I feel like a small child and him the parent.

And all our savings are in my name too.

No, we both work, dh earns much more than me, but we just share the money and both spend it as we need to. Dh would never question my spending (but I am not extravagant - I suppose he might say something if I had a fleet of diamond ferraris, and we couldn't buy food). Vice versa is also true.

I think the very language of an "allowance" implies the money is his to give or "allow" you. In fact, it is jointly yours, as you are facilitating him earning it by caring for his children. Were you to divorce, a court would decide that it was jointly yours, too, and he would be forced to accept that ruling.

"Allowance" my arse. As I see it, he is limiting your access to your money. So it's more of a "disallowance", if anything.

I'm a SAHM. Technically I have full access but DH manages all the financial stuff. He had to do it all as I was very ill for a few years and it's just carried on since I got better. The difference for me though OP is that my DH doesn't begrudge me spending 'his' money. He knows it's 'our' money and he's just the one currently managing it. I know he also worries about me being happy with our set up because he doesn't want me to feel like I'm being controlled.

Financial abuse like many types of abuse is insidious; it creeps up on people over a long period of time. I would also think OP that your man's controlling behaviours has ramped up over time also.

I guess that he is quite plausible to those in the outside world but reserves all his hate for you behind closed doors. I would also think that he would try and threaten you with he wanting full custody of the children or some other such guff if you were to leave. Men like this do not let go of their victims (the plural is deliberate; your children are learning from all this as well) at all easily.

Womens Aid can and will help you here. You need to get away from him; this is no marriage at all. He really has you in a cage of his own paranoid making. He will never give you any sort of freedom.

Not sure you're familiar with it, but it falls under financial abuse.

What do you want to happen?
Do you realise that all income is family money, not his, and that you have as much right to scrutinise his expenditure as he does yours?

I agree with Atilla in that it's not likely that he'll change and you are probably better leaving him.
However, you may not be quite ready yet. In which case I'd point out that money belongs to both of you, demand full disclosure of his earnings and expenditure (to match his scrutiny), and make a calculation of how much it would cost both of you for you to work in childcare, travel, house cleaning, etc. That's your contribution to the household. It doesn't have to be that direct. All it takes is for you to decide to return to work and start working on the practicalities, including him having to take responsibility for the children too.
Meanwhile, always put on the table that you can leave at any point if you don't think you're treated fairly.

But, a word of caution, pushing it might lead to him holding assets, so I'd try to get as much evidence as possible of his savings and sources of income. Should you split, there are forensic accountants that could help, though.

See how he reacts and make your decision based in that. Just because sometimes it's easy to fall into a pattern and not realise it. If he is a good guy, he should take stock and change willingly. If he keeps resisting, then you know you have an abusive twat at home.

He sounds horrible :(

I just don't get couples 'owing' each their money. I know a married couple who pester each other for the smallest amounts of money owed - they'll never just buy each other a drink in the pub, the one who didn't buy the round will owe the buyer the money for the drink. It's so stingy and I wouldn't even do that to a friend let alone my spouse! Stinginess is such an unattractive trait. Just buy the one you love a drink goddammit.

I'm a SAHM and we hold some savings in just my name for my own protection - DH's idea and I didn't earn any of that money. Because he cares about my future and trusts me not to run off and start a new life taking savings with me

I would be offended if DH suggested he gives me an allowance like I'm not trustworthy or responsible enough to manage money.

I guess I have an allowance that is for everything to do with the children, food and whatever I might need. Dh has one for his lunches, travel and whatever he wants. However, I am the one who decides how much this is, does the budgeting whilst all 'big' spending is jointly decided. That's because Dh is way too busy and not very organised.

Firstly you ought to know what your dh's income is and what all the household expenses are. Secondly you should decide together how you split what's left, some people pool it 50/50 some people put some I to savings, might support a parent etc.

The other thing is it sounds like the amount he's giving you isn't enough, are you able to buy yourself cloths, have your hair done etc?

If he's difficult about all of this you may be being financially abused, have a Google.

I get an 'allowance' but regard it as money to spend on whatever I want. But I also have full access to 'DH's' money in the form of supplementary credit cards that I use mainly for food/kids/house but also for things for me, for example gym membership/classes/sometimes clothes. In the ten years since I became SAHM, how/on what I spend hasn't been questioned (though there has been a raised eyebrow at the cost of one or two things I admit ). We would discuss any significant purchase (I guess £500+) we were considering before going ahead.

Funnily enough, although I earn a good wage, DH does give me an "allowance"by standing order each month, simply because I pay all the bills, buy all the DC's clothes and do all the food shopping out of my account - we started when I was on maternity leave and just kept it that way.

However the OP's husband sounds appalling and she should listen to some of the wise words on this thread.

No I get a salary . Cam highly recommend it.

Oh god...I'm turning into xenia, sorry

I don't think it's cut and dried. We have always had separate (independent) bank accounts. DH earns a great deal more than I do. He has paid all the bills since we bought our first joint home and started trying for a baby. I don't know exactly what his savings are and he doesn't exactly know what mine are.

When I was a SAHM (and I was lucky because I had some money of mine) I just bought what we needed. I used to put every receipt in a box and at the end of the month I gave him an account and he wrote a cheque. In some ways I can see that might have been controlling because I did account for every penny. He never asked for that but I think he liked it and it worked for us. However, he never once questioned anything I ever bought except once when I ordered plantation shutters for the front of the house without consultation but it wasn't a biggie and I just pointed out all the things he did without consultation.

When I went back to work I sat down and looked through those spending records and worked out what I spent on food and children's essentials and asked for a monthly allowance. He didn't quibble or murmur but does occasionally say something like "I've no idea how much money you spend now and what it goes on". And I take absolutely no notice of him.

But, having said all of that he was brought up in a very mean household and I can imagine him grumbling over something like the video if the money came from one of his bank accounts. He would have a real issue about something like that. He also likes to count every penny and worries about the price of petrol (he has no need to do this) and would never ever agree to something like a Club Penguin subscription coming from his account and he really wouldn't cope with the children's mobile phone subscriptions. His parents were very much of the half each mentality to a ridiculous extreme. At heart he is very generous but he will pick and stress over silly amounts of money but it's about nurture rather than his nature and I make allowances and tell him not to be silly and he accepts it eventually.

What I'm trying to say is if he is underneath it all a good guy and can see that he has some funny attitudes himself and doesn't impose his habits around money on you to an extent it bothers you then fine. If he's being purposefully controlling and nasty and could help it if he realised and doesn't want to not fine.

Ugh poor you :( your husband sounds unkind.

I am hoping to get an allowance, I've just opened a bank account after being named on his for the last 10 years. Like you say - I'd like to know how much I've got to spend rather than asking everytime I want something.

But I hope he won't treat me like that.

I don't think it's the allowance that is the problem, it's your husband treating you like a child. Is he often like this?

OP, your husband is financially and emotionally abusive. Please contact Women's Aid for advice and support.

Do you have a close family member or friend who you could talk to? It would be great to know that you have some real life support as well.

You could also post in the relationships section as there are lots of wise people with experience of abusive relationships who post there.

Omfg.

I recommend getting your own salary too.

He sounds awful.

My DH works full time, I am SAHM to two DCs (one isn't DHs) and I have full access to the joint account. The child benefit goes into my own account, however all the money is our money.

All the bills come out of the money. Clothes, shoes, hair cuts etc are all seen as bills, and I budget our money accordingly. Some months we have a little left over, so we split it, and each get a few quid to spend on ourselves purely on treats.

We never "owe" each other. And most importantly, he never holds it over me. Even in the heat of an argument, he would never mention money or the fact that he works and I don't. He pays more towards bringing up my eldest than her father does, and never moans about that either.

DH does most of the cleaning, and does bedtime every night. He is very hands on with the DCs and we both make sure the other gets a break every now and again.

My point is, that yes, the money is definitely an issue in your relationship, and he is using it as a control over you, but more than that, you are not a team. You are not respected for the role you play within the family. He reprimands you for spending £4 on his kids. If you hired a live in nanny for the "allowance" he gives you (no one would work for that little I suspect) and walked out, would he even notice you were gone? As long as someone is looking after his kids, does he care who?

(Sorry just realised this is Relationships! So please ignore that!)

Yes Dirty I did. I was very independent before I married at 29. Did lots of travelling. Always supported myself. I can't understand either sSd but sometimes he's Mr nice which makes you feel guilty about thinking about the rest.

That sounds awful. Back when I was a SAHM I guess I technically had an allowance as exH would transfer a certain amount to my account every month just for me, which I spent on clothes, activities with the kids etc, but I also had full access to the joint account which we used to buy food.

He was very controlling about money in other ways though and grew to be hugely resentful of me spending 'his' money, while he would happily spend hundreds of pounds on a new gadget without telling me. It was a major factor in us splitting up.

I'm a SAHM and we have a joint account. DH has no idea how much I spend on myself and the children as I manage our finances completely (he doesn't have time or the inclination!). We run big purchases past each other.

but sometimes he's Mr nice which makes you feel guilty about thinking about the rest.

That is typical of abuse. Nobody is 100% abusive, or they wouldn't end up in a relationship.

The main thing is whether you can live with the bad bits. That should be your bench mark, not the nice ones. Because nice should be the rule, not the exception.

"sometimes he's Mr nice"

Of course they're nice sometimes, you wouldn't stay otherwise would you?! It's part of the cycle of abuse. Making you feel obligation, guilt - they're not so bad really and it's all your fault.

Please find that independent woman again, she is still in there!

PS, I never have my hair done!! I like looking as if I try and do that however I can. I usually trim my own hair. I'd feel guilty sending £30 on my hair!! I don't go out and can't do any hobbies etc as always with the kids. I used to play in orchestras and do lots of music. I've not done any f that since I met him.
I don't friends here really, just a few mums a school I talk to and my family lives 4 hours away at best.
I'm thinking very hard here. I'll read all your answers to give me some output from the outside. Thank you.

Output from the outside?!
Input from the outside!!

How old are your dcs and how long has it been since you worked?