Do you get an 'allowance'?

[Mylastname80]

And how do you feel about it?
I'm a SAHM and H has always given me an 'allowance' every month for clothes, food ect. We've never had joint accounts. I like the fact I know exactly what I have each month but sometimes can't help feeling a bit patronised.
There are lots of other issues but yesterday my husband had a go at me for using the prime TV account (from his bank account) to buy the kids a DVD to watch (£4) He's now changed h's password to reprimand me!!

Every so often he'll have a dig. We have 3 young children and I hardly ever buy stuff for myself. If I do it's an ebay item or charity shop. We were on holiday this summer for a week and he kept on about me buying all the stuff as he didn't have any money left.
I do use ebay to sell stuff too and he makes fun of me for that.

We are in no way hard up. He has a very well paid job in central London and he also owns other property ect.
Sometimes I feel like a small child and him the parent.

I think getting real life support is crucial. But as well as doing that, you also need to do a few practical things. Find out as much as you can about the finances (do it secretly while he's out at work). Try and find out whose house the name is in, how much he earns, etc. Knowledge is power and what you find out will inform your next steps. If you don't have your own bank account you should open one (but don't let him have access to it - don't even tell him about it). If you can, get a job so you have your own money coming in, even if it's not much it will help you.

You have had some great responses, but yes it is completely off.

DH and I have separate accounts, always have had, more for convenience reasons which I won't go into - but we share all money as a family. I have had long periods off work for maternity, etc and he is currently unemployed. It never occurred to either of us to give each other allowances. We discuss what we spend as a family and if we want to buy things for the kids we just go ahead.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.

What does he actually add to your life OP?

It's time to Emma, I think she might be able to help.Capri, I know my thinking is completely messed up right now. I do need to think for myself. You are right.

He sounds awful OP. ???? could you join some type of women's group where you can discuss your situation and see how badly you are being treated and how you can establish some equality?

Excuse me but sliceofsoup your post says your husband works full time while you are at home with the children, and does most of the cleaning?

Is that right? Sorry to interrupt, but why does he do that? I mean, is there a reason that he doesn't mind doing that (like you have triplets or a disability, or does he do short hours?) or is he just a Very Nice Man, and doesn't mind?

Or did I misunderstand?

You didn't need to understand. Nor do I need to explain.

He is a Very Nice Man, but only compared to tossers like the OPs husband. Generally he is just A Normal Man. :)

That's a horrible way to live. It's supposed to be a division of labour, not breadwinner as controlling authority. In fact I've always thought it would be very stupid to piss off the person who prepares your food.

How old are the kids and how do you feel about working?

You shouldn't be treated like a child for doing your share of the labour division, especially since you don't get paid for it and he probably expects you to work round the clock. And what sort of git punishes his wife as if she were a child for spending a few quid they can well afford on the kids? This is not love.

When my DH was working and I was at home he did most of the shopping and most of the cooking.

Just normal tbh.

We have a had a joint account since we got married but I have always had my own account for 'frivolous' personal spending- mostly clothes and 'days out' with friends or my DDs . The Child Benefit used to go into it . Now I have a lump sum every six months .DH has never bothered as he does all our finances, and just spends (not much) from the joint account:I trust him implicitly and rarely look at it . Ditto our savings.
But I also spend quite freely from our joint account, ( I have my own 'rules' about what comes from where!) usually on the credit card, though I would always discuss if spending more than about £75 . In 33 years he has never queried my spending and we have never argued about money , possibly because I (we)am very responsible in my attitude to it . We are better off now in retirement than we have ever been and mI find it quite hard to get used to the idea that I can, within reason, buy most things .. Whoever earnt it (and it has varied over the years) and however little/much it has been (again that has varied) it is joint, family money and childcare also always came out of it . It was never solely my responsibility because I went back to work .
I can't imagine operating any other way , though I do have friends who keep their affairs very separate.
Yes, he is controlling you OP . You need to address it before it becomes too entrenched a part of your lives

Emma, I know roughly what he earns 70k odd but I think he has bonds and has another property he rents out. If my name is not on the house does that mean it won't be shared out?
Yes Ketchup, just stress really! He married in late 30's and so had been earning well before our family came into it. I honestly do not know what's in his bank account.

sliceofsoup he sounds lovely, sorry if I sounded rude.. Just interested in how others in my situation get on. Of course you needn't explain anything I just thought he sounded too good to be true and had to double check!

Sorry op for interrupting. Good luck to you

"If my name is not on the house does that mean it won't be shared out?"
I suppose it depends which country you live in. In the UK, you would be entitled to half the marital assets (ie everything that he and you own) but I don't know how it works elsewhere.
Are there organisations like Women's Aid or Citizens Advice Bureau where you are?? If so you could contact them.

caprini thanks for that; I'm not sure what's "normal" I have quite a small world so I can't help but nose!

That's ok play and slice. Its good to hear what everyone else thinks is normal!

Well Play, I will say this. There is a lot to running a household, not just cleaning, and I think that maybe reading "he does most of the cleaning" can get translated into "he does most of the housework".

I do all the washing, shopping, cooking and obviously childcare- school runs, activities etc. I do try to keep the place tidy, but he does the majority of the cleaning.

Do you want to swop sliceofsoup?

Mylastname, I'm assuming you are in the UK as your family are 4 hours away (or is that by plane?). If yes, the fact your name isn't on the deeds won't be important - although you could do with a solicitor's appointment to clarify your position (which could be tricky when the purse strings are tied so tightly).

I know roughly what he earns 70k odd but I think he has bonds and has another property he rents out

Op - so you don't really know your family financial situation do you? it's being kept from you and that is not a relationship of equals, which marriage is supposed to be.

Admit it or not you are being controlled.

:o No thanks Mylastname, I like the one I have too much.

How can you not know whether your name is on the house deeds. When you bought it, did you not go and sign the contract together? If you didn't I suspect you aren't on the title deeds. If you can't actually ask your husband about it, then really this does not sound like a healthy relationship.

If you do nothing else OP can I please ask that you make sure you are using really reliable contraception and don't get trapped further by another baby. Three children of six, four and two are more than enough to deal with in your circumstances.

There will be many on here who think £70k is small fortune. If you are in the South East and is your only income, then really it isn't. It's that awful level that means you don't get a penny of tax credit or child benefit and takes a lot of stretching when all the costs of running a home and three children are added up. I imagine things are genuinely quite tight financially for your household.

Yes tricot I am in the UK. I don't DrMorbius. Most of his finacial would be on his pc and I have no access to that whatsoever.

I have a salary too, and dh is a SAHP. Our budget is a wondrous thing of beauty all worked out between us with lumps of money moving between different accounts. Over the years I have taken over more control of the money as he finds it hugely, hugely stressful but I never forget that because he does all the childcare, I am free to work and a huge lump of family money that would otherwise go on childcare doesn't. We work out how to pay the bills and pay money into our joint account to do that, and then the leftovers stay in our individual accounts for us to do as we like with.

It is very noticeable, however, that dh has become less likely to spend money on himself because he doesn't directly earn it. It is very easy as a SAHP to start feeling less power in the relationship because of the money. That's why I would say don't rush to start earning a salary, that's not the issue - both of you need to see that you ARE working and that allows the money to be earned, so it is a joint income stream. Unless that insight happens, you will try to pay for yourself and the kids out of what initially is likely to be a small income and you will actually be WORSE off. I've been in a situation slightly like that and it's much worse than being boracic as a team.

Discussions based on you potentially going back to work and having to pay for childcare - get real prices from local nurseries - might cause this insight to happen, you never know.

Yes, I did assume housework soup
I sometimes feel hard-done-by reading posts here (I'm new) then other times i feel very lucky indeed.

Like you say, there is a lot to running a household; so, although I do all the housework, shopping, cooking and childcare, I've never had to open a bill or renew the insurance or mend broken furniture, or make tricky decisions or install software and all sorts of other things i probably don't even know need doing

He is emotionally and financially abusive. His behaviour is very controlling. Cutting your own hair - I am speechless. Please keep talking.

Beaufort, I can't remember the situation around it now. I need to think but I'm pretty sure I didn't sign anything. I know it sounds stupid but honestly I can't be sure exactly how it went.