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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you get an 'allowance'?

150 replies

Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 08:43

And how do you feel about it?
I'm a SAHM and H has always given me an 'allowance' every month for clothes, food ect. We've never had joint accounts. I like the fact I know exactly what I have each month but sometimes can't help feeling a bit patronised.
There are lots of other issues but yesterday my husband had a go at me for using the prime TV account (from his bank account) to buy the kids a DVD to watch (£4) He's now changed h's password to reprimand me!!

Every so often he'll have a dig. We have 3 young children and I hardly ever buy stuff for myself. If I do it's an ebay item or charity shop. We were on holiday this summer for a week and he kept on about me buying all the stuff as he didn't have any money left.
I do use ebay to sell stuff too and he makes fun of me for that.

We are in no way hard up. He has a very well paid job in central London and he also owns other property ect.
Sometimes I feel like a small child and him the parent.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 10:46

In fact I feel like an idiot not knowing

OP posts:

sliceofsoup · 31/08/2015 10:47

What kind of decisions aren't you making Play?

annandale · 31/08/2015 10:48

How about feeling angry because he hasn't taken the time to check that you know what your situation is?

Do you have wills? This might be a way to open the conversation as you MUST have them with children.

sliceofsoup · 31/08/2015 10:50

In fact I feel like an idiot not knowing

Please don't feel like an idiot. This situation has been created very cleverly by your husband, so that you didn't realise it was happening. The only thing you did was trust the man who vowed to love cherish and protect you. The rest has been his doing. It doesn't make you an idiot.

NameChange30 · 31/08/2015 10:56

"you could do with a solicitor's appointment to clarify your position (which could be tricky when the purse strings are tied so tightly)."

You can get free legal advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau. Through Women's Aid you may be able to get free or low cost legal representation. And last but not least, most solicitors offer a free initial consultation. So you can and should get at least some advice for free.

I misread a post OP, and thought you weren't in the UK, but as you are that's good news as there are organisations that can help you.

andsoimback · 31/08/2015 10:57

Op, I know you call him "h" but are you married? I agree with ssd, you need your own income. He's not going to change and you need to be able to support yourself as one day in the future you're bound to need to and he won't be sharing his assets with you.

NameChange30 · 31/08/2015 11:02

andso yes they are married, the OP mentioned marrying him at 29 (at which point she was much more independent than she is now)

OP you said that you don't know what "normal" is, I think that in itself is normal for someone who has been in an abusive relationship for as long as you have. This post might help: www.mumsnet.com/relationships/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship

andsoimback · 31/08/2015 11:04

Playnicely , sorry if I've misunderstood but do you see it as a good thing you've never had to open a bill?

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 31/08/2015 11:09

There you go slice! I don't even know! I suppose mortgage rates is one I've never had to think about

BeaufortBelle · 31/08/2015 11:10

Mylastname I am so sorry. It wasn't my intention to make you feel an idiot at all. It sounds as though you have been cleverly manipulated to reach a position that is far from transparent and intentionally so.

Where are your family in all this? What do they think and know? Can you look into some sort of assertiveness training? Do you actually want to continue living with him? Do you love him?

Your eldest will go back to school next week. Can you start by setting up your own networks. Start slowly but make yourself do one thing at a time and add to your repertoire. Join the PTA, go on the tea and coffee rota at playgroup, get to know people quietly so you have a life outside of the home and can build up some self esteem that way. After Christmas join a book club. Those little steps that a build an independent life and stop you from being insular and thinking his way is right or normal.

NameChange30 · 31/08/2015 11:19

Beaufort surely the reason the OP doesn't have her own hobbies and networks is that her husband makes it extremely difficult for her to do so? So with respect I really don't see how your suggestion is going to help. I think it's probably too little too late tbh. And if the OP is able to stay with him but make a move towards independence, I think that move should be to get a job. But he is probably going to resist that tooth and nail.

NoMoreRenting · 31/08/2015 11:20

Op, you are an abused wife. You need to get some advice on how to proceed from here.
How can the house just be in his name? And how can you not know for sure?

He is abusive and controlling and is this really the role model you want for your DCs?
For the life of me I cannot understand how women get into these situations. People are saying it creeps up but surely the first time there's a hint you're out of there. Surely nobody agrees to say without full access to the household pot?
He say, 'the house needs to be in my name as only I earn' you say 'I don't think so.' He says, 'why don't you sah and I'll give you a generous allowance to cover all you need' you say 'I don't think so.'
How does it creep up? First smack, you leave that afternoon. First hint of controlling behaviour, you leave that afternoon.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 31/08/2015 11:30

I've been reading this thread and found it very sad and also interesting. Please don't feel stupid OP, I am in the same position in lots of ways, 3 kids, not named on the mortgage, same salary, same ignorance of finances.
The big difference is my husband is kind and doesn't treat me like dirt, but just so you know, it could be me in your position, you aren't especially stupid, Your husband is just very unkind. I know how easily it could happen. It a fine line I think. I wish I could be of more use, good thing you posted.

NoMoreRenting · 31/08/2015 11:41

Playnicely, why aren't you named on the house? I'm asking genuinely as I'm baffled how people get into these situations.

I was a sahm for many years. No way would I have considered it had we not had joint finances. Mind you, dh feels exactly the same. He's always baffled at why anyone would want to faff around with allowances and the like. He also sees it as his children so I spend what I need. Plus he was always aware that I had temporarily sacrificed my career to bring up his children and he was saving a fortune in childcare because of it.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 31/08/2015 11:54

nomorerenting there is a good reason in our case, you and I are not at all similar, I was 20 when we married, and never planned to work, didn't have qualifications, so there was no career that might've been.
I inherited after our first was born and that was partly used as a Deposit on the house we bought, originally I was going to be on the deeds and there was some faff about it from the solicitor dealing with the will, but it went through. I turned out that because I wasn't working and hadn't been for a while the mortgage deal was a lot better with only my husbands name on it.

I know it is risky on paper, and there is a degree of trust.. I wouldn't recommend it generally. But I've never for a moment been worried, and I am thirties now with three children. I know I'd have few rights by law, but then isn't marriage all about trust?

LieselVonTwat · 31/08/2015 12:04

If you're married you don't have to be named on the house to be entitled to a share of any assets in the event of divorce.

OP, this isn't normal. I really would think hard about your options for getting back to work. He seems to have done a great job of isolating you.

NoMoreRenting · 31/08/2015 12:04

I appreciate you trust your husband and I'm sure he is trustworthy but why not move it across to joint names now?
It's not just worrying situation if he breached that trust but also if something happened to him. What if he had an accident that didn't kill him but left him in a coma? How would you access all your family funds? What if he was alive but sadly in a pvs? And you for whatever reason needed to move? You couldn't sell the house or realise assets. It's as much for your children's protection as your own. I think you should do it now. And on the slim chance that he did leave you got someone else then you'd be really stuck with no money, no job, no assets. You need to protect yourself and your children.

DrMorbius · 31/08/2015 12:09

Op - I don't have a clue about our family finances (DW is an accountant) but that is out of shear laziness. There is no phone, computer etc in our home that both of us do not have access to (all our passwords are open). That's what equal's do.

sliceofsoup · 31/08/2015 12:21

How does it creep up?

It isn't so much about it creeping up and more about the woman's background, and also wider society.

Men treat women badly and for so long all we hear is "well that's typical men for you" or something equally dismissive. MN is a skewed sample, but in my daily life I still hear this shit.

I grew up in a household where my father was and still is, waited on hand and foot. I was determined that I wouldn't end up the same, and STILL fell into an abusive relationship. It was a wake up call and I got out and refused to settle for anything less than normal respect, and a man who wascapable of normal functions. Thankfully I found my DH, but I was prepared to raise my eldest alone.

Play re the mortgage, I am in no way qualified to advise on that as I have no clue, but I know of a girl who had some defaults on her credit rating, which made her being on the mortgage impossible, so her husband is the only one on the mortgage. But they had something drawn up by a solicitor to account for her contribution to the deposit, and to the monthly payments. That was before they got married though, maybe the protection of marriage is similar. Either way, you really really should take a look at that!

As for other decisions, you seem to feel that it is a good thing you don't have to deal with this stuff, but isn't there anything you wish you had a say in?

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 31/08/2015 12:40

Soup I'll mention re the house, but I know he would've accounted for all possible worst case scenarios, he is just that type, really organised and super efficient in all ways, I know he will have it covered.

No, there is nothing I'm even interested in knowing. I just know he will be. doing the best thing for us all so it doesn't cross my mind. Unlike op

MrsBuel · 31/08/2015 13:32

Very draconian. If you're married the money belongs to both of you. I'd tell him where to shove his allowance personally.

BeaufortBelle · 31/08/2015 13:40

These people who say they know their DH's would have things covered if anything happened to them. How do you know? Also for women who don't work and only receive an "allowance" or "housekeeping" what would you do if your DH did drop dead and you had no access to any money because it was in his name and his assets were frozen because the bank/building society, etc.., had been notified of the death.

One of the reasons I trust my DH implicitly is because he has told me where every relevant document is, where the key to the cabinet is, has a list of investments and contact details in the cabinet, etc.. I haven't a clue what he earned last year or how much he has overall and don't feel the need to but if I were to open up that cabinet I would find out very quickly and he wouldn't mind.

Caprinihahahaha · 31/08/2015 14:48

I know my husband has everything covered because I have access to every account, every penny, every single thing we own.

My dad died. My mother didn't know anything about their money. It took my siblings and I months of trying to dissect their accounts and cards and finances.
We were grieving, my mother was grieving but, instead of taking time to miss him I spent months, hours on the phone and writing letters to stop my mum getting financial demands because we didn't know how to pay things.
She had no idea they were in debt. It was a fucking nightmare for all of us.

They both used to happily assure us that he had everything covered. He was a loving husband. He just had no idea what a bloody nightmare unpicking someone's finances are when the only person who knows the passwords etc has died.

Original poster

Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 15:11

Thank you everyone for this brilliant insight. Beau, I know you didn't mean anything wrong by that. You are totally right. I need to face up to my situation. And I really could do with lessons in assertiveness. I've let myself slip away, I don't know really who I am anymore apart from mum to 3 children (whom I love dearly of course). Emotionally I'm pretty numb tbh. I guess I've buried my head in the sand looking after the kids.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 31/08/2015 15:19

Take care of yourself OP, this must be a difficult realisation. Try not to be too hard on yourself. This is not your fault. Now you're realising it's not ok, you have an opportunity to change your life for the better. It will take strength but I know you can do it. And you will feel like your old self again when you do.

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