Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Do you get an 'allowance'?

150 replies

Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 08:43

And how do you feel about it?
I'm a SAHM and H has always given me an 'allowance' every month for clothes, food ect. We've never had joint accounts. I like the fact I know exactly what I have each month but sometimes can't help feeling a bit patronised.
There are lots of other issues but yesterday my husband had a go at me for using the prime TV account (from his bank account) to buy the kids a DVD to watch (£4) He's now changed h's password to reprimand me!!

Every so often he'll have a dig. We have 3 young children and I hardly ever buy stuff for myself. If I do it's an ebay item or charity shop. We were on holiday this summer for a week and he kept on about me buying all the stuff as he didn't have any money left.
I do use ebay to sell stuff too and he makes fun of me for that.

We are in no way hard up. He has a very well paid job in central London and he also owns other property ect.
Sometimes I feel like a small child and him the parent.

OP posts:

Lweji · 31/08/2015 15:27

It's probably easier for independent people to fall in this situation, because you don't see it natural to ask for money for you. You are used to earn it.
But when you become a SAHM, you lose that earning power and most settings, where you had separate accounts and finances, are maintained. It's easy for a financially controlling person (who didn't come across it like that at the beginning) to become abusive.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 31/08/2015 16:39

I know my husband has everything covered because I have access to every account, every penny, every single thing we own.

Ditto

ssd · 31/08/2015 17:00

Lweji, I don't need you pm'ing me and asking me what the op should do, thanks very much.

Lweji · 31/08/2015 17:03

Didn't want to derail the thread, but here it is:
Maybe you should research about abuse and read posts from people who know how some women end up putting up with this kind of crap, then?
And actually help those who have been trapped to leave instead of posting damaging comments? It's not her fault. It's his. What do you suggest she does?

CathJames · 31/08/2015 17:10

If my husband even dared to mention the word allowance to me (he would never!) then he'd be in for a telling off. Yes he earns the money but i gave up my career to be a sahm (ultimately my own choice) so if he wants me to continue to do all that I do, and believe me that list is endless, he wouldn't ever dictate how much money I was "allowed" for this and that each week. As it stands we know to the penny what we have coming in each month, we know how much all our bills amount to and the rest is for shopping and to do whatever we like with. Obviously we discuss larger purchases before making them but that is just common courtesy.

ssd · 31/08/2015 17:18

fine, Lweji

you say "It's not her fault. It's his"

I dont see it that way, the op has to take some responsibility for ending up in this position, its not all a one way street, this wasn't all her dh's doing, she gradually accepted things and is now here wondering what she can do about it

once she accepts she is partly to blame for this situation, then she can decide what she wants to do from here on in

saying "It's not her fault. It's his", is as damaging to her as anything I've said earlier.

NoMoreRenting · 31/08/2015 17:19

Lweji, I was independent. I earned my own money but as we were married then all our finances were joint anyway. And even if it had been separate, it would have been made joint before I gave up work to sah. Of course it would.

Lweji · 31/08/2015 17:25

Just don't underestimate how manipulative abusers can be. Just consider yourselves lucky you haven't been in the OP's position.

She could have woken up earlier or insisted earlier on knowing about the financial side. Sure. But it's still on him that he chooses to act in this controlling way. Good men (and women) don't do it.

NoMoreRenting · 31/08/2015 17:26

The op is already in an abusive situation so it's of no use to her but I just don't understand how women allow themselves to get in such a mess with a nasty abudive controlling dick. I have a massive amount of sympathy for the OP and I hope she manages to get out and be happy. But I'm struggling with empathy here.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 31/08/2015 17:27

caprini

Sorry to hear that, it sounds like a nightmare. I will show my husband and ask.. It's never crossed my mind actually, I just assume he takes care of all that because it's the sort of thing he would have a plan for. But perhaps not

ssd · 31/08/2015 17:30

wayyy too simple Lweji, good men and women don't exist, we are all far too complicated to be good or bad....if only it were that simple.... and I don't consider myself lucky not to have been in this position at all, same as I don't consider myself unlucky when I was in that position.

as I said before, once the op realised she is part of this problem, then she can take measures to change things for the better.

Original poster

Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 17:33

Trust me sad, I feel awful about the whole thing. I feel bad about coming on here too to express my feelings and talk behind his back. I chose to get married, we had kids, I've shut up and put up for way too long and I've become impartial to what s happening. So if I am taking half the blame and realising I'm far from perfect does that mean I should stay here and shoulder it for the years to come. I don't have have much self worth left tbh but the little I do have says that the stress of being here is destroying me and that I can't do it much longer.

OP posts:

LieselVonTwat · 31/08/2015 17:42

No, that's not what it means at all.

Patchworkpatty · 31/08/2015 18:44

OP I think you need some practical advice to know where you stand before asserting yourself with your 'd'h. You mention in your first post that he 'owns' other property as well as your home. Unless this other property was bought and paid for (no mortgage or remortgage) before you were married, then that too is a marital asset. You can find this out if you don't already know by applying for a 'search' on the Land Registry website. The results will show you who has a charge on the property and when the mortgage was taken out/paid off and the name of the person on the deeds if owned outright. With this information and any other you can glean from around the house, book yourself a free 30 minute consultation with a solicitor specialising in family law. (Do try and find one by recommendation if you can) you will then know what you can expect if you decide to divorce and will get you off the back foot with any discussions you have about money going forward.

Lweji · 31/08/2015 19:43

as I said before, once the op realised she is part of this problem, then she can take measures to change things for the better.

She can now, that she is starting to realise she is being abused.
Which is why your first post was really unhelpful. Still can't see the point of it.

Lweji · 31/08/2015 19:48

Most people tend to believe that their partners want the best for them, and act accordingly. You may have been far too trusting, particularly if you were not aware of this type of abuse, but it looks like you have reached a point when you are strongly reacting to it.
Yes, you should get out. It's never too late to get out, regardless of how much you contributed or not to the current situation. You should plan for it and be smart about it. Realise that he is not on your side, and most likely he will try his best to screw you financially when you leave.

BeaufortBelle · 31/08/2015 20:13

Come now perhaps we should all be batting for the OP as a fellow woman and on our team.

It's OK OP, sometimes life deals shit cards, sometimes we don't realise them for what they are, sometimes we need a bit of support to pick ourselves up and ensure we get what we need and what we want and what we actually as decent women are entitled to and deserve. You deserve a whole lot more than you are getting at the moment.

Either you put your foot down and make sure you get a much better life with him or you grasp the nettle and capture a better life without him. Whatever you do you are entitled to happiness, a feeling of self worth and a home life that isn't an egg shelly battle ground.

My parents hated each other - I loved them both dearly - neither was hugely wrong in any way but they were very wrong for each other. Your children deserve to live in a happy home and you deserve to be able to buy them a four quid video whenever you fancy providing you've got four quid and you should always have four quid in your purse that you don't have to flipping well account for unless the chips are down and the bailiffs are on their way.

ssd · 31/08/2015 20:13

op, none of us are perfect and we've all done things we wish we hadn't, its really hard facing up to life when it goes wrong and try to find the emotional strength to improve things, please don' think for a minute I'm some expert with the perfect life here, far from it

but you do sound like you are realising things need to change, for your own sanity and emotional wellbeing, I wish you all the best in the future and hope things improve for you.

ssd · 31/08/2015 20:16

and of course you shouldn't feel you have to stay where you are and shoulder half the blame, there's no use blaming either yourself or your dh, that won't get you anywhere, but realising you can't go on as you are and trying to somehow change things seems like the first step for you

ssd · 31/08/2015 20:19

lweji, I can't see the point of some of your posts here but thats by the by, I dont want to keep replying to you, you didnt like my first post, so be it, lets leave it there..

Badders123 · 31/08/2015 20:24

It's a very good point about having to deal with it all when someone has died.
I was my dad's executor and I had to do it all alone. Dad left a will which made things easier but it was still pretty soul destroying.
I filled in the hmrc forms, phoned all the utilities, banksetc
It was awful.
Mum has said more than once she would hhave been totally lost without help.
I know where all the important paperwork is. I know all the passwords, accounts etc
Make sure you both have copies of important documents like wills etc
Being a sahm (I was one til very recently) makes you very financially vulnerable.
You need to protect yourself.

ImperialBlether · 31/08/2015 20:30

It seems to me that you're living a kind of half-life at the moment and that only leaving him will allow you to lead a full life again. It's particularly sad because you were so free in the past and you can see how caged you are now.

I couldn't live like that. I really couldn't. It sounds as though your children wouldn't be traumatised by a separation. You and they would be much, much better off financially if you separated.

If you were my daughter I'd be really worried about you. I would know why you were asking for money, even though he has plenty. I'd be distraught about you not playing music any more; I can only imagine how much you loved playing in an orchestra.

Would it be possible for you to live near your family, even though it is a long way away? Would you get support there?

BeaufortBelle · 31/08/2015 20:45

I agree Imperial. I'm probably just old enough to be your mum and I have my own nearly grown daughter and if you were mine and I knew about this I'd be backing you up all the,way. In fact I'd be in a hotel round the corner now with my cheque book ready to take you to a solicitor tomorrow.

Have you got real life folks and support OP. I hope so x

NameChange30 · 01/09/2015 00:57

I think blaming the OP for being in this situation is unhelpful and downright cruel.
If you can't empathise and be supportive then don't post on the thread.

kittybiscuits · 01/09/2015 01:17

Amen to that Emma - 100%

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6