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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you get an 'allowance'?

150 replies

Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 08:43

And how do you feel about it?
I'm a SAHM and H has always given me an 'allowance' every month for clothes, food ect. We've never had joint accounts. I like the fact I know exactly what I have each month but sometimes can't help feeling a bit patronised.
There are lots of other issues but yesterday my husband had a go at me for using the prime TV account (from his bank account) to buy the kids a DVD to watch (£4) He's now changed h's password to reprimand me!!

Every so often he'll have a dig. We have 3 young children and I hardly ever buy stuff for myself. If I do it's an ebay item or charity shop. We were on holiday this summer for a week and he kept on about me buying all the stuff as he didn't have any money left.
I do use ebay to sell stuff too and he makes fun of me for that.

We are in no way hard up. He has a very well paid job in central London and he also owns other property ect.
Sometimes I feel like a small child and him the parent.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2015 09:46

Abusers can be nice sometimes; if they were awful all the time no woman would want to be with them. The nice/nasty cycle they operate is a continuous one.

I think you were targeted by him OP: he saw in you a strong, independent woman (with perhaps chinks in her own self worth) to exploit and further take down to his base level.

LL0015 · 31/08/2015 09:48

OP I think you just started on a journey of discovery on your life.
Take your time and go slow. Mumsnet has a habit of giving you the stark glaring facts very quickly as lots of MNetters have been through the same.
Sometimes such a rude awakening is a shock.
But MN will hold your hand

BeaufortBelle · 31/08/2015 09:49

What are your family finances like. It's one thing buying your stuff from the charity shop and not going to the hairdressers if you are down to brass tacks. It's quite another if there is money available for those things which actually (in spite of what some people say on here) are essentials and should be budgeted and allowed for.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 31/08/2015 09:51

Excuse me but sliceofsoup your post says your husband works full time while you are at home with the children, and does most of the cleaning?

Is that right? Sorry to interrupt, but why does he do that? I mean, is there a reason that he doesn't mind doing that (like you have triplets or a disability, or does he do short hours?) or is he just a Very Nice Man, and doesn't mind?

Or did I misunderstand?

bittapitta · 31/08/2015 09:51

You understand that "he earns it" because you are providing him with 24/7 childcare right? My DH understands that I "enable" him to work full time (which is what works for our family right now) and he provides respect and his share of childcare/housework too. That's what normal decent men do in this situation.

My point is the same as Doreen above, leave and you'd get a better deal!

NameChange30 · 31/08/2015 09:53

Playnicely, WHAT?! After everything the OP has said, you want to clarify the CLEANING situation?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Talk about missing the point.

Original poster
Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 09:54

Hamas, docs are 6,4,2 and probably about 6 years since last worked.
I do have a fairly low self esteem Attila but it's much lower now. I stress about pretty much everything at the moment. I'm very jittery around the house. He's not physical but theres a horrible feeling around when he's annoyed. He's never lashed out but can tell he's quietly seething. He makes horrible tutting noises all the time and doesn't talk!
I've had the silent treatment too for days on end for trivial things. I really need to open my eyes don't I? I don't understand why I'm always here in this situation wanting to go away and then it all calms down and is forgot to. about until the next time. I hate it.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 31/08/2015 09:54

Ok just re-read and I think I missed the point, sorry. You were asking someone else, not the OP.

sofato5miles · 31/08/2015 09:54

Where are you? Are you in the UK?

Can you start to upskill yourself surreptitiously? Are you from a culture than condones divorce? Why can't you leave the children with anyone?

Could you still, realistically, apply for a job (as in, are your skills still relevant?)

My DH earns 4x my salary. When i took 4 years off for our children, it was no issue what's so ever as everything is in a joint account and we have a money dashboard that sees us pay mortgages, pensions investments etc. We can both buy whatever we want, if there is money there after the budget.

Now, I'm back at work, I have to have my own bank account to receive my salary (company policy). I transfer 98% to our join account every month, only holding back the 2% so that i can finally buy him presents that are a surprise.

vvviola · 31/08/2015 09:54

When I was a part-time SAHM, part-time student, we started out with an allowance system. DH would transfer a certain amount each month and that would be for everything I needed to pay for over the month - groceries, doctor's visits, my transport, lunches etc.

After a while I began to find it really stressful and controlling, especially at the end of the month when I would have to decide whether I had enough money to buy myself a coffee with friends.

I had always had a very well paying job up until then.

I said it to DH, who was utterly mortified. The system was instantly changed: he got me a credit card on his account, and I was to use that for any "family" spending. He also transferred a small amount of money into my account for random stuff - things I couldn't use a credit card for, my own spending etc.

And that's the way it should be really. By doing my study part time, I was enabling him to work full time and progress. And he realised that having had years of my own money, it was unfair to treat me like a child.

I won't say he's perfect, by a long shot, but it's an equal partnership and the family money is the family money.

cathpip · 31/08/2015 09:54

I'm a sahm with three young dc and my dh works very long hours in a highly paid job that keeps him away from home 2/3 nights a week. Dh does all the financial side of things but the money he earns is our money and he has never questioned anything that I have spent from our joint account. Well apart from things over £150, I check that it's ok too spend that much first but then dh would also check with me first on a spend over £150 unless it was a large supermarket shop obviously!

Original poster
Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 09:54

Play, I can assure you, mu husband does not touch the cleaning!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 31/08/2015 09:55

(My last post, 09.54, was to Playnicely)

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 31/08/2015 09:56

beau just wanted to say I'm another one who shops in charity shops and has a food budget, despite not needing to anymore. Just because I got used to paying £3 for a pair of kids trousers, and when I look in next the prices frighten me!

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 31/08/2015 09:56

Who decided the amount of your "allowance"?

I have been a SAHM for 11 years, my sons are 12 and 9. We have joint accounts that the usual monthly direct debit go from. We also have a joint credit card which is paid every month by direct debit.

We have been together 19 years and there has always been a discrepancy with salaries, Dh earned twice as much as me when he graduated university (I have a degree but was a civil servant so never actually had a graduate job)

When we moved in together we worked out bills etc and then were both left with the same amount of money to fritter away on whatever we needed no questions asked.

Every year Dh compiles a spreadsheet (IT geek, oh how I love him) and we go through everything we have spent from mortgage, petrol, food, clothes, holidays, meals out etc etc. We work out if we want to cut anything back or if we are happy with it all. There are no accusations, no reprimands. Neither of us are children. All money earned by Dh is our money. The reason his career took off is because I was here to look after the children.

What is your husband's allowance and spends per month. I think you will find it is a lot more than you think.

Puffinella · 31/08/2015 09:57

I'm a SAHM. We've never had joint accounts (just never got round to merging them, really, but also I was (technically still am) self-employed, so it's easier when it comes to the tax return for them to be separate). DH gives me money each month for me to spend as I like. I also get the child benefit into my account as I'm more likely to have things to buy for DS. DH pays for everything else - bills, food etc. If I need/want more money I just ask him (though I never have, as he gives me more than I spend), and every few months he checks that he's giving me enough. He never questions any purchases (unless I buy something for the house that he thinks is hideous :)). Obviously I don't go nuts with the money, buy I know roughly what we have at any time, and plan accordingly.

OP, your situation does not sound normal. Please read the responses on this thread and think about them.

sofato5miles · 31/08/2015 09:57

Do you think, if your family finances were controlled, that you would be able to afford a hair cut?

Do you have any idea what your husband earns?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 31/08/2015 09:58

Is the house in both your names op, or just his?

NameChange30 · 31/08/2015 09:58

OP the more you tell us about your relationship and life, the more worrying it is Sad I'm sorry to hear things are so bad. You don't have to live like this! Please contact Women's Aid as I suggested in a previous post. And is there any way you could meet up with your family or at least talk to them on the phone in private? I'm sure they would bend over backwards to support you if they knew what was happening. If I was your friend or relative, I would!

Original poster
Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 10:01

Sofato, yes, he's actually of African origin (My English) but lived here most of my life. His reputation would be very damaged over a divorce. I'm also from a 'Christian' family but my mum would be understanding I know.

OP posts:
Caprinihahahaha · 31/08/2015 10:02

Your husband sounds awful but tbh you need to adjust your own thinking.
Why do you feel guilty about getting your hair cut? Why do you feel 'he earns it' -what is your time and effort worth? What are you modelling for your children when he buys himself computers and you cut your own hair? What are you teaching your children about how men and women are treated.

He is being a dick. Take your blinkers off and see that this 'oh I just give my own hair a trim' because he's mr nice sometimes is beyond wrong.
Try being angry about it.

Original poster
Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 10:02

The house is in his name. (I think!)

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 31/08/2015 10:04

"my mum would be understanding I know"
That's good, please do talk to her.
Don't worry about his reputation, that is NOT your problem. If it suffers he will have brought it on himself by being an abusive arsehole.

Original poster
Mylastname80 · 31/08/2015 10:04

I or he don't go to church or anything now though as he's quite against it all now. In that department I've adjusted my thinking too.

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 31/08/2015 10:07

Sorry play. Charity shops are fine if you want to buy from them or need to buy from them. No issues about that at all. I got the impression the OP would prefer to have a choice.

OP, what do you think he'd do if you put your foot down and said this is how I want it to be or if you just said in one of his silent phases something like "for goodness sake, be civil and behave normally if you want to be a part of this family".

We all have our ups and downs and the downs are fine if you can be honest with each other without fearing any sort of come back.