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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling uneasy about dp staying at his exes

366 replies

MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2015 23:35

Just that really, something in my gut tells me something is off.

For the first time in our nearly 4 yr relationship, dp is staying at his XW's house with his ds. He only mentioned this about an hour before going - that apparently he was going to stop on a camp bed in his sons room. This is because he hasn't really seen him this week (bit of a fib), ds's grandfather just died (a month ago) and funnily enough his XW is now single (over a month or so ago).

Since his XW became single, he has been seeing his son a lot more than the normal twice a week. Now I am totally fine with this, am very happy that he's got the chance to spend more time with his ds - but this is always at his XW house. DS used to visit here weekly and stay once every fortnight but I've not actually seen him really since June. I said that I felt like I was the one who was now single as I barely see DP or his DS lately - bearing in mind they live about a 15 min drive away.

When DP mentioned it - I didn't say anything straight away which he initially took for me being 'funny' about it. Which seems rather defensive bearing in mind I'd not said a word.

I keep going from not being bothered (I'm not one to get jealous, which DP has remarked on before now) to my gut telling me the total opposite.

This is on top of the fact that I told him that he's treating the place like a hotel lately, home for tea, back out again for hours and then back to sleep. This is making me mightly pissed off lately and this just seems to be tipping me over into thinking god knows what.

Not sure what I'm asking but feel it's going to be a long night!

OP posts:
amarmai · 06/09/2015 21:33

He's been disempowered by you exposing his secret life. He felt he was smarter than you when you did not know what he was up to. Then he got carried away by hubris and thought how great it would be to put a really big one over on you-by staying overnight at his ex's with the limpest of cover stories. You're getting a peek into the real him. Pay close attention- as this insight will enable you to get over any doubts you may have re doing what you did. Good work,op.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 06/09/2015 21:36

Am sure he will be telling his mates how awful I am. Wotevs as dd would say! Text messages weren't mentioned at all. He's also said nothing about the fact that I said I knew what had been going on lately- that was a fib but surely you would ask what I meant!
Thank you - this is helping me x

OP posts:
Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 06/09/2015 21:38

Flowers baconyum - glad he's your ex

OP posts:
OneBreathAfterAnother · 06/09/2015 21:39

Be prepared for him to try and start a few arguments. It seems to be a growing trend these days. He'll say things that he knows will get a response, and then at least you're engaging, even if it's in an argument. Then be can try and twist your logic and make you question what you know, accompanied with some well timed memories to make you reminiscent.

No contact is the answer. I hope you're alright tonight.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 06/09/2015 21:42

Am not too bad now - I did get a bit shakey when I got the text but that has passed now.
Am in bed as back to work tomorrow v early after 3 weeks off so know I will be mega busy which will be great.
Phone is on silent too Smile

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 06/09/2015 21:44

Your detachment and distance will have him in shock.

YY he'll be bitching to anyone who will listen but really does it matter? He's been caught out there and you are one amazing MuthaHubbard.

Every text you DON'T send and every call you DON'T make are very powerful acts.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 06/09/2015 21:49

You're right Lovely - it doesn't matter. His actions lately and on Fri spoke volumes and he knows that's a big thing for me.
I also know he HATES being ignored/if I am quiet so he can just stew nicely and realise what he's lost

OP posts:
Baconyum · 07/09/2015 00:13

Ooh then ignore away!! As for his mates he can tell them what he likes but what he forgets is they know the real him.

We had mutual friends some were ex's friends before me, 2 were actually really supportive and told him off for cheating and not paying maintenance and cut him off, we're still friends. I learned some time later that even his mother had a go at him (she didn't think he'd cheated but this then became hard to deny when she was told the edd of the baby now wife fell pregnant with while we were still living together ex Mil is a lot of things. Stupid ain't one of em!).

Greenfaith · 07/09/2015 00:17

No no no - he isn't sleeping in a camp bed and if he is it's after his up to no good. So sorry, that's wrong.

LovelyFriend · 07/09/2015 00:46

Ha Green you should read the thread or `at least the OP's posts.

He may well be sleeping on a camp bed now .....

MrsJorahMormont · 07/09/2015 01:10

He's already regretting what he's done OP. Well done. Ignore his 'woe-is-me' act and be glad you didn't waste any more time with him. PS: There is a HIGH chance he will try and come crawling back, make out that he's all hurt and misjudged but he's willing to forgive you because he loves you so much... blah blah blah. Ignore him.

It might be worth preparing a short, determined statement if he does start the goady texting and you're really struggling to sit on your hands. Maybe something like 'All the texts in the world won't change what you've thrown away. Idiot.' Just keep repeating the same line no matter what he says but only if you can't bear to ignore him. Ignoring him will bug him more :o

LemonPied · 07/09/2015 02:28

He clearly knows he has fucked up massively and is trying to rile you into an argument so that he can make you the bad guy and therefore absolve himself of guilt.

What an A grade prick.

You sound bloody awesome OP. If you start to wobble, or doubt yourself, remember what you told your DD - no woman deserves to be treated like this. Keep strong.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 07/09/2015 07:15

You're doing so well. Don't let him reel you into engaging with him. He may say some really awful things about how you were trying to stop him seeing his DC (obviously not true), just to get you to respond.

You don't need to justify yourself to him. He should have been justifying himself to you.

Soon all this will be a distant memory. I wish I had had a role model to show me never to tolerate being treated badly. The message your dd (and ds) will receive is so important. She will learn to value herself, and that being in a relationship is less important than being treated with respect.

Flowers
flanjabelle · 07/09/2015 07:28

Well done op! His behaviour is classic douchebag. Stay nc and you will keep the upper hand. Let out all the things you would want to say to him on here, just don't send them to him, he doesn't deserve to see your emotions anymore.

redshoeblueshoe · 07/09/2015 08:20

So he cheated - but you're the one who can't be trusted what a twat
I hope you have a good day at work Flowers

wannaBe · 07/09/2015 08:40

So the test was negative then. After all, if it had been positive he wouldn't be able to blame you now would he? because the evidence would soon start to speak for itself...

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 07/09/2015 13:38

So I had a further message and a missed call last night. Then another text today asking when we can talk. Am tempted to reply and say 'when you are ready to tell the truth'

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/09/2015 13:50

Oh no - keep ignoring - it'll drive him insane.
I would say block him so you don't hear from him again, but... if it was me I know I couldn't as I'm too damn nosy!

thehypocritesoaf · 07/09/2015 13:50

Well, he's the great romancer isn't he?!!

I wouldn't reply or if you want maybe a 'lol' would do.

I would imagine she likes shagging him but doesn't want him to move in.

Read your op if you are tempted back to him.

lazycoo · 07/09/2015 14:49

when can we talk? Bit presumptuous. I wouldn't reply. If the burden of the calls and texts are getting to you, consider blocking his number or changing sims so you aren't feeling like a hostage to your phone.

What did the further message last night say? More gaslighting?

Just want to say again MH that you're amazing.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/09/2015 14:55

Ah! So he's started to realise that you are serious!

Just ignore him. That will drive him more crazy than anything than you can think of to say. The best answer is no answer

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 07/09/2015 15:00

Last night was 'nothing to say?' and a missed call. He should be the one with plenty to Fucking say!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 07/09/2015 15:04

I would satisfy myself with composing withering answers in my head - but never sending them

You're doing great OP. Stay strong

It makes me laugh. He obviously thinks that him going was to punish you and that it's only a matter of time before the little woman begs for him back. Now he's starting to anic that you're serious! Good! Wanker

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 07/09/2015 15:27

Oh I have plenty of scathing, snotty replies in my head!! In a way I would like to hear what drivel he has to come out with - just not right now.

OP posts:
AlisonWunderland · 07/09/2015 15:32

I agree with thehypocritesoaf since I consider lol the most irritating and banal word ever.
Lol away...