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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling uneasy about dp staying at his exes

366 replies

MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2015 23:35

Just that really, something in my gut tells me something is off.

For the first time in our nearly 4 yr relationship, dp is staying at his XW's house with his ds. He only mentioned this about an hour before going - that apparently he was going to stop on a camp bed in his sons room. This is because he hasn't really seen him this week (bit of a fib), ds's grandfather just died (a month ago) and funnily enough his XW is now single (over a month or so ago).

Since his XW became single, he has been seeing his son a lot more than the normal twice a week. Now I am totally fine with this, am very happy that he's got the chance to spend more time with his ds - but this is always at his XW house. DS used to visit here weekly and stay once every fortnight but I've not actually seen him really since June. I said that I felt like I was the one who was now single as I barely see DP or his DS lately - bearing in mind they live about a 15 min drive away.

When DP mentioned it - I didn't say anything straight away which he initially took for me being 'funny' about it. Which seems rather defensive bearing in mind I'd not said a word.

I keep going from not being bothered (I'm not one to get jealous, which DP has remarked on before now) to my gut telling me the total opposite.

This is on top of the fact that I told him that he's treating the place like a hotel lately, home for tea, back out again for hours and then back to sleep. This is making me mightly pissed off lately and this just seems to be tipping me over into thinking god knows what.

Not sure what I'm asking but feel it's going to be a long night!

OP posts:
Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 21:36

Thank you all again for your fab words, has really kept me going and is nice to know I ain't half bad! I gave handled this quite well - know it could have been worse.

Am so very tired so am letting dd in bed with me tonight - rare as she's getting on (13) so making the most of it.

Tomorrow is another day and the start of a new chapter.

Flowers to you lovely lot (no hug's obv!)

OP posts:
Griphook · 04/09/2015 21:53

Wow, amazing woman!!! Well done, now pack up a his shit, tell him you want it gone by... If not it goes on the bin.

y0rkier0se · 04/09/2015 22:02

Flowers & Wine for you, you are setting a great example to your children.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2015 22:34

Ah bless you my dd very occasionally wants to sleep with me if my OH is away. She's 17.
Hope you get some sleep tonight.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 05/09/2015 17:09

Thanks all. I slept for 10 hours!! Felt so much better for it, have been out most of the day with dd and am out again tonight to a friends for a few drinks.

I think I will do as suggested and text him in the next day or so to say his stuff will be in the shed and he can collect on x day. The less contact/having to see him the better.

Am quite overwhelmed that you all think I'm so strong etc! What I did just kinda felt right - I was thinking before that maybe a huge part of my feelings for him died as soon as I knew (which is obviously a good thing) which made me so calm! Whatever is left will hurt at some point, but when that happens, I know I will get over it.

OP posts:
TheGrandPooBah · 05/09/2015 23:14

So sorry to hear that this has ended this way, but really proud of you for ending it so quickly when you figured it out. Bet he's really kicking himself now. His loss! We are here for you to rant at, swear at - we will support you.

Diamondsmiles · 05/09/2015 23:33

Wow well done. You've handled this amazingly!

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 06/09/2015 20:31

So he's text me - to which I shall not be replying but it says:

'Nothing like asking me questions to straighten out your misconstrued thoughts hey,never mind,your loss!!!!!!!! Oh,and the next guy you hook up with tell him to put a lock on his phone coz you can't be trusted not to access it at your leisure when he's not around,do you think if I had something to hide I'd have left my phone around with no locking?????'

I would like to reply with a few things, including that you don't need to lock your phone when you just delete incriminating messages!! Oh and I asked you several questions on Friday morning to which I barely got any reply!!!!
Wanker

OP posts:
Hopefulnewbie · 06/09/2015 20:38

You are amazing and handling yourself with so much dignity.. Keep it up and don't even bother replying to him - he's obv hoping you will bite which will start a text argument to make himself feel better.. Not replying will just annoy him more

TenForward82 · 06/09/2015 20:40

Translation: "I've had time to think about this so I'm going to gaslight you!"

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 06/09/2015 20:46

Phew - glad you agree. I doubted myself for a millisecond but it seems like classic deflection to me?

OP posts:
tomatoplantproject · 06/09/2015 20:51

He's had enough time to get over the shock of you kicking him out (for good reason). He's prepared his reasoning in his head now and he's about to start twisting things to make you feel like you are in the wrong. Keep your convictions and ignore.

Hopefulnewbie · 06/09/2015 20:52

Textbook.. He's hoping to wind you up enough so you say something horrible or 'out of order' so he doesn't feel like the bad guy.. The wanker is starting to feel stupid and annoyed at himself and is looking for someone to blame

LovelyFriend · 06/09/2015 20:58

Oh yes - his nice little set up with you has been destroyed now.

His X probably doesn't want him living there (else he's have been doing that yonks ago, plus it may well mess with her benefits etc if she is on any). He'll be desperate to rewrite history, and also totally kicking himself for NOT locking his phone. He thought he'd keep an open phone to lure you into false sense of trust, and he was clever enough to delete incriminating stuff really quickly.

He thinks he is really clever, and he's not - and he has to face the evidence of his lack of cleverness now he doesn't have anywhere to live. Must hurt! Grin

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 06/09/2015 20:59

Thanks - I know this is just classic behaviour but it's made my stomach churn. Will not be replying - is that really the best he can come up with after 3 days?!

OP posts:
Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 06/09/2015 21:01

And his ex flatmate has just put a pic on of them both drinking cider so he could be staying there. But then again, they have just finished footie so it could be a set up before he goes back to hers.

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 06/09/2015 21:01

not replying the best idea. It's slow silent torture for him too. You don't even care enough to have an argument about it - boo hoo!

TenForward82 · 06/09/2015 21:06

Absolutely, rise above it. If he truly believes he's the hard done-by party here, nothing you can say will convince him. And he'll get satisfaction from winding you up. Ignoring is the best way forward.

Innocent people don't say nothing until 3 days later.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/09/2015 21:17

Ah, I see OP. You're the morally bankrupt one because you looked at his phone Hmm

Remember. The best answer is no answer

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 06/09/2015 21:22

He had two opportunities to explain face to face but he obviously hadn't come up with anything then!
Thanks Ten/lovely/hopeful/tomato - you are helping to calm me down - have been a bit teary today so this has made me wobble - only a little but happens to all of us right?!

OP posts:
Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 06/09/2015 21:23

Yes Bit - thought this would be something he would say. Though to be fair I never actually said I had checked his texts - just that I knew she wanted a test and that he got her one

OP posts:
lazycoo · 06/09/2015 21:28

Don't engage at all. Keep the power with you. Cheating scumbag. You are so well rid and your approach is simply inspiring. You've been so dignified and he sounds desperate, and a bit dim.

Baconyum · 06/09/2015 21:30

"Innocent people don't say nothing until 3 days later."

And note he still isn't explaining himself!! I'd also wager his parents (and possibly others) are wondering what happened, he's no good answer for them so he's trying to goad you into saying something unreasonable in a text and then he can say 'see it wasn't my fault she's nuts'

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/09/2015 21:31

He can't even know you looked at his phone - so the very fact that he assumed you found out via texts proves it all to be true.

Sending you the strength to completely ignore him.

Baconyum · 06/09/2015 21:31

Fwiw my ex did something very similar. He was juggling 3 of us at one time it later transpired, me a fwb and his now wife (who still doesn't know whole story re fwb)