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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling uneasy about dp staying at his exes

366 replies

MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2015 23:35

Just that really, something in my gut tells me something is off.

For the first time in our nearly 4 yr relationship, dp is staying at his XW's house with his ds. He only mentioned this about an hour before going - that apparently he was going to stop on a camp bed in his sons room. This is because he hasn't really seen him this week (bit of a fib), ds's grandfather just died (a month ago) and funnily enough his XW is now single (over a month or so ago).

Since his XW became single, he has been seeing his son a lot more than the normal twice a week. Now I am totally fine with this, am very happy that he's got the chance to spend more time with his ds - but this is always at his XW house. DS used to visit here weekly and stay once every fortnight but I've not actually seen him really since June. I said that I felt like I was the one who was now single as I barely see DP or his DS lately - bearing in mind they live about a 15 min drive away.

When DP mentioned it - I didn't say anything straight away which he initially took for me being 'funny' about it. Which seems rather defensive bearing in mind I'd not said a word.

I keep going from not being bothered (I'm not one to get jealous, which DP has remarked on before now) to my gut telling me the total opposite.

This is on top of the fact that I told him that he's treating the place like a hotel lately, home for tea, back out again for hours and then back to sleep. This is making me mightly pissed off lately and this just seems to be tipping me over into thinking god knows what.

Not sure what I'm asking but feel it's going to be a long night!

OP posts:
CanalTrip · 04/09/2015 14:20

Even if it wasn't a pregnancy test, would that stop you from doing what you need to do? He is still emotionally entangled with his ex wife and not available for you, unless you are content with remaining on the sidelines and picking up the scraps.

LovelyFriend · 04/09/2015 14:20

If you have the energy I'd be spending the day chucking his stuff into bin bags and leave them out the front. It can all be done and dusted by tonight.

He's behaved very very very badly to you and your family.

CanalTrip · 04/09/2015 14:25

sorry, missed the last 50 or so posts. Well done.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 14:27

I think even without the pregnancy test, it would have ended but I feel that has brought things forward a bit iyswim? My gut kept on at me to listen to it and things weren't right. I think deep down I know it was just a matter of time I guess.

I have thrown some of his clothes/stuff in a couple of bags and left by the door. No idea what tools/decorating stuff he needs but that's mainly in shed.

OP posts:
coffeeisnectar · 04/09/2015 14:32

Yy to screwing up his stuff in bin bags and dumping it outside. I'd be tempted to pour milk over his clothes too so he's got to wash it all. But then again you sound too level headed to do something mean like that.

He's an arse and him and his ex sound like Jeremy Kyle candidates. You are well rid. But it's not nice and it must hurt.

0dfod · 04/09/2015 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theresaflyinmyhouse · 04/09/2015 16:19

Mutha, you are everything I wish I could be! Well done. Do you think you'll find out if she's pregnant? I'm nosey.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 16:46

Aww thank you all for being so lovely - you rock!
He has been and taken half of his stuff. Rest wouldnt fit in his little car! Both of us very civilised. If I had been accused of something like this I would be shouty/rant etc but just nothing.
Didn't ask where he was staying/test result - am sure I will find out in time. If they are actively trying it probably won't take long.
At the moment I couldn't care less and they can both rot.
Still feel ok for now but know tonight in bed will probably be when i'my not so strong.

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 04/09/2015 16:50

Yes it may well all hit you later, but we'll still be here.
You are handling this so well.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 17:23

Thank you fast. Hoping ds home from work soon so I can lock my little family away for the night and forget about know head x

OP posts:
Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 17:23

Knobhead obv!!

OP posts:
magoria · 04/09/2015 17:40

Sorry you are going through this OP.

Unfortunately the need for a test suggests unprotected sex. I suggest you consider a trip to an STI clinic for a check up Sad

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 17:43

Have thought about that unfortunately magoria. When we stopped using condoms we both got checked and all clear. Funnily enough I had a bladder infection a few weeks ago Ffs. If I have anything I know that it will be from the pair of sleazy scumbags!

OP posts:
Strawberryfield12 · 04/09/2015 17:50

If it feels tough this night, remind yourself that every ending is a start of something else. And today you unlocked beginning of something beautiful. Has always helped for myself with all the crap I was having before meeting DH. Big hug and hope all is good health wise. You've given a good life lesson to many people today both in RL and on here.

TenForward82 · 04/09/2015 17:57

And above all remind yourself that you were smart, sensible, attentive and intuitive, and didn't let yourself get taken for a ride. That makes you one smart cookie and an amazing role model to your children.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 18:00

Very kind words Strawberry and Ten - thank you.
I may seem tough but believe me, I wouldn't have been quite so confident if it wasn't for you lot. I shall always be very grateful for that and your cyber support

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 04/09/2015 18:06

big hugs for you

I came in too late to be of an help during this, but you have my admiration for the way you dealt with it. No messin'.

PastaLaFeasta · 04/09/2015 18:14

I'm sure there will be a few around on here tonight if needed. Plus you mentioned the kids coming back which will help. Such a shame as you clearly took your time with the relationship before he moved in. Although he has form so clearly was always a knob or very weak willed. Gather your supporters and look forward to the future. Glass of wine, take away and tub of ice cream is well deserved.

Tinktheterrible · 04/09/2015 18:14

mutha I'm sure your uti wasn't caused by anything nasty. Totally agree checking is the best way though. It sounds like she was the only ow and if she's newly single one would hope that the chances of something being passed about is pretty slim. Try not to worry about that.

I hope tonight is painless and you can begin to see the lovely future you have gained rather than dwelling on the arsehole that you've lost. It's good to grieve and get it all out if you need to but keep that grounded sense of perspective that's earned you so much admiration on here.

redshoeblueshoe · 04/09/2015 18:40

Mutha I hope you can relax tonight Wine and Flowers people will be here all night. you could text him and say you have a nasty sti

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 19:02

Like your thinking red!!

OP posts:
MrFMercury · 04/09/2015 19:04

I'm late to this but wow, I don't think you could have handled that any better mutha
Just remember no one will think less of you when you do need to cry. I wish I had some of your class, I think I'd have gone postal if it was me!

AnyFucker · 04/09/2015 19:21

FlowersStar

StickyProblem · 04/09/2015 20:09

Mutha you are an inspiration Flowers

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/09/2015 21:04

Amazingly handled, you are a Star