She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

Yonic the wife works full time condensed into 3 days, arguably harder as I'm guessing she does childcare the other 4 days.

OP, I think you are in a very difficult situation and your sensitivity and honesty come across loud and clear.

The mechanism and environment of MN naturally create a polarized, combatitive debate, the same situation you find yourself in with your DW. No one would deny that your situation is complex, and you and your DW clearly love each other. Would you consider counseling, a discussion with an objective , facilitator who is experienced in these complex situations?

Slithy: thank you for your explanation.

OP: don't fret over the 'only child' thing per se: no one has an obligation to produce an extra child as a companion / sibling, there are many reasons for single child families, and many happy single children. As well as lifelong warring siblings ! The issue here is your DW's feelings about another child for it's own sake.

And if you did try for another child, who knows, there could be secondary infertility. But that would normally be a situation that a couple face together, whereas your current situation is divisive.

I hope your DW came safely home last night and you still have the potential for constructive communication .

Good luck: I wish you well.

He works FT, she works 3 days. In what way is she subsidising him?

She works full time over 3 days.

Hence her unreasonable shift pattern that means poor diddums is left minding his own two children by himself, while she doesn't frequently enough for his taste look after her daughter and his son simultaneously.

She is subsidising him because he contributes less than half to their family pot because of the CM he pays for his son.

I have not read every comment on this thread, but I think immediately you and your wife need to go to counselling to figure out what you do next. Going round in circles debating/arguing isn't going to help either one of you. You need to be 100% honest during therapy and say exactly how you are feeling, then your wife needs to decide what she wants to do next.

I feel sorry for OPs wife because she has been lied to. OP should have been honest from the outset and then his wife could have decided what to do rather than find out this news now when a couple of years of her fertility has been wasted.
I have a DC with a very severe and complex disability and I look after him on my own (whilst DH is working) for many more hours a week than OP looks after his child. It is exhausting looking after a child with a severe disability and I understand the OPs concerns about not being able to cope with another child but he should not have spent the last couple of years being dishonest and giving his wife false hope.
If they were to have another child the OP would take some maternity leave and that period would give them time to adjust to being z bigger family (meanwhile their existing child is growing and becoming more independent each day).

I am also wondering what OPs financial situation would be if his wife's yearning for another child caused the relationship to break down. Could he manage the current level of maintenance to his disabled child and pay a fair amount for his child with his current wife as well as paying his own bills? If the answer to that is no then frankly I think it is unfair to expect the OPs wife to bankroll his child whilst he is denying her the opportunity of having another of her own.

I do agree that children should only be created when both parents want them though.

Sorry sebsmummy, obviously I should have said no child should be born to a reluctant parent in a country where men and women have equal rights, and contraception is freely available. Like this one.

I also don't think that children should be born to reluctant parents in parts of the world where this isn't that case, but that is another debate entirely.

no child should be born to a reluctant parent'. That would wipe out about two thirds of the worlds population if that was the case

But most people in the UK have a choice. And the op has it before a child comes up.
If he doesn't want a child, he shouldn't have to force himself to agree to it. And nor should anyone.

OP,if I was in your position I wouldn't want more children. I understand your situation and through my work I see families in similar positions, ( disabled child, family real down and move on to new families)
I don't know what the answer is but I hope your wife eventually understands.

Bathtimefunkster, the subsidy you've jumped on - whilst appreciated - isn't life changing. The difference is about £150-200 per month, and she earns marginally more than me

Oh fuck off Bathtime your posts in this thread have been absolutely ridiculous. Families don't subsidise each other. That's not how it works. And your attitude towards the OP has been bordering on personal, I don't know what you're projecting but you need to get a grip. As people have said before you wouldn't be speaking to a woman in this situation like this.

She is subsidising him because he contributes less than half to their family pot because of the CM he pays for his son

And this is an issue why?

OP. Much earlier on you said that you weren't prepared to lose your marriage over this but at the same time wouldn't let your DW have a second DC. You may not have the choice. Child maintenance to two exW might be even more financially challenging than a change in your DW's hours.

It seems that the only time this is a problem is if you have to look after both of / all your DC at the same time. Would it not be possible to only have your son when your wife is not on one of her shifts so that you can just look after him not your other DC?

I could not accept this if I was your wife. I feel very sorry for her.

£200 is enough - per month - to have a child.

It isn't just a financial issue Iam it is also a time/emotional issue for the OP.
Also children cost way more than £200 per month.

So, in fact, the financial reason your new wife can't have a child is because of YOUR requirement to pay CM.

If she left you, and demanded CM... how would your life look then?

I am NOT trying to be harsh... Truly I am not... I am trying to show you how it looks in her eyes.

She is not being asked. She is being told. And, be truthful, you put off the conversation for as long as humanly possible.I BET this only came out when she said she was coming off her contraception.

I'm sorry - truly I am - but I can see why she would feel duped, taken for granted and taken for a ride.

I would never forgive someone who forced me to have a child when I admitted I was struggling with current children, just so they could fulfil some dream or want of another child.

Well it's not really when you take maternity leave into account is it? And money isn't the only issue here.

Stan - not when you've already got one, got the gear etc., they don't.

And I get the other emotional stuff... but again, it's not actually her problem.

I'd be interested to know how welcome she is in Ex wife's house / how close the step siblings are.

iam you're latching on anything to try and make this woman into more of a victim and the OP into a cruel person.

All what you're saying is irrelevant. Completely and utterly irrelevant. His wife knew he had a child. She knew he would have to pay CM. That can't be used against him now just because it suits.

No Greys - I don't disagree with that.

I guess it's just the OP.... the way it's written. It's like 'I like my life the way it is and I'm not prepared to discuss that' - that's the way you speak to a child. Not your partner.

And I get the other emotional stuff... but again, it's not actually her problem

How is it not her problem if her family is having emotional turmoil then yes it certainly is her problem.
If her DH is unable to cope with their children, that's certainly her problem.

Using your logic, the OP could turn round and say 'well her want of another child isn't my problem'.

So, in fact, the financial reason your new wife can't have a child is because of YOUR requirement to pay CM

If she left you, and demanded CM... how would your life look then?

Probably a lot easier than hers would be. But why are you assuming that she would/could take her DD with her - why couldn't OP become the primary cared and the wife pay CM?

Is the wife willing to risk that for the want of a second child? Would she be willing to give up the care of her first child because of her want of a second child?

If it were a woman on here saying, "my husband is throwing a strop because I've given him one child, told him on and off I don't want more, then I might be ok with having more, then saying I don't want more, and now I've finally realised I really can't cope and have said to him I really can't do this, he's angry at me because I won't produce more children for him", you lot of hypocrites lambasting the OP would be howling.

You know what? People are only human. You can think you want something, and fool yourself into believeing you can make yourself want it, and then it comes along and you're like, well shit, wish I'd said something now because I cannot cope with this at all. Life's no tblack and white.

The OP seems to have had, whilst misguided, intentions that came from a good place though obviously now he's fianlly told his wife what he has realised he truly wants she is devastated. He didn't deliberately rub his hands together in evil glee chuckling "mwahaha, I'm going to fool her!!", FFS.

But what would be worse? Her being pregnant and him spending the entire pregnancy shitting himself because he doesn't want the baby? It is HARD having children, ESPECIALLY if one is SN. My toddler is high needs, not SN, but even trying to cope with him and his 9 month old sister is bloody hard. My husband is abroad a lot, I have no friends or family nearby so it is literally just me and the kids day in day out and I understand your feelings to that degree OP. My husband didn't understand how HARD it was to look after both at the same time as he only did it for a couple of hours max until we had a death in the family a few months ago and for the first time in 2 years I left the kids with him for a night and day, and since then he's been completely understanding about how bloody hard it is dealing with our son plus the baby.

The attitude of some of you on here is sad. Really, truly sad and black and white. So because he's told her the truth, because he's been honest with her (however late - they BOTH should've had that conversation before even having the first), he should just give her what she wants? FFS.