She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

No, Greys - I disagree with that.

HE has to pay CM. By the OP's own admission, she is paying £200 a month to keep that situation going.

SHE never signed up to pay CM to another person's child at the expense of her own child.

iam you're latching on anything to try and make this woman into more of a victim and the OP into a cruel person

All what you're saying is irrelevant. Completely and utterly irrelevant. His wife knew he had a child. She knew he would have to pay CM. That can't be used against him now just because it suits

^This.

why couldn't OP become the primary cared and the wife pay CM?

Well he would be even more financially screwed in that case because he wouldn't have anybody to share the bills and I bet any CM he would get would be less than his wife's current contribution.

How could op become the primary carer when he isn't coping now, looking after DD 3 days a week?

Op could you maybe give a better idea of the breakdown? When is dd in your sole care? Is she in nursery at all? How often does DW have her in sole care? How often does your care for DS and DD overlap?

I must remember than in future I will have to have a baby if my DP decides I must because otherwise I'm cruel and controlling. I can't admit I'm struggling because I should have told him from the very day we met exactly how many we were allowed to have because obviously I have a crystal ball and am able to tell what situation we'll be in. When the baby comes I'll just have to struggle some more and potentially have a break down or succumb to depression but it's okay because DP has got the child he wanted.

Also if I'm paying £200 a month in care home fees for my parents I must remind DP that he's subsidising me.

As people have said before you wouldn't be speaking to a woman in this situation like this.

A woman is unlikely to be in a situation like this.

Women are not socialised in the same way to suit themselves at the expense of others, to tell lies to get what they want and then pretend they did it out of good intentions.

To me this is very much gendered - a single father didn't want to spend the rest of his life without a woman to make his life more pleasant, so he allowed his girlfriend to believe they would have multiple children together.

Then, once the first child had come along and it would be hard for her to leave him, he suddenly feels "brave" enough to raise the fact that actually he only wants two children.

I think a woman in the OP's situation would have been a lot more upfront about what she wanted and what she could manage.

He told lies to get what he wanted out of her.

Lots of you think that's OK.

I don't.

HE has to pay CM. By the OP's own admission, she is paying £200 a month to keep that situation going

No, she is paying £150-£200 more into the joint pot than he is. She isn't subsidising him any more than a WOHP is subsidising a SAHP. Or are you one of those posters that think money is more important than any other contribution?

bet any CM he would get would be less than his wife's current contribution you can't bet that because CM is based on earnings and we don't know what the wife earns.

Sorry but children do cost more than £200 per months even if you have some of the gear they need clothes/food/other equipment/extra CM costs.

Honestly, I think practically, if you wanted to, you could do this.

And I would investigate if there is anything underlying colouring your judgement.

If not, I guess you just don't want another child, no matter what. And that is valid.

HE has to pay CM. By the OP's own admission, she is paying £200 a month to keep that situation going. SHE never signed up to pay CM to another person's child at the expense of her own child.

She chose to marry a person with a child, presumably she knew he paid CM. Her decision. She could have said no.
This is what families do. I will soon have to pay care home fees for my parents, so my DP will be subsidising me will he? No, we'll just budget the HOUSEHOLD INCOME. Because that's what it is, household income. Not an individual subsiding someone.

How could op become the primary carer when he isn't coping now, looking after DD 3 days a week?

The same way any other parent does. But that wasn't the point. The point was that yes, OPs wife could leave him if he doesn't agree to have a second child, but she shouldn't count on being the RP, it could just as easily be the OP that does, and would she be willing to take that risk, that gamble, simply because she wants another child.

good luck op
have read part of the thread
and thank you for your honesty.

it is a problem only you and your other half can solve.

I think, for what its worth, she should have another child, she wants a sibling for her child. perhaps her job will change once she has another baby.

Women are not socialised in the same way to suit themselves at the expense of others, to tell lies to get what they want and then pretend they did it out of good intentions
What sort of sexist nonsense is this.

If you're going to talk about 'gendered issues' don't open with such claptrap that tries to eliminate women from being suit-themselves-liars.

I think people should re-read the original post, particularly the last three questions OP asks:

Can a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Whatever the rights or wrongs of the situation, this is what he actually asked for advice on.

Can a woman ever recover from this?
Possibly, but there may be residual resentment caused by the situation of both her DH and his ex-wife going on to have more children and her not being allowed to by him and and you can't say it's unfair of her to feel that given he says he's been deliberately uncommital and untruthful (his words!)

Will she leave me?
Again, possibly and that's a choice he is going to have to face. If it is a dealbreaker for their marriage would he agree to another child?

Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?
No, of course not and the circumstances are very difficult ones but one of them is going to end up not getting what they want and those of you saying the OP's preference is more important than his wife's are massively dismissing her and her feelings.

I also don't agree that the OP would be getting different advice if it were a woman asking these questions. Of course, no one should be forced to have a child they don't want but the question here is hugely complex involving two families it's not just "we had one child and now my husband wants another and I don't want to" it's "we had one child, my husband said all along he was happy to have another child if that's what I want but now has changed his mind. He already has another child who is disabled and therefore has complex care needs and I help him to take care of that child by contributing more to the family pot and taking on the lion's share of the childcare for our daughter so that he can be a responsible dad to his DS and give him both a good amount of time and more money than the CSA say he should and I feel very hard done by that because of that I am now being denied the option of having another child myself. His ex-wife already has other children and can cope, depsite having his DS for the majorit of the time, and I can't see why we can't make it work" etc...

If it were the wife on here saying that, what would you say to her?

Women are not socialised in the same way to suit themselves at the expense of others, to tell lies to get what they want and then pretend they did it out of good intentions.

Of course women sometimes tell lie to get what they want, ridiculous comment

SHE never signed up to pay CM to another person's child at the expense of her own child.

Yes she did. When she married him knowing full well his son would need financial support his whole life. Just the same way when a man marries a women who already has DC he knows full well the money he puts in the pot is spent on meeting their daily financial needs.

Where does the OP say that his wife does the lions share of the care of his daughter?

I don't even know where to begin criticising that utter bullshit bathtime.

Is there something you'd like to talk about since you're so obviously projecting your own issues?

Where does the OP say that his wife does the lions share of the care of his daughter

This

He said the childcare of his daugher was 60/40 in his wife's favour up there ^^

bathimefunkster you are coming across as a screaming harpie. Nothing you have contributed to this thread has made any sense whatsoever.

OP - it seems to me that you have been honest with your wife as much as you were able to. You were noncommittal about having a second child in the early stages of your relationship. At no point did you string her along or promise a second child. Now you have had time to assess the situation and you are quite clear that you don't want a second child.

You are perfectly in your right to come to this decision just as I was within my rights not to have a fifth child (my husband wanted 5).

Forced parenthood to appease your other half is just wrong and will lead to no end of trouble further down the line.

The general opinion of this thread has been one of full support and understanding and I hope that you are able to take that onboard and ignore the hysterical rants of a small minority.

Here: 'alone time' care of our daughter is probably 60/40 in wife's favour. The issue being that in my 40%, the probability is that I've also got DS to care for in addition

I think Bath should start her own thread.

You clearly have issues Bath and you may benefit from getting advice on them as your ridiculous spoutings are bringing nothing to the OP's thread and you are simply using it as a vehicle to spout your frustrations.

OP - I can't make you reply and I certainly can't make you tell me the truth, but from what you've said, I reckon:

Your new wife said she was coming off contraception before you admitted you didn't want another child. You would have happily gone along with the 'maybe, maybe not' line until pushed.

Your wife is not integrated - as you are - in the life of your ex wife or, for that matter, your son.

Your wife works LONG hours for 3 days a week in order to earn 5 days money (I have NO CLUE how she does this) and hands it all over for you to decide how it's spent.

You like to pay over the odds CM because it keeps things nice and easy with the ex-wife and you're a good dad.

OP - I am not denying - you DO sound like a good dad... but I am not sure about the husband bit