She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

the OP's feelings and concerns are every bit as valid/justified as hers.

Exactly.

And in a situation where their feelings and concerns are equally valid, the ongoing decision to lie to her about how many children he wanted was deeply selfish.

In doing so he showed that actually he thinks that his feelings and concerns are paramount.

The thread title shows it too - what she "wants" versus what he "needs".

I assume your wife returned him last night after her car journey? Are you speaking this morning?

Your feelings are perfectly valid, OP, but so are your wife's. You need to accept that her desire for more children may trump her relationship with you. The biological urge for children is really strong and if she leaves you to fulfil that elsewhere, you have to accept you played a part in that.

You led her to believe you'd be happy to have another child. She had a baby with you and married you partially as a result of that, and now you've moved the goalposts by saying you definitely don't want another. That has to really sting, especially when she sees your ex, who has your DS for the majority of the time, going on to have a further two children. I wouldn't blame her if she walked out.

That doesn't mean your reasoning isn't valid - caring for a disabled child, even part-time, is very hard, especially on a limited income. But you knew what your income was before you had a second child and told your wife you'd be open to having a third. I don't understand why you didn't discuss this earlier. It's not fair on your wife - she now either has to live with only having one child, or break up her marriage in order to fulfil her desire to have more children.

I hope you get something sorted, but I think you need to be prepared for her to say that you lied to her and that she's going to walk. I'm sorry.

He didn't lie as such if he tried to come round to the idea of having another child because he knew it was important to her. And it doesn't look like he said he definitely wanted another child.
Not ideal, but neither it's her pushing to have another child. This is something to be discussed not imposed.

OP no abuse from me.

We have one child, my husband desperately wants another. I don't. And we have no issues of the type you are facing, I am just done at one.

I have no issue with DD being an only child, I am one and I am very happy. I also know plenty of people with siblings who hate one another (ironically, my DH is one of them.)

I don't have any answers as I'm stuck too. Maybe my husband will resent me for the rest of his life, maybe he will run off with a 20 year old and sire hundreds more children.

You have my support and empathy.

Not read the whole thread, as it's now v long. Wanted to add (point probably already made) that can you go through with your wife what it would take for you to have another child? She would have to be available to help look after the children when you have your son over, so that means altering her shifts, or altering the days you have him over so that it doesn't coincide when you're on your own. I know that won't be able to happen at weekends, but would your ex be flexible midweek, or does your son require the certainty of fixed days?

She'd be reckless IMO to end a marriage over this. She needs to empathise with you more. However I suspect she's being driven by the very strong urge to procreate, so good luck with that one.

Fucking hell, if this had been the other way round and it was a woman that didn't want more kids but the man was insistent, all those like bathtime would be up in arms about what a controlling/emotionally abuse bastard the guy was and that no way should she even consider going through with having another child.

It has been said by some less hysterical pp's on here already but there should be no child born where only one parent wants it, either way, for any reason. OP, you're doing the right thing.

A question to all pps who think the op is unreasonable.

Would you have another child if you didn't want to but your husband did?

Exactly Lweji, exactly.

Less hysterical?
Are you saying all are hysterical?
(And disputing the use of hysterical, even though I think there are some pps here who are not really thinking straight about this and though I'm on the op's "side")

I can't help thinking that if this was a woman posting that she didn't want another child but her dp did, but that she had one severely disabled child and another toddler who her dp never looked after on his own the responses here would be different

I agree

No, but I also wouldn't have told him I was willing to have more when I wasn't.

Batman and Lweji, well said!

I have to say that I feel really sorry for your wife - none of the reasons for not having a second child are if get making, but she has to accept the consequences. That's tough. Is it possible that your money issues could also be solved by an inheritance one day?

Op, is it that you don't want another child full stop, or that you don't want one because of certain reasons, which if they could be changed, you would?

Eg would you like DD to have a younger sibling and to have another child at home, if your problems were different

I'm just thinking, it seems like something else is going on. I wonder if you are perhaps a bit depressed due to all of your responsibilities, and if this is colouring your thinking.

You work full time, does that mean you have your daughter every weekend alone? Or is she in childcare at all? Have you taken the 15 hours nursery into account when calculating? Are you entitled to any benefit help?

Is there any parental support for you or DW?
Financially would you personally be worse off without DW contributing to the pot?

I think if you never want another child, you should be honest and let DW leave if she needs to.

I think if you would consider it if things were different, you should give DW the opportunity to change things. While she was on Mat leave, the burden on childcare will fall to her? That would take DD to being 4 or nearly 4, and in 30 hours free nursery, or school depending on how long conception takes. That year of mat leave might even enable to you save money or save up childcare vouchers.

Do you get childcare vouchers right now?

There are ways to do this if you want to. Do you?

To be honest, I think it has a lot less to do with the actual baby than everything else.

So, OP pays OTO on CSA (fair play... my husband does too)... but he's expecting his wife to sacrifice something so no-one else has to.

Neither the CM or care for DS is a deciding factor in his ex-wife's and yet both seem to be a problem for OP's new wife.

I do appreciate that - on the surface - it feels very valid. Noble, almost... but what, for instance, if the new wife stopped topping up OP's bank balance to enable payments to his ex-wife. Perhaps she felt she just COULDN'T...

I'm afraid there is a lot more to this than a baby.

Lweji I was being facetious, calm down - I think we're on the same team here.

He didn't lie as such if he tried to come round to the idea of having another child because he knew it was important to her.

He lied if he didn't tell her he was "trying to come around to the idea".

She deserved to know his feelings on the matter of multiple children.

Having two children is, in the UK, considered to be so normal that in a niggardly country stripping benefits from everyone, you still automatically get state support for two.

Most women who want children want more than one.

This didn't just come up. He has always known that he had doubts about something he knew that she wanted.

Thanks for coming back on OP, I don't know where everyone got the impression you didn't work from.

OP is an NRP doing the right thing! Working full time, paying over the CSA minimum, having his son regularly.

His DD is 2 - her needs are also increasing over time. Yes he was cowardly to put off the discussion once he had realised but that's very different to deliberately misleading her. The only difference is the DW would have either made her peace with it in the last year or so or would have decided to leave. His position wouldn't be different.

I would have conversations about changing her shifts, getting fixed days that alternate with the days you have DS.

It's all very sad. Your wife wants another child, she contributes more to your family together than you do, because you contribute more than you have to to your previous family - a family where there is no mortgage and (obviously partially as a result of your contribution financially) they are able to have 2 children in addition to your son. You don't want another child and obviously nobody can make you have one - but if I was your wife I'd leave. I would not be prepared to make the major financial contribution essentially to facilitate someone else having more children when I wasn't 'allowed' to have more children myself. I'd feel like I was being taken advantage of. Because I would be being taken advantage of. Your wife is essentially subsidizing someone else being able to have all the babies they'd like. That's not on. And it's not reasonable to expect her to do that.

OP I think you've had some abuse on here but I think your position is the correct one. Adding another child to the mix - a disabled child, a younger child plus half siblings? It's complicated and difficult enough as it is.

If you do have another child, it could be twins. It could be disabled as well. I don't understand why your wife wants to add even more stress to the mix. How on earth does she think she will cope?

I'm an only child and have an only child. Your dd has half sibings so isn't on her own. My husband might have liked another child but he was 39 when our ds came along and felt that he'd be too old for more. But we are both very risk averse and rational - and that would always trump any feelings about having more kids.

I do feel very sorry for your wife, purely because she has no say. On this issue, it's usually the one who doesn't want who gets their way.

So of course I feel sorry for her. I don't see you saying anywhere that she is forcing you or insistent though, so I don't think she is abusive. If a man wanted another child and his wife didn't, I wouldn't think he was abusive either.

but what, for instance, if the new wife stopped topping up OP's bank balance to enable payments to his ex-wife. Perhaps she felt she just COULDN'T...

Well exactly.

She's subsidising payments he can't afford on his own to his son, and that is (yet another) reason why she can't have another baby.

And as for the complaints about her shift patterns

Can people stop taking issue with the word "can't" in the title? OP means that he just can't cope with a third child. This is pretty normal phrasing.