She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

She had no say when the op married her and did not tell her until he was forced to, that he had no intention of having a 2nd child with her.

What's marriage got to do this? They had a child before they were married. If they had stayed unmarried and she had wanted a second child are you somehow suggesting she would have had less of a right to want it? Is this some kind of idea that marriage 'green lighted' her desire for a second child?

I wonder if things simply came to a head when the OP's DW told him she had decided to stop with her contraception method. It's something that women who want children with indecisive husbands are often advised to do.

For what it's worth I have huge sympathy for the OP. I have a relative with severe disabilities (but much lower care needs than the OP's child) and it has been incredibly difficult for her parents, much though they love and cherish her (of course). I really don't think that anyone who just has 'normal' children can understand. I certainly struggle with it. The idea that your child may not advance but that important things might even go backward. That caring for them won't become progressively easier, but may well become harder.

None of these things might have been that well known when the OP got together with his now wife, because diagnosis/prognosis often takes quite a while, but they would have started to be fairly visible when they decided to have a child together, and I think would have been fairly obvious that his needs would be very high when they got married/bought their house.

Of course it's quite possible that the OP has been hiding how much of a struggle it's been for him caring for his son and his dd together, but for a fair amount of that time his DW would have been there too, and she must see how exhausted he is on his alone nights when she comes home (although no doubt she too will have been exhausted then too).

I wonder if part of her upset is because she knows really that another baby isn't doable, it's just very very painful to have to admit it?

Marriage is a partnership, when you want different things on such a fundamental level, you HAVE to have solid reasons for those.

No, not with sex, being in a relationship or having another baby. Anything where your partner has no rights over you. Not wanting another child is not denying your partner a baby since no-one can or should expect that anyone else will provide them with a baby. You talk about your feelings on those things together. OP has muddied the waters by pretending he is open to the idea when his wife has spoken to him. It's been said a lot on this thread. If he now goes in with "I can't" followed by 'practical reasons' she will view this as

Oops

"He does want a baby, we just have to solve the practical problems" because of what he has previously said.

Feeling as though you don't want anymore IS enough. I can't see any reason why you should be made to justify yourself as this implies the partner who wants more has greater status. It supports the idea that the partner who wants more is 'in the right' and the partner who doesn't is 'denying' children.

If his wife has false hope she has done that to herself and she is not listening to what her husband is telling her....that isn't the OP's fault.

That isn't quite true stan. OP admits himself he's 'strung her along for a year'. I use his words here. If his wife has false hope, he's done that to her and it's come from listening to what he was saying until a couple of days ago. OP does need to understand that, and accept responsibility for it. I don't criticise him for doing it, I have not walked a mile in his shoes, but there are going to be consequences to his actions. While his reasons, not that he needs them, are entirely solid, his wife is likely to be angry and upset with him. And justifiably so.

i think you can say i feel i can't because of reasons x, y and z and if even if by some miracle you solved x,y and z that would just make our situation more sustainable as it is not mean we could justifying bringing another child into our lives.

Of course she is going to be angry but if my DP said I cannot cope then I would sit up and listen not carry on like only I matter and what I want matters.

As for stringing her along for a year that is a little OTT. Their child is only 2 yo so I doubt DW wanted to conceive a second immediately and the indecisiveness of the OP is pretty natural. A newborn is different to a toddler and the OP probably hoped he would change his mind and that things would get easier. They haven't and he has now said he doesn't want a 3rd, granted the wife has pushed him to be honest with her but I don't think taking a year to make a big decision is wrong and I don't think he was stringing her along.

Besides that has happened now and what the OP is asking is will his wife get over this and how can he help/ Beating him with the you lied stick ( he didn't lie) or the you should have said it this way is not going to help him at all. It just makes posters look vicious and out for blood.

I don't think either you or your wife are being unreasonable. I can't imagine how hard your life is at the moment and you are very reasonable not wanting to change the status quo and she must accept this if she stays with you.
However I feel your wife gets less out of this relationship and arrangement. She has to sacrifice more than she would if she was with a different partner. I don't think she would be unreasonable if she decided to leave.

Stan, OP himself said he had strung her along for a year. Those are his own words. He's presumably better qualified than you or I to assess his behaviour, and it would be pretty arrogant of us to tell him he's wrong.

I don't agree about 'beating him with the lied stick' either. I wouldn't use the word lied, that's loaded, but he needs to understand and take responsibility for the fact that his wife is going to be angry and upset because of his actions. Namely, him having chosen to string her along for a year. He is asking will his wife get over this and how can he help. In order to help her and understand what she's likely to feel, he needs to acknowledge the consequences of his own actions. Otherwise, they run the risk of being destroyed by his bitterness at her anger as much as her bitterness at his behaviour.

Stan, OP himself said he had strung her along for a year. Those are his own words.

They were his words AFTER he had been constantly beaten down by some posters.
Where has he not acknowledged it? From his posts I think it is clear that he knows he should have said something sooner and I also think he accepts full responsibility for the situation he has now created. I also don't think he comes across as bitter just very sad that he has put his wife in this position.

Like I said I don't understand what some posters want from this man and yes they are very much beating him with a projection stick.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do "

How on earth is that not stringing the poor woman along?

Or:
"My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do "

The problem is that we tend to hear the part we want.

Because the wife chose to ignore the happy if we don't bit and only saw the happy if we do. He admits he gave a noncommittal answer. If my DH had given me that answer then I would have pushed to know what happy if we don't meant. I would want my DH to want another child 100% and if he was as equally happy not to have one then I would not think he was 100% up for it.
Yes the OP has made a huge mistake in giving noncommittal answers but the DW has to take some responsibility for ignoring him when he said happy if we don't. Yet all posters want is to continue yu bashing him for how he said it and now cannot change it. I don't understand why that is so important to posters as frankly it changes fuckall about the current situation they are now in.

They are his words, full stop. Unless you've been hiding under OP and DWs bed, we listen to his interpretation over yours. He hasn't taken them back, so they stand.

Re bitterness, I don't mean he's bitter now. I mean he might get that way in the future if he's unable to acknowledge the legitimacy of her anger. He might hold it against her, basically. Most posters have focused on the likelihood of her leaving him over this, which I agree is a realistic possibility. However, if they stay together, it isn't just going to be about her accepting his decision and actions. It's also going to be about him accepting her response to the situation. Because she might well be angry, upset and bitter for some time, and there's no guarantee he'll be willing or able to cope with that. Both of them will need to accept each other's response to this situation.

Where has he said he cannot cope with her anger??

God some of you just love an assumption

I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish.

I didn't say he had stan, I said he's going to need to be able to do so in the future and if he can't, that's going to be potentially as much of a threat to the relationship as her anger at him. Can't see how this is particularly controversial. Though I suppose you have managed to take issue with things OP has actually said himself...

Though I suppose you have managed to take issue with things OP has actually said himself...

I have no idea what ^this means?

I have no issues with what the OP has said.

Muff you are just taking bollocks now. You are wanting the OP to acknowledge feelings he may or may not feel in the future and take responsibility for the potential end of his marriage...How the fuck is he supposed to know how he will feel in the future? He knows that his marriage is on shaky ground given he and his wife want different things from their life/marriage. What more can the poor man do he doesn't have a crystal ball.

stan I completely see that, in most marriages, when one parent says 'I cannot cope with this' the other would immediately sit down and say 'ok, what can I do to help?'

And I guess that is the problem here... she is not being allowed to. By the ops own admission, there is very little relationship between his ex and current wife and, for a relationship which started when the son was 3 and involves a significant amount of care, I find it amazing that the new wife has spent so little time with this child.

i think if the new wife were more involved in the care her step son requires, she would have more appreciation of her husbands position.

I don't understand why the level of emotion is still involved in this.

What he has said in the past can't be changed. I'm suggesting that in the future he needs to be very clear and very honest that he doesn't want anymore children in any circumstances and that if he gives 'practical reasons' now she will likely focus on solving those with a view to having another DC rather than making their current life happier and more sustainable which really needs to happen whether they have another DC or he gets sterilised.

there is very little relationship between his ex and current wife

Of course there is no relationship!!! Christ how many new wives do you know that are friends with the ex wife there is no reason for them to have a relationship just the same way there is no reason for the OP to have a relationship with his exes new DH.

In regards to looking after his son there can be many reasons from a stipulation from the ex wife that only OP has full care of his son ( he requires nappy changes/bathing at 11 yo and given NW is not a family member it maybe to preserve his dignity) to the OP feeling that his sons care is so difficult and draining that to put this on his DW is unfair as she has a toddler to look after.

You cannot use this boys disability to make a point!! The wife should be able to accept that when her DH is telling her it is bloody hard and emotionally/physically draining she should accept what he is saying.

I agree with Offred. What he has said in the past can't be undone but he can make sure he is clear in the future. His wife has to make a massive, life changing decision. She will need his views to be crystal clear so that they both know where they stand now and what the future plan is.

Clearly you are a devoted father, doing absolutely the right thing to care for and provide for your son in very difficult circumstances. Those of us who haven't been in the position of caring for a severely disabled child cannot pretend to understand, and it's obvious that you are putting your child's needs first.

The urgent issue that you need to deal with is the relationship with your wife, because what you've told her has come as a huge shock to her. In your own words, in your op, you admit that you have been somewhat untruthful with her, as you have conveyed to her that you'd be happy if you had another baby and happy if you didn't. Regardless of the fact that your wife knew she was marrying a man who already had a disabled child, you say yourself that you have not told her the truth about not wanting more children. You have had months / years to process this decision, she has only just discovered the truth that you have kept from her. It's a shock to her, and it isn't fair for hundreds of people to pile on and shout about how selfish she is for wanting another child; up until a couple of days ago, her husband had hidden the truth - his conviction that he cannot cope with another child - from her.

Your wife doesn't have the right to demand that you add to your family, but I think it's reasonable to expect that she has a right to know the truth ; now that you have finally been honest with her, she also has the right to share a frank and open discussion with you about the feelings you both have, and the right to look at your possible future options together.

But he has made it clear!!! He has said no more children. He has also said he does not want to give her any further false hopes.
He has given reasons probably because she asked why....wouldn't everyone? Those who think the wife would just accept a " because I don't" without any reasons are deluded. No women would accept such a massive life altering confession without asking the question WHY. OP gave her honest answers not false hope. If the DW then fails to hear the I am happy with 2 I am happy as we are and instead tries to find solutions then she is not LISTENING to her husband and that is all down to her.

He made it clear 2 days ago - for the rest of the time he has led her to believe that he would be happy either when the subject of another baby came up.