She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

numbertwelve judging by the responses from some of the women on this thread about how having another baby is the be all and end all and nothing else matters - i'd urge you to be very careful about contraception and your dw becoming pregnant by 'accident cos the pill failed' etc.

Nasty assumption to make abut his wife sugar. OP has spoken very highly about his wife.

And sadly accidents happen, why plant the seed that if one happened, it might be intentional.

Another thing OP, I'd probably tread very carefully around the topic of DW not knowing what it's like to look after both. Simply because the reason she doesn't witness it much is because she does a shift pattern that significantly financially benefits your household. You want to try and keep the money side of the discussion as non-toxic as possible, given that her contribution is significantly larger than yours when you factor in the childcare. So that particular point is, well, a bit rich. No pun intended.

Also have you thought about how things would work financially if you did separate, and were paying maintenance for 2 DC? As DW does the majority of the childcare of DD, she might well become the resident parent. I'm not saying the relationship is inevitably going to dissolve because of this, but it might not be a bad thing to start thinking about the consequences and practicalities if it does. Better to be prepared.

amarmai Both you and bath have had posts deleted for breaking guidelines...

In case I don't find your new, improved thread, I wish you and your wife to find peace with whatever the decision, whichever way it goes.

Oh OP i don't envy you or your wife's position on this, it's hard to want the exact opposite of what your loved one does and there really is no suggested compromise without negatively affecting the other.

I hope you and your wife can go to counselling together to try and find some way forward.

It's funny how these posters don't feel the need to 'give a voice' to a DH when a DW is talking about their relationship.

Jdee41 - I agree with your point, and all those who are saying the wife is just as 'selfish' as the OP. BUT!!!!

There are two points which draw me back:

1. the OP was / is happy to accept support from the new wife, even though it must be obvious that the current wife WAS expecting to at least try for a child. It's beyond obvious that the current wife has been explicit in her desire for more children.

1. Yes, there are factors regarding a growing disabled child. But these factors are not so great that they have stopped the mother going on to have multiple children.

So, yes, the OP should pay CM. Yes, he should be involved. Yes, he has every right simply to say NO. I don't WANT this child. But, it's unfair to hide behind 'we can't afford it / life would be too stressful' as these lead to the current wife desperately trying to figure out solutions (as many have on this thread) when infact, there is no solution.

The fact is, the OP does not want another child. And that's absolutely acceptable. But it has to be said in those terms. And the OP has to accept that his wife may feel she was drawn in to contributing to a larger house etc., on false hopes.

This thread is fucking disgusting. Some of you should be utterly ashamed of yourselves and your nasty, poisonous 'opinions'.

I hope you and your wife find a solution OP, I really do. What some people fail to realise is that if you don't want another child, that's enough. You don't need to justify that, especially not to some of the vile women on this thread.

Bif I really don't get the disgust...

Of course, everyone has the right to change their mind. Say no. Of course they do. that is beyond doubt and, as far as I can see, has not been questioned. OK, I personally think he's led her on for his own personal advantage, but I could well be wrong and regardless, it's not my place to judge. He still, after everything is said and done, has the right to say no.

But, he does HAVE TO SAY NO.

Not blame it on finances (I'm still betting the ex has made it perfectly clear no futher reduction will be tolerated... if I am wrong, I am wrong...)

Not blame it on the demands of coping with SN child (his mother the RP has managed it)

Just man up and admit it: Out of all the things on my priority list, you're bottom. Because that, call me nasty, evil, poisonous whatever... THAT is how she feels right now.

I know. I have been there. And he isn't wrong and he isn't a bad dad. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Not blame it on the demands of coping with SN child (his mother the RP has managed it)

Just because one person can handle something better doesn't mean another can....what a ridiculous thing to say.

You keep saying man up and admit it HE HAS!!

He said no more children, naturally his wife wants reasons so he has given pretty valid ones. I don't think his wife just would accept because I don't.

He is fully aware of how much he has hurt his wife and his maybe/maybe not stance was because he didn't fully know and he didn't want to hurt her.

The OP cannot turn back the clock and your constant assumptions of how his wife is feeling and him being a cocklodger are of no help or support to the OP. I am not exactly sure what the point is to your posts apart from giving the OP a kicking.....nice Iam really nice work.

Oh and vile is what I would call you right now as you just will not leave the OP alone even though you have repeated the same bloody post over and over again.

What some people fail to realise is that if you don't want another child, that's enough

Erm, the problem has actually been convincing the op of this. To not give all the reasons. Because that gives his wife hope that the reasons can be overcome.

But what if she asked why? What if she need and constantly asked for reasons why.
I am sorry but I doubt very much she would just accept "because I don't" and say ok love no problem People don't work that way, people always want answers and reasons and if anyone says nope I would be happy if they just said "because I don't" then I would call you a liar

It isn't the OP that needs convincing it is his wife!.

But then if he didn't give reasons people (including his wife) would say 'but whhhhhhyyy? I deserve a reason'

You don't get it? I suggest re-reading some of your posts.

Poor OP just can't seem to win with some people who are like vultures picking at the bones of his argument

I agree Sharon if he had come on here saying my wife is angry because I said no more DC and she wants reasons and all I can say is because I don't AIBU? It would have been an absolute YABU she deserves to know why you are denying her another child.

But because the OP has given very valid reasons as to why he doesn't want anymore that is not good enough and he should just have said because I don't. I do think some poster live in a fucking fantasy land where real people with complex lives just don't exist.

But aren't reasons often a blend of practical and emotional?

I feel no huge desire to have a third child; DH would have quite liked one. If we won the lottery and had 24h live in help might that sway my decision? Perhaps, but it's not in the bounds of the reasonable so I don't formulate it that way.

Equally, if OP's ex moved abroad or OP won the lottery, he might feel different. Those things are vanishingly unlikely so he works with what he's got.

i was the one who veto'ed a third child for us, because it had serious implications for my physical health.. i risk permanent disability if i had another child because of lasting issues from SPD when i had my daughter.

When DH & I discussed it, i had to give it very serious thought, and then we found out DS had disabilites and looking after him, with my DD turned into a long hard, emotional slog.

So i made the decision i did not want another child and had to tell DH that.

Should i have just said "Sorry, Not happening" when he wanted another? No, because he's my partner, he deserves to know the reasons behind my decision... so i told him.. i would rather parent two children to the best of my ability and be healthy, than parent 3 while disabled.

Marriage is a partnership, when you want different things on such a fundamental level, you HAVE to have solid reasons for those.

If she wanted reasons, it would probably be to refute them.

It's ok to just not want another child.

I'm also not picking at op. So I hope the vulture comment wasn't directed at me.

Well put Skully

"You want another child?

I'm so sorry, I don't. I just wouldn't be able to cope. There are many practical reasons why I don't think it's a good idea, and I'm sure they would be solvable, but to me I don't want to solve them because I don't want another child. I love you and our family though and will do whatever I can to make you ok with this."

Slightly different to "sorry not happening" but also doesn't give false hope. But putting practical obstacles in the way does.

Yes because it is so easy to word things so eloquently when you are in a tense emotional situation

He hasn't given her false hope he has said he couldn't cope with a 3rd. If his wife has false hope she has done that to herself and she is not listening to what her husband is telling her....that isn't the OP's fault.

I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if this has already been said.
When I was pregnant with dc3 I felt that I didn't want to take precautions as I would be happy to have another dc. DH said that he felt he would struggle to have another so I told him to use contraception. However much I may have felt the need for more dc his opinion and feelings were equally as valid and I respected that.
Being honest is a good first step, how final your decision is will depend on your choice of contraception.

Good grief, what a mess.

OP I think your reasons for not wanting a 3rd child are completely fair and valid. I think it's good and decent of you to pay extra CM for your DS, and seeing as your DW consented to your financial arrangements from the beginning nobody should be using it against you.

Where I do think you've been really, grossly unfair, is in letting your wife get to the point where she was preparing to come off contraception with a view to ttc before you had this revelation and yanked the rug out from beneath her. That was so cowardly. What's worse is thanks to your outward ambivalence on the subject in her heart and mind she was probably already a few steps ahead... thinking that she'd have another child potentially in a year or so. Thinking about names. Picturing your DD with a younger sibling. And in one go you've shattered that for her, all because you didn't want to be the bad guy and have the difficult conversation. Fair enough you hoped you'd feel differently, you 'tried' to want a third child for her sake, but even if you'd been more honest about that from the beginning instead of the 'happy if we do, happy if we don't' line she would at least have had some warning. But she's been allowed to have this hope and expectation all this time, and it's only now she wants to make it a reality that you've been forced to tell the truth. It is this more than all the other aspects that makes me think that were I in her position, I would be bitterly angry with you.

I do hope that you and your wife can get through this.