She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

Upon reading further updates I have just realised (yes I am a bit slow on the uptake) that OPs wife is around for approx half of his access visits with his son. Of course she isn't coping alone with OPs son during those times as that would defeat the object of him having contact time. So although OP is coping alone 2 nights per week with both children it is better than I first thought. Would it really be that disruptive to work contact on the other 2 days around his wife's variable shift pattern? I think it would be less disruptive to his daughters bedtime routine and he could still have 4 evenings of contact per week, albeit with some flexibility on days.
None of that is reason to have another child but it might make the current situation easier to manage and be less disruptive on his daughter.
OP has already said that his ex wife would likely be amenable to working contact around his current wife's work pattern so it might be worth considering in order to make things easier in the long run.

Forgetting the dw want for another baby how is it going to work when you dd starts school and has homework/reading every night on the weekdays you have your ds and she's not getting home to bed till 8:20pm ?

Won't that have to chance then?

As a couple who desperately wanted more children but, for medical reasons was advised not to have them, I completely understand the wife's desire for more children. It was heartbreaking to give up that dream, but it was also much easier for me to accept not having another child as the reasons were rational and realistic to both of us. If my husband had continually pressured me to have another child, or made me feel that he had 'sacrificed' a dream to stay with me, I would have left him. But if his desire for another child was so strong that he chose to leave and find another woman to have that child with, I would have been heartbroken, but I also would have understood.

Twelve's reasons are rational and realistic to him and to many of us. Unfortunately, they aren't to his wife. Personally, after seeing how hard it is to care for a severely disabled child, I wouldn't have another child either, were I in his position. It only remains for Mrs Twelve to decide what she wants to do. IMO, at this point all he can do is apologize if he gave her false hope, reiterate his decision as unchanging/unchangeable (as is his right), and step back giving her the freedom to make her decision and accepting whatever she decides with good grace and treating her with the same generosity he's obviously treated his ex with.

For those saying change shifts, reduce maintenance, etc, it's the physical and emotional toll of caring for a severely disabled child, not the question of money that is at stake here. I daresay if OP had millions, he'd still feel the same. Because the 'cost' of caring for DS isn't calculated in money, is it?

There is NO solution to this problem that will make both parties completely happy. Or all of MN either, for that matter.

Why? I don't think 8:20 is an unreasonable time for a child to go to bed.
Will she have homework and reading every night at reception/primary age?

Besides none of that has anything to do with the fact that the OP does not want another child as emotionally and in part financially he doesn't feel he can cope.

My ds got reading and phonics homework every night from the second term at primary school they all did. As I said that was forgetting dw's want for another baby but genuinely asking how it's going to work on those nights he has his ds midweek and the whole night is taken up caring for his needs and driving around.

Horrible position to have to juggle.

I would like to reiterate... I don't believe anything on earth can or should make someone have a baby.

I am not (and never have on this thread) suggested that the OP should have a baby simply to placate his wife.

I am saying that he has (by admission) not told his wife his true intentions.

my point is simply that the current wife's reasoning for paying more now (in order to get a bigger house for example) is almost certainly because she was hoping for a bigger family.

And no12 - am I expecting your current and ex wife to have coffee? Umm... you are round there twice a week and see your child every weekend... Yes, I would expect more of a relationship than you allude to.

I would imagine she feels extremely left out (especially as it's something that causes you some grief). aybe trying to include her in how hard it is to parent DS would help.

I am sorry if you felt my posts were harsh... I did make it clear that I was putting myself in your wife's shoes and what my assumptions were...

I think there are a lot of things you could do to help, but putting up totally solveable 'problems' as to why you can't have a baby isn't one of them. If you mean no, say no.... the minute NO springs into your mind. Not a year later. When pushed.

The whole point of suggesting the op change some of the practical realities of his life was to make the 'physical and emotional' toll of caring for his eldest easier. If you are rushing around like a blue arsed fly that has a physical and emotional toll in itself. Not having to do that or reducing the amount you have to do does make the rest of the things easier to achieve. And I've said a fair few times that improving the present situation is a separate thing from the more DC or the sterilisation question. The op's current life is pushed and precarious - that isn't in anyone's interest.

just to point to those criticizing the OP for concentrating on his own concerns that that is exactly what is wife is also doing

Except she isn't. She's only just been told that he is refusing to have more dc. She hasn't had a chance to concentrate on her own concerns.

No12 - I think you need to make it very clear to your wife that things need to be worked on in terms of your lifestyle and work/life/childcare balance and that requires both of you (and your ex wife) making changes BUT NOT so you can have another baby. Just because things have to change.

OP I do wonder if there is a certain amount of you that is hiding behind some of these reasons because actually the fundamental thing is that you know you don't want anymore, you know you won't change your mind even if you won the lottery and magically had huge support with parenting your eldest and you just don't want to say that?

You know it is perfectly fine to feel that way if you do. If you hide behind 'reasons' either by 'protecting feelings', setting life up so it is not possible or by refusing to make changes, then you put the focus, for you wife, on changing your mind by removing barriers rather than accepting your decision.

Good lord the OP came in for some unjustified accusations during some horrible posts!.

On every previous post I have seen with women posting saying they don't want another child but their partner does - it is generally considered that the wishes of the one who really doesn't want/doesn't think they could cope with another child have to take precedence over the one who wants the child.

The OP has very valid reasons for not wanting another child and has done the right thing by telling his partner that. If she chooses to leave then that is something she must decide and the OP will have to accept.

But I haven't seen anyone demonise the wife nor seen evidence that the OP set out to stitch her up in any way.

I've seen many threads on here where the female poster said they didn't want another child. The reasons or history were considered irrelevant. It would be a non - negotiable decision because we're talking about bringing a human being into the world.

And it's not 'cruel' to deny a woman a child any more than it would be cruel to deny a man one. It's really, really not about what an adult wants when it comes to children. It's about the potential child and what they will need and want. And the effect it may have on existing children and the potential parents.

Having children isn't a 'right'. If the DW wants another child, it is her right to want one but she will have to either accept her partner doesn't and live with that however painful or leave and try to find another relationship.

pocketsaviour your posts are often harsh and insensitive especially towards men. Perhaps you could get off the 'deceiving your wife' bandwagon and try to see the bigger picture this time. Do you ever forgive anyone?

I have rarely read a thread where so much identifying info was given out by the OP. Do the dcs and wives not deserve any privacy?

Waltermitty

Her wish to have another child is no less selfish than his wish not to have one. There should be positive agreement from both before another child is conceived - if they are not both on board 100% then it should be off the table, particularly as there is an existing family setup to consider which would be affected by another child.

Iggi raises a good point, and one that I hadn't given full thought to. In the absence of being able to edit my posts, I'll be asking for deletions

OP you say that you don't want to compromise the care you give your two dcs, and that it "wouldn't be fair" on them for that to happen- But that happens to any child with a sibling, no one can give the amount of attention to subsequent children that they give to a first born. And yet children thrive in large families as well as they do as onlies. You seem particularly protective of your son, and that is easy to understand as he has such complex problems, that in themselves are "not fair" and he is the most vulnerable child. But being part of a larger family can sometimes be compensation in itself for less individual attention.
The basic "She wants a baby, I don't" situation is the toughest in modern life, because there is no compromise. I have been in a situation where I was the one who wanted a baby, and DH, then my DP, did not. I came very close to leaving him, but luckily for us he changed his mind, we married and have two children. Had he not, I would have had to leave him. You can't have half a baby, or a baby half the time, one of you will have to suffer to some degree to please the other. From my point of view, as a woman who very much wanted children, it seems as though your suffering would be for a shorter duration, and would come with enormous long term benefits, whereas hers would be lifelong, with no consolation. So to me it seems as though thinking of moving to a less expensive house, changing routines, waiting until your little girl is at school etc, and having another baby, is the way to go, but my view is of course a biased one, partly based on the feeling that no-one regrets a child.

The only other thing I can offer up is that children aren't static, your son's needs and those of your daughter and any other child will change over time and could make a huge difference to how manageable the situation is (or isn't).
I hope that whatever happens you find something you can both live with.
And I am curious, as your views are so fixed it seems, why did you post? Does that suggest that maybe you are also slightly uncertain about what you want?

Maybe he did want validation to how he felt, it's hardly a crime. When you are surrounded by the world and society with such a Neuro typical stance and response to problems, it's a wonder why though.

I hope you are okay op. It's a shame carers don't have enough safe outlets to discuss their problems, which are often unique. Life is difficult enough,so don't let the bastards get you down.

Book some counselling and talk it through properly with your wife. If/when you have time. Depending on which county you live in, you can apply for a carers break off the nhs which can cover things like counselling. Have a look on carers UK, they should have helpful information and details of your local groups/cafes

OP, your honesty and love for your wife and children come across in spades. I don't have any solutions to offer. While it must feel awful now, remember that people's feelings do change over time. As a person who desperately wanted - needed, in fact - to have more than 1 child, it took me a few years and a great deal of personal anguish to fully accept it wouldn't happen. It was no one's fault, just life. I truly hope you and your wife stay together without blame being involved. I hope what seems intractable today softens in the near future and some kind of meeting of minds can happen.

Jdee you'll see from my posts that I haven't said I think the OP is selfish for not wanting a child.

I have sympathised with him from the start.

But there have been many posts on here that have been harsh on his wife, IMO. That's what I'm referring to, not necessarily your posts.

Yes if there are practical reasons against having another DC when you both want one it would make sense to make practical changes.

Despite the OP implying that he would like another but 'can't' I suspect the truth is he is just sure he doesn't want any more as per my other post.

It is perfectly OK and it doesn't make you a bad person, bad father or bad husband if you have just come to the conclusion that you simply don't want any more children. Yes that is very hard for your new wife who does and yes she may decide having another DC is more important than her marriage BUT it can't be helped at this stage and it is much better for everyone involved to just be completely honest.

As with this thread, if you make it about practical reasons preventing it, your wife will not get the message that you have made a final decision about your fertility. She will continue hoping and working towards overcoming the 'practical reasons' you have given. If you are honest and upfront she can start to move on.

OP, I can absolutely see why you don't want another baby. I wouldn't in your shoes either. And actually, it doesn't matter why a person doesn't want more. There's no bad reason. The fact that they don't is sufficient. You shouldn't have a child you don't want.

However.

You admit you've 'strung her along for a year'. By doing this you have done DW a great wrong. The iron-cladness of your reasons for not wanting another are a separate issue to this, and they don't cancel each other out. It was a bad thing to do in general, but particularly so to a woman in her mid 30s. She might decide she can't stay with you because of that. That's possible. It wouldn't be the first or last time someone has left a relationship to have another child. You said you aren't willing to either lose your marriage over this or to have another baby to keep it, well that isn't a choice you get to make. This might be a deal breaker for her and you're going to need to prepare for that.

Also the issue of finances has come up a lot in this thread. I don't use the word 'subsidise' because it's loaded, but she's contributing quite a lot more to the pot than you are. It isn't just the extra £200 a month, but the extra 2 days a week of childcare she does. That's what, £80 a week she's saving you as a household. About £350 a month, on top of her higher wages. Now, there's nothing wrong with this setup. We don't all have the same earning capacity, or the same ability to work compressed shifts. It's not your fault she earns more than you and you aren't some kind of parasite. But the point is, if she's even at all angry or resentful about your behaviour, which she probably will be and with good reason, this is going to occur to her. It's going to sting, when one of the reasons for your decision is financial and you're paying more in maintenance to your DS. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't do that, just saying that clearly quite a lot of women would find that particularly galling. It probably is going to come up. I agree with PPs that some counselling is likely to be in order. And I hope you can find a resolution.

I can understand the giving of practical reasons, it's common with lots of relationships issues btw. But just like you don't need a 'good reason' to leave a relationship, you don't need a 'good reason' not to want any more DC. There may be plenty of good reasons in either case but what really matters is how you feel. No-one should be forced to be in a relationship they don't want and no-one should be forced into a baby they don't want. No matter how strong someone else's feelings are.

And, no, I don't think it's selfish to want a child!

If it is, then a very high percentage of us on this forum are selfish.