She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

you've got to accept that you wouldn't be in this situation if you'd been honest with your wife

He would have been in exactly the same situation, just earlier on.

Fourfox, because of how her working week is structured, I'd need a raise of a third in order for her to drop just one shift. It's impossible, unfortunately.

The Honey Badger - yes yes yes, everything you said.

when you think of another baby being there in the living room with you say numbertwelve, whilst your son needs his nappy changing or is in a real throw things about mood and a toddler is demanding help with some puzzle she's doing and a young baby is crying because it has woken up and feels hungry how do you feel?

maybe if you spell it out for people they'll start to get it.

i would feel like curling up under a table and weeping to be honest but maybe i'm another particularly selfish person.

The haterz on here seem to think that pushing yourself to the edge financially is a fine idea if biological urges are saying one more baby.

But no sensible person would actually do this. The OP already knows that life can throw curveballs. Redundancy? Loss of earnings? Ill health?

It's not just about not having a takeaway or cutting back on luxuries (although I wouldn't be willing to do either, and will defend my material lifestyle to the death) it's about having security and knowing that you have a cushion against future blows.

As is said EVERY TIME anybody questions someone for having multiple kids and being skint. Well how was she to know what redundancy is a thing? etc.

NumberTwelve, you have done the RIGHT thing by coming clean. Yes, you couldn't bring yourself to do it from the start, but it would've been far, FAR worse to have told her you didn't want a child/kept the fact bottled up inside AFTER she'd had a baby.

She'll appreciate this in the future far more than if you'd kept it inside and she'd found out when you were completely unable to cope with 3.

frankly there wouldn't be enough prozac in the world for me to cope. so from my corner i want to say well done for what you've done so far - being alone with your sons needs and managing with your daughter from babyhood till two for half the week whilst still holding down a job is marvelous imo.

Oh shit

Ok, is there any chance for her to change jobs?

Yes Honey, that's it isn't it? I know how I would feel at that prospect.

I may be wrong, but I'm getting the impression that OP feels unable to cope with another baby full stop. Which is reality, not weakness. His plate is already full, so to speak.

Which is why I posted earlier about money being a red herring.

Who benefits from the current arrangement? Who will benefit if the current arrangement breaks up ?
Hate how some women do the dirty work of attacking other women .
Love how clearly you see thru the smoke screens , Bathtime , and how clearly you express your insights. That makes you scarey to those who feel threatened and that's why you are being attacked.

Ok - if you were to earn more, are you in a job where you could drop some hours? Not go part time exactly, but sometimes even having a couple of spare hours a week might make an impact?

Some days it's bad enough as it is, bordering on impossible.

Midweek:
5.15, get daughter from nursery
5.50 get son from his mum's
6.20 get home. Force feed 250ml of fluid into, make dinner and feed him, daughter feeds herself. Get them both ready for bed, and in the car.
7.30 get to his mum's. DD plays downstairs with my ex while I go and brush his teeth, do physio, and put him to bed.
8.20 get home, put daughter to bed, start dinner

Throw a baby into that I'm fucked.

And yeah, that's 'only' twice a week. But it's bloody hard, and frankly barely fair on either of them to have so much messing about just so that I can have time with them both.

Have to agree that childcare is an impossibility for a severely disabled child. I run my own very flexible business from home - I probably earn a quarter of what I would without a severely disabled child.

There are other complexities - for example I can no longer take all 3 children in the same car. I can put two of them in, but not all three. Luckily ds2 & ds3 are old enough to be left alone (ds3 only for short periods). I'd never have predicted that a year ago. Raising a severely disabled child is really nothing like an NT child.

Tbh I admire those who recognise when they've reached their limit & say 'no more' & prioritise their existing children.

Did you read my post no12?

I really think you need to be looking at making your current life happier and more manageable whatever you decide. Discussing reducing the CM to what is required, moving to a smaller house so you aren't so overreached financially, your new wife becoming more involved with caring for your eldest, that kind of thing.

You both sound as though you are already pushed right to the limits of what you can handle, not just you and there also sound as though there are things you could do to make that better.

Future completely aside, your present seems to be a big issue to me. Your current life is unsustainable - for you carrying the burden of the eldest DC alone and for your new wife working the condensed hours.

Really you are already over stretched in your current situation. I think you need to take the pressure off making definitive statements about the future (both of you) and focus on sorting out the present so you operate more as a team and so you are not pushing yourselves to the maximum you can take.

i normally HATE the oh if this was a woman you'd all say differently accusations but in this case i think it applies.

if i a woman was saying 'i coparent a severely disabled child from my first marriage and have a second child with my now husband. i thought maybe i'd be able to come round to the idea of another child to make him happy but upon trying i've realised i just cannot cope with another child (and i look after the two three nights a week solo, with massive drives etc)' no one would accuse her of being selfish or manipulative.

OP I think you've been incredibly brave and responsible coming to this decision.

You sound like a good husband and father IMO. It must be bloody hard coping with what you have to on a daily basis.

If your current wife never has both children maybe she doesn't quite understand just how hard it is.

The can't/won't are just semantics and I don't think the amount of kids your ex wife has has anything to do with your predicament. There are 2 separate families here in terms of finances and ability to cope. Your current wife is IMO being selfish, putting her want (I don't agree that it's a need) above your current family situation.

I do think if the boot was on the other foot and you were a woman being pressured into having another child you wouldn't have been so harshly judged but that's the reality of a site populated for the most by women.

I hope you succeed in working through this difficult time.

What time does your wife get home from work on her shift days? Could you maybe just go to ex''s for bedtime/some play time but change it to 3 nights instead of 2? And leave toddler with your wife?

Not to have another baby, mind. Just to make things a bit easier?

Tbh I admire those who recognise when they've reached their limit & say 'no more' & prioritise their existing children.

Me too Saintly. It takes more balls to say no now than to go along with it 'for an easy life'.

Yes, poor bath, being attacked here for seeing through the smokescreen of a man who does a lot for his disabled son and pays over CSA for his maintenance. The sick bastard.

Completely 110% agree with Offred

Walter - if he does the the ex and other siblings get no disabled child/sibling free time at all. I know my younger boys love their brother's respite hours because they can chill out at home in a way they can't when he's there.

Completely 110% agree with Offred
Me too. Although "only" 100%.

I shouldn't come back... But I have.

Nothing to do with another baby.

Op when you describe that journey to ex's, does it have to be that way? I've probably missed something, but why can't he stay with you overnight and go back in the morning? Does work hours not permit it?

Do those nights ever occur when DW isn't working? What are her shifts?