She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

No.12 it's not really semantics if it's going to keep derailing your thread.

You won't have another for perfectly valid reasons. But if you keep saying 'can't' it implies you want to and so people will keep countering your reasons because they think they're problems you want solutions to.

Walter, I've said that in a world where my wife didn't have to work, I'd still have difficulties but we could potentially make it work. But that's not the world we're in.

WTAF is going on with this thread?

There are posters on here who are offering helpful suggestions. Isn't that the point of posting/MN in general?

Poor Number has a massive, multifaceted, complex problem. It is not straightforward. Now, very few posters have personal experiences similar to op's. All many of us can do is offer suggestions on particular facets. No ones experience is exactly the same - we can only try to help if we can.

But we need to know if Number is looking for solutions or if he is looking for ways for his wife to be ok with his decision. There is no point in criticising posters for trying to help, and it most certainly not ok to criticise posters for taking their time to offer potential solutions.

Is that to me, Mary?

I think you'll find that I was trying to clarify why I think people keep offering solutions and not being in any way sneery about it.

Walter, I've said that in a world where my wife didn't have to work, I'd still have difficulties but we could potentially make it work. But that's not the world we're in.

Yes, I know that. What do you want from the thread? Because there are a lot of cross purposes flying around.

OP, can I ask about DLA and whether that is shared between you and your ex or whether she receives it all as the primary carer (no criticism there implied). If it is the latter, and given that the DLA will be the maximum for both mobility and care )if it isn't then it should be) then could you access a small amount to pay for some extra help for your evenings in charge. I was thinking that as this seems to be the main stumbling block of you not coping, which is very very understanable, with another very dependent baby then perhaps employing a child development student to look after your daughter and baby while you have sole responsibility for your son might be doable? You and another willing pair of hands to play, help with the two younger ones while you still being there, making decisions and interacting might be a way forward?

I get where you are coming from regarding money. However, the drive and broodiness felt by your wife is going to plough through these arguments; to her 'baby or takeaway a fortnight' - there is no contest. Remember hormones and the drive biologically is a huge factor in her decision making now. I would never have believed this as the most un maternal person ever until I experienced this drive myself. In talking to her, I think it fine to discuss mortgage, big bills, food, etc but if it is just a matter of changing the holiday from hotels to camping, stopping gym membership, shopping at Lidl - then that's what she is going to be thinking and I think if you use this as part of your rationale then she may feel agreived.

You are at the most exhausting toddler stage with your daughter but that will improve. My son was five when his brother was born so was really useful at fetching nappies, watching the baby, etc. we never had any probs with fighting, etc. however, I think your wife does need to realise the reality for your daughter is that if you have another baby, it is likely that she will have to adopt the role of a young carer by the time she is five, either because she is helping with her younger sibling or keeping an eye, fetching, carrying for her older brother.

I wish you all the very best and hope that you and your wife can resolve this. I am sure you will as you sound rather fab so I am sure she is equally lovely and therefore sensible. If you do jointly decide that there will be no more then she will need time to grieve for the what might have been. It is like a mini death knowing that there will be no more baby and some women (and men) feel this more than others. I felt this a bit when my youngest was about eighteen months and realised that that was 'it' and I think my husband would have considered a third around that point in time.

I am projecting a bit and your wife might not feel this at all but just thought I'd give you another perspective.

Ah, thanks for clarifying!

I really don't want to be lumped in with certain posters on the thread!

Walter, numerous things. Principally helpful has been the potential insight as to what she may be thinking. Clearly in the months of thought, most of the proposed solutions have been mulled over already.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling

This, op, is the key. She has been honest with you and you have not been honest with her. You've lied to her and justified it to yourself by saying you're doing it to protect her. But you weren't doing it to protect her, you were doing it to protect YOU from the fall out of saying it. If you truly respect someone you do not do that. You did it out of unwillingness to have a tough conversation.

Kids are hard work.
Looking after a disabled child is incredibly hard work
You're perfectly entitled to not want more kids. That's how you feel, that's your position. I get that.

But...

You should have communicated that to your wife from the moment you felt it. She sees that she's told you from the off she wants more. She sees your ex wife who is resident parent have more. You've lied to avoid having that tough conversation and now that conversation has to happen, you're framing it in terms of her 'wants' vs your 'absolutely can't.' With no debate, and no recognition of the fact that you weren't straight with her from the start.

Honestly, I don't know where you go from here. You shouldn't have another child unless both of you are on board, that would be madness....but you've got to accept that you wouldn't be in this situation if you'd been honest with your wife and avoided talking about this to 'protect' her.

He "CAN'T COPE" with having another, is that ok?

Of course it's ok - but perhaps we can help to unpick why he can't cope with having another? Perhaps there is something that someone might be able to suggest that would enable Number to cope? Even if a coup,e of facets could be addressed, would he alter his decision?

Of course if Number isn't looking for suggestions and would prefer to just find a way of his wife being ok with his decision that's ok too but I think we need to know what he wants to get from this thread.

for owllady and the OP.

this thread is insane. all 'the deep psychological need to have a second child' trumps all stuff is bizarre. we are human adults, we have deep needs and desires for many things but have to also cope with reality and who/what already NEEDS us and relies on us rather than just what we want.

also yes, there are periods of strong urges for another baby but if you can't do it they come and go, the vast majority of adults cope, you deal with life not being everything you want always. there may be people who can't cope with that or experience it as some never-healing terrible wound but let's be clear that that is not a representative experience of dealing with the reality of not being able to have another baby due to financial or other pragmatic reasons.

also i don't get this 'she has been led to believe she'll be having another child' stuff. if you were with a man who sometimes said he didn't want another child, then when pushed would say well i guess the option is still open, and who looked after a severely disabled child as well as your shared child would you really interpret that to mean YEP, def having another baby

OP i could not cope with what you are doing (and i'm a single mum with health issues whose been raising my child alone from day one so it's not like i'm comparing from a bed roses) and i can totally comprehend how the thought of another baby tips it over from managing to feeling totally overwhelmed. please don't do something that tips you over like that - you have people relying on you and you also have the right to draw a line of beyond this point i cannot go or i will not cope

Walter, I've said that in a world where my wife didn't have to work, I'd still have difficulties but we could potentially make it work. But that's not the world we're in.

What about a world where you didn't have to work seeing as your wife earns more? I'm not saying that that would be feasible either as I don't know what your financial situation is I can't understand why you said 'if my wife didn't have to work'.

OP, please just be honest with your wife. Don't give any reasons relating to practical issues because if your wife really wants a child she will try to find solutions to practical issues. Please just tell her that you don't want any more children and that you haven't ever wanted any more children but have been trying to convince yourself otherwise.
I really think you owe her some honesty.
I am not berating you for your decision to not want any more children. It is your prerogative to not want any more children but I think as her husband you need to be honest about it and not give her any false hope by giving reasons for which solutions might be able to be found.

I think we need to trust OP to know whether he can cope or not.

he can't cope - it's a fact for him and a cry for help really to anyone with any compassion. it's a sign that actually caring for the infant like needs of an ever growing son at the same time as managing a baby for the last two years for half the week has been bloody hard work and whilst he may have managed it with grace and skill the thought of doing that again or adding in a third persons needs to that mix instinctively screams NO at him. when we ignore those instinctive NO FURTHER than this instincts that's where we risk nervous breakdowns and our complete collapse.

i'm at a loss as to how this is difficult for people to empathise with or somehow takes a backseat to some hormonal urge for another child.

Just curious but what if the wife changed her shifts or arranged childcare so that you would never be left with all 3 children? Would that change your mind?

Principally helpful has been the potential insight as to what she may be thinking.

She will be thinking, this is the man told me he was happy to have another child ("I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do") but in actual fact was being 'somewhat untruthful'.

Believe me, OP, she will be seriously considering her future with you. I think you made a big mistake by failing to be honest with her when you knew you didn't want another one.

She was ready, she planned it, she talked it over with you, she decided to stop contraception and try for a much wanted baby when, bam, out of the blue you say it's never going to happen.

That's the potential insight into what she might be thinking. I don't think counselling will help you here. Either she will accept it or she won't. There's no middle ground is there?

OP doesn't need to change his mind. He certainly doesn't need anyone to change his mind for him. That will help no-one.

What he may need is to understand the situation from his wife's point of view. Which I guess he now does!

On the work thing, we couldn't afford to lose more than 5% from any one salary, so reducing hours is absolutely not an option.

To the poster who asked about dla etc. Yes, his mum gets the full amount. They're not loaded, his salary pays the bills and a bit of saving from what I can gather. My cm overpay is only about £100 a month, and whilst it would make a difference to us, it would also make a difference to him.

i disagree to be honest - if it was me i'd be thinking i'd allowed my own wishful thinking and desires to ignore the fact that a man i know and love did not really want to have a baby, had said that a few times, but caved when i pushed. that a man who already was feeling overwhelmed with responsibility for existing children had tried desperately to go along with my desire for another baby but when push came to shove could not.

i may initially be in denial about all this but i'd know really and soon accept my mutual culpability in the fantasy that had been created.

then it would be up to me what i wanted to do about that but i couldn't really blame him for having tried to go along with something and then buckled at the reality of it.

so whilst you can say 'some women would feel x', you can't really say 'she will be feeling/thinking x'. we're all different.

Fairenuff - I'd agree with some of that, but not that counselling couldn't possibly help. It probably won't help her to suddenly stop wanting another child (will anything?), but it could help her to understand things from her husband's point of view.

It doesn't mean she has to accept it though, even if she understands.

Is there any chance of changing jobs/applying for promotion? It might enable one or both of you to reduce hours whilst maintaining your income?

Honeybadger is quite right to a degree, the words themselves can't have come as a surprise, but the finality of them will have done.

I have tried really hard to align my feelings with hers, but have failed