She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

Wayne, you get childcare vouchers while on maternity. Withdraw 2 year old from childcare until they get the free hours and keep the vouchers building up. That covers a chunk of costs. The op DID mention financial costs! It all helps.

I feel like shit and stupid now, honestly this stuff does help.

As would cutting out the takeaways and a holiday for a year. It can be done IF THE PERSON WANTS TO DO IT.

I get that he doesn't and that's fine but he needs to tell his wife!

Slithy, if a solution doesn't work, then it's not a solution.

The emotional difficulties of parenting an sn child aside - If my wife didn't have to work, then we could make a third child work practically, physically and financially. But she does, and so we can't.

slithy lets not play victim, I'm not being horrible to you, I'm being as straight with you as you are being with the OP. If you don't like it then perhaps you should rethink what you post to the OP?

He is telling us he physically and emotionally can't do it. Yet you're bleating on about child care vouchers and how it's obviously that he can't do it but just won't. It's not that simple at all. People have live in carers and still find it incredibly hard and stressful.

You duped me and you expect me to fund your lifestyle to suit you and your ex partner

Or, you know, his disabled son. FFS.

I think your posts are insensitive and obtuse slithytove. You dont seem to accept that the OP has said he cannot cope emotionally with another child. No amount of childcare vouchers will fix that.

Skully, he is saying no because he doesn't want another child. Those reasons are refutable and it's not kind to do that and I hope he doesn't do it to his wife.

I'm "banging on" as you so kindly put it because I'm responding to posters directly.

Nowhere has the op just said he doesn't want another child regardless. It's all reasons why.

super illustrated it well before maybe you could read that post to see where I am coming from*

I'll try again.
If it's a no, just say no.
Do not give reasons for your wife to try and overcome.

I think OP needs to change his language from can't to won't.

With dw and for here so people don't keep offering solutions.

I think the OP has been very clear it's NO.
He is trying to justify his no, but no justification is required.

I haven't read the whole thread but I javelin to agree with voluptuagoodshag (great name btw!)

I cannot believe some posters are being so critical of the OP who comes across as very thoughtful and caring

I don't have a disabled child and cannot imagine the strain that the OP must be under emotionally & physically

Childcare vouchers & 'cutting back on luxuries' are not going to suddenly make the OP's life a bed of roses!

Yes, I agree that children are of course worth making sacrifices for but having another DC needs to be the wish of both parents and they both need to be agreed that the sacrifice is worth it

YANBU OP

mmm.. i can see that

"My DH has told me he doesn't want another baby, just a point blank no, and he won't tell me why"

That doesn't cut it in a relationship, you can't make life changing decisions without having a bloody good reason.

YY. And the justification is actually making it worse!

I have a teenager with similar needs to the OPs son. You can't get childcare for them, it's impossible. Even paid care professionals often can't cope. Even the special schools they go to can't cope. It really can be an overwhelming situation to be in. Until you have experienced that, it seems clear from this thread alone, I don't think it's worth commenting.

If I was being objective, I'd say maybe he opS wife could help out a bit more with his care, but I think that's unfair. But it is something she could do, if she wanted, to relieve some of the pressure because believe me SS don't want to know, especially when they are under 13.

This thread has made me really sad 5 weeks into a 7 week holiday :( life long care means that. Life long. It's not a few years sleepless nights and disruption to work patterns. It's forever.

Have not javelin!!

I think OP needs to change his language from can't to won't.

Exactly.

What am I posting nasty to the op grays!

That a no is fine but don't give false hope? I've never once criticised his choice, just his approach.

And you are picking apart what I'm saying. Im "bleating on"? Delightful. You know fine well I'm not saying childcare vouchers makes dealing with a disabled child easier. Op gave MANY reasons, I've offered ways around SOME of them as I suspect his wife will. I have not offered one sodding way to cope emotionally because I'm not a dick and don't talk about what I don't know.

So stop getting at me. same goes for you George. I'm not being obtuse. I'm trying to get OP to understand how his wife would feel if presented with list of reasons instead of a simple no I don't want one.

You're right Maryz - it's not all going to happen. But I suppose the question is that if some of it happened, would he still feel the same way.

Number are you looking for solutions or are you posting because you want to find a way for your Dw to be ok with your decision? Either reason is valid, but it would be useful to know what it is you want from the thread.

Gosh this is a mess isn't it.

TBH I think you need to both forget making a decision about more children right now.

When you split from a spouse the thing to do with regards to finances is to ensure both partners end up in a fair position and that does take into account their new lives. I get that you op feel you should contribute over the odds in terms of CM because of your son's increased needs but to me it seems pointless and very counter productive when the reality is that your ex wife is financially able to be a SAHM to 3 DC and has paid off her mortgage with an inheritance AND your new wife needs to work so hard just to keep things ticking over. It isn't balanced correctly. Your ex wife also no doubt gets the DLA for your son and other possible support as the primary carer too.

I think all this needs sorting out before you even consider more children tbh. You and your new wife seem to be living difficult lives in order to provide extra financial support to your eldest which doesn't appear to be needed. The CM calculations are worked out based on what a NRP can afford to pay - paying more than you can afford seems like making life difficult and for no reason other than feeling good about yourself if the money is not actually practically needed.

I wouldn't want my ex to be struggling like this to pay me over the odds when I was comfortable.

The other problem is your new wife's place in your family. The current arrangement seems to be very disjointed - you don't share the practical burden of your eldest by the sounds of it and that makes no sense to me. You are a family, I think you need to behave as such or your wife and younger DC will begin to feel like an add on to your primary family with your ex wife in either one or both of your minds. It isn't a good set up.

None of this has been helped by the 'trying to protect her feelings' stuff or by the great declaration of 'I can't' as though your current life is utterly fixed.

I get that your eldest's needs are the most significant issue to you but the rest of your life is very much within your control and I think needs sorting out first before you even begin to consider either TTC or permanent sterilisation.

I think it's time to confront these two issues, preferably together and work out how you can actually make your current life more manageable.

I don't think a new baby is even the issue.

Kids are definitely worth making sacrifices for.

Only some of you are expecting the OP to sacrifice his health, mental stability, relationship with his son and daughter, and financial stability for the sake of another child.

That's too much of a sacrifice, and one that no sane person would make or expect another person to make.

Childcare vouchers & 'cutting back on luxuries' are not going to suddenly make the OP's life a bed of roses!

FFS I HAVENT SAID THIS

please all of you doing it stop saying things in my posts which aren't the! It was one fucking suggestion to help afford a maternity leave IF OP WANTED TO.

It's always been can't
It's even in the thread title!

walter 'perhaps she wants to see if there's someone out there who wants to have a family with her.'

She already has has a man who wants a family with her and in case it somehow escaped your attention She already has that family. She has a child of her own and a stepson, who she always knew would be a big commitment financially, practically and emotionally. WTF are you talking about?

This thread is fucking UNBELIEVABLE.