She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

This thread has gone insane!

It is just going round in circles now getting IMO nastier for no reason and people not knowing the dynamics or feelings of the people involved.

But it always happens like this!!

So if OP is ripping away his wife right to have control over her life does that mean if they have one she's ripping control away from him?

Or does it not work like that because he's a man?

Is your wife OK?

Op, could you afford your current CM if you and your wife split up?

Also, I think this reduce the quality of time I'm able to spend with my daughter; commit to having five years of zero spare time and no disposable income, we could have another baby. But I'm not prepared to sacrifice all that. Yes, it is selfish - but I'm putting the kids I've got first

Is definitely selfish, and isn't putting the kids you have first. It's putting you first.

I agree with OhFourfox:
*I do understand what you're saying, and I do understand how much thought you've put into this. But what you're essentially saying is that you have 2 children yet will not allow her the same.

If I were your wife I'm afraid I would have to seriously rethink the future.

Also, how do you feel about your dd potentially being the only one around for your Ds once you have departed this world? And dd potentially being left alone with no family?*

However I do think your wife should agree to spend more time with all children if you did agree to have another.

This has become very polarised.

You and your wife have my sympathy op. It must be very difficult.

Do you both have money left after paying all bills and necessities etc?

Frippery money I would call it?

I think they do, slithytove, based on this:

I'm not financially controlling. She earns more, puts more in, and has more left over.

I have to say I don't get it.

Does your son attend a school and is it travelling distance from you? If so couldn't he just stay at yours more so you aren't doing your evening care of him in someone else's home? Then CM could be legitimately reduced, and DW would be there at least some of the time to help.

Your daughter will only get easier in terms of independance.

Being time limited isn't a given and if you and your wife operate some give and take, you can have spare time to yourself. As for finances, only you know those, but for the sake of 5 difficult years for you I think you are being terribly selfish denying your wife this. And potentially your daughter too.

OK, I have said over and over... this is not simply to do with whether they have a baby.

This is to do with whether one partner can at best 'string the other one along' and at worst lie about their intentions.

This is to do with whether one partner can force an upper hand because of an ex wife and previous child.

This is to do with whether one partner can demand how the money, earned jointly, is spent.

This is (IMHO) to do with the fact that the OP has a lovely little set up going on with his ex, which requires him not to further reduce the agreed amount of money (OVER CSA, lets' remember) which leaves his current wife pretty much out on a limb, but working to support it... ANd him being unwilling to sacrifice his current lifestyle / level of free time to have another child.

NONE of this is unreasonable to the OP, to the kids or to the ex.... but, come one, it must be obvious that the OP's current wife (who is working her ass off to provide more than her fair share, see's her husband's ex having more kids and gets the whole 'my life is so hard' from the husband...

I'm NOT saying he's wrong to say no. But, I can see why the wife would be right royally pissed off about it - AND be thinking about the whole set up.

HE DIDN'T STRING HER ALONG. HE CHANGED HIS MIND!

That's what I thought George.

So if there is money left over, how on earth can't another child be afforded. I think that's a red herring.

Op, I think you are either depressed and can't see the wood for the trees, or I think no matter what, you don't want another child whatever the circumstances.

If the latter, that's totally fair and your choice, but be honest. don't give your wife the reasons you have given on this thread as she may think there is hope if she finds solutions.

If the former, consider counselling or a gp visit. It sounds like you are overwhelmed with life right now and might benefit to talk it through.

What the fuck is wrong with paying OVER the measly amount CSA recommend to support ANY child, let alone a disabled child?

Christ almighty.

It's not like the OP's wife is at the pin of her collar - he said she has earns more than him, contributes proportionately more to their joint account, and has more left over.

FFS.

I'd be pretty gutted if we had agreed to have 2 kids together, I desperately wanted to, and my husband told me no because he didn't want 5 years of making ends meet and no free time.

Kids bring so much more worth than that.

George there is nothing wrong with it.

What is wrong is using finances as a reason not to have another baby, when the person who wants another baby helps to make that increased CM payment possible.

This thread is shocking.

Some posters seem to want to attack the OP just on the basis that he is a man and defend his DW just on the basis she is a woman.

There are so many posters just projecting their own issues on the OP.

bathtimefunkster I think we'd all be better off if you fucked off from this thread and drunkenly emailed which ever ex you are angry at

^^ and this! It's clear some posters are just projecting.

I haven't read the whole thread OP as some of it was making my blood pressure rise.

I think your ex wife's family is irrelevant, apart from for the care aspect for your son.

I completely understand how you feel. Our eldest has severe and complex disabilities for reasons of unknown causes (ie every test was negative) she's 16 this year. We have another who is 14 but decided to stop as we felt financially and emotionally that's all we could cope with. My husband also has an ex wife/child but that was completely irrelevant to any decisions. For me it was taking into account could this happen again? ( the disability) and no one knew. We did actually have an unplanned third, but it's not all romance and roses between the siblings :o so I think sharing the care is tosh really. I expect mine to care about, not for, when their sister s older

Your situation is far more complex than some of the replies you have received. Respite is difficult to get too. It won't fit around anyone's situation, it will be random. We all have our limits and I think you are sensible.

To all these people accusing him of being selfish, would you honestly say the same if a woman had come on here and said" I'm struggling with a severely disabled child and a toddler but my dh insists on a third. I had originally indicated I might be willing but I've now changed my mind as I don't think I could cope".

Would you honestly tell her that she was being selfish, controlling, and looking for an easy life???

This thread really does highlight how ignorant people are about caring for a child (or adult) with a severe disability. It's really shocking :(

God, yes, what Jux said ^^
Some of the posters on here are the ones infantilisng OPs wife! Any woman in a relationship with a man who has an existing child with severe special needs, and who is somewhat noncommittal on the subject of more than one additional baby would have to have her hands on her ears going " la la la" not to realise that the final decision might be "no".
Which is not to say that it isn't a really hard thing for her to process and accept, but this idea that a woman must have a baby at all costs is frankly insulting to women.
And it's not like he refused to procreate with his Dw-they have a wonderful little girl together!
Some of the frothers on here want to get a grip, it's fucking terrifying.

I'd be pretty gutted if we had agreed to have 2 kids together, I desperately wanted to, and my husband told me no because he didn't want 5 years of making ends meet and no free time

I'd be pretty gutted if my partner forced me to have a child when I'd told them I was struggling and didn't feel able to cope with another.

You're ignoring the fact he's said he's struggling, and instead going on about the money and free time.

But that's me, I don't put an imaginary baby before the thoughts, feelings and health of the family I've already got.

Quite nulgirl and it gets harder ime, not easier. 5 years ago a toddler son with a severe disability is different from an 8 year old (and unfortunately alot different to a 16yo) it's harder work, their size is very much an issue. You are also getting older yourself. I'm 37 but I find it really hard work, I'm unsure how older parents cope. Of course it's all an issue. Life isn't always how we planned it

Exactly nulgirl

Firstly, I apologise for not acknowledging the numerous messages of support, good wishes and advice. I’ve been drawn into battle with a couple of posters, but I do appreciate your words.

Just a note to those who say I’m making a decision to give myself a comfortable – or more laughably, easy! – life.

If you get five minutes, just do a little wiki search on the following terms. “microcephaly”. “diabetes insipidus” “West’s Syndrome”. Maybe after that, get a five stone bag of potatoes, lift it from your car and take it home. Wash it, feed it, make it drink, bathe it, dress it. Put it back in your car, drive it somewhere and put it to bed, while you’ve got a typically amazing, energetic , and fun loving toddler that also deserves your time.

Next time your phone rings, imagine how terrified you feel when you instinctively think that this is the call, where you’re told that your child has had another epileptic fit, and this time he banged his brain-damaged head. I may only have him for three evenings and one full day out of the 7 evenings and two full days available to me – but I’m a full time parent to him.

Look at those conditions. Think seriously about how difficult it is, as well as being a supportive, hands on and committed dad to a toddler.

Then tell me I’m, controlling my wife’s life by saying that I just can’t take anymore. That two hundred quid a month means she’s subsidising my easy life. Tell me this is all part of some fucking masterplan.

If I wanted the easy life, I’d leave my wife, see my kids on the same days, double my CM commitments and get a little flat and have more time and more money. But I’ll never do that because I love my family, no matter how difficult it can be.

I absolutely accept that by not actively discouraging her from wanting another baby, I’ve probably strung her along for a year. But if you think I’m a liar, a manipulator, I’m fleecing her, I’m taking the easy way out, I’m controlling, or that I’m a bad husband to my wife and father to my daughter – all accusations that 2-3 people have levelled against me – then I’d like to offer you a great, big, stinking and deserved “fuck you”.

Those that have suggested practicality/financial workarounds in order to give her what she wants, without resorting to denigration – again, thank you. I appreciate your thoughts

Did the OP say anywhere that they had agreed on 2 children?

In any case, is he not entitled to change his mind? In light of how difficult he finds balancing the needs of his two existing children?

The financial aspect was a secondary reason, according to the OP. It's just that some posters here have jumped on it in an attempt to make him out to be financially abusive.