She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

Number12 - and her assumption was 2 children.

An assumption you let her live with for well over a year.

NumberTwelve - if I was you I would leave this thread and mumsnet as there is no point arguing with some of the people of this thread. People seem to be projecting their backstory onto you. You seem like a loving dad trying to manage a difficult situation. I wish you and your family best of luck and hope you can find a solution which works for everyone involved. Please don't think that some of the comments on this thread are representative of the wider female population. We aren't all crazed "baby at all costs and screw the implications" types.

Good luck.

So correct me if I'm wrong. You remarried a women who was fully aware of your situation, you both then made the decision to have have a child together. You've had that child and have previously discussed the idea of MAYBE having another child one day. However reality has now hit and you've realised that won't be possible?
You haven't done a damn thing wrong. This happens to a lot of people. You have an ideal scenario in mind but when the practical parts of life happen you need to reassess. Your wife will be upset but you haven't misled her at all. She just hasn't had the answer she wanted. Also if she chooses to rip apart your family for the sale of another child I think she's an idiot and wont have your daughters best interests at heart. Just her own selfish wants.
When she's calmed down try and have a rationale explanation but make it painfully clear that this isn't going to change.

What nice to haves has he listed that only he has Iam did I miss the post where he lists every penny he spends on himself or is that you just assuming again

If you don't want another baby, you pool household income and take care of your son from a previous marriage you're an abusive person who doesn't treat their partner equally apparently.

Some of you are absolutely vile, and the behaviour you've shown towards the OP suggests to me perhaps that in real life you are abusers. Manipulating, twisting words, gas lighting...

The thread is descending into madness.

Look, it shouldn't matter what your ex does but this is a hugely emotive subject so the wife can't always be expected to think clearly and logically.

As a result, my wife does make a larger financial contribution to our joint account

I know you've clarified the above, OP but I think you're being very naive. It's stuff like that ^ that could start really bothering her. Illogical though it may be.

Just think; you have what you want. Ex wife has kids dropping everywhere. The only one who doesn't get what she wants is your wife.

And yes, she knew you had a child. But you knew your child had these difficulties too and you still had another one.

Let me be clear; I don't think you're being unreasonable. I feel desperately sorry for you both, I just don't know how considerate you're being of your wife's valid feelings.

She's stumping up the cash, without complaint it sounds like, she does more than pull her parenting weight with your dad and yet she's ultimately the one who will suffer.

You speak very eloquently about your own feelings, you speak with admiration for your ex...you don't sound (to me) that bothered with your wife!

NumberTwelve it's not me who should be ashamed of myself. What's disgusting is treating a spouse who contributes more than half the household income like someone who is in no way an equal partner. As someone else pointed out you are treating her like a child. And you are clearly not prioritising her or her needs in any way. You think that's fine, plenty of posters think that's fine too, clearly. I don't. You asked if she will leave you, I expressed the opinion that in her situation, I would. You can't treat a spouse like a minion.

*you clearly can't read, or are choosing not to. Tell me, if I earned £100k, and she earned £30k, would it, by your reckoning, be OK for us to only buy a house based on what she could afford half of? The difference between our wages is about 15%. Taking into account even only three legal minimum cm, it's over 20%. The difference between our contribution is about 11%. I'm not living the life of fucking Riley on my wife's money. I'm not financially controlling. She earns more, puts more in, and has more left over.

To be brutally honest, if the situation was reversed I'd be more than comfortable with cm coming out of the family pot, as he is after all part of our family. *

What an awful thread. Some posters should be ashamed of themselves.

OP, you're allowed to change your mind about how many children you want.

Hence her unreasonable shift pattern that means poor diddums is left minding his own two children by himself, while she doesn't frequently enough for his taste look after her daughter and his son simultaneously.

And when DS is there at weekends I imagine his wife gets on with caring for her own DD and spending quality time with her, while the OP's time is mostly taken up with the complex needs of his son.

So his wife has no inkling of what it would be like caring for two children one of whom has complex and intensive needs, ALONE for prolonged periods, and even less of an idea of what it would be like doing that with third small child there as well.

Because she isn't the one doing it now, and she won't be the one doing it then. He will be.

At the moment all she sees is the OP caring for his son when she is there weekends and evenings to take up the slack with her own DD. The workload she experiences when both adults and both DCs are there is 50% of what he experiences when he's alone with both children, because of the difference in the adult to child ratio.

I think it is the assumptions that astound me the most Grey apparently now the OP spends all the money on himself on trinkets and gadgets and his lifestyle is fully funded by his wife! Baring in mind he has said countless times his DW extra contribution is only £150-£200 per month.

I don't get this at all. I earn twice what my husband does, we both work full time. I am not subsidising him, we are a family! We have one child. I would like another; DH would not. So we are not having another unless he changes his mind. This is entirely unrelated to the money conversation, except that he thinks we cannot afford a second child. I do not agree, but at the end of the day, if he does not want a child, he doesn't want one. No other argument wins over this, not the sibling one, not my 'special' position as a mother or a woman (which I think is bullshit personally). We are not entitled to have everything we want in life. I am grateful for the child I have and the husband I have. It is a shame, but life does not always go the way we want it to.

It isn't disgusting Number12. It's spot on.

You don't want to sacrifice your comfortable lifestyle so that your wife can have a baby and your daughter a sibling. Selfish.

Your wife is subsiding you proving your ex wife with a more comfortable lifestyle, your ex wife who has the largest share of looking after your son and is pregnant with a third child and yet you cannot see that. You cannot see how that would bite. No wonder she said 'If they can do it so can we'.

This has nothing to do with your children and everything to do with you being unwilling to look past your own needs. I'd leave you for that alone.

OP you say that you are not prepared to lose your wife over this but what would you do if she said she would rather separate and have a chance to have another child with someone else than stay with you and sacrifice that desire?

You don't want to sacrifice your comfortable lifestyle so that your wife can have a baby and your daughter a sibling. Selfish.

What sort of sodding lifestyle have you imagined for the OP? He works all week and when he doesn't he's caring for his daughter and his disabled son. Now you want to force him to add another child to that to the mix, despite him not being able to cope, just so the wife can fulfil her child bearing/rearing dreams.

Iam EXACTLY. I am bemused by he number of people on this thread who think it's ok for the OPs wife to have no say in her own life, and to be treated as a source of income and no more. My issue with the OP is not the possibility that they can't afford another child - maybe they can't - but that he doesn't think his current wife is entitled to any say in her own life. He expects her to compromise on something that he seems to think is very important to her but he doesn't seem prepared to compromise on his own priorities at all. The comment about zero free time was very telling, I think. Most working parents of small children have zero free time.

OP should also consider that if they don't have another child his wife may well decide to cut down her working hours. If she was been working such punishing shifts because in her mind she is trying to create a sound financial basis for another child, and then that reason goes away, where is the incentive to maintain such a punishing routine? And what then?

Did you wife come back yet op?
Be kind to her.

I stand by the assumptions I made on this thread.

I do not believe the OP is someone who has come to a lightbulb moment and realised they cannot have another child.

I believe the OP has carefully thought at which side of his bread has the most butter and chosen accordingly.

I've been completely clear about where and how I came to this conclusion.

OP - I will say again, you do sound like a good dad and no one should ever be forced to have a child they are not ready for (and, I will say again, I actually had a termination because my DH found himself in exactly that situation) but, I will also say, I think you are treating your current wife very badly and not with the respect she deserves given what she is contributing to your lifestyle.

She is set on another baby
you say.

I think you have a lot of talking to do, to each other
and I wouldnt come back to mn. the thread is too long for starters

What sort of compromise is possible when one person wants another child and the other doesn't, Uhtred?

none of the reasons for not having another child are of her making

Yes they are! Are you saying ds suddenly came into existence after she and op got married? Materialised out of thin air to her when it was too late to go back?

OP's son was there long before that. She must have known about him, and she must have known that a profoundly disabled child requires a completely different level of care and attention than a NT child.

Don't infantilise her. She chose to marry op, with his son. Her decision, hers. She could have dumped him, long before it got to this stage, but she didn't. She knew he had a child with SN. She knew what this would mean.

It may have taken her some time to come around to the idea that she really really wanted two children of her own, that one of her own and a dss actually wasn't enough.

She has responsibility for her own situation too, where they are now is not entirely down to op. There are two adults involved here.

I am bemused by he number of people on this thread who think it's ok for the OPs wife to have no say in her own life,

I am as equally bemused by those that think OP should have no say in his own life. The DW is not funding his lifestyle it is an extra contribution of around £200 per month hardly a fortune and by no means enough to fund another child.

I am bemused by he number of people on this thread who think it's ok for the OPs wife to have no say in her own life, and to be treated as a source of income and no more

Hahahahahhha

you're insane.

The only thing the OP has said no to is another baby. Now this has transcended to her having no say in her own life?

Perhaps you'd prefer it if OP had no say over his own sperm.

So if OP is ripping away his wife right to have control over her life does that mean if they have one she's ripping control away from him?

Or does it not work like that because he's a man?

So if OP is ripping away his wife right to have control over her life does that mean if they have one she's ripping control away from him?

Or does it not work like that because he's a man?