Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

She wants another baby. I can't.

999 replies

NumberTwelve · 17/08/2015 21:59

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

OP posts:
DaysAreWhereWeLive · 18/08/2015 10:33

This is what MN is becoming.

OP appears needing support and advice.
Thread is then derailed by arseholes picking apart every grammatical error, questioning specific words used, deliberately misunderstand what the OP is saying, and generally fill up the OP's thread with unhelpful, self-obsessed, projecting bullshit.

OP, I'm sorry you came on here and had such a hard time from a few dicks. For what its worth, I think you sound genuine, a great dad, and a man grappling with a dawning realisation.

I hope it all works out for you.

StanSmithsChin · 18/08/2015 10:33

Because the ex has two kids

So what, that is none of new wife's business. The exw is able to have more children due to large inheritance and her new DH's financial contribution. The OP only pays for his son he is not paying for his exes other 2 DC.

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 18/08/2015 10:33

Again,What Uhtred said.... what I wanted to say, just more eloquent than my posts!!!

backonthewagon · 18/08/2015 10:33

If the OP has his DS only on days when his DW is around then his DW can look after their two DC and he only needs to cope with one child not potentially three.

Or the 2 of them can work together to look after their 3 children? There is no need to split the family up into OP and his son and DW and her 2 children.

Lweji · 18/08/2015 10:34

OP isn't doing 'the right thing' he is taking the piss and taking advantage of his wife (financial abuse, really).
I have a very short tolerance for abuse and have been accused of being abuse trigger happy, and I think this is just laughable.

Original poster
NumberTwelve · 18/08/2015 10:35

UhtredOfBebbanburg

I agree with the PP who commented that OP sounds like a good dad (to his son at least) but not a good husband. I think it's quite telling that he believes his CM contribution is fair and appropriate. It sounds neither fair nor appropriate from the POV of his current wife and daughter. But I can totally see how it is fair and appropriate for him and the people he prioritises (who don't include his current wife or daughter). It's a horrible position to be in and I'm glad it's not me in that position - but in the original post the OP asks if his current wife might leave him. I would. Not necessarily because of not being able to afford another child (it's perfectly possible that they just can't, financially, and as other posters have pointed out, this happens all the time) and not even because of the dissimulation on the part of the OP (some people just are ostriches - if he is one, his wife probably knows that already). But because of the not treating like an equal partner thing. His wife has no say in her life. She is expected to stump up more money than the OP to support the life he wants which is materially different to the life she wants. I wouldn't be prepared to do that. Whatever the size of my financial contribution, actually.

That is fucking disgusting, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

OP posts:
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 18/08/2015 10:35

Stan - he is paying ABOVE CSA on someone else's paycheck.

Not wrong to want to pay for your child. Wrong to do it on someone's money and VERY wrong to then tell that person they don't have enough money for a child of their own.

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 18/08/2015 10:36

Go on, then number12 - how many of my assumptions are on the money?

StanSmithsChin · 18/08/2015 10:37

But this isn't just financial Ultra it is emotional too. The OP doesn't feel he can emotional give to anymore children. That is a perfectly valid reason not to have anymore. Would it be such a terrible thing if it was a women coming on and saying she couldn't emotionally provide for another child? I think if the OP was a women the responses would be much more supportive which disgusts me actually.

NoahVale · 18/08/2015 10:37

have you thought about the scenario of a full time sibling for your dd, with your new wife?
I think it would be nice for your DD
and two can amuse themselves together.
An only child, which is what she is effectively, needs more organised activities and stimulation, from what I can gather.

Lweji · 18/08/2015 10:38

I bet his current wife would think hos contribution fair and appropriate if she had the disabled son. And so would the pps who are criticising it.

StanSmithsChin · 18/08/2015 10:39

IAM he was paying above the CM because he could financially afford to, he reduced those payment when his second child came along. The amount they are now paying over the odds is not enough to out right afford another child and why should his first child get less. How is that fair?

Original poster
NumberTwelve · 18/08/2015 10:40

Stan - he is paying ABOVE CSA on someone else's paycheck.

Not wrong to want to pay for your child. Wrong to do it on someone's money and VERY wrong to then tell that person they don't have enough money for a child of their own.

*no, I'm not. We have made financial commitments (house, car, living) based around what we are able to contribute to the family pot. She has marginally more money available, and makes a marginally larger, but proportionate contribution to our joint account. If she wanted us to pay an exactly even figure, we'd have just bought a smaller house. But we made a decision based on what we could afford.

OP posts:
nulgirl · 18/08/2015 10:41

I am horrified by some of the responses here. A man with 2 children including one who is seriously disabled is being called selfish, lazy, financially abusive and a bad husband because he has said that he can't cope with a third.

This is mumsnet at its absolute worst. I've never said this but you can bet that if the OP had been a woman and the husband had wanted another then the responses would be different. This ridiculous notion that a woman's urge for a baby trumps everything does womanhood absolutely no favours.

Lweji · 18/08/2015 10:41

An only child, which is what she is effectively, needs more organised activities and stimulation,

Not necessarily, if I'm to compare my only son with his cousins.
Both second children are attention seeking and demanding.
They actually put me off having a second.

StanSmithsChin · 18/08/2015 10:42

I bet his current wife would think hos contribution fair and appropriate if she had the disabled son. And so would the pps who are criticising it.

^^This

My DH and I decided on 3 children. We ended up with twins on the 3rd pregnancy so 2 to 4 was a massive change. It happens so how would the OP and his wife cope then?

UhtredOfBebbanburg · 18/08/2015 10:42

NumberTwelve it's not me who should be ashamed of myself. What's disgusting is treating a spouse who contributes more than half the household income like someone who is in no way an equal partner. As someone else pointed out you are treating her like a child. And you are clearly not prioritising her or her needs in any way. You think that's fine, plenty of posters think that's fine too, clearly. I don't. You asked if she will leave you, I expressed the opinion that in her situation, I would. You can't treat a spouse like a minion and expect them to be happy.

takeinyourhen · 18/08/2015 10:42

Just to say that surely the CM amount was discussed when the OP and his wife became serious, when they moved in together and started a family. To split the household income into what he earns, what she earns, what he pays CM and what she has to pay extra into the household to make up for his CM payments is rediculous. Surely when you marry somebody with a child from a previous marriage, the CM payment is a payment as a family, not "what HE pays for HIS child from HIS former relationship"??

backonthewagon · 18/08/2015 10:43

My DS is an only. Not by choice just because it is taking a long time to conceive DC2. He is a lot of hard work. He is happy in the house if he has friends over but otherwise he gets bored very quickly and wants to go out somewhere. We stayed in yesterday for the first time this summer holidays because I needed to do a thorough house clean. It was a nightmare!

My friends children are happy to stay at home playing because they have a playmate in their sibling. Yes they argue and fight from time to time but generally they play together nicely more than not.

I also think of the implications of having an only child when we are old and need looking after. I have seen my only child friends bare the burden of being the only one to do visits and care for their elderly parents, the cost of nursing homes, the emotional side and worrying with no one to share it with. It's not something I want my child to have to do on their own.

GraysAnalogy · 18/08/2015 10:43

If Mumsnet is a representation of life then I don't want to be on this planet anymore.

There's been a lot of good posters here, but the sheer number of batshit crazy ones is Shock

StanSmithsChin · 18/08/2015 10:44

I agree with the OP Ultra

GraysAnalogy · 18/08/2015 10:44

NumberTwelve it's not me who should be ashamed of myself

No I agree, you should be ashamed of yourself UhtredOfBebbanburg.

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 18/08/2015 10:45

Stan - I don't think he SHOULD reduce his payment to his son. I think HE should cut back on some of HIS nice-to-haves to pay for it. Not expect someone else to earn it for him. And then tell them they don't earn enough to do what they would like to do.

Lweji · 18/08/2015 10:45

UhtredOfBebbanburg

WTAF?

Morebiscuitsplease · 18/08/2015 10:45

So sorry to hear your post. I think in fairness to the OP, he has tried to want a third child, sometimes you have a feeling and it takes time to reach that decision. Especially when you know that the news will not be well received.
I think counselling could help you both,

Good Luck