She wants another baby. I can't.

[NumberTwelve]

Not sure why I'm here tbh.

My wife and I, both mid thirties, have been married for a little over a year, together for nearly five, and have a daughter who is just over two years old.

From my previous marriage, I also have a son, who is 8. My boy was born brain damaged, and is non-communicative, can't walk very at all, and has a few other related illnesses. He's a wonderful boy, happy, fun loving, and affectionate. But clearly given his disabilities, looking after him is frequently challenging, and often heartbreaking. I have him for tea and take him home to put him to bed twice midweek, with at least one over night stay at the weekend, sometimes two. I'm very lucky to have such great access, and a good relationship with his mum.

My wife is set on another baby. Until now, my conveyed opinion has at best been "I'd be happy if we don't and happy if we do". Non-committal, and somewhat untruthful. Often I've said I don't want one, but it's soon been upgraded back to Non-committal to protect her feeling.

I don't want another baby, and told her so this evening. Because of her shifts, I'm often left with both kids on my own, and whilst I absolutely love it, it's very hard work, balancing their two very different needs emotionally, medically, and from a dependency perspective. I just couldn't cope with another one thrown into the mix. My son is only going to get bigger, heavier, more dependent on me, and I'll always be there for him. My little girl is the light of my life, and I love the time I'm able to spend with her. The precious time I have with both would obviously be diluted with another child. Allied to that, I frankly couldn't cope with the three of them on my own, which would happen quite frequently.

An additional barrier is financial. We plain old can't afford another baby. We have a nice life, decent income, but the last week of every month is always very tight. Granted, one might say we waste money early in the month, but I would say we enjoy a decent quality of life. The added financial burden would make the whole month like that last week. I feel we both work too hard and too long to go through that.

My wife very, very rarely has both my son and our daughter alone, and when she does its for no more than an hour. Despite my telling her, I don't think she truly realises how difficult my life can be with the two kids I've got. Rewarding, obviously - but very much at the limit of what I can cope with.

She's just driven off to be alone. I know that what I've just told her has broken her heart. I know that in many ways it's selfish. But it's not a subject that families can truly compromise on, is it? One party is forced to accept something that they don't want.

I've tried to want a third child, but I just can't. I'm so happy with how things are - difficulties notwithstanding - that I just can't actively want that to change.

It kills me that I'm doing this to her, and I fully expect to be the bad guy on here. I don't really know why I'm writing. Just a sounding board I guess.

Cam a woman ever recover from this? Will she leave me? Is not wanting a baby anymore selfish than wanting one?

Thanks for reading. Abuse away.

If the OP has his DS only on days when his DW is around then his DW can look after their two DC and he only needs to cope with one child not potentially three

I don't know if you know much about shift work but this would be hard. There would be absolutely no routine, and I doubt very much his ex-wife would agree to it. Shift work is notoriously unpredictable. Mine change week to week, any day of the week, days or nights... His contact time should not be dictated by her shifts. It is not fair on the child.

How is 60/40 'the lions share'? That suggests the wife does far, far more, rather than 'just a little bit over a 50/50 split'.

If OP works 9-5, mon-fri and OPs wife works 3x13 hour days then their DD is in childcare at least 3 days a week. OP has his DD alone 3 mornings/1 evening and his DD and DS 2 evenings. Wife has DD alone 2 days. They have shared care at the weekends, which includes the OPs DS.

That sounds pretty equal to me, and a very sensible way to split the childcare in a working family. I would be very happy with this scenario and the thought of adding another child to that mix would fill me with terror.

If head and heart are in competition without a winner (because there will never be a winner in cases like this) then eventually the emotions have to be taken out of the picture and the practicalities used to make a decision.

That's probably the way ahead OP, and lots of people have advised this - you need to have a completely practical conversation and see if there is any way that another child would work. Maybe seeing it in black and white will help both of you.

Actually greys it's what my Dh and I do too. Which works well, when both parties largely agree on how to spend the money.

But, it would be fair to say - his wife thinks it's possible to afford a baby.

As for the not wanting to be involved, as a SM of 17 years standing, I have NEVER met a SM who was prepared to work in order for her husband to contribute a realistic sum who didn't want to be involved in other aspects of their lives.

So why can't you see how ridiculous the point you're trying to make is then

And how would his wife think it's possible to afford a baby? By denying another child of the money?! What sort of tosser would think like that.

Actually OP - what do you want from us? Although we can give you our opinions on your position, you're going to have to live with the consequences of your decision. Hopefully the responses here will give you some food for thought, can you take some time out to think about it properly?

Me, IAm. DH became a SAHD when we had DD. His CSA contribution dropped dramatically when based on only his pension. I topped it back up with my full time wage, happily, because DH being at home with DD saved us money but DSD didn't suddenly stop costing less.

If the OP has his DS only on days when his DW is around then his DW can look after their two DC and he only needs to cope with one child not potentially three.

In real life that just wouldn't happen. DW would then need to take 1 or both children everywhere with her and meet all their needs on her days off. This would be very difficult especially when they are all at home and I would imagine would cause a new mum a degree of stress to have a DH in the same house but unable to help her with their 2 children. It would be effectively splitting the family which is not a way forward.

Gah. start costing less.

Sorry Greys when I worked 'part time 5 days into 4' it was always the same days I was off. Probably proper shifts are different.

And how would his wife think it's possible to afford a baby? By denying another child of the money?! What sort of tosser would think like that.

Sadly many "new" wives think the first children should stop existing when they have their own, you see it often on the SP boards

No, Greys I think you misunderstand me.

I don't think he should pay less... and I don't think anyone should be forced into parenthood (As I said, I actually had a very traumatic termination many years ago as my DH couldn't have coped with a baby)

I think what's so unfair here is that it's all about him.... that's where my assumptions are drawn from.

There doesn't appear to be any communication from him to her, even though she has patently communicated her feelings to him.

That's what I think is so unfair.

Since when do we enter relationships having to declare exactly how many children we are going to have and sticking to it? OP has hardly been stringing his wife along for years, their dd is only 2.

Dh and I always said 3 children. When it came to it, I wanted 3, he felt he couldn't handle more than 2. It hurt but wtf? Did he not get a chance to change his mind? What if I had wanted to stop at 1 - should I be forced to honour the agreement?

I would also suggest that not knowing if you want more children is a perfectly valid stance when your existing one(s) is tiny - the baby stage is pretty intense.

Sorry, meant to add: The fact that SHE is earning more to keep THEIR lifestyle up just adds insult to injury.

I do not think she was really deceived completely OP never said he actively wanted another child he has varied between no and maybe( non-committal) his wife must have realised that there was a least a chance of the "no" being the answer; she was hoping he might go from non-committal to yes but did she really have any evidence beyond hope that this would be the case?

Maybe OP should have made it clearer earlier but at no point does it appear that he said I really want a second child ( 3rd for him) with you and then changed his mind. Taking a year after the birth of DD to decide is reasonable

For that matter his wife could have said earlier having a second child is really important to me when you ( ie OP) say maybe to you think you will mean yes at some stage? or does maybe mean you don't know yet? or does maybe mean probably no?

Sorry, meant to add: The fact that SHE is earning more to keep THEIR lifestyle up just adds insult to injury

So what!!!

Would it be different if HE earned more to keep up their lifestyle which in many relationships that is the case. Why is that insult to injury?

So tough. No experience of caring directly for a disabled child, but I do know what it entails - work teaches me a lot. DH and I have one DD - she was a hard-work baby, I had PND. Before having her, I thought I wanted lots of children, close together in age - I changed my mind. It does happen. We went through periods of time where we seriously debated whether it was worth risking my mental health to have another. DH was always convinced we'd have more than one; I was not. After waiting two years, I sort of wanted another (practicalities determined timing - I was coming round to the idea of putting myself through it all again). Two miscarriages later I realised how much I did want a second and we conceived our son. He was stillborn. Now, I want another like never before.

One thing to remember, is that she will (presumably) have mat leave, so you won't be alone with the baby and the two existing children much in the first year.

To arrange access to my son on a weekly, non-routined fashion around the constantly changing shifts of my wife isn't really practical. It could/would mean too many blocks of days of contact/no contact, and tbh I'd emotionally struggle with effectively shifting his routine around the kids I live with.

To be clear, I've never explicitly encouraged the need for a third child. I do accept that by taking my time to come to the right decision, it could be perceived as stringing her along for a year.

And yes, of I was prepared to juggle my son around her shifts; reduce the financial contribution to his upbringing; reduce the quality of time I'm able to spend with my daughter; commit to having five years of zero spare time and no disposable income, we could have another baby. But I'm not prepared to sacrifice all that. Yes, it is selfish - but I'm putting the kids I've got first.

Also surprised to see so many advocating I reduce cm payments. I can imagine how this thread would go... "in the last four years, my ex husband has reduced his cm payment for our disabled son by half so that he can have more kids, and completely changed his existing contact arrangement to fit around his new family."

I agree with the PP who commented that OP sounds like a good dad (to his son at least) but not a good husband. I think it's quite telling that he believes his CM contribution is fair and appropriate. It sounds neither fair nor appropriate from the POV of his current wife and daughter. But I can totally see how it is fair and appropriate for him and the people he prioritises (who don't include his current wife or daughter). It's a horrible position to be in and I'm glad it's not me in that position - but in the original post the OP asks if his current wife might leave him. I would. Not necessarily because of not being able to afford another child (it's perfectly possible that they just can't, financially, and as other posters have pointed out, this happens all the time) and not even because of the dissimulation on the part of the OP (some people just are ostriches - if he is one, his wife probably knows that already). But because of the not treating like an equal partner thing. His wife has no say in her life. She is expected to stump up more money than the OP to support the life he wants which is materially different to the life she wants. I wouldn't be prepared to do that. Whatever the size of my financial contribution, actually.

Because the ex has two kids, the OP has the life he wants and she's working to fund it, yet being treated like a child.

How is your wife today OP? Did you talk about things any more after her drive?

Oh come on Bathtime...just because his ex wife goes on to have more children that shouldn't mean that the op should do so too! You simply cannot decide to have a child just because your ex has more than you do.

OP, your reasons are totally valid.

You cannot bring a child into this world simply to supply your daughter with a "whole" sibling, or to give her a bond with someone who isn't her brother, or because he has more siblings on his mother's side (facepalm) or to help care for your son when he is older (what a stupid comment 'yeah, we only had you so you could help care for your brother'- parent of the year award for that one).

You've lied your way into a baby and a marriage with a woman you knew wanted more than one child. Oh please!!! Talk about stirring the pot! The op had no idea how he would cope with a child with disabilities & a baby. Once he had care of both, he found it hard & exhausting, so much so, he, knowing his limits, decided that adding another child into the mix would not work for him. That is actually to be admired. He could have another child to appease his wife & end up resenting it, and leaving. How would that look then? How would that affect his family, his new baby, his finances & his life?

OP DOESN'T THINK HE CAN COPE WITH ANOTHER CHILD.

I hate hate hate this mentality you see here from selected posters who expect men to fall at the feet of woman & give in to her every whim.

This is a life we are talking about. You can & DO resent children. They feel it, they live it for the rest of their life. It ruins your relationship with that child.

I wanted at least 4 children before I had any. Once dc 2 was born, I felt that I had enough to deal with & didn't feel adding to my family would benefit anyone. So I didn't have any more. Life has a habit of changing your ideals, the cards we are dealt change dynamic when you start adding more cards to the hand. You see that you have a big enough hand already & stop, because one more card can mean you drop the whole fucking lot.

That is what op is avoiding doing.
His prerogative.
Same as it would be if the roles were (and are often) reversed.

I can imagine how this thread would go... "in the last four years, my ex husband has reduced his cm payment for our disabled son by half so that he can have more kids, and completely changed his existing contact arrangement to fit around his new family."

There would be calls for your head on a stick OP

you first child will remain the same, demanding but heavier, your daughter will get easier op.

your daughter may well appreciate an ally as well