Should I go to lunch with this man?

[secondchapter]

I was happily married for 25 years and widowed. Although I had a couple of boyfriends whilst at school, have never done the whole dating thing as an adult. I think that I am a terrible flirt; I enjoy talking to men. Anyway, I was in my local pub (real ale bar, quite civilised) and a regular who was quite merry at the time was chatting me up and asking for my number. I resisted giving out my number, saying that it was complicated but I did agree to meet him for lunch near where I work this week. Anyway, am I mad to go? He is quite entertaining, though quite a bit older than me, retired and with a 1970's attitude to physical contact in the pub (which I told him off for) He often has a younger woman on his arm, I know he is divorced. I have made it clear that this is lunch and that I am not ready to be out on the pull.

You see that is what I worry about. I have no intention of catching him. Is it not possible for men and women to be just friends, and have lunch without complete strangers thinking that you intend to shag them afterwards?

There are other friends out there too. This is an acquaintance with a predilection for groping women in public: I wouldn't want to get to know him any better!

Carry On meets Mills and Boon.

You would find it hard to be friends with a man who clearly fancies you. Platonic friendships are very rare and don't usually start with flirting in a bar with the man groping your bottom- even if you were mildly annoyed at that.

You need to wise up and start by being honest with yourself. If you are as inexperienced with men as you said, then this is why you are currently behaving like a schoolgirl.
You are flattered by the attention after a long marriage, but you seem to review this as a conquest - showing that you can attract men- even those you don't want.

For a woman who must be around 50-ish your naivity is shocking.

Of course You can be friends with arse grabber. I guess the question is why are you so keen?

You can have lunch without strangers thinking you are going to shag, of course. I imagine that arse-grabber thinks that's the plan though.

It sounds like you want to be the one who tames the womaniser. He becomes your great adoring flirting pal while shagging the young ladies.
If that's what you want, go for it.

I'm laughing at the last line of your original post- you explained this was lunch only. What exactly did you say to convey that?

The point is- what's in it for him? Doesn't sound as if he is short of female admirers or company, so are you such a catch he should be 'just friends' with you?

You need to look at your behaviour. Having been married for 25 years and no previous relationships of any sort, you have no idea of the dating game.

Don't go to bars (alone?) and flirt because that gives out signals even if your protest that you only want friendship. Men judge by what you do and how you behave not just what you tell them.

There are names for women like you in some men's vocabulary- the first begins with c and the second with t. Go figure.

You are a grown woman and should throw yourself into life. Life isn't about being perfect or only entertaining people that are absolutely right for us - every lunch, outing, night out, new acquaintance can teach you something, give you a story to tell or if nothing else, confirm to you exactly what you don't want! Life is for living and experiences and not for hiding away. Go have lunch, talk, laugh and have fun. If he crosses the line or makes you uncomfortable - walk. Or you might have a really fun afternoon. It's that simple.

I don't go to bars alone. It is sexist to suggest that women should not go to the pub. Why shouldn't we? It is a neutral place to meet up with friends. I don't flirt intentionally, I just truly enjoy talking to people. No need for the names, pink

Have lots of fun! As much as you ( only you) want!

I didn't say you or any woman ought not to go to a bar alone- you're assuming things. I did say that IF you happened to be drinking alone and were being a terrible flirt- your words- it would give out signals to some men even if you didn't intend that.

There's something very immature about your post. You seem to be saying in a very coquettish way ' I flirted terribly, got my bum pinched by this older guy and he's asked me out for lunch.'

You seem unable to make a simple decision over an invitation without consulting strangers on the web.

If you want to have lunch and fend off his obvious advances, do so. If you don't want to and want male friends, then flirting in bars with known womanisers is not a good start.

I still maintain the OP started this as a 'wind-up' and she didn't geninely want our answers to her question: "Am I mad to go?" A lot of us took the bait but surely it's run its course. Au revoir deuxiemechapitre.

I wonder if the first chapter was any better?

I don't think platonic friendships are rare. I have a number of very good male friends. Life was much easier before I was widowed, because I understood the rules/ was clearly not available. Sometimes I think it is women I don't understand.

What is it about women you don't understand?
Is it that most (by no means all) women would prefer to avoid a man with 1970s attitudes to consent?

Are the platonic male friends men whom you knew as a couple when you were married- and are they married too?

IME I have never ever known any platonic friendships between two single people (man and woman - straight) because IME one usually wants it to be something else and is invested in trying to make it so.

I know others have different experiences but that's mine, looking at friends' experiences over the years. All platonic friendships ended in tears when one party confessed they wanted more.

Anyway- you're being a bit silly. This guy isn't wanting platonic- he wants bottom slapping/ pinching and a flirt with you. You know that so stop wanting to talk about it any more, because you sound as if the attention has turned your head.

Some are halves of couples we knew together, yes, but some are friends of mine dating back to Uni, or even friends from when I was at school. Some I have met more recently but they are proper friends from clubs I go to, or men I have worked with and none of them have problems with boundaries. You are making a lot of assumptions. This was a serious thread. Was a serious question as I was already thinking lunch with this particular guy was a bad idea. I've been quite upset by some prejudices exhibited on here.

which prejudices?

How old are you? You must be almost 50. Is this really such a dilemma?

You have carefully avoided engaging with any of the comments about your own behaviour - ie "I think I am a terrible flirt; I like talking to men"

So which is it? On the one hand you protest that you have plenty of male friends but on the other you imply that your conversations with men are flirtatious.

What about looking at your own behaviour and the signals you send out rather than focusing on some comments you don't like - so you decide to call them 'prejudices'.

You have also admitted that you have never dated 'as an adult' and it's showing. Seriously!

If you flirt in a bar with a lecherous old geezer who pulls younger women and agree to lunch with no doubt a flirtatious 'That's all you are getting' comment, (which he may take as a challenge) then what on earth do you expect?

He clearly hopes you're up for it. And then your comment that you want to 'tell him off when he is sober'.

What do you hope to get out of the lunch? Fending him off for hours, putting him in his place or reforming him? Or an ego boost that you are older than his usual squeezes so it's worth it for that?

Start asking yourself some serious questions.

My only prejudices are arse-gropers with 70s attitudes (and perhaps a little bit the women who think they are great fun.)

I'm not interested in going out with men to teach them good manners.

Do what you like, op, but - going purely on what you've said - I don't like this one much.

He'll want a shag though

He sounds 'entertaining' in a Benny Hill kind of a way.

If that tickles your fancy, personally I'd run a mile (wearing suspenders in a weird speeded up chase).

no no
Sid James surely?

chasing Barbara Windsor

Ooh I say!

Deffo expecting his just desserts LOL !

I think some of you are mean. Pink you are making things up about me which are not true, but I don't have to justify myself to you. Some of us are very clear on our own boundaries.and can do platonic with men.. When I say I am a terrible flirt, just that. I am terrible at flirting. I talk to people and occasionally they take it as flirting, that does not mean I should stop talking to people. I should not have posted in relationships, I remember now.

Oh I see. It's semantics and grammar now that is the cause of the assumptions?
It's taken you 150 posts from people to work that one out!

so being a 'terrible flirt' [semi colon] 'I enjoy talking to men' really means 'I am terrible at' flirting'. Usually a semi colon (after flirt) means that the next clause adds to the former, so one would assume that 'terrible' here means a real^ flirt.

But have it your way. You clearly like coming back to deny your behaviour but don't actually answer any of the points people make. So be it.