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Original poster

Should I go to lunch with this man?

174 replies

secondchapter · 16/08/2015 22:40

I was happily married for 25 years and widowed. Although I had a couple of boyfriends whilst at school, have never done the whole dating thing as an adult. I think that I am a terrible flirt; I enjoy talking to men. Anyway, I was in my local pub (real ale bar, quite civilised) and a regular who was quite merry at the time was chatting me up and asking for my number. I resisted giving out my number, saying that it was complicated but I did agree to meet him for lunch near where I work this week. Anyway, am I mad to go? He is quite entertaining, though quite a bit older than me, retired and with a 1970's attitude to physical contact in the pub (which I told him off for) He often has a younger woman on his arm, I know he is divorced. I have made it clear that this is lunch and that I am not ready to be out on the pull.

OP posts:
chippedrippedandstinking · 17/08/2015 15:21

No, not at all. AF don't try and put words in my mouth. Im just saying I think the OP should go, and there's a different way of interpreting this kind of behaviour.

Jan45 · 17/08/2015 15:22

But why would you even want to put yourself in a position where you are batting of a man's hand every time you drop the salt - in all seriousness we are not in the fifties any more, men who have respect for a woman as a person really don't behave like this.

He's already got form for having various ladies on his arm, you're really just another one of those, funny how they don't last isn't it....

KurriKurri · 17/08/2015 15:23

You're having to ask whether you should go to lunch with someone? That speaks volumes to me, if I am comfortable with someone, I wouldn't be angsting over a lunch invitation I'd be happy to go without seeking advice.

On the other hand if someone was a bum groper I wouldn't be angsting over it either, I'd swiftly file him under 'fuck off perv, eat on your own' and go out with one of the many nice people in the world.

Listen to your inner wankerdar.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 15:23

I am not putting words in your mouth

You are doing a great job of that all by yourself

chippedrippedandstinking · 17/08/2015 15:26

"man hating ? hysterical ? frigid ? humourless and weak"

AnyFucker They're all words you're trying to get me to agree to. But they're your words not mine.

No row from me today if that's what you're after. I've had a Valium. Grin

AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 15:31

take another Smile

your cries of "I despair of MN" "This is misogyny ! < sic >" "Just put these men back in their place, I can do it, it's easy" belie your justifications somewhat, chipped

AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 15:34

Those terms are what women who have a problem with this kind of male behaviour are accused of. Over and over again. Women like you are part of the problem, I am afraid.

You didn't answer whether your (hypothetical) 14yo dd being subject to unwanted sexual attention would be ok.

Tucktalking · 17/08/2015 15:36

You are not comfortable. You can not even trust him with your number. Use your time for a better person. Someone who does not make you doubt your dating skills. You don't need him entertaining you either. You seem happy on your own until events take a natural turn and you meet someone more like yourself. He seems to be on the rebound since he is divorced. You would be better off without having lunch with him.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/08/2015 15:40

He sounds absolutely vile.

Everyone has their level, I guess. I'd prefer not to spend time with a grown man who has to be told not to have a '1970s attitude to physical contact' around me.

themadwoman · 17/08/2015 15:43

I say do it. What's the worst that can happen?

AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 15:47

you reinforce to men like this that women like having their arses groped uninvited ?

RandomFriend · 17/08/2015 15:54

I wouldn't go for lunch with a man who had been touching my bum uninvited. Don't go, OP. Go for lunch with someone who respects your boundaries instead.

amarmai · 17/08/2015 15:56

if you want to have some fun, that's entirely your business ,op. you do not need our permission .

themadwoman · 17/08/2015 16:00

He also can't be that bad if there's always a younger woman on his arm. He sounds like a lot of fun

LoisPuddingLane · 17/08/2015 16:00

He probably lives with his mum anyway, like Stan in On the Buses. And you'll end up having a fully clothed fumble on the sofa until his myopic sister walks in and hilarity will ensue.

Iflyaway · 17/08/2015 16:00

Well, if you've never dated I would go just for the experience and pay for my own.
Not as a "date" but getting together for lunch with someone. Especially if that person is still stuck in the 70's....

Then I would don my feminist hat and tell him why it's inappropriate to grab a random woman's bum. At least it would make for an interesting meet-up and hey, he might learn something!

Then I'd be going back to work thinking NEXT! Grin

As for any talk down the pub, as pp mentions, who gives a fuck? Really.

LoisPuddingLane · 17/08/2015 16:01

wankerdar

My new word of the day. Thanks Grin

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 17/08/2015 16:12

Men are not like rocking horse poo, they aren't some highly-prized endangered species, so why on earth should any woman give a second chance to a bloke who thinks it's OK to touch a woman up?! No way. Next. There are plenty of men out there who can behave well without being reminded.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/08/2015 16:14

He also can't be that bad if there's always a younger woman on his arm. He sounds like a lot of fun Hmm

Is this even mumsnet?!

Lottapianos · 17/08/2015 16:20

Oh OP, he sounds seriously foul. I agree with other posters - if you're having to convince yourself to do it, and talk yourself into it, there's something not quite right. You can do much better than this.

Shocked and grossed out that so many women find groping acceptable and even funny. I'm afraid I agree with AF that you are part of the problem, not the solution.

flashfalshflash · 17/08/2015 16:29

If you don't mind me asking, how much time has passed since you were widowed?

The reason I am asking is that it can take a while to feel normal, ie years, and you can be emotionally vulnerable and not know you are. Obviously it varies between individuals but it is something to bear in mind.

I am also a widow and did make some misjudgments when I put a toe back in the water.

If you had to tell this guy not to touch your bum, he sounds like a bit of an arse as a lunch companion, to be honest. Or as a friend, or as anything.

As everyone keeps saying, there are nicer people out there...

Joysmum · 17/08/2015 16:37

We teach our children that anything covered with underwear should not be touched by anyone else, it's inappropriate.

pinkfrocks · 17/08/2015 19:12

I dated in the 70s but not sure I know what the OP means. Did I miss out terribly?

Original poster
secondchapter · 17/08/2015 20:24

Oh I'm so glad I started this thread, it has given me a laugh in places and flagged up some serious issues as well. Trouble is, now I start to want to defend him, because from what I see, he is usually an entertaining chap who has plenty of female company. When I said "younger women" I meant younger than him. As I said, he is retired (about 60) and his younger women are all able to look after themselves I would have thought, certainly no one younger than 30. He doesn't look 60, has been known to organise community activities, and until the other night I thought he was a gentleman, a well spoken, retired professional. Anyway, I have no intention of dating this chap and have told him so, as well as pointing out to him that bottom squeezing could get him on a sexual harassment charge. He is too old for me and I have possibly got my sights on someone much more suitable, when I feel ready to. I may still do lunch with this man, as I would quite like to tell him off again when he is sober.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/08/2015 20:34

"tell him off" ?

you sound a bit too, er, invested in him

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