H left kids on my doorstep knowing I wasn't in

[CookiesNookie]

I don't even know how to begin but I'm still fuming almost 3 nights later.
I started a thread last week struggling to get through the days since I split from my husband 7 weeks ago after discovering his affair.
Here is the link www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2440840-6-weeks-since-Ive-discovered-his-cheating-how-do-I-go-on
So the next day he turned up almost 3 hours late picking the girls up. Initially I wanted to give in and not meet with him for a meal as I just couldn't trust that he will keep it up.
He messaged me again after picking them up apologised for being late and numerous excuses and asked for one more chance to meet us later for that meal to show the girls we can get along.
We went to one of the girls favourite places as their is a park they can play at. For everyone else we probably looked like a normal couple. It was so hard I really struggled but I could see my babies were having fun and I persevered. We "chatted" about he girls and DD1's current body changes at age 7. Discovered she had hair under her arms and not sure what exactly I need to do to remove as being mixed race especially I didn't want her to have dark underarm pits like mine from shaving since age 12.
After our meal they wanted to go to the bigger side of the park to have a proper play. I stayed for 40 mins and said my goodbyes to them to start my walk back to my house to get changed to go to the gym.
He was fully aware of my plans as I mentioned it to him the night before and at the time that I kissed them goodbye.
Walked home quickly got changed and left. I then got a call from him to tell me to turn around and collect the girls from the house. I was a little confused and asked him what he meant and he said he has plans tonight and I have to turn around as they are all at the house but he is on his way to his new place. I of course thought he was just joking and demanded he put them on the phone or I walk to his work and embarrassed him. He just said "Oh well Social Services win" I stopped someone in the road to confirm with him on the phone that I wasn't near the house and asked him to put my kids oh the phone. He works not very far from the house.
In total I was away from the house almost 20 minutes by then. I then got a text message from my neighbour/friend who has kids similar ages telling me that she has my girls and she wasn't 100% sure what's happened but it seems like he left them on my doorstep.

I was of course fuming by then. When I got to hers she explained that they were on their way out for her sons swimming lessons and she was just upstairs when the doorbell went and DD1 aged 7 was still crying telling them that her dad dropped her off at the house and drove off. She asked DD2 age 4 to stay by the house whilst she crossed the road to see if neighbour was back from the their holiday.
Our houses are terraced houses with our front door almost on the road. Steps up to the front door. The opposite side of the road is different and friend isn't immediate neighbour she is 100yards down the road with her own garage and front door on the side meaning you can't see her door. She needs to stand on the pavement to see mine. So for that time my DD2 would have been totally on her own in floods of tears whilst DD1 went looking for help. Friend said that she was just stood crying by the door and they took her and rest of the bags to their house. Her husband waited around for a bit to see if H was coming back at all or hovering around to see if they were safe or for that matter if I came back. He of course didn't.
My first instinct is to protect my kids and therefore not ever send them to their dads again. I am not sure f phoning the police or Social Services would have disrupted their lives even more and I genuinely don't think I could have dealt with that as well. Have I done the right thing? Will this come back to me because I didn't contact the authorities.
He never called even after to make sure I had the girls. He sent a message 24hrs later "So what happens now? When can I see my girls?" I of course told him to fuck off.
I genuinely thought he would at least want to make things as simple and stress free for the kids as possible.

Hope today's call went OK CookiesNookie?

Hopefully this will shock your Ex to realise the kids are also small vulnerable people not just pawns in his efforts to outplay you. Absolutely outrageous behaviour! Stay strong unMNetty hugs

SS job to monitor and assess every risk and potential risk posed to every child?

No. SS role to do this in the absence of a caregiver who fails to.

Double neg there! In the absence of a caregiver who is able and willing to, rather!

And not every risk is a crime. This risk, however, is.

Not necessarily every risk. Potentially every significant risk.

You seem to be suggesting that it would have been appropriate for the police to decide the DC were adequately safeguarded. It is not the police's job to decide the DC are being adequately safeguarded - can you imagine what would happen to mothers and children if that were the case?

Of course a level of criminal neglect from one parent should be reported to SS as a parent has a very high level of potential access to DC. If SS take no action it is still appropriate that they are the ones to make the decision and appropriate for them to be informed so that the DC (and the OP) can be protected adequately potentially.

Should he go to court for access in the future SS will be able to report that they were made aware and decided the OP was adequately safeguarding for example. The police cannot report that, they can report that a crime was reported to them.

As I see it, the OP called 101 last night and a conversation ensued but, as yet, the incident has not been formally reported to the police.

And SS intervene when caregivers are failing to protect children. This is after they have assessed and monitored. If they don't assess and monitor they can't be expected to intervene. If the police were expected to assess and monitor then they'd essentially be launching investigations into things which are not crimes (parenting quality) and against people reporting crimes.

So the police should be aware of a safeguarding issue, and leave it to a parent to report? Doesn't sound like effective child protection to me!

There are safrguarding issues that SS do not get involved with, that are totally handled by the police, for instance if a teacher or scout leader were involved in crimes against children.

Safeguarding is the responsibility of the police as it is SS.

As this excuse of a father is an abuser, it is essential to keep record of all child access. Like a diary. Every visit, the times, if he is late, if he cancels, if he returns them late, (or indeed, in this case, early) keep all texts re altercations over times & no shows. infact do not speak to him, do any communication by email/text.
The fact that he abandoned them by the side of the road with no supervision should without a doubt be referred to the police & SS, if for no other reason that it will work in your favour if you have proof of his behaviour when OH is making as much difficulty & bitching about child maintenance, visits, how, where, when who delivers, who pays etc.....
This is manipulation to control you.

Basically, she should report it to the police, who would log and who should refer the crime to SS. The OP calling SS would have no bearing on if an investigation would be taken out (highly unlikely in any event, and was not the case as OP has stated)

I can understand the OP calling for peace of mind. But thats really all. If police said.they were taking no action and not logging, i could understand why a call to log with SS my be prudent for future custody battles.

Social services will at this point log your call and are probably satisfied that the resident parent is taking the necessary steps to prevent further situations arising.

All the steps you have taken have been spot on.

I'm not sure what you are even talking about now.

The police have a duty to/policy on reporting safeguarding issues to SS. A scout leader's family as per your example could certainly expect a SS assessment/support and it is the LSCB who would very likely also be involved in a safeguarding issue that came up with regard to a community leader who was using his/her position to abuse children.

People mentioned SS as well as the police because not everyone wants to report crimes to the police and sometimes the police fail to notify them when they should and because SS and the police are the authorities who should have been properly involved in this particular situation.

OP i am not saying you.have done anything wrong by calling SS. I think you have handled the situation well.

How did everything go today? Are your girls ok?

Hi all, tried to read all the replies.
And yes SS told me they won't he logging anything. They did take my name and my eldest daughters details but told me they won't be logging it or doing anything further.
Local police contacted me and will be seeing me tomorrow morning to take a statement. Yes they said that they will automatically pass the details to SS but adviced that its in my best interest to contact them as well which I did.

In the mean time their dad has emailed me twice since asking for access and have been calling me lots today. I am not sure what to do especially since I haven't spoken to police as yet and wanted to know that they have spoken to him first before I decide what to do.

I hope they do contact you tomorrow. If not, I'd chase them up.

And I'd also put off replying now.
If you do reply I'd just send the details of the contact centre for him to arrange contact.

I would continue radio silence until you have spoken to the police, they will be able to give an idea of what happens next. Chances are they will go and give him a bollocking and warn him not to do it again, which will at least give you back a little of the power as he will know that you will not hesitate to involve the authorities again if he carries on.

Well done Cookies, I know it's a scary thing to do.

He really is an utter shit.

If the police inform SS.. there will be a paper trail.

I would ignore calls also speak to the legal number you got before proceeding further...

I am sure he will call lots..He likes to be the one in control doesn't he

Well done cookies

Hope the police scare the shit out of him!

You have had good advice here re police and SS and I'm so pleased you called them, and yes please follow up tomorrow.

I think, personally, he is furious with you for catching him. I also think he is desperate to make you the baddie. He's already tried blaming your for the affair. Now, given he's been caught red handed how would he do that? Maybe by playing the 'she's stopping me seeing the kids' card. But you (dreadful woman that you are) can't even do that right!! You not only facilitate access you go along so the DC see you getting along.
What's a shithead to do? Oh, yes. Do something that would actually make you STOP being so reasonable. Like dumping a 7&4 year old on the street. After all, he can claim 'misunderstanding' afterwards. Or just lie and say he had to ad you won't open the door or some such nonsense.

Now - what does this achive? Well, let's see - he's now the poor dad who can't see the kids. Yay, not the baddie any more. You, if he does have them, are unlikely to leave the house in case he does it again (stopping you from meeting someone else - cos obviously as that's the first thing he'd do, he expects it of you). And finally if you absolutely so stop them, I lay money he's wander off to his nice newly promoted single life (leaving you as skint as possible if he can) with no guilt, and more important, no akward responsibilities.
Bastard.

So - after you speak to the police - you could consider the following: that as you want your DDs to have a relationship with their father, but he is currently not behaving rationally or responsibly he needs an agreed on responsible adult to pick up and drop off DC at agreed times. Or contact centre. Which he pays for, until you are satisfied he is safe. That you will only discuss DC or divorce via email, anything else is none of his business. if they are more than, for example, 20 mins late without an email or txt to say why, contact will be cancelled. You will not be telling the DC that they are seeing him until they are actually picked up. That if you offer him contact dates he needs to confirm within x days or you will make other plans. Oh and mention that you have informed police & SS and have received advice and been informed that you need to ensure DCs safety.
Keep it all very calm, and to the point. Cold even. Do not get drawn into any 'but you did x'

Do not share any of your thoughts, feelings or plans with him. He no longer has the right to any of 'you'. He doesn't get to keep anything from the marriage that he threw away except the possibility - if he steps up - to a relationship with his children.

What Feck suggests is pretty much how I handle exH.
It works.

when can I see my girls?

You mean the girls of 7 and 4 he dumped alone on the street and drove away and left? My jaw is dropped. How can you hand the kids over for contact when he may take it into his head to just randomly abandon them somewhere on a whim? You have the text trail too to show he knew you were not home and would need time to be able to get to them.

Don't reply to the texts. Ignore. Wait for the police to reply. Then organise supervised contact the 'formal' contact recommended by SS either with the contact centre you spoke to or with his parents if you trust them or your parents so you don't have to be involved. He cannot have the kids without another competent adult there as carer for them. This man is not mentally stable, what responsible adult would abandon ANY child in that situation never mind his own?

If he doesn't like that he can take it to court, and explain himself to a judge.