Shocked at what i found tonight

[SiliconDollMansWife]

As my new name change suggests, i found something shocking tonight.

DH and i were having a BBQ in the garden. A storm broke and it rained heavily out so we continued to eat in the summer house. I venturd back into the house alone to get something and realised DH had left the Velux window in his office open and water was pouring into the stairwell and storage room below. I grabbed a mop and ventured down there to do a quick clean up. I do not normally go in this room becuase it is off DH's office and is just used for storing his gym equipment and sports equipment. My end of the mop must have banged a cupboard door and it swung open.

Inside was 1 lifesize silicon sex doll, a spare head with different hair, a half a sex doll, just a torso with no arms and legs or head. Both dolls had tits like Dolly Parton. I shut the door, put on my mum head and continued with the bbq. After putting the DCs to bed i told DH.

He said it was because since having DC2, a nightmare of a child, we had been having little sex. Insisted he loved me, later said that he thought i didn't take care of myself, had not lost the baby weight etc.

He is now asleep and i am lying awake. What the fuck do i do? We live abroad. I have no job and cannot work. DC2 is a fecking nightmare child, i can't handle him/her alone.

Sorry but I can't believe he has the audacity to blame you for this. First of all you get one bombshell then he chooses to make you feel even worse and somehow turn it into your fault.
He is saying that you 'let yourself go?' You are run off your feet looking after two small children - How about a bit of positive support instead?

Has he considered that this might stop you from fancying him?

Sorry but with a real life woman he would be "catering" for her needs, having to make conversation etc with a piece of rubber shaped like a woman he gets to choose what he does without any objections.

That is part of the problem.

He is lazy and immature and selfish when it comes to sex.

He has gone out of his way to find these dolls though.

'Even if it was to cover his mortification of having his fetish discovered, he should not have turned this around on you. Its not about you, im willing to bet he'd be fucking that thing if you were a bloody supermodel. '
(TheOriginalLEM)

OP if I were you I would tell him you want to see the forums he has been on, all of his posts on them. If you think he used a computer that is now at home, take it to have the hard drive copied asap, and then browse through your copy when he has given you all passwords. He needs to do this. If there may be other computers involved then you may need to tell him to give you passwords and access to these devices. There are many forums focused on these dolls. His blaming of you 'letting yourself go' may be a cover up for something more deepseated on his part that he will refuse to share with you, preferring to place the blame on something about you that he feels is acceptable to blame -- what he may be covering up is an inability to relate sexually to women who are mothers, or just an inability to relate sexually to women at all and feeling much more comfortable with an inanimate object..

I very much agree with LEM that he needs to be completely honest here.

I also agree with Lightbulbon and Differentname.

I suspect his words about getting rid of the dolls and relieved it is all out in the open now are only said because he has been surprised that you now have the initiative here. You need to see what he has been doing online.

it must have been quite a project having them delivered without the OP noticing them

I actually don't think the doll thing is that bad. Bit creepy but people have strange sexual fetishes. So many women on mumsnet think porn is normal yet find this offensive?

Porn involves an actual real woman and is exploitative and demeaning. This is just a doll used for a wank.

The issue here is that your DH has said he doesn't fancy you. He has been very honest which gives you the opportunity to make choices.
Personally I would be leaving that marriage, not because of the doll but because of the underlying and deeply upsetting reason for its purchase. Find yourself someone who loves AND fancies you.

I don't agree with the posters that are saying he can't connect with a real woman etc. I'm sure at some stage they had a perfectly normal sex life, hence the marriage and DC. He's just checked out of the marriage sexually.
Good luck OP.

I don't want to know how much they cost. That makes me feel sick.

I think he is genuinely sorry though.

He says he only told me why he did it because i asked for an explanation.

The "how did he get them in the house without me noticing it" bothers me. He said he recieved the packages himself, had them Fedexed when he was working from home. That would have taken effort and that bothers me, that he went to so much effort. But put no effort into our relationship.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

I'm non the wiser on how to proceed now. My brain hurts, i hardly slept last night and DCs have worn me out today.

Op hope you get some rest.
I agree with PPs it is his attitude/comments that really worry me.

What did he say to the suggestion of counselling?

It is the effort involved and all the hiding, first in the attic and then moving them to the cupboard, not to mention the sex with moulded silicone that was presumably taking place in his home office while you were dealing with a difficult child, cooking dinner, cleaning, doing laundry, and not having time or the necessary second pair of hands that would have made it possible for you to go to the gym or perhaps even pick your own nose, that would make me think there is more to this than what he has offered by way of explanation. The readiness to blame you is also evident and a huge issue.

So he doesn't 'fancy' you but he can get it up for an unresponsive inanimate object.
Odd.
If I were you I would decide I no longer 'fancy' him and tell him he's welcome to his fuckdolls.

I do agree with Math and Salted. The big problem isn't exactly the presence of the dolls (and spare parts), but what this whole episode implies about his feelings for, and respect towards, you and your relationship. It's not just a blip, it's a carefully-conducted deception that has adversely impacted your real-world sexual relationship and your trust in him.

I thought Want2's advice good, but you'd have to be making these efforts to rebuild your relationship after exploring and honestly examining the worrying issues. Otherwise it's a bit like covering a gaping hole with tinsel.

SDMW, I can't help noticing you seem to do a lot of mopping up after floods! There's some bathetic symbolism in this (!) and also a tiny domestic picture of you acting as maid, cleaner, nanny, cook & waitress while he acts as ... what? The person best qualified to fill in the blanks is his wife.

I am with the 'posh wank sex toy' school of thought and also think it isn't worth putting any effort into thinking about. We all have different sexual desires/fantasies and some are just private and not meant to be discovered . The dolls really aren't the issue.
The 'I love you but don't fancy you' line is much harder to deal with. Sexual desire is not something that anyone can be persuaded into. I have been on the receiving end of this with first husband. I put on 4 stone after 3 babies close together. I was exhausted, poor diet and little sex drive, didn't really notice that dh was even less keen. I tried it on one night and saw him physically recoil. I was devastated. He hadn't told me how he felt, (how do you tell someone you love they are unattractive to you - it's a no win conversation) long story short, the lack of intimacy killed our marriage. To be fair to him, I find fat men a physical turn off so with hindsight can understand . On the other hand I did not feel motivated enough by the marriage to get myself into shape to save it.???? . That came later when I was ready. Now happily married for 2nd time with great sex life.There is no doubt that feeling happy with your own body gives great sexual confidence - and that is the one thing that attracts. You both need to have a really serious conversation together, but let's get something straight before the vipers attack. I am NOT telling you to lose weight, I am suggesting you talk to each other honestly about what you both want and to both listen to the answers, because whilst couple counselling is great, I don't think anyone can be counselled into having sex if they simply don't feel the attraction. You may want to make changes, he may want to make changes, but you may decide it's not something you feel inclined to fix.

i would leave but first take pictures of the offending article get proof he bought it take a knife and a blowtorch and give her a makeover

The dolls really are important.

He had alternatives, including porn.

Why did he choose dolls?

Why did he choose those particular models?

Does anyone remember the documentary about the men who owned these sorts of dolls?

This is going a bit off-topic, but what you say about your youngest DC being a nightmare child. I know this isn't why you posted, but I think it might be worth you exploring separately on a parenting board (if you haven't already). It sounded from your posts like you see yourself as primarily responsible for the child, with your partner helping out. Why are things not shared more equally... Not directly to do with sex, but indirectly it may well be.

So if he isn't planning to use the dolls what's he planning to do instead Op? Perhaps he can superglue up the openings as a gesture.

I am a bit at the dolls, I'm in agreement that it is a sex toy of sorts, but I just can't get my head round the massive financial investment however, and to break the first one - what the hell was the activity? How rough was it? And what's the individual head for? Mainly it's the deceit and sneakiness behind it. Working from home to smuggle it in, hiding it from you then doing it all again with his upgrade to Miss Rubberminge 1.

I never hid a dildo or vibe purchase from any partner, was usually excited to get them involved, even when they knew I used alone from time to time.

Is he ashamed of them? If so then that's not right.

And it's alright for us on here to be cool with it all, but firstly can I say well done for not fecking keeling over when you walked into a room and saw two naked lifeless (one dismembered) bodies! I think I'd have screamed my lungs out.

I don't have any answers for you op. His attitude sucks, completely sucks but I think I'd have to attend counselling with him. He has some kind of dysmorphia now of your body, what will be the next complaint, your skin isn't siliconey enough? Eyes not dead enough? Hair not flammable?

Incidentally there are male dolls, look on Lovehoney. A lot of partners use them together for certain scenarios.

Perhaps DHL one over op, and use it to rest your feet on of an evening?

My Broadband Shield won't let me link to the "Doll Forum" but "The 30 Most Disturbing Websites" features it if you scroll down (and you can stomach it)

This is a lifestyle issue, not just a bit of wanking with a sex toy.

OP, there is a fuckload of stuff you know nothing about, I am afraid. And none of it is good.

for those who are curious
www.youtube.com/channel/UC6-zH_Il9hicoCzrJm33V6Q

and
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2364514/Inside-sex-doll-factory-A-look-eerily-lifelike-faces-bodies-assembled-7-000-silicone-companions.html

WallyBantersJunkBox brilliant post.

Poor you OP , what a shit thing to discover. How dare he blame you for being less than perfect. Ugh, it makes me think of necrophilia. Some people, honestly. So sorry, it's horrible when you find out things like this about people you've loved and trusted.
I seem to attract a lot of perverts, sometimes wonder if they're more the norm than we think, what was once perverted has become mainstream thanks to the instan availability of everything online.

So he confirmed he has 'sex' with the doll? I wouldn't be able to get over that, personally I'd be more comfortable with my DH having an affair. It's very odd and by saying you've 'you've let yourself go', is he saying therefore, he'd rather have sex with a doll? It's all very confusing! Good luck with it all.

I would have a good look at website history etc, try and get a full picture, there could possibly be more than the dolls

there is more than a hint of corpse about them

Quote from suzanne's bizarrely gripping Daily Fail article:

"Number one, not everybody has the degree of care and respect that it takes to actually own one of these dolls ... it becomes a personality. It becomes a presence in their home."

Fucking hell. OK, I'm not judging as such. But, seriously, if the care and respect required to own a Real Doll is the best a man can aspire to - then he should not go anywhere near a human sex partner whose expectations would reasonably entail rather more care, respect, and sharing life rather than being owned.

As for becoming a personality present in their home ... Yes, my evenings spent on the doll forums confirmed that this is so for those owners. Which leaves us wondering how OP fits in with this unknown presence?

I missed a bit out. Obviously enough, the dolls don't have personalities - they're inanimate. What they have is their owners' projected personalities. It's amazing: quite a few of the dolls have (according to their owners) some fairly unattractive personality traits, like being bitchy and whining a lot, which the men can afford to find 'cute' as they are imaginary/projected traits, after all.

This interested me enormously. It looks very much the 'teddy illusion', in which a dysfunctionally egotistical person projects characteristics onto other people and then reacts to those characteristics, rather than any real human qualities in the target.

It would be illuminating to find out what he's named his dolls, and how he pictures their personalities. I fear you may never find out, though, SDMW :(