Shocked at what i found tonight

[SiliconDollMansWife]

As my new name change suggests, i found something shocking tonight.

DH and i were having a BBQ in the garden. A storm broke and it rained heavily out so we continued to eat in the summer house. I venturd back into the house alone to get something and realised DH had left the Velux window in his office open and water was pouring into the stairwell and storage room below. I grabbed a mop and ventured down there to do a quick clean up. I do not normally go in this room becuase it is off DH's office and is just used for storing his gym equipment and sports equipment. My end of the mop must have banged a cupboard door and it swung open.

Inside was 1 lifesize silicon sex doll, a spare head with different hair, a half a sex doll, just a torso with no arms and legs or head. Both dolls had tits like Dolly Parton. I shut the door, put on my mum head and continued with the bbq. After putting the DCs to bed i told DH.

He said it was because since having DC2, a nightmare of a child, we had been having little sex. Insisted he loved me, later said that he thought i didn't take care of myself, had not lost the baby weight etc.

He is now asleep and i am lying awake. What the fuck do i do? We live abroad. I have no job and cannot work. DC2 is a fecking nightmare child, i can't handle him/her alone.

We don't know what is wrong with DC2, too young for any diagnosis but i am thinking DC2 is possibly on the Autism spectrum, but i may be wrong. Don't want to talk about it her though, don't want to out myself.

I think many men struggle with the lack of sex when babies/ small kids come into the picture. I know me and dh did. We didn't have sex for 4 years at one point. He turned to porn and masturbation. I was very upset at the time and saw it as a massive betrayal, but was always grateful it wasn't an affair. I disapprove of porn on so many different levels, and I don't see it as drastically different to a doll as it reduces women to this anyway. However, he had needs which weren't being met. He did try to talk to me about it, but what can you do? I wasn't in a place where I could meet them. He did the best he could, and he was not unfaithful emotionally which I find hugely reassuring. He is the kind who couldn't have sex with another woman without having some feelings for her, which is something I love about him. If he'd gone for the sex and ended up in love, it would have killed me.

OP, I understand you need some time to get over this. But I really hope you can. DC2 sounds difficult. Have you had any diagnosis? I think this may help you all to deal with it, just to know, and have support on forums etc. if he/ she has a diagnosed problem. Is it possible for you to go home with dh so that you can have better support/ get a job if you want it? Can you talk that over with him as a way to save your marriage? You need to think long term when you have got over this initial shock.

Sex life is sporadic. Only 4 times this year, worst dry patch in our marriage. I initiated all these times though.

Sorry, x post regarding diagnosis

I'm in a minority of one here, I suspect, but your DH having a wank with a sex toy - which is what it actually comes down to - doesn't strike me as that big a deal. The remark about your baby weight on the other hand seems to me to be insulting beyond words and I'm surprised your upset more by the wanking than by the remark.

So what are you going to do? Can you get sometime to sit down and really talk about this?

Ok, so he is getting his jollies with the sex doll, leaving his horniness depleted when you initiat sex. How does he think that makes YOU feel???

He needs to deal with this because it has become habitual i suspect. He absolutely does need to get rid of the dolls and then work bloody hard on reconnecting with you. IF you are willing.

This wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, the lack of sex would though. (im talking from your point of view)

He may even need some form of counselling to help him separate his association of this lifeless bit of plastic, there with no emotion, no demands, from sex with his warm and loving partner. I think he has lost perspective and from what you say about his response (apart from the, you have let yourself go comment - he'd be needing a new pair of bollocks if he said that to me) he is willing to get rid and is maybe glad there is the opportunity to break his habit. A habit that is quite possibly no different to watching porn or picking his nose, or alcohol, difficult to break.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate just now.

Hi all,
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The original

Excellent post

I'd imagine there are a huge number of adults that have some sort of sex toy that their partner doesn't know about. Lots of couples have mis-matched sex drives at some point.

It's a piece of plastic, nothing like have sex with another human. It's just a release, no different to any woman that owns a vibrator that she uses alone.

CerialEater My point exactly but you put it better than I did.

There is a problem when a partner uses something that detracts from the marriage

OP, first of all I hope you're okay.

I really can't believe the 'it's just a sex toy' responses on here. After thinking about it, you might well decide it is indeed 'just a sex toy' and no worse/different from any other toy, but I don't believe so many posters would respond to such a discovery with the degree of composure that they're suggesting.

As others have said, the worst thing about your husband's behaviour is his attitude - accusing you of not being in shape etc., especially when you're clearly working on that. He can't blame you for lack of sex if he's rejecting your advances. I would be seriously concerned if my DH preferred a silicon doll to a real, willing partner.

Some of the poor advice on here (get yourself in 'rocking shape' and walk around semi-naked, torturing him) is frankly unbelievable.

I've also been an ex-pat and know how difficult it can be and how it can complicate situations that might be a lot easier on home ground. Please find out your rights and entitlements, OP, so that you are fully informed if things with your DH become untenable. These people RightsOfWomen were immensely helpful with advice when I left my DH to return to the UK.

I think it is a problem, as instead of trying to fix the fact that they aren't very sexually active, he is fucking a piece of rubber. That looks like a woman.

He thinks his wife is unattractive, yet he is preferring to put his dick in a couple of O shaped holes, which happen to be attached to a person shaped doll while getting no response! The problem is, he wants a hole to fuck, not a woman to have mutual satisfaction with!

He gets to have his orgasms & feel satisfied without having to care, or think about anyone else.

And op is lacking the intimacy that she needs. Which is a problem, because he has swapped a loving, intimate relationship with his wife for a rubber doll!

The way I would see it, your H basically thinks you and this piece of silicone are equivalent receptacles that serve to meet his needs. Exactly!!! He is thinking of HIS needs!

If this thread was the other way round ('My wife has a sex toy') the responses would be completely different. it's not really a 'sex toy' in the traditional sense of the word though, is it? An equivalent to a vibrator would be a masturbation sleeve, not a custom made rubber life-size doll shoved in a cupboard. Aside from that, the issue here is that the dh is using it as a replacement for intimacy with his wife.

But IS it detracting from the marriage? Or rather, WAS it before the OP found it?
She said that their love life was very poor at the moment, perhaps, just perhaps, her DH has been giving her the space that she needs owing to the demands of her second child?

He really should NOT have said that about letting herself go, but is that the real reason? Is it because he doesn't fancy her any more, or is it because he wanted sex but didn't want to push her for it, and she didn't? So he waited for her to initiate it, which she did 4 times in a year (not much by any standard).

OP - I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but I really think you NEED to talk this out with him. You need to tell him that his comments about your weight were deeply insulting and hurtful and he needs to acknowledge that, and hopefully apologise!

As for the plastic bodies, well that's up to you how you feel - currently disgusted, obviously - but his reaction to your feelings is again going to be paramount.

OK. ..let's look at the facts here

1. he prefers to have sex with an inanimate doll, demonstrated by how your sex life is very sparse and always initiated by you

2. when caught, he blames and body shames you

Is this OK with you ? Would this be OK with all the "it's just a sex toy" respondents ?

For those tedious whiners of "double standards ! wahhh!" would it be OK for me to justify my use of a vibrator by saying I prefer it to real life sex with a willing partner and I do it because his body has been changed by something out of his control ?

Do we think many men would say that was perfectly understandable ?

Of course it's detracting from the marriage, instead of putting his time and effort into his wife he is shagging a doll, and blaming her for it

Different name

Spot on

I initiated all these times though. This is why it is a problem. It has taken intimacy out of their marriage as the dh has found another to satisfy his needs. He doesn't care that his wife has those needs too..as long as his are met, he couldn't care less.

Sweetie I agree with all those who say his comments are out of order ... We have a sn child and it has, almost physically, torn us apart. There are days when I don't even get, or remember to, brush my own hair. It's hard for others, even husbands sometimes, to understand the effect that a sn child has on the full time carer. We love them with all our heart and soul but it is so relentlessly hard with no break, no levity, no support, minimal understanding, much judgement and defeating loneliness. If you want to pm me I'd be happy to chat to you privately. So whilst I don't think the sex toy is terribly bad, it's only because there are many times when I feel that sex is the very very very last thing on my mind and desire because my day has left me emotionally and physically bereft. His lack of compassion and understanding need to be addressed .... I just don't think its necessarily about the doll. Much support from me. Hang in there.

And if you do go to the gym, go for you to make you feel better, and not for anyone else.

Where are you getting that the OP is upset by the lack of sex in her marriage? I mean, she might be, but has she said it anywhere? You're just assuming that she wants more sex and isn't getting it because he's wasting his energy on the doll - but is that what is actually happening?

CerealEater It's a piece of rubber in the shape of a woman. A woman with holes that he can do what he likes to, when he likes. With no objections.

It is what it represents, a flashlight would be comparable to a vibe, not a life size silent, pliable woman. Add to that, he is obviously choosing to have 'sex' with that, rather than try to work out the intimacy issues in this relationship.

He is getting his jollies without having to think about anyone else's needs.

ThumbWitchesAbroad No sex unless she initiates it. First broke, replacement bought (sorry, don't buy the "not used"bit), different wigs. Sex 4 times this year, her dh would rather fuck a piece of rubber than have a loving/amazing experience with his wife.

Yes, I say that that is distracting from the marriage. He doesn't care about her needs. How is that OK?

just out of interest how is his 'beach body' project comming along?

So he hasn't actually initiated sex for at least 8 months?

This is more of an alarm bell imo.

If his sexuality is now doll focused rather than human being focused it's so much more of a problem than some one who uses a sex toy on the odd occasion to supplement a healthy 2 way sex life.

And where did you get it from that he doesn't fancy her anymore? Or that he tries not to pester her for sex, so waits for her to initiate it?

This is about her dh swapping intimacy with her for a quick fuck with a non responsive piece of rubber.

Why does the 'woman' he wants to fuck need to be so unresponsive that he has to use a rubber doll? It's fucking insulting & shows what he really thinks of women, imo.