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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shocked at what i found tonight

182 replies

SiliconDollMansWife · 10/08/2015 00:18

As my new name change suggests, i found something shocking tonight.

DH and i were having a BBQ in the garden. A storm broke and it rained heavily out so we continued to eat in the summer house. I venturd back into the house alone to get something and realised DH had left the Velux window in his office open and water was pouring into the stairwell and storage room below. I grabbed a mop and ventured down there to do a quick clean up. I do not normally go in this room becuase it is off DH's office and is just used for storing his gym equipment and sports equipment. My end of the mop must have banged a cupboard door and it swung open.

Inside was 1 lifesize silicon sex doll, a spare head with different hair, a half a sex doll, just a torso with no arms and legs or head. Both dolls had tits like Dolly Parton. I shut the door, put on my mum head and continued with the bbq. After putting the DCs to bed i told DH.

He said it was because since having DC2, a nightmare of a child, we had been having little sex. Insisted he loved me, later said that he thought i didn't take care of myself, had not lost the baby weight etc.

He is now asleep and i am lying awake. What the fuck do i do? We live abroad. I have no job and cannot work. DC2 is a fecking nightmare child, i can't handle him/her alone.

OP posts:
ClaudiusMaximus · 10/08/2015 01:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 10/08/2015 01:29

The way I would see it, your H basically thinks you and this piece of silicone are equivalent receptacles that serve to meet his needs.

Tomorrow night, unless you pack his bags some time during the day, your H gets to sleep downstairs in his office or better still in the storage room.

If you go to counselling, he gets to sit there and explain himself, not you.

BastardGoDarkly · 10/08/2015 01:31

There is a 'watch thread' button you know coffee

I really do think it's rude to blatantly place mark on sensitive threads.

Op, do you love your dh? If so, I'm sure this can be worked out.

I hope you feel better in the morning, and are able to have an honest talk with him about how you feel.

PushingThru · 10/08/2015 01:37

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PushingThru · 10/08/2015 01:37

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ATravellingCircusCame · 10/08/2015 02:16

If this thread was the other way round ('My wife has a sex toy') the responses would be completely different.

No-one would suggest it would be better if she'd had an affair with an actual man with an actual penis.

No-one would suggest she believes the dildo is 'equivalent' to her husband.

No-one would suggest counselling or that she sleep in the office.

And absolutely no-one would suggest that the DH take the children and leave the country!!

CatMilkMan · 10/08/2015 03:58

I'm so frustrated with some of the comments, he kept a creepy sex toy in his office that he used apparently twice a week. If you disagree with sex toys so much you want to leave the relationship I presume you don't use anything other than your own body parts to masturbate.

Mathanxiety you are being completely fucking ridiculous and I hope no one takes your advice if I was your DP I would be packing your bags and throwing you out.

It's a fucking sex toy, I wouldn't even dream of judging the type or style of dildo or vibrator my DP owns if I know she has it or not.
I would never judge a woman for having some sort of personal device that she uses sexually but if it's a man its a massive deal.

OP this isn't directed at you, the way you feel is never wrong but neither is understanding. This is directed at the moronic posters saying they would wish he had cheated and that you should end the relationship because of this.

mathanxiety · 10/08/2015 04:07

Baloney to all of that, ATravelingCircus.

It is incredibly demoralising to a woman to hear from her husband that since she bore and delivered his babies she is no longer attractive to him.

And presumably he is fine having such an unattractive lump of a wife cook for him and do his laundry and keep the house clean.

What do men think is going to happen to women when they have had a few babies? And why do some think it is their right to have a spouse with a certain type of body? What exactly does this H think sex is?

Atenco · 10/08/2015 04:07

I always wonder about the people who think they can detect all kinds of trolls? I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt rather than risk hurting someone who is already hurting

ToastedOrFresh · 10/08/2015 04:12

I sympathise with the OP. However, I can't help but agree with CMM with regard to some of the reactions on this thread.

Do I think these sex dolls are somehow worse than a vibrator or dildo. Um, perhaps I'm guilty of double standards.

Double standards on Mumsnet ? Surely not !

magiccatlitter · 10/08/2015 04:24

I don't think there even needs to be a comparison between the sex doll and an affair. OP's feeling about it is all that matters.

The sex doll is bizarrely offensive. It's sad that people will do all kinds of things and everything but actually talk to their spouse about their concerns.

I can be a cheeky girl and if I found my DH with a sex doll, I would kick him out of the bedroom and drag the doll up to the bedroom, tell him I've fallen in love with the doll. Dress it up etc. ;)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2015 04:26

Why is it worse than a dildo though? Is it because it has a face? Other than that, it does the same job really, doesn't it?

mathanxiety · 10/08/2015 04:27

As long as something has been discussed and everyone has accepted it, fine.

But to hide this and to say by way of 'explanation' that he has it because his wife has gained baby weight -- that is just selfish and immature and entitled. YY to bizarrely offensive, on many levels.

nooka · 10/08/2015 04:38

I think it's because a bow up doll is an approximation of a woman, whereas a dildo is just an approximation of a body part. Plus whereas most sex toys can be used by a couple as well as solo the doll is purely for one.

Plus thinking that you can be replaced by a piece of plastic with holes is pretty dehumanising isn't it?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2015 04:48

No I don't think I'd think of it like that, tbh nooka but I can see why other people would.
I don't honestly know though because I've not had the shock the OP has, and haven't had to face it as a possibility.

I do know I have some odd ideas sometimes though.

CatMilkMan · 10/08/2015 04:49

Be replaced? What the fuck? All your partner sees in you is sex?

The comments are still ridiculous.

Babalusca · 10/08/2015 04:58

Agree with Catmilkman and Travellingcircus. Some of the responses here, like Mathsanxiety are ridiculous and hypocritical. If it were a woman the responses would be different.

To say it would have been better if he had an affair with a real woman? Seriously?

When a man uses a sex toy it damages the woman's self-esteem but if a woman uses a dildo a man's self-esteem will be boosted?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2015 05:03

Well I have to say I agree with Catmilk, Travelling and Babalusca too.

But then I don't see sex as being the most important part of who I am to my husband, and I don't think he does either (although it is still A part).

sleepsoftly · 10/08/2015 05:04

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nooka · 10/08/2015 05:28

So you relaxed about it men, how would you feel if you discovered your partner was using a mannequin?

Like this perhaps (aimed at the gay market I note)

Does that really seem similar to a vibrator?

mathanxiety · 10/08/2015 05:28

'Be replaced? What the fuck? All your partner sees in you is sex? '

Of course it's not just sex he sees in her.

She is his maid too, and his cook and housekeeper and household secretary.

He also sees her as 'mother'. Some inadequate men have a problem with that.

mathanxiety · 10/08/2015 05:33

Thumb, imo the wost part of this sort of thing would be that a H by using the doll would in fact see sex as being the most important aspect of what his wife was, for him.

Mengog · 10/08/2015 05:44

It's the same as a dildo. Non issue.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2015 05:48

IMO, the worst part of the OP's scenario is that the H has accused her of letting herself go - that part sucks massively, and that needs to be addressed - but if that bit hadn't happened, and it was just the sex doll, I don't think I agree with you math, I would think that the H was catering for his own needs while accepting that his wife's needs were different.
I wouldn't think that he thought sex was the most important thing about her - but clearly it is very important to him.

I can't believe anyone thinks that sex with a plastic object is worse than an affair with a whole other human being, or sex with a prostitute.

However, as I said in the first line, the shit bit about him being rude to his wife suggests there is something else going on here as well, and THAT is the bit I'd have a go at him for.

CatMilkMan · 10/08/2015 05:55

Add message | Report | Message poster mathanxiety Mon 10-Aug-15 05:28:15
'Be replaced? What the fuck? All your partner sees in you is sex? '

Of course it's not just sex he sees in her.

She is his maid too, and his cook and housekeeper and household secretary.

He also sees her as 'mother'. Some inadequate men have a problem with that.

........ Wow it's remarkable how you can not only judge someone but decide what that person wants based on what someone else that doesn't know the person has decided.

Again, I hope no one takes your advice seriously.

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