No one to look after children -parents can't be bothered

[peppajay]

Me and my Dh have been having problems for a long time. We never ever get time together as a couple basically because no one in our family actually gives a shit about us only themselves so we have no family help. I don't understand my parents - I have lots of respect for them in alot of ways as I had an absolutely fantastic childhood with so many happy memories they did everything for us and gave us so much love and attention my childhood was idillyc- but now is their time and they will not look after their grandchildren. They bore them apparently and they have far more important things to do. They have turned into child hating selfish self centred individuals who only care about themselves. My parents had a great relationship when I was little BUT every saturday night they went out as a couple without fail and they gave the 14 yr old next door a fiver for babysitting. We had a Great Auntie down the road who was a widow and adored kids so once a month my parents would go away for a weekend and leave us with her and we loved it. We have no one, my auntie used to be fantastic but she moved away to be near my cousin when she had her baby and she still feels guilty for 'leaving us' as now we don't have anyone!!! I look at these big happy families of cousins, aunties, grandmas and grandads, and think how wonderful it would to be to be part of that!!! Watching other kids on days out with their grandparents or sleepovers at their nan's my kids would love it but they don't want them!!! I know i cant force my parents to help us out but life would be so much easier. My mum says we should advertise for some random teenage girl and give her 10 pound maximum for a night. I am sure if me and my hubby could get some time together her relationship would be better. We go out seperately with friends quite often but can rarely do couple things- I have a few friends who will sit for a couple of hours but no one who can do a proper babysitting stint. Am I being selfish wanting some time alone with my DH or as my parents say 'if I am not willing to pay a teenager then our time will come in 10 years but dont rely on her as she has been there done that and now it is her time'

Do you know it just strikes me that there are a lot of very lonely older people in this country. I wonder if part of that is because people are so individualistic that they don't see themselves as part of a family unit any more. A family that is functional helps each other out. All this I've done my bit is a shot excuse. the posters with this attitude want to think on. If their dc have this attitude then it's a very lonely and frightening old age.

I meet many a very lonely old person who would kill to see their family once a month let alone once a week. Say about friends and hobbies keeping you occupied all you like but when you're sat in a chair disabled by strike it will mean jack shit. So no I don't see my responsibilities with dc ending at 18 same as see my parents and in laws as partly a responsibility.l because I am part of a family and at times that means being inconvenienced.

As I said before there is no obligation on the grandparents part. If they want to help it's nice, if they don't that is their choice. I can understand op feeling hurt but her parents did their share of child rearing. One of the best things about your kids leaving home is your freedom to do as you choose after years of putting the kids first my dd left home 2 years ago, it's great.

I never understand why the MN norm seems to be that grandparents don't provide any childcare. Nobody IRL seems to have this situation: parents abroad, ill, dead, sure - but openly saying "I don't want to, I've done my bit"? Don't get it.

Sure, pick and choose. Sure, limit it (for context, my mum has my 3yo maybe once every month or two, for half a day at the weekend). But I do think it's really unusual and mean to say 'no, I just don't want to'. And tbh I guess I'd feel pretty hurt that my mother had considered parenting me such a relentless bore, with no redeeming features, that she couldn't bear to ever spend an evening doing it again for the rest of her life, which seems to be what's implied by the 'they've done their time' line.

Also, I don't understand how children have much of a relationship with extended family, if their contact is basically supervised and mediated by parents the whole time? That seems a shame for everyone. I really really hope to be a grandmother one day, and I'll be keen to help - all the fun of taking them out for the day without the endlessness. and even when it's not fun, even when it's really fucking boring, a few hours a month doesn't seem such an awful sacrifice for my own child.

I get it,OP, and I would feel very hurt if I were you too. We're planning on having kids soon and I know both my mum and MIL can't wait to get involved with helping with the baby.
Your job as a parent doesn't end when the kid turns 18. And if your own daughter says she's having marital problems and needs a night out, a caring and able parent would volunteer to have the kids for an evening. Your parents are basically telling you they hated taking care of kids, you were just one big chore, they don't really want a relationship with your kids, and actually distanced themselves from you because you had kids. That last one hurts the most I think. And there's a massive difference between babysitting a few times and doing regular childcare. However, there's nothing you can do about it. Just accept that they have let you down, that they're never going to be the caring grandparents you thought they would be and look for a babysitter.

You know that point when the dynamics change and suddenly you find your parents looking more and more to their children for support. Be it for technology advice, a hand with some heavy chores etc, lifts to and fro because they can no longer drive. By the same token that no one should expect babysitting or an interest in getting to know their grandchildren. Don't then be upset that you have to find your own taxis, cleaners, handymen etc.

I have done an awful lot for my dad, and he is not very interested at all in his grandchildren. He is 64 smokes like a chimney and I know ill health is going to hit him one day. but I have my own family now and if he needs me like he has expected before I am inclined to not get as involved.

I have only one pair of hands and if he helped out more I would feel like I could have the energy to be there for him but he doesn't. We know that we have at least a decade of full on child raising with no family support. It's exhausting and stressful and we muddle on.

I have found our local church great support and lots of lonely oldies who adore having littlies over to play in their garden. It goes some way to combat the sadness I feel, and hopefully helps to foster a respect for the older generation in my children.

I have learned family really only is DNA and you can build your own family or 'village' if you want to.

I am not going to read the six pages but just wnated to lend a bit of emotional support OP.

I was a single mother for a long time...5 years...and my parents lived next door and did not want to (ever) babysit. He was a difficult baby, they are "young" parents and to be honest they wnated to be out Friday night instead of letting me try it.

They were supportive in a lot of ways, but childcare and help was not one of them. I actually recall the few times I had a really important event they would take him, but not for the whole night so I couldn't really drink.

Also remember quite clearly my own birthday party for my 30th that had like 70 guests (a lot of whom flew in and I had not seen for years) and when I asked my parents to babysit they insisted they would, but brought my three year old (very hyper) son along, then proceeded to get drunk and party with my friends and I left (alone) with my son before the party ended. Sobbed my eyes out and when I complained to my Dad he told me to grow the fuck up.

Yeah...fucking selfish.

Now I KNOW he is my child, but at the same time I felt a lot of pain over it. Not because I felt entitled (although I do find it weird) but because I felt like them pretending to be 30 still was more important to them than allowing me to actually BE 30 wehn I was.

I don't think from the age of 26 to 32 I had a single date, and I ended up marrying the very first person I went out with (who was happy to stay home with me because he had his own kids) and I ended up being deeply hurt by that man.

I guess my life was very lonely and isolated and the fact that they did not care was very hurtful to me.

I will say my parents have been a wonderful support to me when my son was older. Partly beause THEY are now older and don't want to go drinking, but partly because they just don't like children! they told me so!

It's hurtful...we should all have a nice grandma figure as a support for us. Human beings are not supposed to be isolated, kids are designed to be raised as part of an extended family with support and your parents should care about you getting time alone with your husband.

But we don't all get what we want.

Vent away!!!!

I often wonder how many of these grandparents who don't want to sit for or really be around their GCs even wanted children of their own in the first place. I know that contraception has been around forever, but the pressures on a married couple back 'in the day' to have children was truly horrendous. I know of a couple of people who were wonderful parents, but have admitted that they wouldn't have had children if it hadn't been 'expected' of them. Even these days, people who decide to remain childless are often thought of as 'self-absorbed' and 'odd'.

OP, it's unfortunate. But it is what it is. In the long run, your parents will be the ones who suffer for not being around their grandkids.

I am not with my dc's dad so I am fortunate to have every other weekend 'off' though I am actually a person who enjoys staying in. GPs on both sides have always been keen to have my children. I rarely have need to ask them so its usually at their own request and is fairly frequent

However whilst my parents are very happy to ask for my children, they have to be very much forced into having my sister's dc :( this is because her children are very poorly behaved and can be very aggressive so our parents find time spent with them alone as exhausting and the dc end up being shouted at.

I love my sister and so I offer to have them semi regularly myself as I have a little bit more patience than our parents.

Unfortunately there can be any number of reasons why people won't want to look after others dc.

Uuf, as a grandmother myself I definitely pick and choose when I babysit my dgd.

I loved being a mother but I don't really feel that that has to extend to looking after my dgd out of a sense of duty.

To each their own, but I like calling my time my own after so many years of not being able to just walk out the door when I felt like it.

Then again my dgd is not my child. With my own child I could decide what was acceptable behaviour and what was not. As a grandmother I don't get to have any say in that. My dd could decide to move to the other side of the world tomorrow and I would never see them again and I don't get any say in that.

Mumsnet is full of people complaining about grandparents who want to take over the parenting of the grandchildren.

All credit to you, OP, that you can recognise that your parents did their job well and lovingly when you were underage. From the comments on this thread you can see that there are loads of different types of people in this world. Some who give birth to a child thinking that they are founding a dinasty and seeing it as a life-long commitment from the very start and some of us who thought, mistakingly, that it was a commitment for eighteen years and did our best during those eighteen years, which then turned into the rest of our lives.

It sounds to me that the OP's parents find her children full on and exhausting and don't want sole care of them, and that they also are concerned that they could be put in a situation where childcare is expected of them, so they are heading off any possibility of that happening. It also sounds as if they haven't quite kept up with the increased cost of babysitting as people have become too risk averse to have a local teenager look after their children now.

I can understand why the OP finds that upsetting but it is quite possible that they are just not great with small children and will become more involved as her children get older.

Oh and for the comments re why look after your parents if they don't look after your children, do the twenty odd years they looked after you not count?

I can't be in 2 places at once. I can't take care of my children and my father. He made it very clear before my children were even born he wasnt going to be a hands on grandparent. Looking after children is exhausting and with no help to even have a night off? Why should I then put myself into the position of being my father's carer?

If it's perfectly ok to not want to muck in with looking after grandchildren when the only reason you won't is because it interferes with your baby boomer retirement, then why can't I put myself first too?

Is there some unwritten rule that once you take your first breath in life you must pay back all the arse wiping when your parents get old?

I don't think so and if one adult in a position to help another adult, a blood relative if that even matters, then decides that the other person can just get on with it on their own, then yes don't be surprised if that person remembers the hurt and an emotional distance forms.

Starting a family is tough. Growing old and requiring more and more care is tough too. No one should expect anyone to take care of them and it pays to plan ahead.

What I don't get is GPs saying they've done their bit raising children, and now that's it. You know that by having children there is a v high risk that those children will have children, its not rocket science. Your children don't suddenly stop being your children once they hit a certain age.

I am sad not only for the conditional relationships these GPs are developing with their GCs but also that the GPs can't suck it up now and again to help and support their own child?? I am sure by time I have GCs (if I do) I won't often feel like having them for sleepovers but equally am sure kids will love it and I know how amazingly restorative just one night off can be in the midst of relentless drudge.

Meh our parents live hundreds of miles away and have never babysat or done any childcare. I think you are blaming your marital issues in your parents not helping with the kids, seems unlikely, if it was that simple you would have just got a babysitter!

If you and your DH have been having problems for a long time OP, and have such disinterested grandparents, you could have stopped at one child and a made life a bit easier for yourselves.
FWIW. My DC are 12 and 10. My DM lives 10 mins away and is in good health, retired etc, and they have never had a sleepover either.

The problem I think is that I hurts, a lot when someone you love and care for almost as much as your immediate family basically stick 2 fingers up and say they aren't going to help out once in a while.

You suddenly realise that what you thought was a close loving bond with your folks wasn't that close and loving after all.

I had a fantastic relationship with my grandparents in fact my dad rarely had to worry about doing everything on his own. When I became a teenager and my grandparents became more frail I used to help them out a lot. We had a close bond. That simply doesn't exist between my children and my father. They barely recognise him and I can't see them goin off willingly at weekends to assist him.

Perhaps my father knows this and isn't bothered. And yes I suspect for him and many others they didn't really like looking after their own children. Probably more of an obligation than a keen desire, it's funny how he will often laugh at how hard I will find looking after children. Watch out! Your life is over foR the next 20 years! Is it? Because I feel like it's only just begun. Don't project your own feelings onto your children or grandchildren.

Be careful how you approach the thorny topic of grandchildren, I accept that in a lot of cases grandparents are unable to assist but just saying no because you have 'done your bit' is actually quite selfish and this can affect your own relationship with your children. Once every 6 months say or even once a year is hardly putting yourself out is it?

Grandparents caring for grand kids is optional. It's likely they will reap what the sow however. So having little time for grandchildren now means when the grandchildren are adults and grandparents are on their last legs, there will be no proper bond or connection. The grandparents needs won't register in the young adults minds. But OP also will feel free not to care for them because op will be 'having her time'

This also assumes that grandparents will be living nearby.
I don't plan to live near my children

I would be very hurt if my parents told me that their gcs bore them .

In terms of babysitting we tend to pay someone though, I feel bad dragging my parents over to do it just to sit in my house and barely see the children. It's also at least partly because I hate staying up late and therefore detest babysitting for anyone (they are night owls though so this is probably irrelevant). Also I would always call on them in an emergency so don't want to take the piss too much.

Blaming parents for things like your own marriage problems, not being able to date or go out is very mean spirited. They don't have to put their whole life on hold to let you live yours. Having young children in a commitment, if it's too much for you then don't have children or as many.

My sympathies too, OP. We have 3 DC and no family nearby. My parents will come and help but it's often more work than it's worth as they have to stay and I spend most of my time looking after them too and knackered! In-laws not terribly interested, about 2 hours away so will come for very short hops which are also problematic - just upsets the children more. We have no anticipation of them providing childcare but get very aggrieved by unequal treatment of other GC - their daughters.

I found it really hard initially, not least as I didn't want to speak ill of in-laws to DH. It has helped massively that he is now of the same mind as me. We've just learned to ignore it and have found really good babysitters locally - I'd second trying nurseries and possibly also local churches, many of them have young (& indeed older people) who would love to help out. If cost is an issue (when isn't it!) just book a sitter less frequently but do try to do it. And on the plus side, it means you do jt when jt suits you. I also feel no obligation to fit round other people anymore - makes me a little sad that things are that way but better than stewing and feeling bitter. Totally agree with PPs though - it's a very sorry state of affairs and a bit of an indictment of families generally, esp when my in-laws are always telling me how much DH's GPs helped them.

Oh, and if it helps, having always been a bit precious about leaving mine, we started prioritising nights out and have been amazed at how much the DC love sitters - they are insultingly excited when someone comes over (they're aged 3-7).

Chin up & good luck. Hard to see out when in the thick of it but get out a bit and it will massively help. x

oh gosh OP I really feel for you. I believe there are two issues here , you're marriage isn't great at the moment and your parents disinterest in your children (which must be extremely hurtful). Have just been through a similar situation (DS 14 now so we do get out and some time to ourselves now). We managed to stay together god knows how tbh. It would have been really great for my parents who were youngish and healthy to spend time with him but it wasn't to be. I actually bumped into my father at an amenity 5 mins from our house (DS 8 at the time) and he had the grace to be embarassed as he clearly had no intention of calling in to see us (it hurt me on my childs behalf but should have hurt on mine too- I learnt to get used to that feeling many years ago though). I think it came home to me they were never going to get involved when a neighbour asked me was my mother still alive, thats how little we ever saw of her. So please get some counselling to help deal with the feelings you're having (they won't go away on their own believe me) and best of luck with things with DH. Update on my parents: My mother has subsequently developed Alzeimers and my father is her primary carer. They are now paying for someone to come in as I'm at a point in life where I can't fit in the minding of elderly parents (I had good role models in this type of behaviour after all). I will never understand why they did not choose to spend time with their beautiful grandson.

This thread got me thinking about my own childhood (and OP I'm probably your parent's age). Honestly, my grandparents didn't babysit any of their grandchildren in the evening so their parents could go out. I can recall my grandmother watching us at her house when we went home sick from school when my mum was working as a 'one off' when mum couldn't leave work. But Gran didn't provide childcare on a routine basis for any of her 15 grandchildren. I can recall 'just for fun' overnights and afternoons spent there 'just because'. But when it came to 'nights out', our parents paid for babysitting.

It's a shame that your parents apparently aren't interested in your children. But be sure that it's because they truly aren't interested, not because they feel they're being 'boxed into a corner' by your expectations of what they should do as far as childcare. It may be that they've dug in their heels and are saying 'no' to everything because they feel you'll expect them to routinely care for your children.

Gp shouldntbe expected to babysit but you'd think they'd do a bit! I can't imagine not wanting to look after my grandchildren. My pil are crap, they apparently want to look after dcs but aren't nice to them. Theycan't cope with toddler anyway.
My two middle children are going away with them tomorrow against my better judgement. It will be the last time. I have a regular sitter who I pay.

Ditto. Mine have no interest at all. DS is 4 and they've met him once (they live abroad but not far).

DHs parents are late 80s and live the other side of the UK. So not lack of interest but can't cope. Which is a shame as DH is an only.

Mine however couldn't give a fig.

I have reliable paid for babysitting. I don't lean on friends either as I don't want upset any apple carts.

Today I feel awful. I'm recovering from house move on Friday (chaos) and major migraine over weekend and today after migraine pain and the after effects of heavy-duty medication.
I wish I had someone to call this morning. However reliable babysitters sadly need pre-arranging and none were available today.

So I've toughed it out and treated the DC to lego magazine and some stuff out of pound shop and tv. They think it's a treat.

Yes I get where you're coming from. It's disappointing and also kind of shocking when you realise they don't actually care at all. I wasn't too surprised mine have a long history of letting me down however it sounds like you had a real shock.

Hoard the numbers of good babysitters.

Also get to know babysitters who will do different times of day/week. So that you've got one for evenings out at weekend. One for overnights at weekend. And one who can do a couple of hours during weekdays here and there if you're ill or need to do something important free of small people.

At the risk of sounding competitive in the "our parents didn't help much" stakes, my PILs were out of the picture living far away. We lived close to my parents and I can count on one hand the times one or both babysat. And the only overnight stay was when I was in labour with DC2 and DH was with me. But unlike yours OP they were patient and loving with the DCs when we met up, without trampling over boundaries. So it must be very disheartening when yours can't be bothered.

The only good thing that you can say is, and it's more than many can testify, they did make your childhood a happy one.

Do you think, if you open up and say you and DH are struggling and want to book counselling, they might step up and agree to fixed times caring for DCs when you get to the top of the waiting list? It'll hardly be anything frivolous, if that makes a difference.