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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No one to look after children -parents can't be bothered

156 replies

peppajay · 09/08/2015 10:43

Me and my Dh have been having problems for a long time. We never ever get time together as a couple basically because no one in our family actually gives a shit about us only themselves so we have no family help. I don't understand my parents - I have lots of respect for them in alot of ways as I had an absolutely fantastic childhood with so many happy memories they did everything for us and gave us so much love and attention my childhood was idillyc- but now is their time and they will not look after their grandchildren. They bore them apparently and they have far more important things to do. They have turned into child hating selfish self centred individuals who only care about themselves. My parents had a great relationship when I was little BUT every saturday night they went out as a couple without fail and they gave the 14 yr old next door a fiver for babysitting. We had a Great Auntie down the road who was a widow and adored kids so once a month my parents would go away for a weekend and leave us with her and we loved it. We have no one, my auntie used to be fantastic but she moved away to be near my cousin when she had her baby and she still feels guilty for 'leaving us' as now we don't have anyone!!! I look at these big happy families of cousins, aunties, grandmas and grandads, and think how wonderful it would to be to be part of that!!! Watching other kids on days out with their grandparents or sleepovers at their nan's my kids would love it but they don't want them!!! I know i cant force my parents to help us out but life would be so much easier. My mum says we should advertise for some random teenage girl and give her 10 pound maximum for a night. I am sure if me and my hubby could get some time together her relationship would be better. We go out seperately with friends quite often but can rarely do couple things- I have a few friends who will sit for a couple of hours but no one who can do a proper babysitting stint. Am I being selfish wanting some time alone with my DH or as my parents say 'if I am not willing to pay a teenager then our time will come in 10 years but dont rely on her as she has been there done that and now it is her time'

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 09/08/2015 13:53

'A few hours in the evening' = overseeing supper, homework, baths and bedtime. Depending on the number and behaviour of the children and the age of the grandparents it could be tiring, yes. But more importantly, it's boring. And if they don't want to do it I don't see why on earth they should.

peanutnutter · 09/08/2015 13:54

Yes but blood doesn't equal childcare. you can love a grandchild and not want to be responsible for childcare

EverydayAnya · 09/08/2015 13:54

Anyway OP did say it's not just the childcare. They are also disinterested in the children

mrsdavidbowie · 09/08/2015 13:54

our famies are intertwined in each others lives constantly
That would be intolerable for me!!!!
I do not propose to be a hands on grandmother. .I have totally forgotten everything about babies and have no wisdom to impart

AndNowItsSeven · 09/08/2015 13:55

I can't understand the " now is our time mentality" it's like raising children was one big chore and it's a relief it's over with.
Op your parents are selfish and they are missing out on precious time with their grandchildren.
Unfortunately you can't change this so you do need to find a reliable local teen.

Twinklestein · 09/08/2015 13:55

And generally gps who do evening childminding, usually get guilted into weekend break childcare.

peanutnutter · 09/08/2015 13:55

I can understand op feeling hurt that they are disinterested but also small children can be very tedious and tiring

Twinklestein · 09/08/2015 13:56

They're not missing out on 'precious time' they are choosing their time and exposure carefully so that it remains enjoyable rather than a chore.

peanutnutter · 09/08/2015 13:56

Mrs David Bowie were we separated at birth

ElsieMc · 09/08/2015 13:56

My GS's live with me as a grandparent carer. It is hard but you do adapt. I have the opposite problem to you in that although I do this willingly and knew full well what I was taking on, my dd regularly expects me to provide childcare for her third. I do have him fairly regularly but as I am getting older struggle with three. My conscience bothers me because I can see he feels a bit left out and sometimes asks to stay with me. To be honest, I am going to give in this week and have him for two days. He is fine when he is here.

However, that said I am absolutely dreading her asking me to help with the new baby (fourth)when it arrives. This sounds absolutely awful, but I just know that I have truly had enough.

I don't want to be harsh here but your parents are not to blame for your current problems with your DH. I go with the other posters and recommend you get a decent babysitter like they did. Clearly I write from a Grandparent perspective.

sleeponeday · 09/08/2015 13:57

I completely understand why you feel hurt (and those insisting your parents had no family help clearly missed the part where a great-aunt had you for the entire weekend once a month!).

The thing is, you are living with the situation as it is, and resenting your parents isn't about to make anything change. So you need to look into what options you can have that might make things different.

You aren't going to find decent childcare for a tenner a night. That seems really unlikely. But a fiver an hour may be realistic, if the kids are in bed already and all the sitter needs to do is watch a film and deal with any wakings. Have you thought about asking local nurseries and preschools? Often the staff there, if younger, are glad to supplement their wages that way, and you have the reassurance of knowing they are CRB checked etc. and interested in children. Even if you can only afford that once a month, it can make a big difference.

In terms of building the relationship with grandparents and grandchildren, have you thought of taking one child at a time? There will be less hysteria and hyping up that way, and it may go better.

I'm sorry if I missed this, but what is your relationship with your in-laws like? Kids usually have two sets of grandparents, after all.

peanutnutter · 09/08/2015 13:57

Andnowitsseven - in a nutshell yes

SurlyCue · 09/08/2015 13:58

it's like raising children was one big chore and it's a relief it's over with

Erm, for some people it genuinely is a massive long relentless chore and they are relieved when it is over. I'm not one of them as i love it but i can totally see how its a nightmare for some people.

mrsdavidbowie · 09/08/2015 13:58

peanut butter yes that's my view.
I doubt there will be grand children for at least 10 years here . by which time I will be 65 and having gap years.
I expect my DS will be living on the other side of the world too.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/08/2015 13:59

You haven't said how old your kids are OP?

Are your DH's parents around?

I think wanting and expecting your Ps to be involved are two very different things

I think you need to stop feeling like everyone needs to hlp you and start helping yourself. Sorry if that sounds harsh and I hope you can work something out

peanutnutter · 09/08/2015 14:00

Me too mrsdavidbowie

sleeponeday · 09/08/2015 14:00

However, that said I am absolutely dreading her asking me to help with the new baby (fourth)when it arrives. This sounds absolutely awful, but I just know that I have truly had enough.

Sounds awful? You sound an absolute bloody saint to me! You have her elder two living with you fulltime, she expects you to care for her third for days at a time, and now she is having a fourth? And you think (rightly, from the sounds) the expectations will remain the same? Wow. Just... wow.

Dragonsdaughter · 09/08/2015 14:01

Everydayanya - I just have no words

sleeponeday · 09/08/2015 14:03

Erm, for some people it genuinely is a massive long relentless chore and they are relieved when it is over. I'm not one of them as i love it but i can totally see how its a nightmare for some people.

It was for my mum. But she was a single parent with no support, and I do wonder if people who find it this hideous, relentless chore wouldn't be almost all of us if we didn't have the support we are lucky enough to call upon when needed.

I suspect OP is finding her parenting life a massive long relentless chore. Emphasis on the relentless. I have had relent, so I enjoy it, and if I'm a GP I hope I can pass that along.

Original poster

peppajay · 09/08/2015 14:05

Ok a few points to clarify - my parents had help from my great aunt who was like a nan to me as she lived in the next road. We usually went to hers for sleepovers or during the day and they paid our neighbour to sit of a sat evening. I should perhaps of worded it differently as is prob more the general lack of interest and the fact that the closeness between me and them has diminished since having children - whereas most people will say that there relationship has got much stronger since having children. I am always inviting them to come over and they do but only for an hour or so a every couple of months. She has even told my SIL think before having children as they will not be offering any help and my SIL's is from a different country so her parents are in Africa. We lived in a little village in the 70's where everyone knew everyone so paying a teenager was slightly different to what it is now, and we knew her well but we don't really know any teenagers and the paranoia in me id reluctant to just use anyone. I would never expect them to babysit regularly but would just like a little bit of help eveery now and then. They aren't interested in sports days or christmas concerts either- been there, done that. Their life is theirs now so I suppose I have to accept that!!!

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 09/08/2015 14:06

Oh & going out without fail doesn't make or break a relationship. Dh & I do not go out together, on a regular basis. In fact, I have been out by myself on more occasions than we have together, same for him. And things are great between us.

We make time for each other when the kids are in bed. He will have days off when the kids are in school & we make the most of it.

You adapt, because you have to.

it's like raising children was one big chore Well, let's face it, sometimes it is. And some people ARE relieved when it's over. Either way, the grandparents are well within their rights to step back now.

SurlyCue · 09/08/2015 14:07

Well OP has the option of finding that support, she just seems set on the idea that it has to come from two particular people and be free. Those two people dont share her view however and as they arent their GC's parents they are under no obligation to comply with her wishes. She has the option of paid for childcare. £40 every other month for a dinner out or cinema/theatre isnt that much. If you are insistent you need the break.

SurlyCue · 09/08/2015 14:10

OP there are actual babysitting services now. You dont have to depend on a random teen from the village.

Florriesma · 09/08/2015 14:12

Op they sound really selfish. Yanbu
To be completely uninterested in their dgc to the extent you describe is not normal. Mine aren't so good at babysitting for the odd evening these days but to be fair there is the odd (not major!) Health issue holding them back. However if it is in daylight hours I can absolutely rely in them for school plays and sports days. In a year's time ds will be old enough to get the train to their house in the holidays. Something they are all looking forward too.

All I can suggest having been there with the lack of evening childcare is make sure you get the dc to bed handy, have a nice meal and a did night regularly. It is hard but it gets better and keep an eye out for potential babysitters. Sadly 14yo would come with a visit from Ss these days .another fact gps like to conveniently forger.
Oh and remember all this when they need help. It will be your time then. They can buy the help in!

MarchLikeAnAnt · 09/08/2015 14:13

Do you have your kids in a routine and go to bed at a proper time? If you pop them in bed for 6:30/7:00pm then you have a couple of hours alone time every night.

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