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Original poster

No one to look after children -parents can't be bothered

156 replies

peppajay · 09/08/2015 10:43

Me and my Dh have been having problems for a long time. We never ever get time together as a couple basically because no one in our family actually gives a shit about us only themselves so we have no family help. I don't understand my parents - I have lots of respect for them in alot of ways as I had an absolutely fantastic childhood with so many happy memories they did everything for us and gave us so much love and attention my childhood was idillyc- but now is their time and they will not look after their grandchildren. They bore them apparently and they have far more important things to do. They have turned into child hating selfish self centred individuals who only care about themselves. My parents had a great relationship when I was little BUT every saturday night they went out as a couple without fail and they gave the 14 yr old next door a fiver for babysitting. We had a Great Auntie down the road who was a widow and adored kids so once a month my parents would go away for a weekend and leave us with her and we loved it. We have no one, my auntie used to be fantastic but she moved away to be near my cousin when she had her baby and she still feels guilty for 'leaving us' as now we don't have anyone!!! I look at these big happy families of cousins, aunties, grandmas and grandads, and think how wonderful it would to be to be part of that!!! Watching other kids on days out with their grandparents or sleepovers at their nan's my kids would love it but they don't want them!!! I know i cant force my parents to help us out but life would be so much easier. My mum says we should advertise for some random teenage girl and give her 10 pound maximum for a night. I am sure if me and my hubby could get some time together her relationship would be better. We go out seperately with friends quite often but can rarely do couple things- I have a few friends who will sit for a couple of hours but no one who can do a proper babysitting stint. Am I being selfish wanting some time alone with my DH or as my parents say 'if I am not willing to pay a teenager then our time will come in 10 years but dont rely on her as she has been there done that and now it is her time'

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 09/08/2015 13:21

I would like to point out to you OP that nowhere have you said that your parents had childcare support from their parents. So actually you are in the exact same position as they were- having to find your own childcare!

differentnameforthis · 09/08/2015 13:22

My children have never spent a night with their grandparents. It was never assumed that they would.

If we go out, MIL babysits, or a friend does but it is a couple of hours, not an all nighter.

Your parents are allowed to live their lives & if that doesn't involve babysitting for you, so be it.

VeganCow · 09/08/2015 13:26

You need to be counting your blessings here about your wonderful childhood, not resenting your parents. They did a fab job of being great parents, and now their parenting has stopped. You are lucky you had a nice childhood.

tinfoilhat · 09/08/2015 13:29

Bloody hell, I think there have been some pretty harsh responses here. Ffs, she's just wondering why they won't babysit OCCASIONALLY, not expecting them to childmind or do school runs everyday.

Op, you are not selfish. I totally understand why you feel hurt about it all. We haven't got any family who are either willing or able to babysit and I can't help feel sad that my children are missing out on having that excitement of one-2-one time with members of their own family.

RoobyTuesday · 09/08/2015 13:32

Well I don't think you are being at all unreasonable for feeling hurt and resentful that your parents who live nearby wouldn't be willing or WANT to spend time with your children at all - I can't understand why your mum doesn't see that that is hurtful. Is it really too much to ask that every now and then your parents babysit? I don't think so..
My parents live 300 miles away so they don't baby sit, in laws are close but we don't ask them to babysit very often as they help out with childcare during the day in the holidays or if the childminder is ill etc etc. I've had two nights out with DH in 4 years. We've had to just get on with it and unfortunately socialise separately. I know if my mum and dad were closer they would be happy to babysit every now and then, it's not like you're asking for a regular commitment.
It's not 'entitled' to expect your parents to occasionally babysit imo. Looks like you'll have to find a sitter elsewhere op but I think it's a real shame for you.

differentnameforthis · 09/08/2015 13:33

HPsauciness You can't define what "being a family is" for everyone.

OP's parents are entitled to not want to spend heaps of time with their grandchildren. They have raised their family, and want to pursue their hobbies & lifestyle now.

Surely that is what life is about. Not being "expected" to "do a stint" with the grandchildren.

Op, it's not you, it's them. I disagree, this IS the op & her high expectations.

By the logic on here, I should have told them I was busy/had finished the baby stage and to basically go fuck themselves. That isn't what anyone is saying at all. It's simply about what an individual chooses to do. In this case, her parents have decided that looking after children isn't something that they can commit to.

Just as her friends can't commit to more than a couple of hours. Enough time, btw, to have a nice meal out.

This is what parenting is. That is a sacrifice you make. You don't base that choice on whether your parents are happy to babysit or not.

Lightbulbon · 09/08/2015 13:33

Baby boomers as a generation are a selfish bunch!

brokenhearted55a · 09/08/2015 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peanutnutter · 09/08/2015 13:33

The ops thread title says it all. She expects her parents to babysit and thinks they are selfish for not doing so but the bottom line is they are the ops children therefore her responsibility. The grandparents are not obliged to help if they don't want to. Just because u have kids doesn't mean u have to babysit each bloody generation that appears

RoobyTuesday · 09/08/2015 13:34

The op says in her post that her parents used to leave them with the great aunt for a weekend every now and then so actually her parents DID have help.

SurlyCue · 09/08/2015 13:38

The op says in her post that her parents used to leave them with the great aunt for a weekend every now and then so actually her parents DID have help.

Yes, but not from their parents. Which is what OP is complaining about. They didnt have help from their parents, they found it elsewhere. Which is what OP needs to do if she wants to go out.

SurlyCue · 09/08/2015 13:42

Ive never spent a night at a grandparents' house. My babysitters were teen cousins (paid) and aunts who my parents returned the favour for on a regular basis (so not 'free'). As a teen i did the younger cousin babysitting (paid) and as a parent my baby sitters were teen cousins (paid) and now they see their dad EOW so i try and plan my nights out for that.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/08/2015 13:45

I'm sorry you're getting such an unsympathetic hearing on here. I don't think it is unreasonable to be able to ask GP to babysit sometimes, and I'm wondering what your parents issue is that they really couldn't babysit occasionally.
FWIW, I don't think you'd find a babysitter for £10 an evening, more like £40! We could never afford to pay babysitters and go out as well, so went separately, asked Mum occasionally ( she didn't like doing weekends) and swapped every now again with friends. Mostly socialised with other friends with DC same age, so kids would be there but staying up late and having fun with their mates too. It was a bit chaotic, but there was very little alternative.

OP, have you told your Mum that you don't get babysitters for £10 an evening these days? Does she know how desperate you are to go out just sometimes with your DH, that your relationship is suffering? Could it be that she doesn't want to make a regular commitment but might be able to help once every few months or so?

EverydayAnya · 09/08/2015 13:45

This is one of those topics on MN which is such a disconnect from the real world it's unbelievable. It always comes up and the same responses too. I know zero people whose parents are so disinterested in their grandchildren.
The idea that it's entitled/selfish/unreasonable to want your parents to be interested in their grandchildren and spend a few hours with them in the evening is shocking to me.

It's also a race thing tbh. Brown people just don't have this issue. Our families are intertwined in each other's lives constantly the idea that my mum or mil wouldn't look after DS for a few hours in just not conceivable to me. They both have toys at their house and grand kids are a BIG deal in Asian families.

Every time I read a thread like this I just shake my head in wonder. The cultural differences are astounding to me. It's another world out there for sure for some people. Thankfully not mine.

RoobyTuesday · 09/08/2015 13:46

Well we don't know whether the OP's grandparents were nearby or even alive when she was younger so I don't know how you can make that assumption?

HermioneWeasley · 09/08/2015 13:46

We don't have any family help either - you'll have to find a reliable babysitter. Makes for expensive nights out though.

Twinklestein · 09/08/2015 13:47

The idea that gps have a duty to provide free childcare is an anathema to me.

GPs should be free to spend quality enjoyable time with their gc without being burdened with long hours of exhausting, unpaid childcare.

They're old, they've done their bit working hard and bringing up family.

You want to go out, you pay a babysitter, and stop feeling sorry yourself.

EverydayAnya · 09/08/2015 13:47

In fact in typical indian style they would both be offended that I paid a stranger to look after their grandchild

RoobyTuesday · 09/08/2015 13:47

^toSurlyCue

SurlyCue · 09/08/2015 13:48

Well we don't know whether the OP's grandparents were nearby or even alive when she was younger so I don't know how you can make that assumption?

What assumption?

EverydayAnya · 09/08/2015 13:48

A few hours in the evening is hardly 'long exhausting hours' though is it?

Twinklestein · 09/08/2015 13:50

The idea that it's entitled/selfish/unreasonable to want your parents to be interested in their grandchildren and spend a few hours with them in the evening is shocking to me.

You've completely missed the point, wishing your parents to have a relationship with your children, is a completely different issue to expecting them to provide free childcare.

GPs should be allowed to cherry pick the fun bits of having gc, seeing them in small doses if necessary so that they don't get exhausted by them.

peanutnutter · 09/08/2015 13:50

I for one have finished my child rearing days and love having my freedom which is why I am not going to be on tap childcare for any grandchildren. how is that selfish? you choose to have children you don't choose to have grandchildren

EverydayAnya · 09/08/2015 13:52

But they are your blood . They are your family...
Sorry that's how it works for us anyway

EverydayAnya · 09/08/2015 13:53

Like I said...a different culture

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