No one to look after children -parents can't be bothered

[peppajay]

Me and my Dh have been having problems for a long time. We never ever get time together as a couple basically because no one in our family actually gives a shit about us only themselves so we have no family help. I don't understand my parents - I have lots of respect for them in alot of ways as I had an absolutely fantastic childhood with so many happy memories they did everything for us and gave us so much love and attention my childhood was idillyc- but now is their time and they will not look after their grandchildren. They bore them apparently and they have far more important things to do. They have turned into child hating selfish self centred individuals who only care about themselves. My parents had a great relationship when I was little BUT every saturday night they went out as a couple without fail and they gave the 14 yr old next door a fiver for babysitting. We had a Great Auntie down the road who was a widow and adored kids so once a month my parents would go away for a weekend and leave us with her and we loved it. We have no one, my auntie used to be fantastic but she moved away to be near my cousin when she had her baby and she still feels guilty for 'leaving us' as now we don't have anyone!!! I look at these big happy families of cousins, aunties, grandmas and grandads, and think how wonderful it would to be to be part of that!!! Watching other kids on days out with their grandparents or sleepovers at their nan's my kids would love it but they don't want them!!! I know i cant force my parents to help us out but life would be so much easier. My mum says we should advertise for some random teenage girl and give her 10 pound maximum for a night. I am sure if me and my hubby could get some time together her relationship would be better. We go out seperately with friends quite often but can rarely do couple things- I have a few friends who will sit for a couple of hours but no one who can do a proper babysitting stint. Am I being selfish wanting some time alone with my DH or as my parents say 'if I am not willing to pay a teenager then our time will come in 10 years but dont rely on her as she has been there done that and now it is her time'

I have no baby sitting relatives and no expectation of help either.

Can you work out a baby sitting swap with friends?

You had the children. We don't have any family who can help nearby and we just suck it up. It would be nice to get some time together but until ds is old enough for a paid sitter it's our problem not anyone else's not any of our relatives.
Not sure entitled is the right word but maybe you seem a little immature making your problem an issue with them.
The question should have been - with no family help how do you get alone time with dp not an issue with your parents.

Love the answer "ask your au pair."

I sympathise OP because my parents spend all their time looking after my sibling's children and it does rankle when they never offer to help us out. The two occasions we asked for help last year (for special events) they were 'ill' when the date rolled round so we won't ask again. We just accept that we have to pay a babysitter for a night out and this means we very rarely get out. And yes, it does affect our marriage at times but this stage won't last forever.

I'll also freely admit that when my parents are older I will be expecting my sibling to 'repay' the help they got when it comes to care. What goes round comes round.

Peanutnutter, would you really not babysit your grandchildren occasionally?

I know there are lots of couples who don't have family to rely on but in this case the OP does have parents, and I don't understand their selfishness at all. As a parent of adult children, and a grandparent of one, I don't believe that my responsibility stopped when they reached 18 and I can't understand why any parent wouldn't want to support their adult children in any way they can. I adore my DDG and our bond is definitely strengthened by the times we have together, including sleepovers. I can't imagine not having that, and I know my DD and her DH appreciate the time to themselves.
In this case, I agree that the OP should pay a sitter or join a babysitting circle to solve the couple-time issue, but can quite understand why she feels resentful.

My parents moved away when DD was 18 months. Me and ex had two more children after that. Childcare was our responsibility.

My issue is that you don't seem bothered that your children aren't having a relationship with their grandparents, it's all about you wanting a babysitter and expecting your parents to do that. Seems quite selfish on your part. If all you care about is getting a babysitter then pay for one.

absolutely not imperial. I intend to be enjoying myself and tbh I am not very good with children. I am happy to dogsit though

I found three great babysitters on gumtree, all with experience and childcare qualifications.

I suck up the costs or stay in.

Your parents aren't obliged to offer you childcare, but in any case would you really want your poor kids being forced to spend time with people who find them 'boring' and see them as an imposition?

Wow a big response. It is so difficult because the kids love seeing them and when we do see them once every few months they are so overly excited and hyped up that they do find them hard work. I know if we didn't have kids we would see a lot more of them. They were never desperate for grandkids and my brother is single and they see a lot of him and his partner but I know when and if he starts a family they would see less of him. think I find it hard to understand as most of my friends have a lot of help from grandparents and over the holidays I have become quite friendly with 2 grandma's who think my mum's view is very very odd - they adore every minute they spend with their grandkids whereas mine detest it!! One night surely wouldn't hurt would it!

It isn't just the babysitting it is the general lack if interest in general I just don't get it!!

I don't want to look after small children especially if they're hyper and over excited.

How old are they?
Just pay a fiver an hour for a local teenager .

I was with you until you said 'one night wouldn't hurt, would it?'.

Your parents are not free childcare. They don't want to babysit. That doesn't make them bad people. They have a relationship with their grandchildren but it sounds like they find them exhausting. He would they want 'overly excited and hyped up' children overnight without you there.

Just pay for a babysitter.

Why can't you pay a babysitter'

I can understand grandparents not wanting a bunch of rowdy children running around, however closely related they are, but I just can't imagine not wanting to spend time with my grandchildren, when I'm lucky enough to have them. My neighbour has a room for her grandchildren to sleep in with toys etc and I think that's nearer to how I'd like to be. They don't run round and make a lot of noise when they're with their grandparents, though, and my children were the same with theirs; it was as though they accepted they didn't behave like that in their gp's home.

I think as they get older and don't want to be entertained the relationship will become better. If they would just watch TV or go on the play station when the gp's were with them we would see them alot more but at the moment they want them to play games or watch their little shows!! I know from friends who have the kids grandparents see them daily or even weekly it isn't such a novelty so there kids just do their own thing when the grandparents are round
!

Do you ever invite your parents to the fun times or just expect them to do the hard work of babysitting?

a proper stint - really?! Your kids your responsibility,

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread- entitled, selfish, they see them once every few months!

That's what being in a family is, sitting with older people and going their pace for a walk, being around bouncy children every now and again.

Op, it's not you, it's them.

My DH and I have much the same problem only my parents live thousands of miles away and while his are closer (but a short plane ride away) they have very little interest in our ds. We don't go out that much but really it would be lovely to have some family close by particularly for emergencies. My PIL are fairly dysfunctional and disorganised so we just accept their lack of interest but other grandparents seem more involved and want to be around. My parents are much more involved with ds via Skype and they visit when they can and they are mystified by the lack of engagement from the other in laws.

I think these grandparents are very selfish.

Families help eachother. A child is a family member for life, not for 18 or 16 years.

Refusing to do the odd evening of babysitting, once every couple of months, is selfish and mean unless they are ill.

My SIL and DB had a baby and they needed a few bits (babygros etc, baby not the expected size!). By the logic on here, I should have told them I was busy/had finished the baby stage and to basically go fuck themselves. Actually I enjoyed getting a few bits for their baby and they were grateful. My kids saw their baby cousin and everyone happy.

Entitled? Fuck yes, you are entitled to think of your parents as people who might give a shit about helping you out in a very minor way. Assholes.

I ADORE my niece and nephew and would take a bullet for them. I wouldn't babysit them on a regular basis, though. Spending time with them whenever possible, yes. But on a regular schedule? No. That doesn't mean I love them any less.

Some grandparents would be delighted at the opportunity of babysitting their grandchildren, others - like yours - refuse to. Being a grandparent is not the same thing as being a grandparent. I understand that you are disappointed, but they are under no obligation. Find a nice babysitter whom your children like.

*Being a grandparent is not the same thing as being a PARENT. Gah!

There are a llot of grandparents Who won't look after small children. You aren't alone in this. They have done their dues and it is their turn to relax and do whatever they want. They didn't choose to have them so why should they be interested?

My parents is overseas and MIL is local. DD1 is 4yo and MIL has not ever taken her out alone. She only plays with then when she's around our place. She claims the children is too lively for her. After a bit of play she goes and sit down and have her rest. I don't blame her. It would be lovely to have more involved grandparents. But we can't choose it.

DH and I have lunch dates instead of hiring a sitter in the evenings. We have nursery paid for so we just take our annual leave and use it to do our own things for birthdays and anniversaries.