No one to look after children -parents can't be bothered

[peppajay]

Me and my Dh have been having problems for a long time. We never ever get time together as a couple basically because no one in our family actually gives a shit about us only themselves so we have no family help. I don't understand my parents - I have lots of respect for them in alot of ways as I had an absolutely fantastic childhood with so many happy memories they did everything for us and gave us so much love and attention my childhood was idillyc- but now is their time and they will not look after their grandchildren. They bore them apparently and they have far more important things to do. They have turned into child hating selfish self centred individuals who only care about themselves. My parents had a great relationship when I was little BUT every saturday night they went out as a couple without fail and they gave the 14 yr old next door a fiver for babysitting. We had a Great Auntie down the road who was a widow and adored kids so once a month my parents would go away for a weekend and leave us with her and we loved it. We have no one, my auntie used to be fantastic but she moved away to be near my cousin when she had her baby and she still feels guilty for 'leaving us' as now we don't have anyone!!! I look at these big happy families of cousins, aunties, grandmas and grandads, and think how wonderful it would to be to be part of that!!! Watching other kids on days out with their grandparents or sleepovers at their nan's my kids would love it but they don't want them!!! I know i cant force my parents to help us out but life would be so much easier. My mum says we should advertise for some random teenage girl and give her 10 pound maximum for a night. I am sure if me and my hubby could get some time together her relationship would be better. We go out seperately with friends quite often but can rarely do couple things- I have a few friends who will sit for a couple of hours but no one who can do a proper babysitting stint. Am I being selfish wanting some time alone with my DH or as my parents say 'if I am not willing to pay a teenager then our time will come in 10 years but dont rely on her as she has been there done that and now it is her time'

only on mumsnet are children solely the parents responsibility it takes a villiage people! (ymca)

my mom would never babysit for me ever she was a selfish cow and yes i can call her that because her family spent a lot of time looking after her children my nan (who was ill) looked after my sister so my mom could work however she also took her overnight so she could spend time with her husband my other nan (my moms mother) would provide childcare for her in the holidays again so she could work but my nan was actually working too so we would be there when she was working (oap warden) my aunts used to babysit us too my cousins would regularly babysit so she could have a day/night out with her husband this is the woman who told me having kids is hard and sometimes you need to suck it up and you made your bed you lie in it etc etc she also refused to help me with out of childcare hours care so i could take a job as she "might" want to go out that night

my ex husband's family is the same you should go out more as a couple ok when can you babysit? oh um well you see we might want to go away or we need to do some shopping that night (two weeks notice and they decided on the spot that was the night they "had" to go shopping) ex husband refused to have anyone BUT family babysit so we never went out then we split up and he goes around telling people its my fault we never went anywhere

look if its that important use that online sitters service people are always advertising dont ask people who clearly aren't interested

My own parents and in laws rarely had much to do with my two unless it really was an emergency. We were told, If you have children , you look after them and put them first. They saw them , and loved them, but that was all. I do understand how you feel, we had friends who were forever having weekends away, free childcare as their parents were the opposite to this. i was a bit jealous at first, but we got on with it and had to accept it. They had done their bit bringing us up. I have met a few people whose parents were the same, but generally nowadays, its almost expected that grandparents pitch in. I do find this odd, but probably because our own parents didnt.
You will need to try to find your own childcare, might be worth contacting a local childminder, she (or he) might know someone who does babysitting and has references.

I am also surprised by many of these responses. Should any of my children choose to become parents themselves, my husband and I are fully prepared to help them with childcare. Our kids are still teenagers, but we have already discussed this as part of our retirement plan.

Dragons No words about what?

Hey OP I do understand your sadness that your parents don't seem that interested in your children, that must be hard. For very different reasons, my parents have never been around to babysit, and, yes, at times that has made it hard for DH and I to go out, but we've had to accept that and make other arrangements. How is your relationship with your parents otherwise? I understand you don't want just anyone babysitting your children, and good babysitters cost, but if finance is an issue, could you, for instance, ask your parents for some help to fund a sitter every once in a while? You could make it your birthday/Christmas/anniversary gift from them if that helps???

I know it's exhausting having little ones and finding time for each other, but you may have to be inventive - takeaways, DVD's, cooking romantic meals for each other etc etc. I know it's not the same, but it is something, and if your relationship is tricky, you may both need to accept that going out regularly isn't an option and start making an effort in other ways. I may be wrong, but it sounds a bit like you are blaming your problems with DH on your parents a little bit, which may actually be stopping you both from really looking at what you can do to make it better. Sorry if I've read that wrong.

I have five dc and I love them dearly, their grandparents loved them dearly but they visited or we visited or we went on days out with them. They were fun grandparents but they never once babysat because they didn't want that caring role and I respected their choices so never asked. I used babysitters and paid a good rate so that I got babysitters that I trusted and my children were happy with.
When my dc have their own children I won't be their babysitter either. I want to have the same sort of relationship that my children had with their grandparents. If desperate I would help them source and even pay for a babysitter but it's not something I will be doing personally.My dc are fully aware of my stance and tbh to them it's the norm so it isn't an issue.

I have five dc and I love them dearly, their grandparents loved them dearly but they visited or we visited or we went on days out with them. They were fun grandparents but they never once babysat because they didn't want that caring role and I respected their choices so never asked. I used babysitters and paid a good rate so that I got babysitters that I trusted and my children were happy with.
When my dc have their own children I won't be their babysitter either. I want to have the same sort of relationship that my children had with their grandparents. If desperate I would help them source and even pay for a babysitter but it's not something I will be doing personally.My dc are fully aware of my stance and tbh to them it's the norm so it isn't an issue.

I have five dc and I love them dearly, their grandparents loved them dearly but they visited or we visited or we went on days out with them. They were fun grandparents but they never once babysat because they didn't want that caring role and I respected their choices so never asked

Exactly.

I've made the most of my child free time but never expected. I never asked for child care and DH and I took the financial hit if me being a SAHM.

No way on earth I would ever expect a regular arrangement if I'd needed that I'd have paid for someone. If my parents had wanted to do it and offered, I'd have accepted and respected if they'd needed toot out again but I'd never have asked.

So many typos, sorry

everydayanya speechless for the racism?
I'm Chinese and while it is common in my culture to have extended family living in each other's pockets, it's not for me. I know other Chinese mums who have parents over from China 6mo at a time to provide free childcare. (Own parents and in laws will give year round free childcare). This sounds like personal hell to me.

My MIL is British and I fully understand and support her wish to only spend time with her GC with us around. It's called respecting her desire and wishes. Why can't you understand it? Instead of throwing lazy racial stereotypes around? FWIW I know plenty of British grandparents providing daily childcare for their GCs.

I see both sides. I've just had a massive argument with dh about my parents and our children. He thinks that my parents should get from the relationship what they put in. They will babysit if they aren't busy and they do help with buying clothes, but they have busy schedules and don't ask to see the grandchildren much.
However when we do see them ddad blethers about what a great relationship he has with his gcs and how he is pleased that dc1 trusts him so much especially as dc1 is on the autistic spectrum. This grates on me. When dc3 was born ddad couldn't rearrange an event he was part of to look after dc1&2 because ddad was just too important a part of this event. But he knew that dc1 was very stressed about our friend coming to look after him. If family was so important he would have made arrangements and put his gs first.
Ddad can't have it both ways. He presents himself as a doting grandfather but when it mattered to his gc he wasn't there for them.

Again however I still want my dcs to have a relationship with my parents so will do the ringing and organising. Dh thinks I should stop and wait for my parents to ask to see their gcs.

My PIL's would not babysit and my parents were both dead, so I formed a local baby sitting circle, with other Mums from the local toddler group, it worked very well.
DH and I did not get to go away on our own until our oldest was 19 and could easily look after his younger siblings!

Are you sure OP that your problems all stem from having no "alone time"? Perhaps your marital problems run a bit deeper than that but you are loathed to admit it?

Just a thought.

We're in the same boat, no help from parents on either side. We just have a reliable babysitter and pay well to get someone we trust. I also feel sad when I see big happy families out and about on Sunday afternoons and hear of friends booking holidays while their parents take care of the grandkids but not much we can do about it. It is what it is.

Huge fistbump because my parents are the same. DHs parents have died and even when MIL was dying a horrible death from terminal cancer my parents didn't once offer to have the kids. And when I asked for them to have them overnight so we could go clear out MILs house I got told I had to pick them up early as my Mum had ironing to do. Wtf.

My parents have just taken my kids to South Africa with them for 6 weeks (they're teachers). During this time we're moving house and I'm starting a new job. I knew that even arranging childcare over the holidays would not provide them with the same experience.

I do worry that my parents will come back exhausted though saying 'Never again!' My kids are 4 and 5.

It's actually quite upsetting to read that it's 'entitled' to wish your parents helped you out occasionally. Especially because my gran practically raised us at times but my mum does nothing for us.

We only want the odd night away FFS not regular childcare. In our case it's particularly galling because she does huge amounts of childcare AND babysitting for my sibling's children then whinges about it. I can't even be bothered listening to it anymore.

Anyway sorry OP. This thread has touched a nerve. I feel your pain!

my parents moved over 400 miles away from their parents when my sister and I were small. They paid teenagers to babysit- as my parents were quite young they went out quite a lot- clubbing etc. They generally found them through asking for recommendations from other parents. We loved having babysitters. We got to stay up late, play games and eat chocolate, and my parents got a night out.

Big sympathy to op and others on here. It's not just about getting babysitting/free child care, as it can feel very hurtful when your parents don't seem to give a shit. It's hard when so many wonderful grandparents are involved and you see it. It's your parents' and in laws choice and there's not much point getting stressed over it I guess, as you can't change other people. My husband and I see the lack of support as another example of what not to do! My parenting duties won't end until the end of my days, not when my children become adults and I would want to have a relationship with my grandchildren and be as involved as possible.

I have to admit it does annoy me sometimes when people have children and then expect free unlimited childcare for work and leisure. However I do feel some sympathy for OP especially as her parents seem heartbreakingly disinterested in their grandchildren.

We are in same situation as OP- I ds and a dd on the way, and no one really to babysit. Unlike OP's parents though my mother would love to see her grandchild more but can't due to illness. She is determined to help out with DS when DD is born but in reality probably won't be well enough to. Yet even if she was well I would never expect her to babysit every weekend. She always looked after us when we were young so I've never known differently. But sometimes it's hard when just want to go out together alone for an evening once in a while but can't and it seems like everyone else can.

Op I'd agree paying for babysitter is probably the best solution. Don't know if this is possible for you but occasionally we both had a weekday off and if DS was in nursery all day we would go to cinema and have lunch.

Also I used to be so jealous of my neighbours- grandparents took kids every weekend so they could party. They had lots of 'couple' time but they still split up...

I would like to point out to you OP that nowhere have you said that your parents had childcare support from their parents. So actually you are in the exact same position as they were- having to find your own childcare

I agree with this.

An aunt sometimes liked after the OP and at other times they paid babysitters....

*looked after

But Peanut. Peppa isn't saying her children are her parents responsibility, but flamed as I may be for this I'm a big I can take it so I will say it anyway. Looking after your grandchildren even if it is just once a week is just part of being a grand parent. And that won't wash oh but op's parents hAvd done their bit, well so has my mum, but she still helps out with the GC's when she needed. I mean if they can't through ill health or commitments changes the whole dynamics of the situation but just to refuse because you can't be bothered. Well nothing will convince me that is not lousy.
I had a friend who had to pay her mum to mind her dd. fancy wanting paying for having the pleasure of your grandchild. Some people really are weird,

I disagree about babysitting being part of being a grandparent tbh. A grandparent has no obligation to provide childcare if they don't wish to. I won't be doing so certainly. I chose to have my children and therefore the responsibility is all mine much like when my parents had us.
A grandparent doesn't need to provide childcare to have a good relationship with their dc and gc IME. My children saw lots of their GP's, we went on holiday with them even and whilst dp's were happy to build sandcastles,go rockpooling or join in any other activity the washing, dressing, feeding and toileting were most definitely mine and dh's responsibility.

i really feel for you.

bottom line is you can't do anything about their disinterest or lack of help.

you HAVE GOT to find someone to babysit. or do a club with your friends. you have to look after your marriage regardless of your relationship with your parents and having time together is really important.