Hobbit's Bar is still open.... Still finding it hard.. Part 12 .

[Hobbitwife001]

Well ladies and gentlemen, we're still open for business, this shit is still hard and we are still KOKO ing .....

Jess still finds time to support our endeavours with her Jessagrams...

Let's carry on shall we...

Hi Team Hobbit,

I had a lovely weekend with my 3 year old (other DCs on holiday with my parents). He was great company, I filled our time with activities and meals out, and lots of snuggles.

It was tinged with sadness and anger that DH is missing out on all these wonderful moments with DS, and you become very aware that all around you are happy families. But it's his loss, not mine.

I said to DS one morning 'what would you like to do today?' and he said ' I want to see my Daddy' - which gave me a weep, but since has fuelled my anger at DH's inability to sort this situation out one way or another, and how he can possibly choose OW over this gorgeous little man.

We had no contact from DH over the weekend, and he didn't contact on my return to talk as he said he would. Not surprised - the eternal coward. He's still wallowing in self-pity and avoidance rather than on his responsibility to DS.

I called him this morning, as I want to agree arrangements moving forward, and told him if he doesn't show up again, the rest of his belongings (yes, 6 months on, half of his clothes are still here) will be outside in bin bags.

He seems to expect endless patience and understanding for how stressed and difficult he's finding his life. Do they really think they're entitled to wallow so much without accepting blame for their situation??

I am KOKO, hope you all are too x

Hello Hobbiteers

How are you all? Truly, I'm glad you had a lovely weekend with your little one.

I have (today) decided I'm done with this bullshit. I see no point in taking someone to relationship counselling who sees no point.

I am furious at him that he honestly believes EOW is good enough and that he's not like his dad because he loves his kids. Yada yada and "1 in 2 marriages ends in divorce" - such a defeatist attitude. He has problems of his own so he can just fuck off and deal with them. When my children are old enough they'll see that he bailed and chose another family over his own (he's only 30 so will move on).

I had to see the nurse this morning and cried - she rushed me an emergency appt with the doc who seems more worried about me having a SHL and worrying about a possible dependency on the Valium and sleeping tablets she gave me. I told her I'd never been strong mentally and was about to tell her of my psychiatric past when she said "we can't talk about that - they might take your children away". Um cheers.

He's coming tomorrow to see our eldest start school and then it'll be EOW. I've put in the comms book that he just needs to crack on with the divorce naming her for adultery.

I have no idea what my future holds, but I will figure it out in time.

I'm also going to tell MIL that I want NC because it just rubs it in my face that I no longer have a family. If I'm to be on my own with the children, so be it. No dangling a lost past in my face.

KOKO I suppose but fuck me it's hard and I have so much resentment.

truly and swiss my heart goes out to you my lovely girls, it is so hard this shit we have to deal with through no fault of our own.

Whatever we can do to help, or just listen or hand hold, we are here.

There will be a crash coming for you both, don't worry about that , it is inevitable when the realisation hits that your family unit is damaged by the selfish idiots and is now irreparable.

At least now the agony of the indecision is over.
Sending you love and strength, focus on your children and your future with them, they are the most important facet of your recovery. Xx

I'm not sure how much further I can crash - I've been suicidal twice in the last month (I have previous). I'm hopefully on a bit of an up, or perhaps just resigned to it. I realise now that I left in the midst of a breakdown... and instead of "seeing it" or helping me, he just let me go and now says "you made the move I couldn't". So weak.

He's got them this weekend, I'm not sure what I'm going to do but figured I'd better come up with a list of "things" to do, e.g., sort out a pile of DVDs I can watch, do some Yoga, visit a friend - actually I think he wants a lift to the airport. Sleep, smoke, walk on the beach. Scream. Rage.

I'd happily meet up with for you for a coffee and a rant if you are nearby. I'm KOKOing here but it was tough today. Demanding day at work when I was feeling a bit wobbly. Heading home soon though.

Hello all.

Awake in the early hours again. In a few weeks it will be for totally different reasons!
Well ex cracked up on Monday after another angry outburst turned to tears and admission of guilt. It's funny how I'm somehow expected to listen with endless patience to the man who wouldn't even answer the phone to me when I was broken. It makes me see how far I've come, I thought I'd find it really hard not to say come back let's try but I didn't, I really don't love him anymore, I just pity him and his life and am disappointed in the decisions he's made. My only concern over him now is how his behaviour is going to impact our children long term. He needs to get a bloody grip like the rest of us have had to. The world does not stop turning because he is finding it too hard to face the reality of what he has done.

In other news the last weeks of pregnancy are tough, although I'm ok physically and still managing everything, I'm now diabetic and injecting insulin and testing my
Blood and worrying about everything being ok with the small person inside me who's travelled this journey with me full of stress and anguish. I just hope he/she is ok.

Koko everyone, the tough times make us appreciate the good and the moments of clarity. You are all far stronger than you know.

Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of no where and sometimes in the middle of nowhere you find yourself.

In so many ways I thought, "what a lovely post 2little". I do hope you'll keep us updated on the baby situation?

2little well done you You have managed to rise above all his shit and now have all your priorities firmly in place - and they don't include him! Yes it will probably be difficult re his behaviour and the future but perhaps once he comes to terms with the situation (he has created) things might improve?

Sorry to hear about the diabetes - just one more thing to deal with, but I'm sure you will be getting all the help you need with this from the medical profession.

What a good, positive post xx

Hello2little my love, you just have to rise above his pathetic, selfish behaviour, how dare he be angry at you because he's feeling guilty! I think it will escalate as the birth draws nearer.

Please focus on you and your health and your little ones. You sound so strong and positive even when you have so much on your plate.

He will have massive regrets in the future over what he has done, but that's not your concern. He is an archetypal narcissist, and that's not going to change. Take care of yourself, xx

Took a valium an hour before he turned up this morning so felt pretty chilled when he got here. We took DS1 for his first day at school and then came back for a coffee until pick up time (10:30). He asked why I'd cancelled counselling - said I couldn't see a point as he saw no point in it. Later me and DS1 left to go and pick up DS2 from nursery and he was looking really "sad" at the situation - i.e., big exciting day and "normal family life" and as he got in his car I said "this is it, you don't get this anymore". I pulled the car up about 10 miles down the road just before turning into nursery and said "do you want to come in and see DS2?", "no, because you're being horrible to me". Oh. Do. Fuck. Off.

So that's what you get for telling it how it is...

2little2late I hope all is well with you despite the shortness of sleep. You're right - the depth of impact long-term for the children - they just don't see that. All this quacking about "I love my kids, I just want to see my kids". Well fucknuts, you could've seen them 365 days a year but you didn't have the balls to step up within the confines of a marriage to their mother. Idiots. Not a chess player amongst them!

2little, hopefully you've got the diabetes under control and it clears up when your baby is born. This stage of pregnancy is very hard when you've got a toddler to take care of too, very hard to get any comfortable rest!
Swiss - I can't believe he is penalising dS2 because he didn't like what you were saying, it's really not fair on the DC's at all.

Hope everyone is ok this morning, 2little, are you alright?
Thinking of all you ladies, , xx

Acceptance

I've been reading a lot about acceptance. How I have to move on from Denial and accept that this is actually happening. I have to move on from hoping he'll come home and accept that the relationship is over. The books tell me I have to accept, my friends tell, my counsellor tells me.

So, I work on it. I notice every time there's a thought or action that indicates I've moved on from denial. I challenge myself every time I have an unaccepting thought or wish for him to come home. And I start to feel good. I feel calm, I feel accepting. I feel positive. I think about the future, I make plans for this afternoon, I start to believe that the future holds promise and happiness at some point.

And I get to this point in the day and congratulate myself and realise that I can't wait for DP to get in and to tell him all about the successful day I've had accepting .

Hi

inspiring comments & posts . As the days seem to be shortening , I wanted to say to those still really struggling to carry on posting. It really helps to get it off your chest .

During the journey , there are many ups & downs still , even for those like me many months along the path chosen by my ExW ( I didn't choose it, but I am walking it , sometimes whistling, occasionally weeping, a little ).

ExW has been in touch again about her mental state . I am not being cruel nor callous but what does she expect ? For a fling based on sex she is now reaping what she sowed/sewed ?? Anyway I haven't entertained her bleating.

God it is so predictable . I remember the early nights last year thinking I would never get over it, but , yes I am . Just getting one room repainted and I am loving it. Second hand sofa for my dog ! New but old IYKWIM ! New pictures. Lots of photographs to put in frames reminding me who I love.

By posting here I am saying that little things do help. A friend in the village who kicked her twunt out last June after 20 yrs said the first thing she changed was the coffee & tea caddies !

Small things lead to bigger things I guess certainly mentally.

BTW - I weeped slightly tonight but it is OK to still weep because this is like a bereavement but probably , sometimes, tougher ? After all this shit is hard, as we say.

KOKO XXX.

Your posts always give me something to think about Drifted. You reminded me, when he left the first thing I changed was the bedside lamp..I'd broken mine years ago and had been using DC's Winnie the Pooh lamp ever since! Little thing, but it felt good.
Myturn, you are doing ok just KOKO. If it's any consolation, my H was round to see the kids last night, I was doing jobs, it was like any normal day before he left and when he came to say goodbye, I forgot for a moment that we're separated and hugged him. Glad the DCs didn't see, that'd be confusing..

When arsehole left I threw away every bit of bedding, including duvet and pillows, gave the bed to one of my sons till I get him his own double bed; threw away the pictures on the wall, then left the room and used it to store crap until I painted it, varnished the floorboards a dark rather than light colour....and ten months down the line, I have moved into MY bedroom. I'm using a single bed for now, but I've turned the bed round the other way, and have used different furniture too. And DS2 has given me his old TV, so I now have a TV in my room. I love MY bedroom!

my turn I know what you mean about that habit of expecting to tell them stuff you've done or achieved. I felt like that when I've done certain things. But eventually the habit gets broken, and you realise you don't need validation from anyone else, or maybe you get it from elsewhere,,whether that be a friend or relative. In my case my young adult sons. Also I realised very quickly that he resents any suggestion that I may be "moving on" to coin that bloody phrase, so he wouldn't praise me anyway. Oh the irony of them resenting us moving on. I read this in a thread before all my shit happened. Same type of thread as this, lots posting. I think the thread was five years old. I do wonder what became of those women. That thread was so useful to me in the early days of him leaving. And I hope that others get the same use from reading the many threads in this series. There is definitely life post all this stuff. Ten months on, still no movement on starting negotiations, and he's becoming more angry and bitter with every communication. But I'm nicely detached from it all, stay calm up against his vile drivel, and really value being free from all the crap that went with his affair. Take heart. I think most of us thought life would never get better. It does.

Myturn - very powerful. I found the the thought of self-help books flitting round my brain the other day and with it came the acceptance of "here we go again"... It was 2002 my shelves were last filled with such healing prose.

Ex, having been quite "sharp" with me earlier in the week telling me never to contact him except in an emergency has instead been reaching out to me as he's had a tough few days with his car - which is now dead. Which means I need to deliver the DC's for their weekend visit. I took the bait last night when he didn't reply to a message for 2 hrs by saying if he'd found a way to get to hers for the evening he could figure out how to get the children. I think he's discovering life can be tricky without someone to do all that "wife work".

He's agreed to contact me every 12 hours to let me know he's not "done a runner" with the kids due to my current heightened levels of anxiety.

I'm feeling a little stronger due to a dazzling array of meds. For my weekend alone I'm going to do some yoga, watch a film or two, finish an audio book, take some junk to the village skip and get out on the hills. Or perhaps sob into my wine.

You are all so strong and I look to you all further on your journey and take comfort in the fact "it'll be ok".

I bought some lovely swishy curtains for my living room and am slowly but surely decorating everything to my taste.

For my weekend alone I'm going to do some yoga, watch a film or two, finish an audio book, take some junk to the village skip and get out on the hills.

This sounds perfect - a mixture of pleasures and "masteries". I think it would be helpful to summarise my plan for the weekend in a similar way.

I started listening to a positive morning meditation thing but gave up. However, one line that really stuck out for me was, "you know some of the things that are going to happen today, but you don't know everything that's going to happen today". I've found it useful to 'listen' to my day and notice the unexpected (positive) things that happen that I hadn't expected.

Hope all are well. How are weekends looking?

Alive. Despite having no children in the house was still awake before 7. Yesterday was weird. I had to take the children to him at our old marital home and the house is empty and feels bereft. It smells like it did when we moved in. I'd planned to take some more of my stuff but my head was scrambled. Was a really sad experience all in all.

I've done a smidgeon of housework this morning but don't want to get carried away. Weekends off are not for scrubbing floors.

It's my youngest sons birthday today so lots of things planned, hope everyone is ok, weekends can be difficult I know, just got to fill the time with enjoyable stuff to do, for you and the children if you have any.

Shout out to you 2little my darling, hope you are coping with everything, thinking of you, x

Thinking of you all xx

Dd and I are off to a birthday party which is the main focus of the day.

Tomorrow I have a few hours off. Yoga will be involved somehow.

Have been feeling really flat the last few days. I think everything is just catching up. It doesn't help that dd has been having meltdown after meltdown and I'm really struggling with her. It's relentless having a clinging/screaming child with no backup.

Yes, take my hat off to those ladies with very young children going through this shit while still trying to have a normal life.

It is relentless I'm sure, sending you all love and strength, xx
Jess sends hugs...

To explain that pic she's been in kennels while we were away for a few days....