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Original poster

BF using tinder to message both men/women

288 replies

upsidedownsmile · 06/08/2015 14:42

Never posted before and this is going to be a long post so please be nice (but honest)

Two and a half years ago I met a guy and thought he was gay. He told me he was straight and explained about his past (which I feel I can't really go into) and explained it was firmly in the past and that he was straight. We got together and had a good relationship, but it was immature and we argued over silly things. We never broke up officially but he just cut me off and stopped speaking to me so I soon got the message. I went away to uni for the year and we met up and talked about what happened and got some closure.

About 6 weeks ago we met up again and had a series of serious conversations which helped us move on from things that were problematic for us in the past. Also, I think the time apart allowed us to grow up and we're no longer annoyed by the same petty things we were.

Everything was going really well, until a gay friend of mine found him on tinder. I've confronted him about it and he says he made the account when we weren't together and made it because he was lonely. I can't seem to get over the fact that he was a) using tinder and b) using it to find a guy. (Although he says he wasn't exclusively looking for a guy) There are other things that suggest to me he is attracted to men, his social media accounts seem to infer this all the time.

He has said he wants to work it out and sort it but I don't feel I can. I feel he lied to me about his sexuality because if he was looking for a man then he is either gay or bi-sexual. I have no problem with gay, or bi people, I have many friends who are and have never thought anything of it. However I know that I can't be with someone who is bi, especially in this situation where sexual activity with a man has previously taken place.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for. But I would appreciate hearing people's advice/opinions on it

OP posts:
TheStoic · 07/08/2015 09:14

Sometimes there are no defineable reasons for what we do or do not find a turn on, or turn off.

Can you explain logically all of your turn ons/turn offs?

Offred · 07/08/2015 09:15

Also the women in that other thread who talked about telling her male partner about the sex she had with women to turn him on, simply outlined the fear some lesbians have when partnering with bi women. And she didn't see anything wrong with it.

Yes, I found it wrong. I explained why I found it wrong. That is not down to her being bisexual. That is down to the type of person she is.

You also argued that sexuality is fluid and can change so identifying as lesbian at the time you have a relationship with someone is no protection against that is it? According to you.

Any person you have sex with can break your trust and disrespect you. Bisexual people are not more likely to disrespect you just because they are bisexual.

Offred · 07/08/2015 09:16

Caryam - can you really not understand that asking/expecting someone to deny their sexuality and live their life as a different sexuality is prejudiced and discriminatory?

Offred · 07/08/2015 09:21

Generally I can logically explain most things to do with my sexuality yes.

I'm prejudiced against men with big muscles and shaved heads for example because of judgements I make about why they choose to present themselves that way. I'm prejudiced against women who choose to wear huge heels and loads of makeup because I make judgements about why they choose to do that. I'm also aware they are prejudices which means I generally don't actually act to discriminate against people only on that basis most of the time because it's my own prejudice which is the issue.

Whether there are sex acts I find offputting or not is irrelevant since a bisexual man is never going to do gay sex to a woman...

Offred · 07/08/2015 09:23

All I object to is people trying to claim that something which is a prejudice isn't just because it informs their sexual preference since it is unlikely to only inform their sexual preference what with it being a prejudice and since rejecting someone purely based on prejudice is pretty awful for the person being rejected.

GinAndSonic · 07/08/2015 09:33

Offred with all due respect, you arent making any sense.

TheStoic · 07/08/2015 09:33

Generally I can logically explain most things to do with my sexuality yes.

Most, but not all? Yet you are 100% confident you can explain someone else's sexuality when it comes to bisexual people?

GinAndSonic · 07/08/2015 09:38

I know a bisexual man isnt going to have gay sex with a woman, but if someone finds the idea of two men having sex to be a huge turn off, then its not a huge surprise if they find the idea of their sexual partner having had sex with a man a turn off. They are entitled to reject a partner on those grounds.

Caryam · 07/08/2015 09:42

"Caryam - can you really not understand that asking/expecting someone to deny their sexuality and live their life as a different sexuality is prejudiced and discriminatory?"

Nobody is asking anyone to deny their sexuality. I have met plenty of bi people who have only ever had relationships with those of the opposite sex. Would you also say they are denying their sexuality?

Offred · 07/08/2015 09:43

Anyone is entitled to reject anyone else on any grounds. That is not the issue.

Not wanting to have sex with bisexual people is not a sexuality issue. Not wanting to have sex with anyone for any reason is not a sexuality issue. It's a preference issue and preferences are based on beliefs, founded or unfounded, about the other person.

No-one has articulated a single reason why rejecting a bisexual person simply because they were bisexual would not be a preference based on prejudgments being made about what bisexuality means in addition to being attracted to both men and women.

Caryam · 07/08/2015 09:45

Yes they have Offred. But you simply dismiss them.

Offred · 07/08/2015 09:48

You are caryam - you are saying that is valid for lesbians to expect that bisexual women 'choose' to only have sex with women. Bisexual people may only have sex with one or other gender, sometimes that's because they are naturally skewed to one side or other (but equally it doesn't mean the other attraction doesn't exist) and it isn't about choosing anything, sometimes that's because of prejudice in society that causes them to feel that in order to be respected by another group they have to suppress their sexuality.

Telling gay men they had to choose to be married heterosexuals didn't result in them not being gay did it? Some people may have justified that by telling them they should 'prioritise' women if they want intimacy. In fact this is the very way a huge number of gay men did feel. Realising you were a gay man in the 50s meant many men felt they would never be able to have a relationship if it wasn't with a woman.

TheStoic · 07/08/2015 09:49

It's a preference issue and preferences are based on beliefs, founded or unfounded, about the other person

No, that is incorrect. I, for example, prefer to only have sex with men. This is no reflection on how I feel about women in general, or specific women in particular.

Caryam · 07/08/2015 09:50

Gay men are not attracted to women. Bisexuals are attracted to women and men. It is not a valid comparison.

Offred · 07/08/2015 09:55

I'm aware of what some lesbians think about bisexual women. I happen to think that restricting and suppressing any woman's sexuality for the supposed advancement of women's equality is really really stupid. It also doesn't mean it isn't prejudiced just because Julie bindel also said it.

Caryam · 07/08/2015 09:58

We disagree that choosing who you are going to be with is "restricting and suppressing" your sexuality.
I wouldn't choose to be with anyone who thinks feminism is a lot of rubbish. Doesn't mean that I restrict and suppress my sexuality by doing that.

Offred · 07/08/2015 09:59

No, that is incorrect. I, for example, prefer to only have sex with men. This is no reflection on how I feel about women in general, or specific women in particular.

Well, yeah my point to caryam really. Women who are not lesbians are not bad feminists.

If you are attracted only to men that is not a preference but your sexuality.

If you are attracted more to men that is not a preference but your sexuality.

If you are attracted equally to men and women or to more women than men but choose not to act on attraction to women that is a preference based on some belief about what acting on same sex attraction would mean.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/08/2015 09:59

Offred, because if you partner with a man when you have a choice to be with a woman, you are not prioritising women.
Some lesbians do prioritise women, some don't.

This is a really fucking bizarre world view if it's not just some bollocks you're making up after the fact to try to justify your prejudice.

Are we to assume that you don't identify as straight (I presume you're straight) because you tend to fancy men, but rather because you made some sort of bizarro decision to 'prioritise men' and then went looking for one after that? If so, you do realise that's really fucking weird and not how sexuality works for pretty much anyone else, right?

Caryam · 07/08/2015 10:04

We are not talking about people who are Het or lesbian. We are talking about bi people who can choose whether to be with women or men, or both.

LadyPlumpington · 07/08/2015 10:04

Going to weigh in with my opinion here.

I would be very cautious about entering a relationship with any PERSON who expressed a current interest in the gender which I am not. The reason being, there's no way I can fill that role. If DH had to make a decision to choose between redheads forever or blondes forever, it wouldn't be a problem because I can switch between those two roles if I so choose. Not so easy with genitals.

My main reason for abstaining would be out of concern for myself AND my potential partner, believe it or not. If he (let's pick a gender) says: I like both men and women but I will restrict myself to women in general and to you in particular forevermore, then my response would be to feel guilty, because my partner would be deliberately closing off a part of themselves for my sake. I wouldn't be able to cope with the guilt of that, but I also wouldn't be able to say 'No worries, we can have a slightly more open relationship and you can see men (preferably just one, monogamously) too'. So my potential relationship with a bi partner is fraught with pitfalls before it's even begun. In my case, it would be best not to let it get started.

Btw, I think DH has had such encounters in the past but he laughingly dismisses them as adolescent fun. He claims to be all about the ladies now (and me in particular), so I'm not worried Grin

TheStoic · 07/08/2015 10:06

*If you are attracted only to men that is not a preference but your sexuality.

If you are attracted more to men that is not a preference but your sexuality.*

So, if it's 100/0, it's sexuality. If it's 51/49, it's sexuality. But if it's 50/50, it's preference? Is that how you see it?

GinAndSonic · 07/08/2015 10:10

Are you bi offred?

Offred · 07/08/2015 10:15

No stoic. If you are making a choice to avoid a part of your sexuality whether it is 100/0, 51/49 or 50/50 then that is a preference about the way you express your sexuality based on a belief about what expressing your sexuality would mean. People who are 100/0 who make a choice to be in relationships only with the 0% attraction side of their sexuality are equally making a choice, expressing preferences based on beliefs about the meaning of their sexuality. Very few people are devoid of preferences based on prejudiced beliefs when it comes to their sexuality. I simply object to people inferring things are not prejudice because lesbians say/think them, or feminists say/think them or lots of people say/think them.

Being bi doesn't mean you need to have sex with more than one person at a time to be happy ladyplumpington - that is to do with being non-monogamous, which is a different thing. Many people straight, gay or bi are not suited to monogamy.

Caryam · 07/08/2015 10:19

Yes being bi doesn't need to mean you have sex with more than 1 person at a time. So you can choose, and some bi people do, to only have sex with women and men.