BF using tinder to message both men/women

[upsidedownsmile]

Never posted before and this is going to be a long post so please be nice (but honest)

Two and a half years ago I met a guy and thought he was gay. He told me he was straight and explained about his past (which I feel I can't really go into) and explained it was firmly in the past and that he was straight. We got together and had a good relationship, but it was immature and we argued over silly things. We never broke up officially but he just cut me off and stopped speaking to me so I soon got the message. I went away to uni for the year and we met up and talked about what happened and got some closure.

About 6 weeks ago we met up again and had a series of serious conversations which helped us move on from things that were problematic for us in the past. Also, I think the time apart allowed us to grow up and we're no longer annoyed by the same petty things we were.

Everything was going really well, until a gay friend of mine found him on tinder. I've confronted him about it and he says he made the account when we weren't together and made it because he was lonely. I can't seem to get over the fact that he was a) using tinder and b) using it to find a guy. (Although he says he wasn't exclusively looking for a guy) There are other things that suggest to me he is attracted to men, his social media accounts seem to infer this all the time.

He has said he wants to work it out and sort it but I don't feel I can. I feel he lied to me about his sexuality because if he was looking for a man then he is either gay or bi-sexual. I have no problem with gay, or bi people, I have many friends who are and have never thought anything of it. However I know that I can't be with someone who is bi, especially in this situation where sexual activity with a man has previously taken place.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for. But I would appreciate hearing people's advice/opinions on it

Unless you mean that bisexual people don't prioritise being a lesbian in which case why should someone prioritise being a lesbian? What is wrong with being straight or bisexual?

I am not talking about authentic feminists.
How can you possibly be in a relationship with a man, when you have the choice to be in a relationship with a woman, and say that you are prioritising women?

Because you are attracted to said man as an individual! Why should you suppress attractions to people in order to prove to someone else you are worthy of respect? For bisexual people, who are attracted to both genders it isn't about 'choosing' a man or a woman it is about being with someone you are attracted to just as it is with straight or gay people. Thinking bisexuality is a betrayal of hetero/homosexuality is absolutely a prejudice.

It'd be like saying lesbians weren't worthy of respect because they do prioritise women. They don't their sexuality is such that they are attracted to women, that's all.

Bisexual people's sexuality is such that they are attracted to both men and women. Often the gender of the person they are attracted to is irrelevant. It is not that they require sex with both to be happy. Or that they are betraying gay/straight people by not picking a side and sticking with it.

Of course you don't have to act on who you are attracted to. I am in a monogamous relationship, I "suppress" who I am attracted to. Some women are very attracted to men who are arrogant arseholes, of course they should "suppress" that attraction.
Be with who you want, I don't care. But I totally understand lesbians wanting to be with a woman who prioritises other women, including being with other women instead of men.
And you keep making accusations that no one has said. No one has said being bi is a betrayal of het/lesbianism.
But if you think there is no difference between lesbians who prioritise other women, and bi women who choose to be with men, you are wrong.

What if someone finds a part of a person's sexual history a turn off? Gay sex, for example?

If someone finds that a turn off, and therefore can't bring themselves to be sexually attracted to someone who has experienced that, is that still prejudiced?

They may not believe any of the negative stereotypes you listed, but they cannot feel any sexual attraction. Is that prejudice?

Caryam - what you are explaining is based on the belief that being bisexual is a betrayal of lesbian women and that if bisexual women want to be accepted by the lesbian community they have to repress their bisexuality. Prejudice.

And not wanting to be with a man who has had gay sex in the past is about finding gay sex icky - homophobia.

Yes these are all common feelings but that does not mean they are not prejudices.

No you are putting words in my mouth. I don't think bi women being with a man is betraying anyone. I know that some lesbian feminists would choose only to partner with women who put women first.
A bi woman who has relationships with men, is not putting women first.

Gay sex is 'icky' does not equal homophobia.

Finding gay sex icky is not homophobia. My friend finds oral sex icky. I find anal sex to be icky. I find certain positions repulsive. I dont give a fuck who does what in bed, i dont think it says anything about them as a person, but sexuality is such that some things really turn you on, others repulse you, the rest fall on the spectrum in between. Its up to individuals to decide where on the spectrum they place their hard limit, and to decide wether they want a sexual relationship with someone whos massive turn ons include the things you find repulsive.

I say this as a bisexual woman, who has been turned down by both men and women based on my being open about my reaction to both sexes.

There is no logical or rational basis for that prejudiced assumption. A bisexual woman is simply not a lesbian. Sexuality says nothing at all about feminism. The belief of a lesbian that bisexual women don't put women first is based on the belief that ever having had sex with a man is a betrayal of her and of same sex sex.

Whoops, that should say attraction

There is a difference between you finding you having gay sex icky and you finding other people having had gay sex in the past icky.

No not a betrayal. It is based on the idea that women who put women first in all aspects of their life, are different. And I agree with that.

I'm afraid that still doesn't mean they hate and fear gay people.

But lesbians don't 'put women first' do they? They are just lesbians.

It does mean they have prejudices against/fears about gay sex which is within the acceptable definition of homophobia.

We have already had this conversation. I am not talking about all lesbians. I am talking about a lesbian choosing to be with another woman who puts women first.

It does mean they have prejudices against/fears about gay sex which is within the acceptable definition of homophobia.

Whose acceptable definition? And who has decided they 'fear' gay sex?

Also the women in that other thread who talked about telling her male partner about the sex she had with women to turn him on, simply outlined the fear some lesbians have when partnering with bi women. And she didn't see anything wrong with it.

I think you're probably right about this type of situation sometimes Offred. Sexual attraction is buried deep in a range of instinctive and learned aspects of someone's psyche. And I can certainly see how prejudice could be part of that.

I'm not sure I agree that it's active prejudice all of the time though. People tend to form sexual preferences based on what they know and what they experience. There aren't as many bisexual people as there are straight or gay, for a start, so many people may not know someone bisexual. Further, if a bisexual person is in a committed relationship then the casual observer has no way to know they're bisexual.

People might also have logical reasons based on their history not to choose a bisexual partner. I certainly know at least three people (one straight, two gay) who have told me about issues they had with individual bisexual people they dated. Obviously this is about those individuals and not about every single bisexual person in the world. But if (for example) you're a lesbian and every single "bisexual" person who you date has only dated men prior to you and then goes back to dating men after you it does look suspiciously like experimentation and you might want to avoid the potential for heartbreak in future.

And I am asking why you think it is not prejudiced to assume that a bisexual woman doesn't or that lesbians do?

Stoic - what are the reasons then for finding gay sex someone has had in the past icky if they are not fears/prejudices about gay sex?

Offred, because if you partner with a man when you have a choice to be with a woman, you are not prioritising women.
Some lesbians do prioritise women, some don't.

Are there no sexual acts that you find icky Offred?