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Original poster

BF using tinder to message both men/women

288 replies

upsidedownsmile · 06/08/2015 14:42

Never posted before and this is going to be a long post so please be nice (but honest)

Two and a half years ago I met a guy and thought he was gay. He told me he was straight and explained about his past (which I feel I can't really go into) and explained it was firmly in the past and that he was straight. We got together and had a good relationship, but it was immature and we argued over silly things. We never broke up officially but he just cut me off and stopped speaking to me so I soon got the message. I went away to uni for the year and we met up and talked about what happened and got some closure.

About 6 weeks ago we met up again and had a series of serious conversations which helped us move on from things that were problematic for us in the past. Also, I think the time apart allowed us to grow up and we're no longer annoyed by the same petty things we were.

Everything was going really well, until a gay friend of mine found him on tinder. I've confronted him about it and he says he made the account when we weren't together and made it because he was lonely. I can't seem to get over the fact that he was a) using tinder and b) using it to find a guy. (Although he says he wasn't exclusively looking for a guy) There are other things that suggest to me he is attracted to men, his social media accounts seem to infer this all the time.

He has said he wants to work it out and sort it but I don't feel I can. I feel he lied to me about his sexuality because if he was looking for a man then he is either gay or bi-sexual. I have no problem with gay, or bi people, I have many friends who are and have never thought anything of it. However I know that I can't be with someone who is bi, especially in this situation where sexual activity with a man has previously taken place.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for. But I would appreciate hearing people's advice/opinions on it

OP posts:

Smorgasboard · 07/08/2015 02:01

So, in order not to be prejudice, whenever you get the next past revelation, just take time to absorb it, and go with it, as it is in the past and will have no bearing on your present.

Or, be with someone who does not go on about the past. It's not necessary to divulge past experiences with anyone, if it has no bearing on the present, surely? So treating equally, if a person is bisexual and it really is of no relevance or business of the person in a relationship with them, why mention it at all?
People set different priority levels with sex than others. Sometimes it's ok to not be arsed with extra drama in life, and it doesn't make you prejudice

NoArmaniNoPunani · 07/08/2015 02:05

But the OP revealed that potential cheating wasn't the whole problem. She has a problem with the idea that he might be bisexual. That's what started the debate, so I have less sympathy than you do, I suppose.

Really? I thought quite the opposite when she said this.

Thank you for your replies. If I'm honest I think it's the lying that's put me off, the fact he's bi has probably just come as a shock, as I believed he was straight for all the time we were together.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/08/2015 02:08

Sometimes it's ok to not be arsed with extra drama in life, and it doesn't make you prejudice

What 'extra drama' does a partner being bisexual bring to someone's life, pray tell?

I'm surprised that you're not embarrassed to be spewing this much bile.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/08/2015 02:10

Really? I thought quite the opposite when she said this.

I don't buy the U-turn from this, actually:

However I know that I can't be with someone who is bi, especially in this situation where sexual activity with a man has previously taken place.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 07/08/2015 02:15

So the OP should stay with a liar just to prove she isn't prejudiced? Right.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/08/2015 02:17

So the OP should stay with a liar just to prove she isn't prejudiced? Right.

Who, in the entire thread, has suggested she do this?

Smorgasboard · 07/08/2015 02:22

OP, he's done the tinder thing - not necessarily cheating, could of been before you. He's had sex with a man at some stage, but is keen to explain it away and maintain he is straight. To be fair, sounds like he likes you, but is aware that your views will put you off him, so is telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
Ask him outright if he feels he would be happy in a monogamous relationship male or female long term, if that is what you want.

Smorgasboard · 07/08/2015 02:50

Smillas, an emotive subject for some. More than just a meeting of minds to a relationship ( though that would be a high priority). Compatible ways helps is all as opposed to compromise.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/08/2015 04:04

Smillas, an emotive subject for some. More than just a meeting of minds to a relationship ( though that would be a high priority). Compatible ways helps is all as opposed to compromise.

Well sure, if a bisexual man didn't want to have PIV sex with a woman he otherwise found sexually attractive, and the woman wanted PIV sex, that would be an incompatibility.

If they both had sex they desired, how would they be incompatible?

TheStoic · 07/08/2015 06:44

Sexual attraction is not logical.

Preference, by its very definition, is discriminatory.

I'm not sure why you want people to accept that their preferences are prejudiced, but it is obviously a hot button issue for you.

Reminds me of the thread here recently about the height of men. Some women stated they didn't find men sexually attractive under a certain height and therefore wouldn't date them.

Do you want people to say: 'I don't want to have sex or a relationship with a bisexual person, so therefore I am prejudiced against bisexual people' ?

I don't see the point in trying to argue with someone about their sexual preferences.

Caryam · 07/08/2015 07:12

Of course a bisexual women who has relationships at times with men, is not prioritising women. If she did, she would only have relationships with women.

Scarydinosaurs · 07/08/2015 07:16

Some really interesting points being made here- thinking about it, I don't think I'd find the idea of a man who had sex with another man in the last attractive BECAUSE of the issues I had with my ex and his repressed homosexuality. However, that issue aside, I certainly wouldn't have an issue with a straight person dating a bisexual and I wouldn't rule it out for myself.

I think there is a different between personal preference and expectations of others. The poster up thread who said her friend disagreed with ALL black/white relationships, is very different to a person saying that he/she prefers to date white/black/Asian men/women.

Offred · 07/08/2015 08:08

You are not understanding me at all joysmum. The whole point is that the sexual preference is informed by a prejudice against bisexual people. Not wanting people to do certain acts to you and therefore not wanting to have sex with people who like those acts is a completely different thing since having sex with an bisexual man is never going to make you into a man is it?

And caryam - assuming lesbians prioritise women because they are lesbians and bisexual women or straight women don't prioritise women is a prejudice, yes because you are making a judgement that is unfounded about an entire group based only on their sexuality.

Offred · 07/08/2015 08:11

I don't see the point in trying to argue with someone about their sexual preferences.

No-one is, people are arguing about the prejudice against bisexual people that leads to the preference. Maybe you would understand if you were part of the group suffering from the prejudice.

TheStoic · 07/08/2015 08:14

No-one is, people are arguing about the prejudice against bisexual people that leads to the preference.

What exactly is that prejudice? In your opinion, why do you think some people prefer not to form relationships with bisexual people?

Offred · 07/08/2015 08:19

Common prejudices against bisexual people are that; they carry disease, they are fickle, promiscuous, unfaithful, undecided, sexually deviant, untrustworthy, unsatisfied in whatever relationship they happen to be in, closet gay, experimenting, doing it for attention, disloyal etc

TheStoic · 07/08/2015 08:25

And you have decided that all people who do not want to have sex or a relationship with a bisexual person must therefore believe one or more of those things? There is no other possible reason for their preference other than prejudice?

Offred · 07/08/2015 08:28

We'll know there isn't really is there. What possible reason for discounting a whole group of people based on a sexuality which is irrelevant to you personally could there be that isn't prejudiced?

Offred · 07/08/2015 08:28

*no

Offred · 07/08/2015 08:30

It is always only possible for it to be either 'gay sex is icky' or 'bisexual people are...'

Caryam · 07/08/2015 08:32

Offred I have given you a reason not related to prejudice, which you reject.

I also wouldn't date anyone transgender or just coming out of a marriage.

Offred · 07/08/2015 08:33

But your example is based on the prejudice that bisexual women don't prioritise women - why is that an example of non-prejudice.

Caryam · 07/08/2015 08:34

"And caryam - assuming lesbians prioritise women because they are lesbians and bisexual women or straight women don't prioritise women is a prejudice, yes because you are making a judgement that is unfounded about an entire group based only on their sexuality."

If they are bisexual and only date women, then yes they prioritise women. But I have never met a bi women who does this. And it is common sense that if you do date men, you are not prioritising women.

Offred · 07/08/2015 08:35

No, it's a prejudiced assumption

Offred · 07/08/2015 08:36

Otherwise the only 'authentic' feminists would be lesbian...

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