Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DHs lie :(

175 replies

Olympicpark · 04/08/2015 21:07

Nc for this.

I am married to a lovely man, funny, kind, smart etc and we have a great life and relationship. When we got married over 12 years ago I asked him not to go to a strip club on his stag do. He promised he wouldn't and I asked his best man to not take his mates to one.
He promised that he wouldn't.
This is a big deal for me and I would have bet my mortgage on him being truthful when he said they didn't go.

Well, I found out via a flippant remark made by one of his mates this weekend that they went somewhere after their cheesy club and DH said 'yes well let's not talk about that now shall we' and everyone laughed.

So as we drove home I asked him about this and he said he didn't know what he was on about etc, lied and denied for a good few minutes. I asked him to swear on the kids and he just kind of gave me this guilty smile.

This floored me completely and I have never felt fury like it, he has lied to me for the whole of our marriage about this, knowing that it's a massive deal for me. We were driving home the morning after seeing a load of old friends so I had to wait a good hour before we got out the car and I could get away from him.

I need to know if I am BU really. He apologised massively, said it was just a drink then they went home (to be honest if he had had a lapdance or whatever I don't quite know how I would continue in the marriage) and after a heartfelt chat (after my huge rage in the car) things have kind of returned to normal.

I just feel really wounded and sad about it but feel like a total arse bringing it up over and over again. I am also fucked off beyond belief. I honestly would have smugly said that he hadnt gone to anyone who asked, because he told me he hadn't.
There are no other issues with our relationship and never have been. I trust him in everything which is why this is doing me in!!!

I suppose I feel stupid that they all knew and completely betrayed when he knew it was an absolute deal breaker for me.

Any advice in how to deal with my feelings on this would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 06/08/2015 14:18

So on that basis JAPAB you think a strip show is "nothing" but a lap dance is "something"?

arsenaltilidie · 06/08/2015 15:16

Unsolved No because I'm a man myself.
Most men told not to go to a strip club on a stag do will lie.

Over the last 10-15years I've probably averaged to 1 or 2 stags do per year.
I've lost count of how many times we just went for a drink and got drunk
Then if they get found out it's
we went into one but I didn't have a dance, I was too drunk

But the reality is I can't think of a stag do where the stag refused a lapdance or was even 'pressured' into going in the first place.

Sorry OP but it's highly unlikely he didn't receive a lapdance.

I did say that had he had a lap dance or anything it would be a different story

Do you honestly think he will tell you the truth after that? If you push anyone into a corner and leave them with no other options then they will lie.

For all intents and purposes, does a lapdance on his stag do trumps him being a great father and husband for the last 12 years?

UnsolvedMystery · 06/08/2015 16:17

arsenaltilidie I think that says more about your circle of friends than it does about most men.

Original poster
Olympicpark · 06/08/2015 16:55

Well yes, I am not stupid, I know that I will never be 100% sure but as you say, is it worth 12 years? Save phoning all his mates to ask them there isnt much I can do now except beliege him and get on with it.

Out of interest if your wife/partner had asked you not to go to one, would you still go?

OP posts:
JAPAB · 06/08/2015 17:30

YonicScrewdriver
So on that basis JAPAB you think a strip show is "nothing" but a lap dance is "something"?

In terms of behaviours that can be classed as cheating, yes.

YonicScrewdriver · 06/08/2015 18:04

Olympic, don't worry about arsenal. He lives to provoke.

cloudlessskies · 06/08/2015 18:18

Glad you and hubby have properly made up OP.

ijustwannadance · 06/08/2015 19:07

cloudlessskies i am crap at sugarcoating, Smile hate BS and in this instance was trying to make a point to get past all the ridiculous LTB posters.

OP I apologise if my posts appeared as 'nasty' to you. I was giving realistic and honest advise and personally think you massively overreacted and was worried you would make a very daft decision.

I also loved jamestkirk's post. Very eloquent!

Original poster
Olympicpark · 06/08/2015 20:27

Yes jamestkirk's post was a goodun.

And wanna yours were fine! It's was shortandsweeter's that gave me the willies. I honestly am interested in all, mainly because I am desperately trying to get my head sorted and it's very helpful to have your ideas as it chills me out a bit. Wine am raising mine to you literally as I type. Smile

And iwasyou Flowers for you too and thanks.

OP posts:
PontificatingNameChange · 07/08/2015 00:18

Ive just typed out a message and for some reason it didnt add to the thread so i'll try again.

Im usualy a lurker but have been watching this thread over the past couple of days, ive namechanged for the purpose.

For a bit of background, ive been a stripper on/off for about the last 10 years. arsenal i think, said that men go into strip clubs, have a dance and lie about it. I disagree, and i definitely have more experience than him. A lot of stag do's come in, under strict instructions from the bride to be not to, however, a lot of stags dont actually have a dance, its not uncommon. You said he went in at the end of the night, so fairly late on. I can say, catagorically, and without fear of contradiction, that by the end of the shift, most of the girls are exhausted and/or bored and waiting to go home. If i stag do comes in late and drunk, the chances of them having any money left is slim, chances are one or two will have wandered over, given the party a cursory once over "anyone for a dance? just having a drink? no? anyone? allright, enjoy your evening" and then go back to waiting for home time.

Ive posted here because i wanted to give an outlook from "the other side" IYKWIM, i really hope i dont offend, upset or annoy anyone, thats not my intention and will answer any and all questions if anyone has one for me in an attempt to help, OP, you are your husband love each other and this revelation has understandably shaken your confidence, but (in my humble opinion) it can be overcome. Flowers

PontificatingNameChange · 07/08/2015 00:20

Gee whizz, my spelling/grammar took a hit there! *usually just for the off and clearly my laptop doesn't automatically add apostrophes anymore!

ancientbuchanan · 07/08/2015 00:28

Wow, pontificating, good for you to post.

PontificatingNameChange · 07/08/2015 00:40

thanks ancient I don't want to send the thread off in a completely opposing way or be rude or disrespectful. I know that strip cubs are a bit of an enigma to most women, and that they are viewed as frightening or awful places, especially if you have little or no experience of them. Or rather, the only experience you have of them is negative (such as a husband going without permission etc). I thought for a long time about adding my post in case it was seen as being inflammatory or caused any undue upset. Flowers

ancientbuchanan · 07/08/2015 00:42

Completely understand and its brave of you. Will also be comforting.

BathtimeFunkster · 07/08/2015 01:23

i really hope i dont offend, upset or annoy anyone

How could you?

What a dote you are to post that. Flowers

Original poster
Olympicpark · 07/08/2015 07:20

pontificating thank you. I have been wibbling a bit about it all, I do feel suspicious still and something doesn't quite feel right yet about it all but your post is very insightful.
No upset caused at all and I am very much hoping that what you describe is how it was for him. I am a bit like a dog with a bone but I really need to let it go now, I wish I could. Sad

Thank you Flowers for posting.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 07/08/2015 10:30

You will be able to let it go, it's just a bit raw just now

Original poster
Olympicpark · 07/08/2015 12:23

Thanks christina you're right and from right now I am being positive and drawing a line! Again ta for all opinions. Smile happy weekend everyone. (Nearly)

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 07/08/2015 16:17

This is new to you as you have only recently found out. That could be why you are feeling suspicious.

Is there anything else that could be causing these doubts.

Groovee · 07/08/2015 16:24

I've only read your OP. My dh looked me in the eye after his stag do and told me that they didn't go to a lap dancing club.

Then one night in front of friends he confessed because his mouth ran away with him when my friend and I said so
Etchings about it. It took over 2 years to get our marriage back on track and sadly my trust is not easy to regain as he has a habit of trying not to "worry" me!

I'm not convinced we really should be married at times and people only see the lovable side to him.

cranberryx · 07/08/2015 17:02

I think YANBU. In this situation, the thing that would hurt me most if the lying to your face (even by omission). That isn't respectful. Maybe you need some time apart to get everything in perspective. I don't know if it would be a marriage breaker, but it would definitely hurt me a lot if I was in this situation.

It isn't about being a 'prude' or it being one dance or whatever comes of this, its simply the lying, and going when you have told him that it would hurt you very much to do so.

Original poster
Olympicpark · 07/08/2015 17:58

No I generally trust him, he has told the odd white lie about how much something has cost but nothing else has ever given me reason to doubt him.

We have talked more and I think it's all ok,now, but YY Groovee I have made it clear that it's going to be hard to trust him for a while and that he will have to make a big effort. I hope you are ok.

I know he is really sorry and he does regret it. We will be fine I think but it has certainly shaken me. I thought about taking some time out cranberry but my reaction has given him lots to think about and going away wouldn't necessarily achieve anything, I am on holiday at the moment so have plenty of time to chill! It might be nice just for me generally to have a night off though!!!

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 07/08/2015 18:00

Yes Olympic, have a night off and go and see the chippendales Wink

Original poster
Olympicpark · 07/08/2015 21:57

Grin might just do......

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 07/08/2015 23:19

For me strip clubs equal cheating and if he cheated on me and I found out 12 years later my marriage would be in a bad place.

That might sound drastic for others and that is fine, but I make my own boundaries as does my husband and thankfully we agreed so off we went and got married. If we had different views on strip clubs then separate ways we would have gone.

I expect my husband to respect my boundaries and if he didn't agree with them to tell me, instead of lying to me. The whole 'he was pissed and felt pressure from his mates' wouldn't wash with me because I also wouldn't want to marry someone who is so weak willed that drinks and mates will lead him to do something that is a deal breaker. Not the man I want.

If I found out 12 years later then he wouldn't be the man I thought he was, but with children and a life we have built together it is something I would try to work through.

I am glad you are feeling better now OP.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread