DHs lie :(

[Olympicpark]

Nc for this.

I am married to a lovely man, funny, kind, smart etc and we have a great life and relationship. When we got married over 12 years ago I asked him not to go to a strip club on his stag do. He promised he wouldn't and I asked his best man to not take his mates to one.
He promised that he wouldn't.
This is a big deal for me and I would have bet my mortgage on him being truthful when he said they didn't go.

Well, I found out via a flippant remark made by one of his mates this weekend that they went somewhere after their cheesy club and DH said 'yes well let's not talk about that now shall we' and everyone laughed.

So as we drove home I asked him about this and he said he didn't know what he was on about etc, lied and denied for a good few minutes. I asked him to swear on the kids and he just kind of gave me this guilty smile.

This floored me completely and I have never felt fury like it, he has lied to me for the whole of our marriage about this, knowing that it's a massive deal for me. We were driving home the morning after seeing a load of old friends so I had to wait a good hour before we got out the car and I could get away from him.

I need to know if I am BU really. He apologised massively, said it was just a drink then they went home (to be honest if he had had a lapdance or whatever I don't quite know how I would continue in the marriage) and after a heartfelt chat (after my huge rage in the car) things have kind of returned to normal.

I just feel really wounded and sad about it but feel like a total arse bringing it up over and over again. I am also fucked off beyond belief. I honestly would have smugly said that he hadnt gone to anyone who asked, because he told me he hadn't.
There are no other issues with our relationship and never have been. I trust him in everything which is why this is doing me in!!!

I suppose I feel stupid that they all knew and completely betrayed when he knew it was an absolute deal breaker for me.

Any advice in how to deal with my feelings on this would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again. I think we are ok, we have talked it all out again and are looking forward. Cheers for all opinions again.

MLP I'm not "hell bent" on anything

I said what I would do. And was quite clear that I was not suggesting anyone else should do the same.

I don't agree that the passing of time lessens what he did (crossing boundaries/lying) it just complicates things and puts the op in a shitty position where she doesn't have a whole lot of choice in the matter. Who knows what she would have done had he told her at the time, or there were no children involved.

But I haven't put pressure on her to do anything.

No you're good folkgirl I totally hear you and agree to lots of what you say. And MLP yy, it's not worth wrecking it all for. He knows the fuck up and I am working on letting it go, with the odd inevitable lapse of good heartedness chucked in, AKA as a proverbial kick in the bollocks....

Pleased to hear you're on your way to finding some peace with this

OP for what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing and it will be OK.

Your post resonated with me and I identify particularly with a poster upthread who said that the first time her DH said "I know I promised but .." things changed for her.

My DH lied to me about porn-related stuff. I implicitly believed him when he swore he didn't use it. It came out - on Christmas Day unfortunately - that he did, and had been doing so (not often) for years. All the time assuring me he didn't. For reasons I won't go into it was particularly hurtful, and it took a long time for the hurt to fade away. It still returns when I'm reminded about it and I have to make an effort to avoid related threads on MN as it doesn't help.

Like the previous poster's DH, his attitude to telling the truth is different from mine. It's how his parents were and so he sees it as normal to be economical with the truth to avoid "getting a hard time". I absolutely hate this, but don't think it will change. Like your DH, he insists it means nothing and is not a big deal, and is genuinely sorry it upset me. He says it is a tiny part of his life and nothing compared to his love for me and all that we've shared over many years etc etc. I think this is true but I still feel upset about the promises and lies, and will never 100% believe him about this sort of thing again.

Now for the positive stuff .. he is a great man in many ways. Kind generous and supportive. We have nice kids, good friends and a happy life together. He is more flawed than I thought. I think a lot of people are. I have had to learn to accept this. And that I cannot control what he does, and that he will continue to make decisions that he thinks are fine even if I don't. He is still one of the better men around I believe.

You are right to stay with your DH in my opinion. I wish you well

Personally I think yabu but I also think that not many stags get dragged into a strip club and get let off with just having a drink. Sorry.

didn't realise there were 6 pages.

Don't forget to wear pointy shoes when you give him a metaphorical kick in the bollocks autocorrect thinks bollocks should be biologists!

Seriously though, I'd feel the same as you. I'd lose some respect and it'd dilute my trust and I'd feel like I'd been made a fool of because everyone else knew but it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

All the best for your future

Goodness me. Sorry - I just can't really believe that anyone would leave a good husband over ONE EVENING SO LONG AGO where, apparently, the guy didn't even do anything! I don't really go with his 'he has been lying to you for 12 years'. Have you asked him every day for 12 years if this happened? No - you assumed he had not gone in good faith. He clearly thought that it was something he would not do again, you didn't know about so he should just focus on being a good husband. I am not condoning the omission, I just think we are being a bit heavy handed here.

Of course all of the above is me projecting as it were my DH who is a very good man. If that is not true then you should split up for your husband not being a very good man.

Whilst I understand that many do not approve of strip clubs etc, I consider what is on here as a bit hysterical. He went to a strip club once. He hasn't been getting a lap dance weekly.

Sorry - didn't see last page

OP, I do feel you are over reacting I'm afraid. Please don't take offence, but a range of opinions may help you. Unfortunately visiting a strip club is the thing that is done on most stag do's and the fact that you asked his best men not to take your DH probably egged them on more to do so as to wind up your DH even more.

Imagine the scenario, they've all had lots of booze, the stags says they're off to a strip club and they're all egging your DH on/taking the mickey and he's gone just to appease them. The fact that it was kept secret for 12 years may be because your DH knew that you would react so badly and he was trying to protect you and he made the other stags keep quiet. In this example maybe 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her' was the best route to take.

If your gut tells you nothing else happened and you trust him you're probably right. Tell your DH that even though you're really hurt you didn't know at the time you kind of see where he was coming from but trust and honestly are important to you. Move on and don't mention it again, because if you keep going on at him then he may whinge to his mates and they might make jokes about it to you which will p*ss you off further.

Just read some other responses and I agree with ijustwannadance -although perhaps the way I'm saying it comes across a bit softer :) ijustwannadance has experience of strip clubs and her description is exactly what I feel it is.

I would havebeen mortified if my first husband and gone off to a strip club for a stag do . As it was he found his way to plenty of them After the marriage and we didnt have hen or stag dos either.

40 years on second marriage approaching and I'm far more chilled. If he wants to go then fine. Times have really changed. Stags are often more at the mercy of the group, especially when copious amounts of booze are involved.

I suspect he won't. He's hinted that he'll leave after a couple of drinks anyway.

Well at 62 he will be more interested in his nightly tot of whisky!

I still dont like these clubs and they appear to havegotmorebrazen over the years but this time round I pickmy battles.

If your man gives you no other cause for concern then let it go. The reaction he's had now is exactly why he didn't fess up all those years ago.

Sorry OP, but I don't believe for one second that your dh just had a drink in there; men on stag dos who go to these places will end up having a lap dance, whether they really want one or not. Peer pressure when you are drunk is sometimes impossible to resist!

I also think that lap dances, when you think about them logically, are a form of infidelity. If an unpaid woman took her clothes off and writhed around on top of your dh (with his consent) then you'd be pissed off and see it as an act of infidelity, surely? So why is it ok because she's being paid to do so? ( I'm leaving aside all the added issues of female exploitation)

I think it's really difficult for you and you have every right to be angry. On the other hand, we're all human and make mistakes and 12 years of a good marriage is not to be sniffed at.

My dh went to a club when we'd been married for about 5 years. I was pissed off and made it clear that in my eyes it was tantamount to cheating. We hadn't, however, discussed the issue prior to him going, so it's slightly different to your scenario.

Bullshit, same can be said of women having a stripped for there hen.

My friends knew full well not to even think about trying that one on me for my hen, no matter how pisded up we were, and I credit most men with having balls to do the same.

I don't think you're being unreasonable - I think you're being utterly hysterical.

The idea that you'd break up a family over something that happened 12 years ago, which no normal person would consider infidelity, is insane.

Perhaps he lied to you and went there because he didn't want to admit to his mates that he was under the thumb of some thin-skinned prude. Because I don't care how many people on here pump you up with "you've the right to draw the line wherever you want" - strip clubs are so part and parcel of a stag do that they're almost a given.

Give your head a shake.

OP, I hope you would welcome a male perspective on here. Personally I have found this thread to be massively insightful. My own stag do was a rather sensible bash, with no strip clubs in sight, but I have been to them previously and would agree that they are about as erotic as the inside of telephone box.

You say that you have had 12 years of happy marriage, and that your husband is a good man. Has he ever done anything else to make you doubt him in terms of his character? If the answer is no then I think you simply need to let this go. If you had found out that this had happened immediately after the event, would you have called off the marriage? With hindsight would sticking to the principle of that deal-breaker have been worth sacrificing 12 years of happiness for? There is no discredit in walking back from a line in the sand if you are considerably more happy as a result.

There are some people on here who clearly have been less fortunate, and had bad experiences that have shaped the responses they have given you. I think, unfortunately, that some of this has lapsed into absolutist, zero-sum advice that from a practical point of view sets standards of behaviour that are frankly both unreasonable and unrealistic.

There is no indication that you have been a figure of fun to him and his friends, and no suggestion that this has been a continuous cycle of lying. If you had asked him every week for 12 years that would be a different matter. Some people on here are painting a picture of your husband as a serial liar, engaged in a running joke with his friends that belittles you. I think that is nonsense. He made a mistake 12 years ago. His conduct since has given you no reason to believe this was anything other than a one off.

For the sake of your happiness both individually and as a couple I hope you can move on from this quickly. Please don't use it as a tool or weapon to leverage him, or to remind him of his mistake regularly. That is a self-defeating path that will bring short term vindication at the expense of long term happiness.

I think there are plenty of men, no matter how drunk, who would be more than willing and capable of refusing a lap dance if they didn't want it.
There are plenty of stag nights that may end up in a strip club that don't involve a lap dance. It's perfectly plausible.

Sorry OP, but I don't believe for one second that your dh just had a drink in there; men on stag dos who go to these places will end up having a lap dance, whether they really want one or not.

That's quite a claim. Many men would draw a line and see lap dancing or other contact situations as cheating and line-crossing in a way they wouldn't when it comes to watching a stripper or pole-dancer perform their act.

I think it can be more understandable to do something you said you wouldn't when you yourself just don't have the strong feelings against whatever your partner is asking you not to do, that they do, and in fact you don't see it as that big a deal and even think it is a reasonably normal thing to do in a particular context. And then you are in a situation where others are going along and drinks may have been had.

Not saying that makes it OK - the person should have kept their word. But once they have broken it and you have to decide how to respond, I think I would see this as less of a betrayal than if they had done something they also know is wrong and/or is cheating on me. It is as if they would have had to overcome more to do what they did, and still managed to do so. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else.

If he has been to any stag dos in the last 12 years then he's probably been to a strip club.

It's unusual for a stag do to not involve a strip club. And it's even more unusual for someone not to pay for your DH to have a dance, especially after his partner forbade him.

Most men lie through their teeth and they is an understanding amongst friends to never bring it up.

OP, I'm glad you are resolving this.

"My DH has just told me that on a mate's birthday he bought a woman in a pub a drink, chatted to her for a bit and then they went off to a corner and he asked her to show him her breasts, her pussy and her arse, which she did. His mates were egging him on I'm sure."

Does anyone think that the above is "nothing"?

YonicScrewdriver
A difference is that that is a personal one to one situation. Whereas watching a stripper's act as part of an audience is a bit more like watching a nude scene in a film.

arsenaltilidie you clearly have a very dim few of most men

Best LTB.

some people won't be happy until you have.

I do believe him, I gave him the chance to confess again and I am as sure as I can be that he is telling me the truth.

cloudless that's fine, I am welcoming all opinions and all help me, except for the slightly nasty ones.... I am not a thin skinned prude.... (The opposite actually if any of you knew my normal user name you would know!) and you are right in the way he has described it.

YY JAPAB it would have defo crossed a line in his mind too if he had gone any further I am sure.

Anyway, we have made up, lots and I feel better now, a bit gutted still but I know we will be fine. We have talked about it lots more and he now understands where I am coming from.

Thanks again for all your opinions.