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Original poster

DHs lie :(

175 replies

Olympicpark · 04/08/2015 21:07

Nc for this.

I am married to a lovely man, funny, kind, smart etc and we have a great life and relationship. When we got married over 12 years ago I asked him not to go to a strip club on his stag do. He promised he wouldn't and I asked his best man to not take his mates to one.
He promised that he wouldn't.
This is a big deal for me and I would have bet my mortgage on him being truthful when he said they didn't go.

Well, I found out via a flippant remark made by one of his mates this weekend that they went somewhere after their cheesy club and DH said 'yes well let's not talk about that now shall we' and everyone laughed.

So as we drove home I asked him about this and he said he didn't know what he was on about etc, lied and denied for a good few minutes. I asked him to swear on the kids and he just kind of gave me this guilty smile.

This floored me completely and I have never felt fury like it, he has lied to me for the whole of our marriage about this, knowing that it's a massive deal for me. We were driving home the morning after seeing a load of old friends so I had to wait a good hour before we got out the car and I could get away from him.

I need to know if I am BU really. He apologised massively, said it was just a drink then they went home (to be honest if he had had a lapdance or whatever I don't quite know how I would continue in the marriage) and after a heartfelt chat (after my huge rage in the car) things have kind of returned to normal.

I just feel really wounded and sad about it but feel like a total arse bringing it up over and over again. I am also fucked off beyond belief. I honestly would have smugly said that he hadnt gone to anyone who asked, because he told me he hadn't.
There are no other issues with our relationship and never have been. I trust him in everything which is why this is doing me in!!!

I suppose I feel stupid that they all knew and completely betrayed when he knew it was an absolute deal breaker for me.

Any advice in how to deal with my feelings on this would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 05/08/2015 11:04

You say he's a lovely man and you have a great life, but you're considering throwing it all away because of a little lie 12 years ago?? Seriously???? I understand you're pissed with him and that's understandable, but come one, it was only a strip club on his stag do!

He shouldn't have gone, or lied about it, but to consider breaking up your children's family, over this? you're being ridiculous, and selfish. sorry.

19lottie82 · 05/08/2015 11:05

If that's the worst thing he's done in your whole relationship, then you're pretty lucky IMO!

Bubblesinthesummer · 05/08/2015 11:08

I do not like strip clubs at all, but I do think people are going way OTT with this

I agree with this.

By all means be upset and hurt about it, but getting g him to talk to your children about it etc is IMO way too far

19lottie82 · 05/08/2015 11:09

My parents divorced when I was younger, and it broke my heart at the time. I always wonder, even today, what would things have been like, with a "normal" family.

If my Mother turned round and told me it was because she had found out 12 years after they were married that she had chucked my father out because he went to a strip club on his stag do, and kept it secret from her (and that was it) I would fucking hate her for destroying MY family over something so trivial.

SelfLoathing · 05/08/2015 11:10

If that's the worst thing he's done in your whole relationship, then you're pretty lucky IMO!

I think the issue is that until recently she didn't even know he'd done this and he'd lied about it for twelve years. My worry would be what else has he done and lied about that I'm in blissful ignorance of?

Think of all the woman who post here saying "I can't believe my DH is having an affair.We've been happily married for [10/12/20] years and I had no idea".

I'm OF COURSE not suggesting that there are grounds to draw that inference from these facts - but making the point that lying about anything that matters to your partner is something to be legitimately upset and worried about.

I've already said in OPs shoes I definitely wouldn't leave, but I do think to describe her as "ridiculous and selfish" is grossly unfair. Prolonged lying does actually matter.

FolkGirl · 05/08/2015 11:16

The point is that if you promise your partner something then you should keep your promise and not lie. If you dont agree with their viewpoint on an issue they feel very strongly about, then the time to say so is there and then. You dont make promises you won't keep. It's disrespectful and fundamentally dishonest in a relationship.

I do view these things as infidelity. Ok, they weren't married at this point, but they are hardly "forsaking all others". Are they?

But the issue for me really is the lying here.

My exh lied and I let the e
lies go because, "why break up a relationship over a lie over something that happened years ago?" But the first lie was the tip of the iceberg. I now have zero tolerance for liars.

Am I worried qbout missing put on a 'great guy'? Nah. A great guy wouldn't lie and a liar isn't a great guy.

I'd never trust again after a lie like this. And it isn't because I hate men. It's because I despise liars.

But everyone has different boundaries. I would never tell someone else what to do, only what I would do.

Oh and the lie was never as simple as what was admitted to. It was always far worse.

19lottie82 · 05/08/2015 11:18

"ridiculous and selfish" is grossly unfair

If they didn't have any children, then OK, but they do, so leaving over this WOULD be selfish, IMO.

FolkGirl · 05/08/2015 11:29

Was he not being "rdiculous and selfish" when he made the decision to be disrespect her boundaries and then lie to her about it?

He should have told her at the time and given her the choice to get past it or leave before there were any children.

Why is it her who is being ridiculous and selfish?

ShortandSweeter · 05/08/2015 11:46

Not meant horribly- clearly they are not suited.

scallopsrgreat · 05/08/2015 11:47

yy FolkGirl.

19lottie82 · 05/08/2015 11:52

Why is it her who is being ridiculous and selfish?

Because she is considering upheaving her children's life's and causing them multitudes of upset, when it's just not worth it......

As already discussed. If she does this, who knows how it might effect the DC, and if they find out why she kicked him out when they are older, then there's a good chance they will hold it against her. I know I would.

19lottie82 · 05/08/2015 11:52

Why is it her who is being ridiculous and selfish?

Because as I have already explained, she is considering upheaving her children's life's and causing them multitudes of upset, when it's just not worth it......

As already discussed. If she does this, who knows how it might effect the DC, and if they find out why she kicked him out when they are older, then there's a good chance they will hold it against her. I know I would.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 05/08/2015 11:58

Do not discuss this with your DC. I know you are very angry but you must try and keep at the forefront of any decision what is in their best interests.

If this does end in divorce, the courts are not interested in "blame". If he has otherwise been a good father, they would take a dim view of a parent who essentially overshared pejorative information that there is no need for the DC to know. The view that would probably be taken is that it was done to cause issues with the relationship and that is absolutely was not in the DC's best interests. No child needs to be party to this

jacks11 · 05/08/2015 12:03

The way I would look at it would be to way up the balance- does this lie outweigh 12 years of happy marriage? No-one else can answer this for you.

Yes, he did a very stupid, underhand thing and was very wrong to lie to you about it. I can understand that you are extremely hurt that it was covered up so long. I suspect it is the lying which you truly find difficult to get over.

On the other hand, you say he is a good husband and father. You describe him as "lovely" and say there are no other problems in your relationship. You say you trust him in other ways, so this doesn't seem to have entirely destroyed your trust. Is it worth throwing this all away for one mistake (albeit one which he has lied about for a long time)?

My advice, for what it's worth (with the caveat that only you can know what the right thing for you is) is to either decide to move on or end it. You have made your feelings of anger, disappointment and betrayal clear. He has apologised profusely. There is nothing more he can do to make it right (other than not repeat his mistake of lying to you). So you need to make a decision to either accept his apology and move on, or to end your marriage. It would be foolish to decide to remain married but continually throw it back in his face- this will sour your marriage and you'll either end up splitting up anyway or both become bitter and unhappy.

I think in your shoes I would at least try to move on and continue with an otherwise happy marriage, but I have no idea if you can do that or not.

19lottie82 · 05/08/2015 12:12

Do not discuss this with your DC. I know you are very angry but you must try and keep at the forefront of any decision what is in their best interests.

I'm not sure if this is related to my post or not. If so, I didn't suggest for one minute that she tell her DC the reason why, if she decides to divorce her husband. I was simply explaining that IF they find out why, further down the line, she will have to deal with their thoughts / actions regarding that.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 05/08/2015 12:18

19 - no. I was responding to what the OP said in an earlier post

did say that I would make him tell the DC (both dds) about it and try to justify it to them to show him how shaming it is and he balked at the idea which kind of proved my point

I think it's more likely he balked because he realised it would be very inappropriate to discuss this with the DC

19lottie82 · 05/08/2015 12:21

ah ok, sorry gobo

and yes, you're totally right and I can imagine that would backfire in a way that the op could never imagine!

HPsauciness · 05/08/2015 12:22

I agree that telling the children is grossly inappropriate, just like telling them the details of any extra-marital sex is inappropriate. For goodness sake, be mad in private, but public shaming in front of the children is just wrong.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 05/08/2015 12:24

That's OK 19 - was a bit worried you thought I was reading things into what you said that I know you didn't!

Should have posted the quote I was responding to in my earlier post!

ijustwannadance · 05/08/2015 12:57

Folk, we all have our issues. I've been lied to, cheated, mental abuse til i thought i was fucking crazy... but...your posts come across as very angry and bitter and like you are projecting that towards op's DH.
Things are rarely black and white.

Original poster
Olympicpark · 05/08/2015 16:52

Blimey no, I didn't want him to actually tell the DC, just trying to make him see that he would find it grossly inappropriate as you say, and pretty shaming to do so as he was trying to tell me it was all tame and nothing happened. He does now understand that it's the lying and the big-deal ness of it that I can't get past at this moment.

HP thanks, your post sums up how I feel and I am not contemplating leaving him at all, just trying to get past it all. I did say that had he had a lap dance or anything it would be a different story.

I sent him a text today saying he had broken us a teeny bit and I wanted to try to fix it and he sent me a very sweet text back saying he was so gutted he had hurt me and felt like a complete idiot for lying and that he was sorry. Only words I know but they made me feel more positive. He also sent me a big bunch of roses, again just a gesture but a nice one.

Thanks everyone, you have really helped me (except one nasty poster) and I appreciate all your opinions, folkgirl yours too and I like your stance but I don't think it would work for me. I feel exonerated as so many of you would feel (and have felt) similar, and also it's good that lots of people also think I'm overreacting as it helps me to put things in perspective.

I would like to send you all a Wine and an unmumsnetty (hug) Grin

OP posts:
Lashalicious · 05/08/2015 17:30

He could say to his friends, the ones he was with that night that keep joking about it, something like, my wife now knows that I went to that club before we were married. I had promised her I wouldn't go and I lied to her. I've thought about it and I am ashamed of lying to her all these years. She is my wife and my first priority is to be loyal to her. I love her. I want you all to know that I don't want to joke about this anymore. It is not something I am proud of, or that I think is funny. I ask you to respect my marriage and the loyalty and honesty I promised my wife in our vows and I will do the same for you.

I know that is detailed, but it would make his position very clear, his friends would not be in the least confused about how to proceed, and I think it would put your concerns to rest. I think a noble man would do something like this. I don't know if there are any noble men, but I like to think so.

RagstheInvincible · 05/08/2015 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MLP · 05/08/2015 18:17

Seriously Folkgirl you need to drop it. You are hell bent on destroying someone else's relationship, which seems otherwise very decent.

Listen I find lappies and strip clubs every bit as heinous as the next woman but I doubt there many men, my DP included, who haven't succumb to peer pressure and ended up somewhere on a stag do that they would otherwise never dream of going. I doubt he's a repeat offender and I would let it go. Definitely not something worth ended a long term relationship over.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/08/2015 18:40

He could say to his friends, the ones he was with that night that keep joking about it, something like, my wife now knows that I went to that club before we were married. I had promised her I wouldn't go and I lied to her. I've thought about it and I am ashamed of lying to her all these years. She is my wife and my first priority is to be loyal to her. I love her. I want you all to know that I don't want to joke about this anymore. It is not something I am proud of, or that I think is funny. I ask you to respect my marriage and the loyalty and honesty I promised my wife in our vows and I will do the same for you.

Well apart from the "my wife now knows", he could have said all of this 12 years ago, or at any point since, if it was something he actually thought.

Rather than allowing his lie to be a running joke at his wife's expense for 12 years.

What a stand up guy.

What does he stand for again??

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