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Original poster

DHs lie :(

175 replies

Olympicpark · 04/08/2015 21:07

Nc for this.

I am married to a lovely man, funny, kind, smart etc and we have a great life and relationship. When we got married over 12 years ago I asked him not to go to a strip club on his stag do. He promised he wouldn't and I asked his best man to not take his mates to one.
He promised that he wouldn't.
This is a big deal for me and I would have bet my mortgage on him being truthful when he said they didn't go.

Well, I found out via a flippant remark made by one of his mates this weekend that they went somewhere after their cheesy club and DH said 'yes well let's not talk about that now shall we' and everyone laughed.

So as we drove home I asked him about this and he said he didn't know what he was on about etc, lied and denied for a good few minutes. I asked him to swear on the kids and he just kind of gave me this guilty smile.

This floored me completely and I have never felt fury like it, he has lied to me for the whole of our marriage about this, knowing that it's a massive deal for me. We were driving home the morning after seeing a load of old friends so I had to wait a good hour before we got out the car and I could get away from him.

I need to know if I am BU really. He apologised massively, said it was just a drink then they went home (to be honest if he had had a lapdance or whatever I don't quite know how I would continue in the marriage) and after a heartfelt chat (after my huge rage in the car) things have kind of returned to normal.

I just feel really wounded and sad about it but feel like a total arse bringing it up over and over again. I am also fucked off beyond belief. I honestly would have smugly said that he hadnt gone to anyone who asked, because he told me he hadn't.
There are no other issues with our relationship and never have been. I trust him in everything which is why this is doing me in!!!

I suppose I feel stupid that they all knew and completely betrayed when he knew it was an absolute deal breaker for me.

Any advice in how to deal with my feelings on this would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 04/08/2015 22:57

No - I'm not missing the point. What I am saying is that using the two as an analogy sounds totally ridiculous and any point about the passage of time argument is lost on the person you make it to

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 04/08/2015 23:00

If he'd been dragged there or had just gone in for a drink, he should have told the OP afterwards instead of lying by omission. He knew it was important to her and surely must have known there was a fighting chance she'd find out sooner or later.

ijustwannadance · 04/08/2015 23:04

Ffs he got shitfaced and went to a strip club on his stag do 12 fucking years ago. He was probably incoherant by then anyway and was taken by his mates. He wouldve been incapable of thinking full stop. He didn't go out of his way to disrespect you and didn't tell you as he knew you would completely overreact and do something ridiculous like call off the wedding (to a man that has loved and made you happy all this time)
I'm also betting on the younger version of olympic being worried, intimidated etc by what she thought it would mean if he went. (That irrational thought that if he goes to strip club he will run off with or fantasise about these women) and her fears wouldve been caused by her own insecurities. Its called being young and stupid. And trust me, no woman in her right mind would think a man in that state is remotely attractive.
He made a daft mistake. Get over it.

There seems to be some bitter people on MN who's first response to everything is to tell someone who needs advice that their man is a bastard and they should leave. In this case that is utterly ridiculous.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 04/08/2015 23:08

Given it was a deal breaker - maybe he was really worried she wouldn't have married him.

Regrettable he didn't say anything but understandable probably. Well certainly in relation to all the "normal" people I've met in real life who all have made mistakes but are mostly good people.

Having boundaries etc is fine and good but it's the enforcement of them that's the issue because it sounds like if the OP finds this unforgivable then she's going to have to end her marriage. And that makes me feel sad if it's otherwise been a good marriage and there are DC involved. I think this is a classic case of is it more important to be "right" and take comfort in the fact that you did not deviate from your boundaries (although the children might not find it very comforting) or try and find a middle way with some counselling

FolkGirl · 04/08/2015 23:08

I would have called off the wedding. So yes, it would matter. I would also have ended the marriage.

The fact other people feel differently is largely irrelevant.

HelenaDove · 04/08/2015 23:10

12 years ago was 2003 Hardly a generation ago.

The OP had the right to have the choice whether she wanted to marry the type of man who went to a strip club....or not.

He took that choice away from her by lying by omission.

OooMatron · 04/08/2015 23:12

Can I have him if you don't want him please!? I could do with a nice bloke xx

ijustwannadance · 04/08/2015 23:19

If he had cheated on her 12 years ago this would be a completely different thread.
Folk, have you never done anything daft? Cant believe anyone would end a happy marriage over something like this. You must have unrealistic expectations of people if you think no one makes mistakes.
This man isnt a monster who has lied maliciously. And his mates would just tease him to embarrass him about it.

Impala77 · 04/08/2015 23:24

Although it was 12 years ago to you it happened a few days ago (when you found out)
This is why me and hubby didn't have stag/hen nights, they always lead to trouble.
Why does a man HAVE to see strippers on his stag night?? It's 2015 for goodness sake!
The broken promise is the issue here, feeling like you've been lied to and laughed at for the past 12 years, there's nothing worse. I don't have any answers but don't throw an otherwise good marriage away, time heals and you will get past it.

cocobean2805 · 04/08/2015 23:26

I agree with midgey . I also kind of agree with ijustwannadance that he probably didnt go out of his way to be diarespectful, was shitfaced and went along with the crowd. YANBU to feel hurt.

cocobean2805 · 04/08/2015 23:26

*disrespectful!

ijustwannadance · 04/08/2015 23:28

Being dragged to a strip club, once, on a fucking stag do because your mates think its a big joke does not make someone 'the type of man who goes to a strip club'
THOSE type of men are very different.
Its like saying I got pissed once so that makes me an alcoholic!

cocobean2805 · 04/08/2015 23:30

FWIW, there's no 'type of man' that goes to a strip club.

HelenaDove · 04/08/2015 23:35

Funny that cocobean because when it comes to discussing OW on here ppl seem to be very free and easy with labelling her the "type of woman" who gets involved in an affair.

double standards.

SelfLoathing · 04/08/2015 23:45

Cant believe anyone would end a happy marriage over something like this

Personally I wouldn't but I don't care about strip clubs. I think it depends on how much the act itself matters to OP and how much the lying matters.

It's the lying that would bother me - it would make me think "what the fuck else has he lied about because he knows that it matters to me?".

To put it another way, if you were a die hard vegan and thought eating meat was so vile and disgusting that you chose never to have a relationship with someone who ate meat and it was fundamental to you. You marry an apparent vegan. You then find out 12 years later that for a year he was off down the chop house having a steak at lunch time and he never mentioned it - you may very well feel that's such an issue you are going to end the relationship. It depends on how strong your beliefs on the topic are.

It really depends on how big the strip club issue is to the OP I think. I wouldn't leave but I'd give a serious and prolonged bollocking about the lying.

FolkGirl · 04/08/2015 23:46

ijust yes. I have done daft things, of course I have.

But I've never done anything that a partner has asked me not to do, that I have agreed not to do, that has been a deal breaker for them. And if I ever did do such a thing, I would have to tell them and I wouldn't want to do that, so I wouldn't do it in the first place.

Somethings really are that black and white.

Never.

ijustwannadance · 04/08/2015 23:46

I also think a lot of women have never even been near a strip club so assume what it must be like. I've been in male and female stip clubs and can say in my opinion they are the least sexy places ever. I also had much respect for a single mum I once worked with who stripped at weekends and ended up paying her mortgage off by 25.

redshoeblueshoe · 04/08/2015 23:47

goddessofsmallthings - I totally agree with every word you said.

My XH was very controlling and the phrase that instilled most fear into me was swear on our kids lives

You really would consider throwing away a good marriage for what was probably seen as a challenge. You told his mates not to take him seriously

HelenaDove · 04/08/2015 23:48

no one can be dragged to a strip club. Being pissed is not an excuse Otherwise there would be no such charge as drunk driving or no convictions for it at all.

cocobean2805 · 04/08/2015 23:55

I'm not sure I understand what you mean completely Helena genuinely, all I meant by saying there's not a 'type of man' was that in my experience, all men are capable of going into a strip club, if the OP wasn't happy with the idea of her DH going to a strip club, and he did, and she's only just found out, that it doesn't necessarily make him a strip club regular, he's not been going in every week, spending money on strippers. He made a mistake 12 years ago and it's just come to light. It doesn't mean it's hurt her any less, and she's completely valid in her feelings of hurt, but he went once on his stag do, and hasn't been regularly going since. Didn't mean any offence, was just musing from personal experience.

Andro · 04/08/2015 23:57

Trust, respect and honesty are the foundation of a solid relationship, without them you're in trouble.

Do you still trust him?
Do you still respect him and believe he respects you?
Do you believe he has been honest in respect of all other major issues?

If the answers are all yes then give yourself time and move forward with your marriage, if there's a no (or perhaps more than one) in there then proceed with caution.

Different people have different deal breakers, they don't always make sense to an outside observer.

ijustwannadance · 04/08/2015 23:57

I understand that he lied and she has every right to be pissed off about that as we all would, but i really doubt he went out that night thinking 'im going to a strip club, yay'. His best man on the other hand probably had it planned. You only have to imagine just how wasted op's DH wouldve been to understand that he wouldnt have been in any fit state to have made the concious, rational decision not to go in with his equally wasted mates who have clearly been giving him a gentle ribbing about it for years.
Like i said before, it was a daft mistake not a malicious lie. His mates are taking the piss out of HIM not her.

Lovelydiscusfish · 05/08/2015 00:00

I'm so sorry this has happened, OP. I can imagine it is really hard for you, and think your strong feelings are fully justified.

I do think that, no matter how close one's relationship, there will always be (and perhaps need to be) some distance between you. You are separate beings. There will always naturally be some small secrets, some bits of behaviour, or even some thoughts, that are private, that you wouldn't show your partner. I'm not sure this is unhealthy.

Having said that, if I learned dh had visited a strip club, or similar, I'd find that hard to take. Harder (if honest) than learning he'd had a ONS, during our relationship, with a woman he admired. Because I'd see it as more of a betrayal of his feminist ideals, and I'd therefore see him as hypocritical.

Having said that, I still wouldn't end a loving, happy marriage over this. But I'm sure I'd be hell to live with for ages over it!

Good luck.

MillieGreenEyes · 05/08/2015 00:01

agree with agnes 54... this is absolutely not worth ending a 12 year marriage over, try to move on

SelfLoathing · 05/08/2015 00:02

but i really doubt he went out that night thinking 'im going to a strip club, yay'.

You have no idea really. None of us do. He could be telling the truth. Or it could have been planned from the outset and he knew about it and was well up for it.

Either assumption is as unfounded as the other. He's lied about it so no one has any idea of the truth of the situation. Least of all strangers on the internet.

OP is unlikely to find out the truth either way - unless there is an existing email trail from the time about who knew what ("don't tell the groom as I've been told not to take him to a strip club" or "don't tell my fiancee she won't like it") - because the stag organiser will know that OP didn't approve - so would cover if it was pre-planned.