Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DHs lie :(

175 replies

Olympicpark · 04/08/2015 21:07

Nc for this.

I am married to a lovely man, funny, kind, smart etc and we have a great life and relationship. When we got married over 12 years ago I asked him not to go to a strip club on his stag do. He promised he wouldn't and I asked his best man to not take his mates to one.
He promised that he wouldn't.
This is a big deal for me and I would have bet my mortgage on him being truthful when he said they didn't go.

Well, I found out via a flippant remark made by one of his mates this weekend that they went somewhere after their cheesy club and DH said 'yes well let's not talk about that now shall we' and everyone laughed.

So as we drove home I asked him about this and he said he didn't know what he was on about etc, lied and denied for a good few minutes. I asked him to swear on the kids and he just kind of gave me this guilty smile.

This floored me completely and I have never felt fury like it, he has lied to me for the whole of our marriage about this, knowing that it's a massive deal for me. We were driving home the morning after seeing a load of old friends so I had to wait a good hour before we got out the car and I could get away from him.

I need to know if I am BU really. He apologised massively, said it was just a drink then they went home (to be honest if he had had a lapdance or whatever I don't quite know how I would continue in the marriage) and after a heartfelt chat (after my huge rage in the car) things have kind of returned to normal.

I just feel really wounded and sad about it but feel like a total arse bringing it up over and over again. I am also fucked off beyond belief. I honestly would have smugly said that he hadnt gone to anyone who asked, because he told me he hadn't.
There are no other issues with our relationship and never have been. I trust him in everything which is why this is doing me in!!!

I suppose I feel stupid that they all knew and completely betrayed when he knew it was an absolute deal breaker for me.

Any advice in how to deal with my feelings on this would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 04/08/2015 22:17

That's a good metaphor.

RandomMess · 04/08/2015 22:20

I understand what everyone was said about hurtful and disrespectful his behaviour is.

I would look very closely at yourself as well though - have you never ever lied to him? Over the cost of something, never bent the truth for the easy option, never kept quiet? None of the things may not be on the same "big deal" level but all of us are imperfect and IMHO sometimes let our partners down.

RandomMess · 04/08/2015 22:22

I like that midgey - very true IMHO

ijustwannadance · 04/08/2015 22:24

folkgirl seems like you have some issues of your own. Telling someone to leave a 12 year marriage over this!

Olympic, I understand you are pissed off but I honestly think you are blowing it all out of proportion. He was on his stag do, most likely shitfaced and was taken to a strip club by mates who thought it was hilarious. Fancy telling his best man not to go to one. That wouldve just made him do it anyway!
It was 12 years ago ffs. Unless he's a cheat or a wife beater or just a twat in general then you need to stop being daft and get over it. Its what happens on stag dos. Its not about him being turned on by these woman (or he'd go more often) its about a bunch of pissed men thinking its funny as fuck to embarrass the groom as much as possible.

FolkGirl · 04/08/2015 22:25

She said it was "an absolute dealbreaker" for her.

It's not comaprable to her lying over the cost of an item. Unless he has stated this is a deal breaker for him.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 04/08/2015 22:25

It's not controlling to expect your fiance to not go to a strip club ( the sole purpose of these places being to leer at naked women, many of whom are explioted). For many people it constitutes infidelity and no one says a woman is being controlling by expecting her dh to be faithful.

The dh agreed not to go, then broke his promise and lied. It would have been far better if he'd told her the truth and then she could have decided her future based on full possession of the facts.

When someone you trust utterly, lies to your face, it calls into question all that you know about them. You wonder what else they've omitted to mention because it didnt suit them to be honest.

OP, dont let him bury this. He has no right to get angry because you keep going over it. This is a mess entirely of his own making and while it might suit him to bury it, your feelings are valid and you are entitled to take as much time as you like to ask questions about your marriage and then decide how you feel.

I think you can only decide by talking to him and by him being completely open and not minimising his actions or your feelings.

FolkGirl · 04/08/2015 22:27

Telling someone to leave a 12 year marriage over this!

I haven't told anyone to do anything. I said what I would do.

FolkGirl · 04/08/2015 22:30

Exactly, sometimes.

And I would no longer trust them. So I would end it. It's disrespectful at th very least. Why would I want ti be married to someone who didn't respect me?

RagstheInvincible · 04/08/2015 22:30

Sadly, a lot of blokes on a stag night hearing from the groom that the bride had said "no strip clubs" would see that as a challenge. Having presumably given into peer pressure and let you down, possibly it would have been better to come clean before the wedding - but that would have risked you calling it all off which he clearly didn't want. So, he took the alternative course. He kept his mouth shut.

YANBU to be upset and hurt.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 04/08/2015 22:36

What Sometimes said.
And definitely don't let him try to make you stifle your feelings of betrayal and hurt. If you feel shut down over this, the resentment will eat away at you. He fucked up majorly so he needs to hoik up his big boy pants and deal with the consequences of his own actions.

RandomMess · 04/08/2015 22:38

FolkGirl I specifically said it wasn't the same "big deal" but being honest to ourselves where we have knowingly not put our Partners requests/wishes/desires etc. first happens and I think we're lying if in a 12 year plus relationship we believe ourselves perfect.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 04/08/2015 22:39

You have DC - therefore you need to take into account what is in their best interests too before you make any decisions about your marriage because this is going to affect them very severely and they have no input into the decision.

If this is such a serious issue that it's a deal breaker I think it would be worthwhile going to marriage guidance counselling.

PrimalLass · 04/08/2015 22:39

You say it's not controlling, I say it is a bit. Different strokes ...

SelfLoathing · 04/08/2015 22:40

It's the 12 years lying that's the problem here.

At any point, he could have said "by the way darling, I've got a confession to make". If he'd said it when he'd come home, it's not like you'd have called off the wedding.

Have you asked him why he never told you before?

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 04/08/2015 22:41

I wouldn't leave him but I would absolutely ensure that he suffered commensurate to my angst about the betrayal of trust. He clearly thinks that hiding uncomfortable truths is a good idea. This is not something I would encourage.

SelfLoathing · 04/08/2015 22:43

It was 12 years ago ffs

I don't think that is a rational argument. What if he'd cheated 12 years ago? Or murdered someone 12 years ago? The passage of time isn't itself a minimiser. If anything the length of the lie is aggravating.

A better point is that ultimately going to a club, whilst not something you approve of, in the context of a marriage of that length is really trivial. If he wanted to go, he can go - whether you like it or not. He should have told you and shouldn't have lied - that's the real problem.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 04/08/2015 22:47

How can going to a strip club be equated to murdering some one Confused

Please don't use that analogy with him - it just can't be taken seriously

I suspect he's hardly thought about it since it happened rather than waking up each morning and wondering how to actively deceive you each day

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 04/08/2015 22:48

He should have had the conversation about his wish to go to the club before the stag do. As an adult, it's his responsibility to be honest about his wishes and defend them in open discussion. To say the OP seems controlling is shifting the blame. He's not a child. He had a voice and should have used it
instead of skulking about in a lie. Wimp.

goodbyemylove · 04/08/2015 22:50

There is a lot of pressure for men to do this kind of thing on a stag night. If the stag do involves a night out on the town or a weekend away with loads of his mates, they are not going to sip sherry and make polite conversation about the weather are they?

I know someone whose husband came home after his stag do and burst into tears. His mates wouldn't have known that though as he acted as if he was up for it all.

I had to reread your op to check that this was twelve years ago, not recently.

I would process it a bit more, tell him how you feel and then leave it go.

scallopsrgreat · 04/08/2015 22:52

Stating your deal breakers is not controlling, it is setting your boundaries. Women are allowed to have boundaries.

He crossed that boundary OP, what other boundaries is he going to cross? You need to decide whether this really is a deal breaker. And whether, if it isn't, he actually understands your boundaries and will respect them in the future.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 04/08/2015 22:52

Maybe he didn't actively wish to go in and therefore didn't plan it.

Maybe it was the closest place to get a drink in the early hours and he followed his mates in whilst half cut - the OP's views not being at the forefront of his mind at that time.

magoria · 04/08/2015 22:52

How about writing down why you disagree with strip clubs.

Then write down completely honestly how his actions, lies etc have made you feel.

Then you can decide if to give him what you have written or not.

Seeing your reasons and your feelings in black and white may help both of you.

Purpleboa · 04/08/2015 22:53

Hmm. For me the issue would be the lie. Personally, whilst I don't like the idea of strip clubs and the industry in general, I do get that many blokes see it as a rite of passage. My DH was taken to a strip club by his best man, who bought them both a lap dance. At the time I was more annoyed that DH had let the best man (who doesn't earn much) pay for this! DH had discussed it with me beforehand and said he wouldn't go if I felt uncomfortable. In the end, he told me all about it and it sounded like a fairly awkward experience!

But I guess your DH wasn't honest and that isn't nice. That said, I agree with the point made about bloke peer pressure. I imagine the stag night chat was along the lines of 'oh come on, one drink won't hurt! She'll never know, what's the big deal??' etc. So I'd be inclined to express my grievance at the lie, then forgive and move on.

But it is obviously a big issue for you, so I wouldn't want to tell you what I think you should do. I'm sorry that it is causing you so much heart ache.

SelfLoathing · 04/08/2015 22:53

How can going to a strip club be equated to murdering some one

Are you serious? You are utterly missing the point.

It's not equating two things - it is illustrating the point that if you have done something wrong (whether serious (like murder) or far more trivial (like going to a stripe club) LOGICALLY the passage of time makes no difference at all.

SelfLoathing · 04/08/2015 22:54

*strip club.
Stripe club sounds interesting.

Swipe left for the next trending thread