DHs lie :(

[Olympicpark]

Nc for this.

I am married to a lovely man, funny, kind, smart etc and we have a great life and relationship. When we got married over 12 years ago I asked him not to go to a strip club on his stag do. He promised he wouldn't and I asked his best man to not take his mates to one.
He promised that he wouldn't.
This is a big deal for me and I would have bet my mortgage on him being truthful when he said they didn't go.

Well, I found out via a flippant remark made by one of his mates this weekend that they went somewhere after their cheesy club and DH said 'yes well let's not talk about that now shall we' and everyone laughed.

So as we drove home I asked him about this and he said he didn't know what he was on about etc, lied and denied for a good few minutes. I asked him to swear on the kids and he just kind of gave me this guilty smile.

This floored me completely and I have never felt fury like it, he has lied to me for the whole of our marriage about this, knowing that it's a massive deal for me. We were driving home the morning after seeing a load of old friends so I had to wait a good hour before we got out the car and I could get away from him.

I need to know if I am BU really. He apologised massively, said it was just a drink then they went home (to be honest if he had had a lapdance or whatever I don't quite know how I would continue in the marriage) and after a heartfelt chat (after my huge rage in the car) things have kind of returned to normal.

I just feel really wounded and sad about it but feel like a total arse bringing it up over and over again. I am also fucked off beyond belief. I honestly would have smugly said that he hadnt gone to anyone who asked, because he told me he hadn't.
There are no other issues with our relationship and never have been. I trust him in everything which is why this is doing me in!!!

I suppose I feel stupid that they all knew and completely betrayed when he knew it was an absolute deal breaker for me.

Any advice in how to deal with my feelings on this would be greatly appreciated.

So he's been lying to you about a known deal breaker for your entire marriage and he isn't really sorry.

He took away your choice not to waste your life on a strip-club going misogynist by lying to you about who he really is.

And now, because you're 12 years in and have children, you just have to accept something you would never have wanted as a done deal.

Plus now you know that he lies to you to get what he wants, regardless of what is best for you.

And you have no idea how many other lies there are that you still don't know about.

Not a nice situation at all.

The first time my DH said "I know I promised, but...." my view of him changed forever. He's a good man and a very good husband, but I know he is capable of justifying lies to himself, and we have very different views on truthfulness.

OP, you will not end your marriage over this, you will come to terms with it in time, but he has forfeited your total trust in him and that is his loss.

The fact that his friends have enjoyed a 12 year joke at your expense is his shame and not yours.

Gosh, I hate everything to do with porn, strip-clubs etc. but I do think some people are going over the top with this. I totally understand, OP, how you must feel, but I can see how easily this all happened at the time for you DH and, knowing that his relationship with you was on the line, he just preferred to lie. Not good, but probably best to put it behind you as well as you can.

redshoeblueshoe

You really would consider throwing away a good marriage for what was probably seen as a challenge. You told his mates not to take him seriously

Sorry, what is this garbage?

Smillas the word seriously isn't part of the sentence, it's a comment from the poster,

Can't be much of a deal breaker if you are still with him then.
If it was he would be dumped and the whole lying to you thing would no longer matter.
Personally I wouldn't go around saying something was a deal breaker if I wasn't going to back up that claim.

Thank again. I like the scab analogy too. And the most overwhelming advice is to acknowledge the hurt and fuckwittery of his knobhead wimpy self and get on with it.

Gobbolino you are completely right and the DC are mega important which is why despite it absolutely being a deal breaker, I can't 'break the deal' when we have two children. And again, lots of posters have said that the choice to fuck him off has gone now after a 12 year relationship where our lives are completely entwined and extremely happy. He is weak for not telling me and yes, did keep quiet to stop the risk of me telling him to do one.

In the last three months we have dealt with some shit, house issues, his mum's death and have come out the other side having sorted it all together, reasons for me to feel like we do actually make a good team and its too good to split over.

self I am battling to think of an analogy that speaks to him, I can't think of one so might try that one. It's hard to explain my anger when he doesn't really get it. I did say that I would make him tell the DC (both dds) about it and try to justify it to them to show him how shaming it is and he balked at the idea which kind of proved my point.

lovely I like your point, and agree, I hadn't thought of it that way. I am not especially controlling with him and he does lots of his own thing but yes, this is different, it's so nice to have my feelings validated by most answers. I was worried that I was being a twat.

And he is sorry, he is so sorry. I drove off when we got home on Sunday to get some space and not have to look at him and he panicked completely and came to look for me, then drove past me and u turned and followed me home to apologise again and say that he was so scared that he had fucked it all up and was so upset that he had hurt me.

He apologised again this morning. I think we will be ok, but peacock you have it in a nutshell I think: ^ He is a good honest guy who I trust implicitly and if I were to find out that he had in fact been to one - and, more importantly, lied to me about it for the last six years - I would be devastated.
I wouldn't leave him over it, but I think it would affect our relationship in the short term. In the long term I think it would just end up being one of those disappointments that I would look back on with an element of regret and sadness, but wouldn't actually affect my/ our lives day-to-day.^

It's hard to explain my anger when he doesn't really get it.

He doesn't get why you're angry that he has been lying to you for your entire marriage?

In that case I would guess he is regularly "economical" with the truth.

A person who valued honesty would understand why you were angry.

In that case I would guess he is regularly "economical" with the truth.

A person who valued honesty would understand why you were angry.

Yes. There's no respect either. Or integrity.

I think he gets why I am upset but because he knows all they did is stand round and have a drink he thinks that that part of it wasn't a big deal. Bullshit either way but I can see why he is trying to minimise that bit. If they'd gone in and stayed for an hour and had a lap dance each (we would be done) he would be more freaked out.

Am off to take the kids out now but will be back later.

I hope for both your sakes that you split up.

Short - unhelpful and horrible.
OP - you are on the right track and sound very sensible. Good luck with everything - ignore some of the idiotic comments on here!

I think in pretty much most long-term relationships or marriages, there's a point at which you could quit, or you could carry on. I have had a similar experience, my husband once or twice in a 15 year relationship has just done something (not be unfaithful I hasten to add) that I really have lost respect for him and it has shaken my belief in him. Once it was over debts and once over something else. I have also let him down or done something really beyond the pale at least a couple of times.

It is exceptionally unlikely something will never come up.

I could be very angry at this, but no way would I collapse a marriage over it.

Everyone would prefer to be with the person who never makes a mistake, stuffs up, tells a lie. Those people are very rare, but there may be some out there if you want to collapse your marriage and go looking for them.

This would shake me as it would be against my core beliefs. However, I could also understand it for what is was, having many male friends all of whom are 'family men' and most of whom have engaged in some stupid behaviour (going to strip clubs) on stag weekends when younger and abroad which whilst not ideal, doesn't stop me having them as friends.

My personal barrier for this would be sleeping with a prostitute. That really would collapse things for me. This, not so much, especially if I had no reason in the subsequent years to think they were the type of person for whom this was typical behaviour/interested in the sleazier side of nightlife.

He took away your choice not to waste your life on a strip-club going misogynist by lying to you about who he really is

Seriously? He got taken to a strip club once by his mates on his fucking stag do!
I worked for years in one of the big stag/hen hotspots and the goal of these stag parties is always to get stag as wasted as possible and embarrass the fuck out of him. Just a big joke by his mates. What do you think about the hen parties that go to the male strip clubs?
Young OP was most likely just insecure and jealous incase her man found another woman sexually attractive. I know my younger 20 something self would of over-reacted to stuff that my now older more realistic and understanding self would just shrug off.

I hope for both your sakes that you split up
OP I hope for both your sakes you ignore all the fucking man haters and look at what you have and the happy 12 years together.
These women that want you to inflict great emotional damage on your 2 kids and walk out on a good man over one stupid mistake.
Yes, he lied. Be angry, then let it go.

Soo. If your DH told you he never wanted you to buy anything from eg Gap because he had heard that they used child/ slave labour, would you do as you were told? And if you were shopping there with a friend, and thought, oh I might as well try on these jeans while I am waiting for her, and they were the best fitting jeans you had ever had - made your arse look like a peach, your legs long and lean, would you buy the jeans and not say anything to your DH about where you had bought them, or would you put them back on the rail with a wistful sigh? Or would you buy them and confess, say you will never buy anything from there again, it was a one off, and you hope he can forgive you for it?

After over 12 years of marriage with a lovely, funny, kind, smart man and with a great life and relationship!

Let it go please!

It was a long time ago, it was his stag do, it happens!

Your DH seems to have been very reasonable about this revelation unlike you. Yes YABU.

I'd be so fucked off about this. It's not the strip club it's the 12year lie.
And his stupid stupid mates.

I wouldn't however split up an otherwise very happy marriage.

Better people than me would let it go, suck it up, move on etc.

I would hold a massive grudge and devise a suitable punishment. It's the only thing that would appease me.

Just me probably [evil]

Going to a strip club ( which many women view as infidelity) is not comparable to shopping in gap!

The vegan analogy upthread was better.

The point is that if you promise your partner something then you should keep your promise and not lie. If you dont agree with their viewpoint on an issue they feel very strongly about, then the time to say so is there and then. You dont make promises you won't keep. It's disrespectful and fundamentally dishonest in a relationship.

I do not like strip clubs at all, but I do think people are going way OTT with this.

OP yes of course you are feeling hurt. But he has been a 'great' husband for 12 years - no mean feat IMO - particularly when you read some of the horror stories on here. He made one mistake 12 years ago, on his stag night, probably when he was pissed out of his head and being egged on by his mates (yes I know that's no 'excuse', but I do believe it goes some way to explain it).

If he's never given you any other reason to doubt him I would say you know him well enough to know this was one stupid mistake. He didn't tell you because he was probably terrified of screwing things up with you - not because he wanted your marriage to be a 'lie' or any other of the dramatic BS I've read on here....

You know your husband, none of us do. If other than that he is a good man and loves you, I think you need to give yourself some time to heal from the shock you've had, then take a deep breath and move on - with your DH.

As my dear old granddad used to say, "Forgiveness is a virtue - when somebody does something wrong, don't forget all the things they did right".

It's about morals rather than shopping, Sometimes. So similar.

I think you need to forgive, forget and move on.

I do not like strip clubs at all, but I do think people are going way OTT with this.

How you feel about strip clubs or how I feel about strip clubs is neither here nor there. The issue is how the OP feels about it.

The vegan analogy was mine - and that was really the point of it - that there are two parts to this issue 1) the lying for 12 years and no volutary confession and 2) the fact he went to a strip club.

Going to strip clubs is definitely something that many women feel strongly about (honestly it wouldn't bother me at all) but as a PP said some women see it as infidelity or near infidelity. Or even going as a sign of misogynistic attitudes. It's not something where you could say "that is totally irrational to have strong views about or for it to be a fundamental issue for you."; it's not like saying, I don't know, "I hate Taggart and you are not to watch it my house".

Sounds like the OP will resolve this with her DH so all is good.

I can see why you'd be stunned and disappointed OP. But suspect that the jab of conscience any time the words 'stag do' or 'strippers' let alone the worry one of the pals involved on the night would let something slip in front of you ever since probably far outweighed any momentary flash of drunken bravado 12 years' ago.

I am not in any way saying, by the way, don't be cross and angry about this. It took me a good few weeks/months to feel remotely forgiving to my husband and to get to the stage it's just not part of my thinking any more. I know he was very cross at me about something and that took a couple of years to die away.

It is possible to be with someone, even if you wished they had done something different and are angry about it.

As for those saying 'get out', if everything else is reasonably good, it doesn't really value what you have now, which is something precious, a family with children and a mum and dad who love them, and I can't believe anyone would think it ok to collapse that, and introduce all the stress of divorce, step-parents, difficulties with contact unless you absolutely have to. I am a firm believer in getting divorced if you simply can't go on in your marriage, but in this instance, I just don't hear that from you in the way you talk about this.